Everything just feels "vanilla"

[connorsmom]

Hi all,

I lost my mom in February and it's difficult.  Every day feels "blah". I work, I play with my child (my only real joy) and function.

Nothing is exciting.  Shopping is blah, going to the beach is just okay......things that made me happy in the past are just "there". 

I know that I'm sad; yes it gets in the way.  But I'm waiting for my life to not feel so "vanilla"......so blah.............

I just miss my mom so incredibly much........I guess reality is sinking in and I'm realizing the finality of her loss.  Hoping someone with experience will tell me that my life will one day return to Mint Chocolate Chip with hot fudge.

Can you tell that the stress of it all is having me turn to my favorite therapists "Ben and Jerry"?

Thanks,

J.

 

 

 

[tucoball]

Hello J,

Your description is what I have been living for over three years now.  I am still searching for the color to my black and white picture.  Finding some hope is is the hard part.  Like you, my greatest joy (my children) were not able to bring that color back either.  I think about my Dad everyday.  And each day is as painful as the day before.  People who are close to me lost that man they knew as well and it is just as painful for them. 

Extreme is what I call that loss.  Pancreatic Cancer took my Dad so quickly, painfully and violently that I still see so many of the horrible things of his last week of life and the minutes after his last breath.  I am taking the extreme approach in hopes that it will spur my recovery.  I quit my job and went to school to enter the field that I have always want to be in.  Once I graduate I am moving my family from the extreme of the Southwestern Desert to the extreme of the Northwestern Mountains.  I have some hope now.  I love what I am studying and I have hopes of living life again with my family in another setting.  A setting that is different from everything that I associate with my loss here.  I must move on for my wife, children and for me.  I just hope it gets easier.

Be gentle to yourself.

[mulberry]

Hi

I just wanted to say that I know how you feel exactly.  I lost my father just over two years ago (like Tucoball's father, also to pancreatic cancer) and for a long time, my life was mostly just existing rather than truly living.  I found little enjoyment in things I usually loved and enjoyed.  I had flashbacks and bad dreams and didn't think I'd ever enjoy anything, it was all 'vanilla' and blank and emotionless.

I also wanted to say that it is completely normal to feel like this when you've lost someone dear to you, and it is possible to feel deeply again, and experience joy again.  It just takes time, and its different for everyone.  In the last 6 months, I've felt joy and love and warmth again and even fallen in love, and although I know it will be some time before I stop having what I call 'wonky' and flat days altogether, the good days outnumber the bad days now.  I still struggle some days, but I feel there is hope and joy and love out there...  Don't be afraid to ask for help, do talk to your family and reach out to others, accept help from your doctor too.

M

 

[sunkenspirits]

I lost both parents this last year and I am very much feeling what you all are. Nothing seems enjoyable anymore. I either don't feel anything, or I feel unbearably sad. I try to distract myself with the things I used to enjoy, but somehow my mind relates them back to something I miss about my parents and thus those things feel just bleak to me, or even worse, negative.

Today is hard because 4th of July was always a big holiday at our house (more so than even father's day or mother's day). We were always together and did lots of things to celebrate. One year, when I was a kid, Dad was a member of the Jaycees that ran the celebration in our town. He was in the lawn business, so he used his riding mower to make up a float. He pulled me behind it and I waved a flag. I even made the paper and my mom kept that. Later on when they were no longer active, we still made it a point to get together for 4th of July, watching the fireworks on TV. Mom would watch all the 4th of July shows, even if she had to tape some for later. Dad would usually fall asleep in his chair, and mom and I would watch them together. But now it just feels cold and sad and I can't even bear to watch any fireworks.

Like was said above, some days are better than others, but the holidays are the hardest. I'm glad August doesn't have any.