In Need............

[marksmomforever]

:?I thank you all for your replies each of them give me strength to keep going, knowing that there is others who know how I am feeling gives me some comfort.....

I know that the night we lost our son I was in shock and maybe stayed that way for several weeks maybe even months. From that day forward I did my best to keep going for my other two sons and my husband. Afterall I still had my responsiblities to my family, my work although I could no longer sleep and concentration took all my energy I kept going. Heck I was off work three days and then I was back at least physically anyway, many people commented on how well our family was coping.

I am not sure how everyone else's family survived but I know that my family was and is falling fast. OUR family no longer resembles the family we were, of course one of us is now missing. I won't give you all the details but each of us has changed and not for the better, I have to say I am embarrassed of the kind of family we have become. My children have changed and become angry young men with foul mouths, I believe they are mad at the world underneathe all the garbage. I know this is not who they were or who they would have been without this horrible experience. I also know I contributed to the change in them as I have not been the mom I was the last three years and their dad is no longer who he was either. So much has happened since that night and I have struggled to get our family back , my hope was to have it resemble something of what it was. I have let my familiy vent on me and I have acted somewhat strong this past three years. NOW though I am starting to lose myself among the mess, some days it is hard for me to breathe. I think of all that we have lost and how this nightmare has torn us all apart. I have always been so proud of our boys and our relationship with them, and now I don't even recognize us.

My hope was that I could just keep going until they start to heal, but I am starting to lose ground. Although each night since the accident I have relived the whole thing, I had gotten to the point where I could do that at the end of my day by myself late at night and knowone would know. NOW I can't seem to keep it together at work, at home or anywhere. I am starting to cry all the time, my eyes literally burn from the tears and my heart beats faster.

I am now so scared that I can't keep it together anymore. I miss Mark so much that I feel sick to my stomach. I imagine joining him often. I dream of going to sleep and not waking. What is going on with me, its been three years actually over that. How have I managed to get this far?? NOW I fall apart, why my grief is not new I have been enduring this since March 13, 2005........................

I am feeling so confused and out of it, I get angry at myself and give myself heck for behaving so terribly. I am afraid to add to any of the hurt my family has already had. Yet I cannot seem to stop myself, each day seems to be getting a bit worse.

YES I do see a grief councellor and my doctor put me on anti=depressants. BUT I struggle now to take care of my house, myself or my family. It takes every ounce of energy I have to get up in the morning and get my son off to school. I start work but what used to take me a hour to do now takes me a half of day and some tasks take me days. I fear that I am not coming out of this, I fear I cannot take it. I have always said to my friends and family that the best thing that could happen to me is I need to pass away before any of my loved ones as I could never survive it. This of course was said long before this nightmare happened. My fears of course were that I would lose a parent or a close friend a spouse at worse. NEVER did I ever imagine that I would lose one of our children. We tried to have kids for close to ten years and when we had them we felt we won the lottery. I really thought it didn't matter what life held for me as long as we had our children and each other we would have it made.

NOW I know nothing and I feel so not in control of anything. I guess thats what happens when someone makes a decission that costs you someone you love dearly. YOU have no choice, no options it is just done to you..........................

I apologize for my post as I know I ramble and likely sound confused but I so wanted to drop in here as this is the one place I feel understood. It seems very lonely lately as friends, co-workers and family don't know what this is like.

My heart goes out to everyone who has to endure such a loss, Marksmomforever.

[mikesmum]

marksmomforever - I am now so scared that I can't keep it together anymore. I miss Mark so much that I feel sick to my stomach. I imagine joining him often. I dream of going to sleep and not waking. What is going on with me, its been three years actually over that. How have I managed to get this far?? NOW I fall apart, why my grief is not new I have been enduring this since March 13, 2005........................

Your grief may not be 'new', but it is a journey that aheres to no time, no place.  Grief changes us forever.  These thoughts been part of each and everyones journey here, no matter how long ago their beloved child was lost.    Things that once seemed important now pale into insignifiance, there is no energy left to clean house, make meals even get dressed. You most certainly are not alone. 

To lose your son, your children their brother is something beyond us all.  How do we cope, how do we go on, how can we continue when every fibre of our being has changed forever.  I truly wish I had some magic words that change where you all now find yourselves, but you know I don't.

I know you said you attend counselling and are under the care of a doctor, how about the kids?  Is there a chance you might all need to come together and find some place to allow your fears & feelings about what has happened and where you now find yourselves.

Its been 18 months since Mike died.  I still have no answers that will allow me to return to the life I once had.  Mikes siblings are painfully aware that they lost the mum they knew when he died.  I struggle a little each day to find my way back, but I have little energy and really it won't heal my heart.

Come here often, post if you can, but more importantly, never feel, no matter what is going on with your kids, that you have no one.......so many here know your story without you saying a word......as they too live, minute to minute, changed forever...

