Dealing with birthdays

[terri251]

Today is my birthday, and I should be feeling happy and overjoyed, but all I feel is extreme since of sadness, loneliness and loss. I miss my fiance so much today. I can't seem to stop crying which is not good because my daughter doesn't understand she just wants to play and make a mess (she is 20 months and has effectively tossed the food she did not eat all over the floor, yay me). I am not sure what to do today, I know I have to go spend some time with family but I all I really want is to be left alone. I know that is not an option because I have my daughter and she needs me. I just thought that things were getting better. I a few days of no tears and felt something other than anger and sadness for a little bit. Now I am back to barely being able to breathe. I just remeber what my fiance did for me last year and I know he would have done something special for me this year. I just don't know how a person moves on with life when there heart is gone. I know it has been less than 2 months since he passed away but it feels like it has been years and life is getting harder not better.

Ok that is my vent for today. I will find away to pull myself together and go back to pretending everything is okay. Maybe I will work on a tutu dress or finish the two I have been working on. Hope everyone is having a better day than me.

[Kurtybearhugs]

Terri, It's been two months for you? That's only a few minutes in grief time. (like dog years) At two months, I had just started going to my first support group. Two things you said need comment.... First you feel like you are getting worse. Well I truly do hate to say this to you, but you need to know this. For some of us, our grief doesn't even fully set in for six months. So the bad news is, you are actually 'getting worse'. The good news is that you will reach bottom, (even though I know you already feel like you won't live through the pain, and you can't imagine how you could possibly feel any worse) and you will eventually start to recover. The other thing you said is that grief comes in waves, and comes and goes, over and over again. We have never been through anything like this before!! Usually, no matter how bad we feel, or how sick we are, when we start to get better, we continue to improve in a very linear, and predictable way. Not so with demon grief. You will eventually start having good moments, and good hours, then good days, etc, and then your grief will hit you like a speeding train -- this cycle will continue for months or even years to come, but you WILL eventually recover. The average is 3 to 5 years. Four years for me, and I can still cry. I am crazy happy most of the time, and I just now feel that I am truly ready for another relationship, but I still have my moments. They are nothing like they once were, and now are more like crying at a sad movie, which by the way, I do a lot more if these days. (now it feels good to cry, but for you, at this time, I know - not so much) We can PM if you like...... I would enjoy chatting with you further.... If you keep expressing your feelings, you will heal. It is as simple (and painful) as that. Loving Kindness, and Big Hugs To You. PS I have the greatest respect and admiration for you being able to be there for your child. At one point, I had to give my cats to a friend, because I couldn't give them the attention they needed. You are doing your best, and no one can ask more than that of you. Peace.