a whole year...

[minnababy]

third of july...so a whole year has gone passed since i lost my mummy. what am i supposed to do, how am i supposed to make it through today?? there have been so many times over the past few months when i was sure i wouldn't still be alive today. but i'm still here. i wish i wasn't. it's impossible to describe the way it feels when i remember my mum, it's like a mixture of feeling sick with my chest feeling really tight, pains everywhere and i can't breathe properly and the feeling of loss is overwhelming.. there's an ache, like a yearning, i just want her back..i need her back. i still get flashbacks of when she was ill, the day she died, but when they come i push them out of my head, i can't handle the pain of remembering anymore. i don't think i can remember her voice anymore, and when i try to think of her, her face is hazy. i hate that, why can't i remember?? i can't remember any memories of her before she got ill. i can't cope with the intensity of all the feelings, sometimes i just want to smash things, smash my head against the wall, anything. sometimes i want to die. will this ever get any better? everything is still as intense now as it was last year, nothing feels any better. and i suppose the weirdest thing is, that despite all this, i still can't make myself believe that she's gone forever. i can't stop believing that she's goning to come back one day, like she didn't really die. there are days when a weird excitement builds up in me, really believing that she's going to come back. is that normal? i doubt it. i'm messed up. it even hurts too much to cry these days. i don't know what to do anymore. i don't want a whole year to have passed, everyone thinks i should be okay by now but i'm not. i've given up on any of them ever understanding. every day i get further and further away from the last time i saw her, i don't want that. i need to be close to her, i can't deal with any of this anymore. i hate getting so far away from her, i hate that it's all out of my control. i hate that i'm 20, because she never knew me when i was 20, i wanted to stay 19 forever..i ant to stay exactly the same as i was then, because i don't want to be someone my mum didn't know. i wish i could have stopped the world at that moment. even writing hurts too much. everything hurts, it hurts inside my head trying to block out the memories because i can't deal with them anymore. i hate july. i want my mummy back, there are no words that could even describe how much i miss her.

[connorsmom]

((hugs)) to you...........you are so young and dealing with so very much.  I'm so sorry.  Your mom sounds like an incredible woman who seems to have raised an incredible child (you).  She'd want you to go on living, go on being happy.

We're here to listen.  Are you in school? Do you work? I've found that my husband's I-Pod and some good music help me escape......as does reading and funny movies.

Thinking of you!

 

Jess

 

 

[butterfly13]

I lost my mom on june 7 this year,and I feel the same exact way you are feeling,I too think that it can't possibly be final,I get that feeling that I will see her again before I realize that she will be gone forever.I feel like my life will be sooo long and lonely without her.How could she really leave me?We were best friends.When I wake up in the morning I feel like I can't face another day without her.I've been having dreams about her-but she is always sick in these dreams,and I wake up having a panic attack because I just want to pick up the phone and hear her voice,but realize I will never hear her voice again.It's very hard,my friends all have both their parents-I lost my dad 7 yrs ago,I feel jealous of them when they talk about their parents.My moms last month was terrible she suffered so much,it kills me to think of what she was going through mentally and phisically.I have been reading alot of books on life after death,I am trying so hard to believe she is somewhere better,but I'm not sure if their really is a heaven.I envy people who believe it without a doubt,it would make going on with my life a little easier knowing that one day I will be reunited with her,but I just have my doubts.

[sheela]

every day i get further and further away from the last time i saw her

 

this is me too i lost mine last year june 6th -

[rmsmoore]

minnababy,

I use to have that pain/panic/ill feeling when I imagined finding out about my dad's death. It was so overwhelming, I just wanted to escape. And the worst part was that, that particular memory kept coming back to me. I'm on my second year and it doesn't creep up on my quite as often, and when it does, it doesn't hurt quite as much.

It hurts and hurts....my consolation has been to tell myself, "Live like dad is watching, live doing what he would want me to do, make him proud of me." I strive for that every day...that is the best that I can do. It has also helped me to find other ways to be close to my dad. I have one of his T-shirts and I hug it. I look at pictures and remember memories.  I found other ways to be close to him...ways that I can now.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this loss...I would never wish it on anyone. I wish I could give you a big hug. I remember hugs from people and drawing energy to keep living from them.

Hugs to you...

[stacyc]

I'm so sorry on the loss of your mom. I lost my mom in feb and I can't even begin to imagine how I'm going to feel a yr. from now. I know that right now I'm still struggling, I still feels like this is a bad dream, It does not seem real to me, how can she not be here. Its very frustrating and I'm sure you can all relate. I think what bothers me most is that I have 29 yrs of amazing memories with her but all I can think of is the last 10 months of her life. WHY????? I don't understand that yet. Scream if you need to, Cry if you need to, Throw things if you need to. Do what you can to get your frustrations out....... its OK AND HEALTHY. Your in my thoughts today.