Raising our child alone

[meaganreese]

This is the first time I've tried reaching out and the first time I've written about losing the love of my life. Ironically I am a writer, but I could not put the pen to the page (so to speak) because doing so was admitting he was gone. I'm not sure where to begin my story, but I guess a little background information is required. Steven and I have been together (almost) ten years. He is/was my entire world. Somehow in Southern California, Steven found this broken Wyoming girl and loved her enough that she began to love herself. He taught me to enjoy life, and celebrate Christmas. He held me the day my mother killed herself and every moment before and after. He made me feel beautiful and special-and he told me I was every single day. Steven chose to stay with me when I confessed that doctors had told me I could never become a mother-even though being a father was all he ever wanted. And in November of 2012, when I told him we were pregnant I have never seen him as elated. It was only because he was the man he was that I even dared to consider I could be a mother. It was only because of him I had any confidence that I wasn't doomed to repeat the mistakes of my mother. It was only because of him that I believed I could do anything.

When our beautiful daughter, Marilyn, was born Aug 7th 2013, there was nothing more we could have asked for. Although that was the "best" time of our lives, if I'm being honest, it was also the worst. Marilyn was in the NICU, for a total of 11 weeks, in a hospital that was about 20 miles away. The emotional strain of walking into the NICU ward day after day is almost too much for any parent. On top of that, we were under tremendous financial pressure and there were many days we chose not to eat, so that we were able to put gas in the car, to travel to see our daughter. Our lease was up at the end of October and our landlord wasn't allowing us to re-new (he is selling). We had no possible way of coming up with a deposit for a new home and truly didn't know where we were going to live. On Friday September 20th, we found out that Steven's mother had passed, and on Saturday he awoke asking me "baby can we pretend that our lives don't suck today? Just for today?" So for the first time in 6 1/2 weeks we skipped the hospital and spent the day together. It was the first time, in a very long time, I saw him laugh. That night while walking to our bedroom, Steven collapsed at my feet. Steven was in the ICU (of a different hospital) for a week before he was declared brain dead.

So for that week I traveled between one hospital and the other, an ICU or a NICU was where I constantly found myself. There are many things that have happened between then and now but as I lay here in our bed writing this, our beautiful child lays next to me sleeping soundly. I look at her and all I think is "how am I ever going to be able to raise her, without him?" It was only because I knew he would be next to me that I felt I could do it at all. I don't know how I'm suppose to get out of bed, let alone be a mother. I find myself grateful for the daily 'distraction' of her, but deep down I know I'm using it to pretend that he isn't gone. If I'm constantly busy, I don't have to feel. This baby of ours, is incredibly special and she deserves better than me. She deserves him. I don't know how I'll ever raise her. I just don't know what to do. Meagan

[Silvergirl61]

That you have put pen to paper , as it were, is already an incredibly courageous step. I will simply borrow some wisdom from a mother who is now 87 years old, who lost her husband at the age of 51, with five school age children at home to try and raise alone. She hadn't driven a car in 27 years. She had only worked part time for a few months at a time in the years she was married (28). She never even finished high school, because her parents didn't think girls at that time needed higher learning. Out of six children, only one had graduated from high school, and the second one was only in her second year of it...and the youngest hadn't started preschool yet.

She says that every time she felt like giving up, no matter how sad or angry, or scared she was..she just kept remembering , that all of us were relying on her to get us to adulthood..and she just kept learning , working and doing what she had to..until one day she realized...she had been stronger than she ever knew she could be, and had done what she needed to do...and that by that time, she realized..in her darkest hours, he had been there in her heart and her memories all along..and now she knew that he was proud of the job she'd done. As are all of her children.

I am sorry for your loss, wish you the best, and offer the words, that you are stronger than you know you can be, too.... just take it a day at a time, and do what you think you need to to take care of you and your daughter.

[backyarder1]

Hi Meagan. Do you have family nearby? I think all of us on this website can only draw from our own experiences but I know that many of us, myself included, may not have had the emotional strength to take care of ourselves, much less a baby, during certain periods of our grief. And there is NEVER anything weak about asking for help when you need it. In fact, it often takes great strength. I encourage you to reach out to any local resources that you can find who can help your through this period -- both for yourself and for your baby. I'm sure there are women's centers or other organizations who help single mothers and what you are going through would be very, very hard for anyone to handle alone.

I know how painful and hard it is to lose the love of your life. But I, for one, think that you are incredibly blessed to have a baby with the one you loved. So many of us are struggling to hang onto anything we can find to remind us of our lost love and just look at the wonderful gift that God/life has given you. A baby!

Please reach out within your community and try to find some groups that can help you through this rough time. Grief support groups. Women's centers. There is also another young woman on here who lost her fiancé and has a young child (although past the baby age I believe). Perhaps you two can provide some suggestions and emotional support for each other.

[obakesan]

Meagan

The things he saw are still within you. You don't have to see them, just have faith in the love you knew he had for you that they are there.

Don't look too far ahead and just do what is needed in each day. Over some years you will find you have done the best you could by doing what you can everyday.

I can't get out of bed often without some reason. Sometimes I lie there hoping for a reason.

Learn about your love and teach it to your daughter.

[terri251]

Megan, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my fiance in November and I know how extremely difficult it is to take care of a child while trying to grieve. My daughter is 20 months now, and it pains me to know she won't remeber him. He loved her so much, and was an amazing father. I honestly don't know how to do this by myself. I was such a better mother with him than I am right now. Luckily I do have family that has helped, primarily my cousin who took care of her for me while I was going back and forth to the hospital and for a couple weeks after. Now she is home and it is a struggle every day. I hate saying that work is somewhat of a break for me, because for that time she is with someone who takes better care of her than me. Trying to care for her on my own is hard and is something I never thought I would have to do. Sometimes I look at her and see her father and all the things he wanted to do with her and it breaks my heart. I hope with time I will get better at being a mother, but I know his support and love made me a good mother. The only advice I can give is accept help when it is offered and remeber you are doing the best you can. If you ever want to talk let me know, I am always looking for someone I an talk to who can understand this.