Members Alone Posted December 16, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 16, 2013 When my husband died almost 5 months ago people warned about the "firsts" - the first birthday, anniversary, and holidays. I am finding the holidays to be so very difficult. This may be because last year at this time we were so very hopeful that we were on our way to beating my Tom's cancer. Or it could be because my Tom loved life so much that he made holidays even more special. Or it could be because there are people who believe that I should be "better" by now. Or it could be because my surroundings are so unfamiliar as I had to change where I lived after my Tom died. I lost everything that was familiar with that move as I changed states. Our stuff is here, but I am continually reminded that this was never our home. This apartment is both my sanctuary and my prison. It is my sanctuary as I can grieve without prying eyes and judgements. My Tom's ashes are here with me and I feel comforted by closeness to the last of his physical being. Yet once here I am imprisoned in my grief with no one here to break the cycle of crying and despair.How are you coping with the holidays? I am making sure that I am with someone that day and away from this apartment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted December 16, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 16, 2013 My Tom loved Christmas. I thought it would be very hard for me to handle Christmas the same way that we always did. So instead, I bought a small tree and I decorated it with some of Tom's fishing lures rather than regular ornaments. It didn't make me as sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members catz Posted December 16, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 16, 2013 ive been through a few firsts now.....christmas is gonna be rough i think, but i think ill treat it as i did Alexs bday. For that i couldnt do what id promised him at the beginning of the year that i would, so instead i made him something for his bday, a slideshow that i posted on his FB wall and sent to his parents also. Ive already decided that im going to get one of our pet photos that he loved, framed up for him for christmas. Yeah ok, hes not here.........but part of him will never leave me and i want to acknowledge that. Nothing can change whats happened, but by the same token he is never going to be totally gone as long as i remember him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Silvergirl61 Posted December 17, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 17, 2013 I got through the first set by going to a family members new house..where there were no memories. Not sure if it wuld have been harder here, but i made it through. This year..right or wrong.. I am ignoring the holidays as much as possible. Thanksgiving and christmas anyway. I just don't feel festive, and i just don't care to pretend I do. Maybe next year will be different..guess I'll decide then. This year no tree, no decorations, none of it. No highs, but so far, no terrible lows either. I may change my mind at the last minute..or not. We'll see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnwulf0513 Posted December 17, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 17, 2013 When my husband died almost 5 months ago people warned about the "firsts" - the first birthday, anniversary, and holidays. I am finding the holidays to be so very difficult. This may be because last year at this time we were so very hopeful that we were on our way to beating my Tom's cancer. Or it could be because my Tom loved life so much that he made holidays even more special. Or it could be because there are people who believe that I should be "better" by now. Or it could be because my surroundings are so unfamiliar as I had to change where I lived after my Tom died. I lost everything that was familiar with that move as I changed states. Our stuff is here, but I am continually reminded that this was never our home.This apartment is both my sanctuary and my prison. It is my sanctuary as I can grieve without prying eyes and judgements. My Tom's ashes are here with me and I feel comforted by closeness to the last of his physical being. Yet once here I am imprisoned in my grief with no one here to break the cycle of crying and despair.How are you coping with the holidays? I am making sure that I am with someone that day and away from this apartment. Yes I understand the prison/sanctuary.. Almost everything we had was destroyed by the fire and it hurts that I don't even have any of our "stuff" .. Just a place to hide. She never even got to sit on her new recliner, sleep in her new bed, watch her new TV.. The holidays are going to be rough, and, her birthday is Jan 10th .. Way too many first's way too close together. I am going to spend christmas with my stepdaughter and her son. Shari loved going to her house for the holiday and being with her always makes me feel that Shari is nearby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HeyJude Posted December 17, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 17, 2013 Silver - I'm doing the same thing as you are this year. No tree, no presents, no nothing. I just don't have it in me. I guess I'll just pretend that I am a Johovah's Witness this year. I am about three weeks away from the anniversary date of his death and I have been feeling just horrible lately. Lots of tears. I miss him so incrediably much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alone Posted December 18, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2013 I sent out a few Christmas cards to people I wanted to thank for their ongoing support. I sent gift cards to my step sons and asked them to spend the money making memories with their children. I want to keep my relationship with those boys if I can. I gave my son a gift card and a huge hug. I signed the cards from both my husband and me. Now I'm done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted December 18, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2013 I signed my cards from me, and my Angel Tom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members teemcdee Posted December 18, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2013 This year is the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas without Greg. It sucks. I am crying more now. Cried at work today. Everything reminds me of him. Most of my friends don't want to hear me cry anymore. I've had a couple of friends who actually dumped me right after Greg died. Apparently i was causing too much "drama" for them. My support system was small to begin with. My family is out of state. I have looked up some old friends and have a few i can usually call when i just can't stand to be alone. But my friends can't take care of me all the time. I'll be off from work for 2 weeks and I don't know what i will do with all that time besides feel alone and lonely. i miss him so much. He died quite unexpectedly. I play a hundred different scenarios in my head, as if finding just the right one will miraculously make him not be dead anymore. i still imagine he is with me. I guess this is not healthy, i don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Liamslady Posted December 18, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2013 What a good idea to use a Christmas card, as a thank you to people that have shown such kindness and support to me over the last 6 weeks, I can just about deal with sending out a few cards, but the rest of Christmas is just going to be ignored.The first month was easier to deal with, now after 6 weeks, everyone is getting on with their lives and I'm watching from the side lines wondering if I can cope with this utter despair much more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alone Posted December 19, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted December 19, 2013 Dear Liamslady - I am so very sorry for your loss. I pray that things get better for you soon but I think that the truth is that we are on a very long road. It's been 5 months since I lost my Tom and every day is hard. My only advice is to get support whether that is from this website or from grief groups, books, prayer, family or friends. I have found that books and prayer help as quite often the grief comes at times when people are not available. And while this website is good and full of supportive people, we aren't always online to talk with you. The prayer I have used most often since my Tom got sick is the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." Then I simply talk about all the things that are on my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AmandainVermont Posted December 31, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 31, 2013 Oh yes, the holidays were VERY difficult. There are so many other "firsts" that we can't anticipate. Every day I think to myself, "Oh, wait until I tell Danny about that (whatever 'that' may be)" and then I remember that he is not here any more to share with. Losing my partner has been like an amputation - I didn't realize how much I depended upon him. And he was the one and only person who loved me and was always there to support me. And now that space is empty. It hurts most of the time, but the holidays really bring the pain to the surface. It's so sad to be alone at any time.I have been making an effort to keep busy and to help others. And rather than wear out my friends, I will turn to places like this forum to express myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.