Members meaganreese Posted December 29, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 29, 2013 This is the first time I've tried reaching out and the first time I've written about losing the love of my life. Ironically I am a writer, but I could not put the pen to the page (so to speak) because doing so was admitting he was gone. I'm not sure where to begin my story, but I guess a little background information is required. Steven and I have been together (almost) ten years. He is/was my entire world. Somehow in Southern California, Steven found this broken Wyoming girl and loved her enough that she began to love herself. He taught me to enjoy life, and celebrate Christmas. He held me the day my mother killed herself and every moment before and after. He made me feel beautiful and special-and he told me I was every single day. Steven chose to stay with me when I confessed that doctors had told me I could never become a mother-even though being a father was all he ever wanted. And in November of 2012, when I told him we were pregnant I have never seen him as elated. It was only because he was the man he was that I even dared to consider I could be a mother. It was only because of him I had any confidence that I wasn't doomed to repeat the mistakes of my mother. It was only because of him that I believed I could do anything. When our beautiful daughter, Marilyn, was born Aug 7th 2013, there was nothing more we could have asked for. Although that was the "best" time of our lives, if I'm being honest, it was also the worst. Marilyn was in the NICU, for a total of 11 weeks, in a hospital that was about 20 miles away. The emotional strain of walking into the NICU ward day after day is almost too much for any parent. On top of that, we were under tremendous financial pressure and there were many days we chose not to eat, so that we were able to put gas in the car, to travel to see our daughter. Our lease was up at the end of October and our landlord wasn't allowing us to re-new (he is selling). We had no possible way of coming up with a deposit for a new home and truly didn't know where we were going to live. On Friday September 20th, we found out that Steven's mother had passed, and on Saturday he awoke asking me "baby can we pretend that our lives don't suck today? Just for today?" So for the first time in 6 1/2 weeks we skipped the hospital and spent the day together. It was the first time, in a very long time, I saw him laugh. That night while walking to our bedroom, Steven collapsed at my feet. Steven was in the ICU (of a different hospital) for a week before he was declared brain dead. So for that week I traveled between one hospital and the other, an ICU or a NICU was where I constantly found myself. There are many things that have happened between then and now but as I lay here in our bed writing this, our beautiful child lays next to me sleeping soundly. I look at her and all I think is "how am I ever going to be able to raise her, without him?" It was only because I knew he would be next to me that I felt I could do it at all. I don't know how I'm suppose to get out of bed, let alone be a mother. I find myself grateful for the daily 'distraction' of her, but deep down I know I'm using it to pretend that he isn't gone. If I'm constantly busy, I don't have to feel. This baby of ours, is incredibly special and she deserves better than me. She deserves him. I don't know how I'll ever raise her. I just don't know what to do. Meagan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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