Coping skills for young girl

[JennyK]

We lost our 28 year old son this past February to an overdose in our home. He has 3 siblings with an older brother and two younger sisters. His youngest sister is 14 and struggling to cope. It is difficult to place ourselves in her world and to wander through her eyes. 8 months after his death, we celebrated his birthday and his sister picked out a birthday present, wrapped it and brought it to a birthday dinner held in his honor.

As we approach Christmas, I offered to take my daughter shopping for a Christmas gift for Dan and we're now planning to go this evening. Last night she broke down and shared her sadness and offered that her anger and acting out was the result of her concerns - the family seems to be working to move past his death. It's a tragedy that knows no end, nor should it. Finding our new normal with so many moving parts is challenging and I am looking for feedback from someone who can best empathize with my daughter and offer how best to encourage acceptance, guidance if therapy might help a 14 year old - who is smarter than the world or if forcing therapy might hinder her acceptance and ability to find a new normal?

Merry Christmas,

Jim

[ModKonnie]

Hi Jim,

My brother was killed in a car wreck when I was 14. He was the oldest of seven children, and I was number five.

My parents were so overwhelmed with their own grief, they didn't realize we (his siblings) were trying to grasp the reality of what happened and deal with the horror, too.

We didn't talk about his death or how we were feeling, and his birthday was basically "forgotten" and skipped.

My father wallowed in grief and never quite recovered. My mother did the very best she could, but she became very angry and impatient with the rest of us.

His death marked a very awful turn in our lives from a happy, normal family to a functioning, dysfunctional family. We all coped in various ways; many through bad behavior and drugs and alcohol.

I guess one of the problems that no one addressed is that we all felt as though we didn't matter anymore once my brother was gone because all of the focus was on how horrible it was that he died and not that any of us were still living. (Does that seem selfish?--Well that's how it felt through the eyes of a teenager).

Family counseling and individual counseling would have definitely helped all of us.

And if it helps--I was smarter than the world at 14, too, but I still could have used the help, even though I was too "smart" to realize it back then. We all just tried to be "tough" and "made of steel" to get through the first few years.

I hope this helps give some perspective.

ModKonnie

[JennyK]

Thanks for sharing your perspective Konnie. It's most meaningful coming from first hand experience and I suspect describes most families, ours included. We brought my dad home to our house for hospice in Nov of last year and he died in our living room in Dec with Dan passing just two months later in Feb. It was/is a traumatic experience for all of us and certainly for a 14 year old. We've worked hard to keep him present in our lives and he is mentioned almost daily these past ten months. We celebrated his birthday in Oct with dinner out and everybody got a Notre Dame hat - his favorite. We'll give a try for some family counseling and take it from there.

Jim