new to this forum

[vicky1955]

I’m new to this forum. And I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to need to be here. But I need this.

My mother is dying. She’s nine months into a year life expectancy after being diagnosed with colon cancer.

Most of the time, I’m fine. Then I have moments when I don’t think I’m going to get through the next few minutes.

I’m better than I was a few months ago, though.

And I think this forum will help. I have a great family and great friends, it’s just that they’re not going through this and I can’t call them in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep, I’m so stressed and hurt.

[stephysteph13]

vicky,

i want u to know that i understand you. my mom was seriously sick with cancer also for four years and its the toughest thing you are going to face probably in your whole life. Remember to have as many memories as possible with her and the ones from the past cherish. All I can say is just be there for her every passing moment so you will have no regrets that u did the best u did. however don't feel obligated to either, because everyone deserves alittle break. no one will understand the pain of watching your mother get sicker and sicker. just know someone is here for u to talk with anytime u feel u need to.

hope your okay

stephanie

[solemate]

[user=20136]vicky1955[/user] wrote:

I’m new to this forum. And I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to need to be here. But I need this.

My mother is dying. She’s nine months into a year life expectancy after being diagnosed with colon cancer.

Most of the time, I’m fine. Then I have moments when I don’t think I’m going to get through the next few minutes.

I’m better than I was a few months ago, though.

And I think this forum will help. I have a great family and great friends, it’s just that they’re not going through this and I can’t call them in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep, I’m so stressed and hurt.

Hello Vicky 1955  I am so sorry you are going through this awful time. I lost both parents on the one day several hours apart.  If I still had my dearest Mum I would be spending as much time as I could with her before she passes on.  I am sure you are doing this.  I dont know how capacitated she is but perhaps you and she could have some special moments together = paint her nails, brush her hair, read to her, play music for her. watch a movie together - talk to her about her past and her memories.   I am a 1954 so I am only guessing you may be my age??? Yes this forum is very helpful - feel that you can post any time about anything.  Its good to vent your feelings and please do not let anyone tell you that you should be feeling a particular way when you simply are not.  Try to keep well and look after yourself, your Mum needs you during what is a terrible time for all of you.  Often people say that the dying person is less stressed than the person who is caring for them.  I am not sure that this is your case? - You are indeed lucky to have a great family and great friends.  Just sharing something - a Friend of mine had a 'going away' party for her Mum - friends attended whilst her Mum was 'with it' and although very emotional for everyone, her Mother was really happy to catch up with people whilst she was alive so that she could speak with them.   Hugs from Australia and I hope that you continue to post. Take care - Gayle

 

[erbspal]

Sorry if I'm putting this in the wrong place.  I lost my mom this month after her suffering for seven years with the lung disease ARDS.  She was in the hospital yet again, and this time we knew she would not rally--that she was going home with hospice care.  I had told her I was coming to take care of her.  The next day, she aspirated on food and went into cardiac arrest.  Then we had almost two weeks of tests for brain function.  When we were certain she was not coming back, life support was removed.  I know she was gone already, but that didn't make it easier. 

It would be easier if I had someone to talk to when I can't sleep and adrenalin seems to fuel my body.  I lost my dad at 17; he was 39.  My little brother died four years later in a car accident at 17, bringing home his first car.  My stepdad has been great, as have my stepbrother, stepsisters and families; however, they're, for the most part, very stoic about the whole thing.  He doesn't understand why reading something that makes you cry (The Five People You Meet in Heaven) or watching something that you and your mom both loved (even if you do laugh and cry) can be cathartic.  I think he lives in a constant state of denial about it.  But, like I said, he's been great.  He's just handling it differently.

I thought I was doing pretty well until I dreamed last night about sending something to my parents, and in my dream I had that sickening realization that she is gone.  And I woke up then, with that same hollow feeling that I had a week ago. 

I spoke at her memorial and used a quotation from Eudora Welty about how memory can heal, even as it "comes to us from across the world, calling us by name and demanding its rightful tears."  Her memorial was funny, touching, truly healing as many of us shared favorite funny stories.  And I know she is better off, because she was suffering in ways no one should have to suffer; her going home to hospice care would have been horrific compared to her relatively peaceful passing.  But it's hard for me to just let go.  I have children of my own, and I wouldn't want them to suffer emotionally at my passing.  But the heart wants what it wants.  And she and I had talked so much on the phone over the past year--sometimes hours at a time--because I know now from things she'd written that she was afraid, mostly at night, and I could be there for her.  I can't tell you the number of times I've thought of calling her--in that split second, you know, before your brain connects and you realize she's not going to be there. 

