I lost my mum to cancer

[Tima]

I lost my mum about 2 mouths now to metastatic lung cancer, she was my EVERYTHING, she was an extraordinary person, I loved her so much. We lived miles apart from each other ( because I have to study ) but when I've learned that her cancer got the best of her, I cancelled everything and went back to see her. I will NEVER forget the smile on her face when she first saw me, she couldn't move but yet she held me so tight and cried, I couldn't stand seing her like that. She suffered a lot, her cancer went to her brain and bones, she could barley say a clear word and was in a lot of pain. She stayed awake the whole night, and me with her, but at one point I got really tired and ignored her but then I responded to her requests ( I feel HORRIBLE :'( ). One day I left her calling my name and went to "see" my boyfriend. When she died I felt releaved, maybe because I was finally gonna get some sleep, or maybe because her suffering ended, I really don't know and that drives me crazy. I didn't cry but rather felt some kind of peace. The 3rd day I went laughing. I don't know why. Now I feel so awfull,guilty and depressed. I don't know why I acted that way, knowing that I loved her more than anything...

[kailmarie]

I lost my mom to cancer also. March 12,2013 I feel so guilty and depressed because of how I was the last few weeks. I was so exhausted and angry. She lived with me for the last three moths of her life. The last week I sent her to a hospice house because I just could not deal with it any more. She begged me to take her home and I didn't. I just wasn't strong enough.

[Trish91]

Dear All, I am sorry to respond to this topic a month after your post, but I only saw it today. However, it is truly relevant, as I also feel guilty about my behaviour during those last few weeks of my mom´s life. She also died of cancer four weeks ago today, of lung cancer, and I was with her for the last three months of her life, and during at least the first two I completely underestimated her pain, as I thought it was due to a herniated disc, which had been the diagnosis of her doctor, and then, once I found out, rather than spend every single night at the hospital, or arrive there first thing every morning, I actually took some nights off in order to sleep, and got there at 9 or 9.30 AM, as opposed to everybody else (7 AM or 8 AM at the latest), and I even got upset with her twice, once because she could no longer move properly or move at all, and was not really able to cooperate with me when I took her to the toilet, and then when she refused to wear her oxygen mask, also one night that she was awake or semi-awake, as the morphine was giving her some sort of hallucinations, I was upset and asking her to try to sleep because I could not sleep, but she was in so much pain......

 

I was so selfish, and during her last three weeks, I kept thinking it´d be better for her to pass away soon because she was suffering so much, as her cancer had spread to her bones, and I just thought that it would be easier to go back to a normal life as soon as possible than continue in such depressing and tragic situation, and I thought that because I had been with her for the last three months and had seen her suffer and steadily decline, that I could not stand seeing her in pain anymore. She was not there anymore, she was in absolute pain, the pain dominated her life completely, and all she wanted was to rest. Her soul was taken by the cancer along with her body, and it was really hard to witness.

 

In any case, I feel very guilty right now, I believe that I could and definitely should have been a lot better, more tolerant, patient and loving. I told her that I loved her all the time though, and I helped her as best as I could, given my limitations and the fear and pain of seeing her suffer like that, but it was as if I had been numb and in a sort of denial, as if I could not fully step up to the plate, because of my own fears, anxiety, sadness and despair. It´s as if I had wanted to stick my head in the sand and not see anything, it was too much to take.

 

Anyway, I don´t think we are bad people, bad children, we truly loved our moms and are now really suffering because of the absence of our very best friend, the person who loved us the most and truly liked us, regardless of our flaws, the person who always had our backs, our confident. We have also paid and will be paying, with our grief, loneliness, nostalgia and longing, in a way, for any behaviour that might not have been ideal, but it´s ultimate part of our human nature. I think we were trying to protect ourselves, to shield ourselves from the terrible pain and imminent loss. We did what we could, despite our limitations.

 

Anyhow, I just wanted to say that I completely understand your feelings, and that I am really sorry for the loss of your moms.

 

Please stay in touch through this forum, and you know we are here to help each other out.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish