Do we have to forget to get over our grief?

[backyarder1]

I spent a good part of today putting together a slideshow of photos of my life with Tom. I want so much to hold onto every memory. And of course, it makes me cry every time I watch it. But even though it does, I would much rather remember everything than ever stand the chance of forgetting any of my time with him. But what do you think? Is it better to try to forget and move on, or to hold onto every memory even if they bring pain?

[Liamslady]

I did exactly the same, it made me sad but also occupied me and brought back some lovely times, I also found some old videos, I didn't realise how much I missed his Irish accent and laid back nature, I just miss him so much and it's all I've got left, I've also posted some funny ones on Facebook as I love the response from his friends, it stops me feeling so lonely and makes me feel close to him again.

I just don't want anyone to forget him! Because I never will.

[backyarder1]

Hi Liams Lady. I feel exactly the same way. I don't want anyone to forget him. I think some people might think I would be better off if I quit dwelling on stuff like this but they are wrong. You are so lucky that you have videos. I'd give anything to have a video of my husband laughing.

[Austykatie]

I held on to every memory and looked at a ton of pictures for the first few months. For myself, I think I am having an easier time moving forward. I put up a wall and decided I am going to accept he is not coming home and its time to move on. I am sure this is not the healthy way of doing things but its what way I know makes it easier for me...

[Silvergirl61]

I am going to repeat what has been told to me so often here- there is no rule book for this. Only you can know what it is that helps you, and whatever it is..is the right thing for you to do for yourself. Love to all- Silver

[obakesan]

Hi

But what do you think? Is it better to try to forget and move on

myself I don't believe so.

I closed up our house in Australia and travelled more than 14,000Km to be here in her home. We lived here together for some years. I have walked almost every street and looked at every memory I can find. It was intensely painful at first but in the last 6 months it has become easier.

, or to hold onto every memory even if they bring pain?

I won't kid you and say its easy, but I believe one has to look ones fears in the face and understand them.

I write a journal (a private one) as well as publish my feelings on my blog. This helps me keep straight in my mind what I am feeling. To be able to make it clear and coherent helps me to bring order to the chaos of her passing.

We each heal in different ways, but I don't believe that forgetting is even possible. It could at most be pretending. I found it painful but comforting eventually to find her artworks and look at them. (a post on that)

I am learning as much about her as I can, as much about who I was as I can; seeing that teaches me much about who we became together. From this I see what we gave each other. Knowing that I helped her in her life makes me feel better. For everyone and every thing dies. I believe that its better to have been given love and assistance during our lives, and so if I can see how much love I gave to her it makes me feel better.

I wish you peace.

[backyarder1]

Hi Obakesan, I love your thoughts on the topic. I agree, that I want to hold onto every memory and relive them as much as possible. I think there are things that I can learn from my life with my husband that I WISH I had learned back then, but I didn't. I need to not let those thoughts cause me any regrets. The time for what I COULD have done are past.

I love your writing style and would love to read your blog. I will send you a private message and perhaps we can exchange blog links.

[obakesan]

Hi

I am glad I can say anything that helps.

I think there are things that I can learn from my life with my husband that I WISH I had learned back then, but I didn't. I need to not let those thoughts cause me any regrets. The time for what I COULD have done are past.

It has only been recently that I stopped punishing myself for not learning them sooner myself. I hope to emerge from this back into a man that she would still love when we meet again. Perhaps like a metamorphosis into a better man :-)

[Caremal]

have not read of the posts here yet but my first reply is this. NO you do not have to forget. I will NEVER forget my husband and all we had together.

[Kurtybearhugs]

If only that were possible....the alcohol industry would go right out of business.. The issue is one that people handle very differently. Some put up more pictures, some take them all down. Some want to remember, and look at pictures. Some can't stand to do that. I personally would look at photo albums and videos when I felt like I needed to cry, and hadn't lately (pretty rare). I even met a person once in one of my face to face grief groups, who once decided to put up a large number of pictures all over the house, and then the next day, said out loud " What the Hell was I thinking?!!" and promptly took them all down.

I guess on average, memories are very painful at first, but as the pain eventually starts to subside, (yes, it will) those same memories will then become a source of comfort. Not that I don't still cry (almost daily), but when I do cry, it is not like before. Now it is like crying at a sad movie, or even crying at something that is a happy thing, like a wedding. I can also prevent myself from crying now, if the situation calls for it. (that took about three years to master)

The only thing that helps get us through our grief, is what we are doing right here. Talking to people who get it. All you can do otherwise, is to try to make yourself as comfortable as possible as you make your way through each day. Put up all the pictures you want, or take them all down. All that matters is what you want to do. Many of us have trouble in knowing how to take care of ourselves, but if there ever was a time to learn, it is now. Try your best and ask for suggestions if you need to, but you need extra gentle TLC for a while, even if you have to do it for yourself, as most of us do now. Any way that works for YOU, is the right way.... Kurt

PS FYI Grief really messes with a person's memory - big time, but it is only temporary. Some people get very upset because they can't even remember what their partner looked like, or the sound of their voice, etc. Try not to fret too much, this will go away, and your memories will come back to you. One of my grief buddies was buying post-it notes by the case, until his grief started to ease up.

[redfish99999]

No....  forgetting does not work.....  I'd say cherish the memories....even discuss memories openly with your friends and new honey.... Keep her a part of your life.....honor and cherish her memory.......

 

If you try to forget, then along comes a holiday, birthday, anniversary or something that's gonna blindside you.....

 

Just get rid of the self pity and feeling sorry for yourself....that is not constructive and does no one any good.......

 

Well, that's my opinion.....

[backyarder1]

Well, redfish, you would certainly get along with my dear departed if you are a fisherman! The slideshow I made of him has quite a few fishing photos in it.

[fanhit]

"Is it better to try to forget and move on, or to hold onto every memory even if they bring pain?"

 

I suppose it's whatever works best for the individual.  My wife passed away in November and on New Year's Eve I was feeling happy, confident and my old personality was coming back.  I was looking forward to moving on with my life, while still grieving.  But then a major personal crisis occurred where it's going to take 3 months to resolve (separate from the settlement of the estate and the like).  Suddenly, I was back into major grieving mode and wishing she was still with me to help me through.

 

I recently discovered a batch of photographs that my wife had taken of my old apartment from 15 years ago that were organized into a scrapbook-type arrangement.  I wasn't even aware she had done that and it brought me joy and yet made me break down.  I barely photographs of anything, so I'm grateful she documented that part of my life.

 

I still have some frozen leftover turkey from Thanksgiving.  Once my personal affairs are in order, I will make some vegetables, gravy and mashed potatoes to go with the leftover turkey she cooked and reminisce.

[obakesan]

At first everything was just pain

After some months it was possible to find that I was not entirely immersed in that pain. Every step and every thing in did reminded me she wasn't here.

Today in walking around her home town I realised that not only did it remind me of her, but that in these last six months I have slowly built up memories of me being here.

I see that as time goes forward I build new memories and the older ones recede (although not vanish).

Like the scars on my body, the pain in my heart is a reminder. A reminder of the love we have, that it is my role to carry this love in this world, till we are together again.