There was one thing I wanted to share with others like me (if they haven't done so already).  I know that people have their own lives and their own problems, and after a while it will be just us as children and spouses to mourn.  But it's helped me immeasurably to connect with my mother's best friends, because they, too, don't know how to grieve properly sometimes.  They don't know what to say and what not to say.  And it helps them if they know they can connect with you and you with them. 

I wish everyone here peace of mind and spirit. 

[vicky1955]

I understand too well what you’re feeling. My mom doesn’t want a memorial service, she wants a party. And my oldest brother doesn’t want to call it a party, he doesn’t want to call it anything. Doesn’t even really want to plan anything, just let it happen.

I understand why, though. He takes care of Mom and he’s handling the situation differently. I have this site and I have a journal and I know that I can post a message here at any time of the day or night and someone amazing will respond and tell me something my heart needs to hear.

Here, I can cry and not upset or cause anyone any distress.

Come here as often as you need to, even if you don’t want to be here. Come here with everything. Someone will understand.

[erbspal]

Vicki, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  It's probably the hardest thing you've ever been through.  We, too, knew it was going to happen, and it truly was a blessing for her to have gone so quickly.  They assure us that, having been deprived of oxygen in her body for years, even with constant oxygen at the highest levels, she didn't have time to even panic.  I so hope that's true.

My mother did not want a funeral, either, so I can relate, believe me.  That's why we had her memorial at her favorite place--the bridge club.  She was a silver life master in bridge and, at one time, owned a big bridge club in Dallas.  But she wanted Frank Sinatra played, so it was.  And we all told funny stories about her.  It helped me so much to be able to do that.  But it's still hard, because it was not exactly HOW I was grieving.  As this website states, funerals are for the living, not the dead.  Your feelings are so very important--don't you let anyone take away the right to grieve.  This is YOUR mother.  You mentioned your brother--he sounds like he's in denial.  Like you said, it's the way he's coping. So, are the funeral plans completely on your shoulders?

I wish you peace and a measure of happiness as you are there with your mother to care for her.  That will be such a cherished memory for you after--and now as well.

I know there aren't a lot of people posting here, but I'm here if you want to share your feelings.  All the best.  Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to.

[vicky1955]

Stephanie

Thank you so very much for your understanding and I am so sorry about mom. I know, from the loss of my dad, that it can get easier, but we don’t forget and we don’t stop missing them or wishing they were here for important things.

 

I thought the other things I’ve been through were hard…this just hits me at odd times.

 

I spend as much time with my mom as I can. We watch movies, we listen to her favorite singers and I listen to her stories. I only regret that I can’t spend more time with her. The best part is at night, when I’m at her house and she’s getting ready for bed: she always says she’s so glad that I’m there. I tell her “dream with the angels, little girl.”

 

I’ll keep posting messages here, keep coming back here for as long as I need to.

[vicky1955]

Gayle

 

I’m sorry about your parents. I’d like to hear more about them.   

 

I’ve been thinking about spending more time doing girlie things with my mom, like brushing her hair, maybe even setting it for her before she goes to church Sunday morning. I’ll have to ask if she’d like to get her nails done.

 

I’ve not been taking very good care of myself. I haven’t been interested in anything, not my health, not my life, not my writing…but I know that I have to care, or at least act like I do, because it’ll hurt her if she knows I’ve bailed out.

 

So far, no one has told me I can’t feel what I feel. They’ve reminded me that I have feelings, I have a life and it’s not going to go away because my mom is dying and that she wouldn’t like it if I ignored things. You see, she still worries about me, worries that I’m not finished. I think she thinks she can’t leave yet, because I still need her. My brother pointed out to her that maybe it’s not her job to “finish” me.

 

All these years I’ve been hoping I’d get married again and she’d walk me down the aisle. Now it almost doesn’t matter if I do or not cause she won’t be there. And if she knew I were thinking like that, she’d give me that look that us moms give our kids when we do something that disappoints us.

 

I’m feeling better though. Every time I read a response, even though I cry, they help.

[vicky1955]

It sounds like your mom’s memorial was a good thing, a healing time for all of you.

 

The funeral is on my brothers. Mom has decided on cremation, then to be buried with my dad. As for my brother…he’s been a rock all this time. What we call the gathering, get together, is the only area where he’s not a rock.

 

So far, she’s not in any pain and I’ve heard that it’s possible that she might have any pain. I hope that’s true. I’d rather lose her sooner than later, if it means she doesn’t suffer.

 

She doesn’t have a favorite place and her church doesn’t have it’s own building, so we’ll have the party at my middle sister’s house. At my mom’s request, that’s my job.

 

So we’ll play the “life remembered” dvd we had created for her and play music from the days when she was young and pretty and her whole life was ahead of her.

 

I’ll be okay. With family, friends, my faith and this site, I’ll be okay.