Support - Ideas? Recommendations?

[AmandainVermont]

My partner of 20+ years died June 11 this year of lung cancer. My friends have been wonderful, but how many times can I call them up and say - "I am lonely," or "I am sad," or "I feel helpless."? So I come to this forum to get ideas and to exchange thoughts with people who definitely understand.

Danny was also my business partner. We ran a greenhouse/nursery operation together and he did ALL the guy stuff - plumbing, electrical, carpentry, mechanical... so I am emotionally empty and also so scared about starting the next season without him.

I keep trying to get ideas to lift myself out of this deep hole. (More prozac???) I do find that helping others helps me. They (?) suggest keeping a journal and although I love to write all I can think to say is - "I miss you Danny."

I try to keep busy. My 34-year-old son came up for Christmas, so that was helpful. Otherwise I am alone.

Any reading or web site suggestions?

By the way - initially I completely lost my appetite. Friends would bring meals and that was the only way I would remember to eat. BUT the last few months - oh boy - I am definitely filling the emptiness with food. I eat and eat at night, even when I totally know I am full and the food isn't particularly good. I am trying to realize that my health does matter - and gaining 15 pounds is bad... but then there's this voice saying - "who cares?"

This is tough, isn't it?

Amanda

[backyarder1]

Yes Amanda, it is incredibly tough. And the thing that helps to get me through the roughest times are finding other widows and widowers to talk to. Also grief counselors are good sometimes. I think other people who have experienced it are the only ones who can really help. And I have asked myself the same question. How many times can I keep calling my friends to ask them for emotional support? The grief books will tell you to keep asking as long as you need it but from my personal experience I can tell you that many people quit calling and checking on you pretty quickly. And it is such a personal time, that I don't really want to share my feelings about it with people who don't really care. Plus, at the times that I am reaching out and I usually very emotionally upset and I am almost afraid of making my loved ones worry too much about me. People who don't understand may think that we should be farther along in the grief process than we are.

Anyway, my suggestions are to try to find a grief support group in your area. I found mine through a local hospice organization and they usually know about all of the groups in the area.

As for books that might help, the one that I have found the most helpful is "Healing Grief, Finding Peace."

I wouldn't recommend Prozac but that is just me. For me, I think that I need to fully experience this grief. It's part of the whole love process for me and I don't really want to temper it.

[AmandainVermont]

Thank you for taking the time to answer my post. I have ordered your recommended book and also one with meditations. Hey, I'll try anything. I worry about pushing friends away by being so needy. I pride myself on being a strong, independent woman. Not so much these days.

I do go to a bereavement group once a month that is held at the hospice center. I've picked up some good ideas there and often find people worse off than I. But I think I should find a group that meets more often. Will start the hunt tomorrow.

Thank you again. How long have you been without your husband?

Amanda

[Kurtybearhugs]

My Dear Amanda, Hopefully, you can find one that meets every week. For those of us go weekly, it is often the only thing we have to look forward to, and the only thing that helps. This is a great website, and ditto to everything that Backyarder said.

Everything that you have mentioned is all stuff that we are experiencing or thinking ourselves around here, so no, you are not alone, and although it certainly feels that way, you are not going crazy. The key to getting through this is, as mentioned below, talking or chatting online with people who have experienced profound grief. I always tell people to make use of any and all resources available to them. This is no time to be shy. Google it, call, ask questions, pester people. Whatever it takes. We are here for you, too. All good people here. You can message any of us privately if you hold the cursor over their username for a moment, the option will appear. Try it...... You are more than likely to make an new friend.

We will never tire of you telling us how you feel. It's different when you are talking to someone who feels the same way. I am always available for chatting, and there are lots of ladies here if you prefer. Everyone here has been amazing, and I always feel better after being here. Good for YOU!! you have made a good start by reaching out. I know it hurts, but you will get through it. One box of Kleenex at a time. Love, Kurt

[AmandainVermont]

Thank you Kurt. I'm guessing it's harder for a man to show his grieving. I will be doing more reading and need to look around at these "boards" more carefully to learn from others.

[miekevson]

Hospice is offering a 13 month support thing but although my social worker and chaplain are very nice. They seem to want to leave quickly and talk more than that they listen. Is that how it goes?

[backyarder1]

Miekevson, where I live in Florida, there is no limit to how long you can stay in the grief support groups. Many people have been going to them for years. I think finding other people who have had a similar loss is the best thing you can do. They seem to be the only ones who are willing to keep listening for as long as you need them to.