Alone and waiting

[Alone]

Furniture - in the beginning I was shiny and new like a piece of grand furniture. As I aged and got nicked, dented and scratched I became less desirable to many and ultimately became a utility item. I was not really wanted but I filled a purpose so I was kept around. Then my Tom found me and he fell in love with me despite my nicks, dents and scratches. My Tom decided I was worth restoring . He buffed away all the damage that had been done by others and gave me a new finish in the form of love, joy, and hope. My Tom restored me and made my frame whole and strong.

Now my Tom is gone. All the old nicks, dents and scratches have returned and are joined by new damage. This new damage results from disease, defeat, exhaustion, and loneliness. I am once again no more than a battered piece of furniture. I am uglier and weaker now so I have even less utility. I am once again in storage merely waiting for my final destruction.

[backyarder1]

Hi Alone. That is a very heartfelt post. Very poignant and personal. And I am so sorry for your loss and for the feelings that you are experiencing right now. I woke up this morning thinking of how I always said that my Tom was my better half. And then I told myself that he was really just my OTHER half. He brought wonderful qualities to our relationship but I brought wonderful qualities, too. True, he brought out some of those good qualities in me, but they must have been there all the time if he was able to bring them out. The same is true for you and your Tom. I do understand your feelings exactly. Because I know that it was easy to "shine and sparkle" when I was with my Tom. Because I wanted to for him. But now I know I need to learn to do that on my own. I KNOW the shine and sparkle are there within me. And I have to learn to restore them on my own.

If there is anyway that we can help each other with that, I am here for you. And I'm sure others on this forum are, too.

[Alone]

Thank you... Last year at this time we were so very hopeful that we could beat his disease. That last night in July, I prayed that God would heal my amazing husband or grant him peace. Now I pray that there is a heaven and that my Tom is no longer suffering and that I will be with him again someday. And I pray that I will be with all the others I have lost ... both parents, a sibling, a child, and just yesterday I lost a grandchild. It's hard to go out in the world when your heart is this heavy and so many are concentrating on a material Christmas.

[backyarder1]

I understand. It sounds like you have had more than your share of losses so I understand why it is all so hard for you. You probably don't want to hear this, because I don't really like hearing it, but you are stronger than you think.

[Kurtybearhugs]

Dear Alone, It is so true how having the right person can make all dents and scratches seem to disappear. My Laura always handled my faults and my emotional damage and my little temper tantrums with patience and grace. After my Laura died, I looked in the mirror, and I was horrified to find that I was a pudgy, middle-aged white guy with a lot grey hair and frown lines. After my lovely Laura died, I had three relationships in three years, looking for that feeling that she had given me. No luck. I have been alone and no dating, for almost a year. I have finally figured out who I am without my wife, and have lost the desperation to be with someone. (anyone) It has been four years for me, and it still hurts sometimes, but it is much much much better than it was. It was an agonizingly slow process though, and often seemed that I was moving backwards in my recovery. I never really got used to the fact that the grief would keep coming back over and over, seemingly for no reason. Just when I thought I was over that crap, WHAM!! Even now I sometimes get down, but it is short-lived, and relatively rare these days. I wish I had magic words for you, but I don't. The best thing I ever did for myself was to find a grief support group that I liked, in which I could cry, and share my pain, and just let it out. I still go to a support group, but now I go to help others understand what they are going through, and to show them a living example of someone who got through the worst of the bad times, and who once again has a life that is worth living. Yours With Loving Kindness, Kurt

[Alone]

Kurtybearhugs - My husband was an expert hugger and that is just one of the many things I miss. I know that my journey to peace will be long. My Tom and I were married for almost 21 years but knew each other for 17 years before that as good, long distance friends. I am so grateful for those 38 years and recognize that many couples are not blessed with many years. I agree with your statement regarding grief support groups being helpful, but I know that the most essential thing is to get to the day where I make the choice to move forward. I'm edging towards that choice but have not committed to it as yet.

Thank you for posting as we all need to hear that there are, or at least can be possibilities in our futures.