Take Care - Trudi

  

[ericasmom]

Marksmom,

I am worried about the way you are feeling right now. I too lost a child, she was 19, and like Mikesmum, i know I never will be that same person again. I went to a counselor after about 5 months and found this place about the same time. I have not gone on meds, but that is just the physical make-up I have I think, it is very individual. I did however have the shock that you described, I think it lasted for about 4 months and maybe more. It kept the rawest of pain from invading but boy, once it did, I felt like a giant open sore, just oozing ache and hurt.

There are no rules really as to how to find your way back to the surface, but it sounds like your whole family would benefit from family therapy. I know how hard it is to convice others to go to therapy, but perhaps it could be presented as; " I am flipping out, and I need everyone to help me by going to therapy with me because I am scared, because I need you all to be here for me." I think men adn boys react better when they think they are doing something for you rather than themselves. Most kids do not want to go near therapy, (the stigma and the emotion really frighten them.)Grief is just the strangest journey, as you said, you went along for a while, but now it has caught up with you...and that is just what it has done. Perhaps because you went back to work right away, and perhaps since you have kids that you still needed to nurture, you put grieving off for a while and it is here ready or not. I am only guessing, so I apologize if I am way off, but you needed to take care of everyone else in your family after your Son was killed...you had duties to fulfill. When that happens it is often harder to follow your journey or path, it gets confused with the daily schedule for those here. No matter what, we never get around grief, it is right there to remind us that we have not stayed on course. We have to go through it all, and it is time consuming, and it does Zap your energy, but avoiding the absolute ache of it all is even more difficult in the long run.

My girl left on July 14, 2003. It will not always feel as bad as it does now, I promise. So please hang on there, we have all felt the allure of leaving too. Your life however is not over, even if you wish it was...so please just keep posting here, and know that you have all of us to chat with whenever you like. You are not crazy, you are grieving. Those that have never lost a child can't possibly know the depth of your pain, but we do. And so I am going to say a prayer that you find some beauty in the days ahead, little by little and that you come back here adn talk.

Love,

Dee

[heathershope]

Marksmomforever.  It sounds like you are and rightfully so, exhausted from this journey of grief.  Our family went through a bit of a "disturbance after my daughter died last year too.  My son especially is very angry, he lost his only sibling.  My husband wanted to pretend for the longest time that she wasn't really sick and then ignore as much as possible that she was gone.  We were on the verge of divorce as was my son and his wife.

This takes so much out of you that you have nothing left and that is where relationships fall apart.  Have you considered family counseling?  Nothing will take the pain away, but what our family is finally coming to realize is that there is already so much pain associated with the loss of Heather that it is senseless to create more pain. We have more than we can handle already. What about a med change...it's sounds like you are in a major depressive episode...doesn't really take a genious to figure that one out, huh :-) but maybe the medication is not the right one or the right dose?

I wish I had words of wisdom but i only have my experience and I'm still figuring out what my answers are.  I feel anxious and panic when I think of a life time without Heather.  I've only been in this 14 months and I'm exhausted by it, I would imagine three years I will be more so.  Every day is a struggle just to go on with half my heart missing.  I do it for my son and granddaughter.  If not for them I would be content to join Heather now.  A normal thought I think but one you have to keep in check.  I hope you find some answers but more importantly I hope you find dome peace somewhere in this.  My heart is with you.

Terri

[neveragain]

MarksMomForever,   I lost my only son..... If it was me in your place. I would spend my energy on being part of your childrens lives. Get interested in them. Make them uncomfortable if you have too. My one and only started out thinking I was stalking but now checks in regular and tells me personal thoughts that were out of reach awhile ago. They are the greatest joy. Young men today have it even rougher than we who are older. There is alot of anger in the world. Talk to them about it and dont be afraid of the answers. My wife is broken.... We talk in code sometimes, like you would too a stroke victim. I remind her often that she is not alone in this, and that I dont expect to ever have things, the way they were. I want to say more but Ive run out of words. Neveragain

[caitsmom]

I am so sorry, MarksMomForever. I'm just so sorry your precious son died. Thinking of you and sending hopes for some healing in your family's life.

Peace,

Caitsmom

[lovekristy4ever]

Marks mom,

My heart breaks for you.  I hope that things get better and you start the the "up" part of the roller coaster soon.  I have no words of wisdom as I am very early in my journey and I too many times feel that it would be so nice just to go to sleep and not wake up.  I am trying very hard for my son but I too am not the same mom that I was before Kristy's death.  I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine.  I also have Ambien in case I have trouble sleeping.  I have had my son go to a grief counselor twice and now my husband and I see him.  My son isn't thrilled about seeing the counselor and the counselor feels he is doing well but says that teenagers greive different and just to keep an eye on him.   So he just sees us every two weeks now.

The other thing we do is attend Compassionate Friends support group.   It is like this site except we are all there in person talking.  As also on this site, it seems that the people that have been on their journey of grief longer help those of us early in our grief.   We are all going throught the worst suffering that anyone can every endure.  I wish peace for you and your family.

Love,

Terry

[azsummer2003]

I know how you feel. I just posted a topic about my daughter. Since our son (her only sibling died) we have come apart at the seams and are no longer any sort of a family. Instead of this tragedy bringing us closer, it has just driven us apart.

What suggestions have you gotten that have been helpful? I don't know what to do!