Father Passed on Dec. 1 and I Just Found Out Today Jan. 2!!

[alwaysleftout]

My father passed away and all the fiends, those who wanted his money, house, etc., and caused a lot of the problems between us, never notified me. I found out today because I went to call him, have been sick during the holidays, and his phone was disconnected!! Thus I looked on the internet and found his obituary!

Mom died back in 2007 and, for some reason, Dad seemed to turn on me because I lived 800 miles away and he felt I shod have been there 24/7. At the house after she passed, he accused me of stealing things from the house and all kinds of strange things. This was strange a I had not been to the home having gone right to the hospital and stayed with my Mother until the end.

He drove me away in tears with my husband furious about what he and the sycophiant (a second cousin) were doing and saying to me.

I tried to keep In touch by sending cards etc., but he never responded to either my cards or calls. Now he I gone and I wish I could have said good bye.

[alwaysleftout]

The greedy ones, the second cousin, etc., all had their hand in his pocket. Before Mom got sick, I tried to get them to move up by us or even in with us. This didn't go over with Dad because he smokes, I have asthma as does my husband, and Dad refused to give it up. BUT, he insisted that we move in with him....Dad does at least a pack of cigs a day. He was angry that I even dare suggest it. As for the ghouls, when Mom was in hospice they told us not to talk about death, her dying, etc, as even though she seems in a comma, she is not and can hear such talk. So, the 2nd cousin comes in and starts talking about how my Father has charged her to go buy a dress to bury Mom in right in front of MOM's hospice bed, and quite loud. DH told her this was inappropriate, but when she didn't get a rise out of me she said it again louder. Having the common sense not to start something, I just got up and walked out and left the ghoul there. My brother's wife started moaning about how she didn't want her husband, my brother, to use any of his vacation days because Mom was taking so long to pass in hospice!! Imagine! .

[alwaysleftout]

That was the start of the problems with Dad. When Hubby and I retired and moved, I wrote and invited Dad to come down and check the place out, perhaps move in. No response from him at all. Anyway, he is gone and I did not get to say goodbye. Hubby says that I did all I could and it was his choice not to respond.

[Blackrock]

Sorry for your loss. Every family has it's own issue but not notifying you on your own dad's funeral is just wrong. Unless ur dad had a will, the cousin cannot get any benefit out of the estate. It should be divi up between the children.

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[alwaysleftout]

Thank you. It IS RELLY ROTTEN. I am really having a hard time. My husband did make contact with the cousin through the nursing home....he left our number and she called us BUT she blocked her number so we couldn't get it.

[alwaysleftout]

I keep breaking down and keening.....not just crying, but almost a howl and it goes on for so long I can't get my breath. DH asked I my father had passed peacefully and got no answer from her. She said I would be hearing from a lawyer and when DH asked the attorney's name etc., she wouldn't give that to him either. My guess is that she is cleaning out the house of the ants etc,

I am still down, recovering and with the bad weather et. al., we can not travel up there.

I am having a difficult time even thinking about both my parents, now gone and buried under the snow. I am in my late60's and should be able to deal with this. But evil people, not.

[Sehausle]

My mom is doing pretty similar things to my sister (accusing them of stealing etc.). I think some of it is based on fear (of not knowing who to trust, not having enough to live off of etc.) and the other stems from their relationship before my dad died- which wasn't always good. I think lashing out at children can be an unfortunately common problem for parents who survived thier spouses. I am actually the one that lives far away and I know it can be tough because you feel so helpless but you know your life is in another city and you must learn to move on with your own life at the same time trying your best to offer support from afar.

 

I am sorry you had to go through this. Just try and focus on the happy memories you have with him before all of this, and know in your heart you did try to reach out. It sounds like you have the support of your husband and so while it's probably infuriating that others in your family may think negatively about you- you both know you had the best intentions. I hope you can find some peace during this difficult time.

[alwaysleftout]

Thank you.  It is terrible.  DH keeps telling me that I did the best I could.  One night, at 2 a.m. in the morning back in 2010, my father called and he was all in a tissey.  Oh he wasn't going to last that much longer, had a hard time breathing, could hardly make it to the back gate, etc.  Wanted me to drive down there immediately!  Keep in mind I am 800 miles away.  I asked if he needed immediate help (I would call police or ambulance) and he said no.  Explained to him that we would leave to go down the next day, assess the situation and see what needed to be done or taken care of.

 

I told him that starting out at night was just too hard to do right then and there.  Told him I would call him the next morning and set things up.  SUDDENLY he started telling me that wouldn't work, he was having company that day, and if I was going to call to call later in the evening.  When I did call, as he requested, I could hear the 2nd cousin and her brood in the background (I guess that was his company) and he told me EVERYTHING WAS FINE, no problems with his health, didn't need me, etc.

 

After hanging up confused by this, I called back and said:  Just what the heck is going on?  You call me at 2 a.m. and want me to come down immediately, Then when I tell you I would leave about 8 that morning you tell me not to because you are having company, and now everything is just fine with you???  The conversation got no where as he kept saying he didn't need me to come down but gave no excuse except everything was just fine.  I did hear the cousin leaving in the background as one of her girls said goodbye to my Dad.  Anyway, he made it pretty clear that he didn't want me to come down there.  As their was a winter storm going on, bad roads etc. I didn't based on what he said.

[Sehausle]

It sounds like you were more than willing to help him but perhaps his expectations were unreasonable or it was a moment of confusion for him and things really were ok. That being said, the most important part is to come to terms with this yourself and be gentle/kind with yourself. 

[alwaysleftout]

Now the interesting things are coming out.  Seems that about 3 months before Dad passed he changed the terms of his trust and will.  Everything, lock, stock and barrel, including the house, was given to this 2nd cousin.  Both my brother and I were left out with a clause put in that we were purposely left out!  I know that the trust provided bequeaths for my daughter and my brothers children and that was removed as well!

 

In fact, when I found the will filed, I contacted the attorney who filed it who claims he wasn't handling my Father's estate and that the estate had no assets, to the best of his recollection.

 

Upon getting a copy of the will from the Clerk of Court a few days ago, I find that this attorney is the one handling the probate, distribution etc.  Also, what is interesting is that this is NOT an attorney my parents ever used, or a firm they ever used!  That in itself seems strange to me.