Please Help

[Orlando1088]

I lost my husband 5 days ago after a horrific year of suffering from Lung Cancer. The Children are arranging the funeral and I desperately need someone to tell me it gets better. I am haunted by not ever seeing him again, or being reunited in whatever Heaven is.

My heart is broken into a million pieces and I will never recover. I cry all day and confine myself to two rooms only, the memories being too painful elsewhere.

Please tell me how to cope,

Sheila x

[needy]

My heart goes out to you. Right now my best advise is to think of yourself with a extreme bad case of the flu. Right now you are going to take care of yourself and let anyone help you. Remember to keep up your fluids, eat as much as you can handle and take naps. Go out for small walks but make sure you bring someone with you because you might feel a little week. Just focus one day at a time.

Sheila my husband passed away in his sleep from a heart attack 9 months ago at the age of 48 years of age. I was a total mess. Post as much as you need, members are here for you.

[DarkHairedGirl]

Try to get out of the house as much as possible. Looking at the shared surroundings makes it harder. I can't stay in my home anymore, I see my dad everywhere. I plan to move somewhere new and unfamiliar. Even get new furniture. Change of surroundings may be good. Even change the layout in your home.

[backyarder1]

Orlando1088, my heart breaks for you. And I understand so much why you want to the pain to stop and I have confidence that it will. And I can tell you that every one of us is here to help you. But keep in mind that everyone's grief is different. And the suggestions we offer may not be the right ones for you. One person may be helped by socializing. Another by staying home with their thoughts. One person may be helped by religion while others are not. My suggestion is to find a grief counselor and talk to them. They have experienced many people's grief and can help you make some good choices for yourself. Here is a very good list from someone who has been through grief. Many of her statements have helped me. http://identityrenewed.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/15thingsaboutgrief_terynobrien.pdf

[Orlando1088]

Thanks to everyone I truly value your advice. I have been out today to buy a TV for my bedroom, it was hard especially as the soppy Christmas Songs are playing. Needy, having spent a year not thinking of myself at all it's so difficult as I don't care, but I realise I must try for the sake of my Son and his Children. how are you coping now? Darkhairedgirl. I told my Son and Daughter in law who live with me to keep an open mind, could be that the memories in the house are too painful but then I think it's like I am disrespecting his memory to run away. He loved our house.

Backyarder1, I think I need to talk to someone, I have today been given the details of a Counsellor. I just need coping strategies to get me through the Funeral and these early days. What haunts me constantly is the thought of never ever seeing him again, this I cannot even begin to comprehend. Whether religious or not there are no guarantees we will see our loved ones again.

So sorry to bombard you all with questions, did you all torture yourselves too?

Sheila

I

[HeyJude]

Did I torture myself?? Good Lord Yes!!! I still get overcome with guilt now and it has been 11 months that I lost my husband. We were together 34 years, an entire lifetime.

I was lucky, my home didn't pose any problems for me. It is outside that gets me because he loved the outdoors so much. I live on 5 acres and there is a lot to do outside...I still cant do it.

Somehow it does get more bearable. I don't have any advise to share with you. I would just like to offer you my condolences.

[backyarder1]

Hi Orlando 1088. I don't know if this will help you or not. But my opinion is that since no one KNOWS what happens after we die, we all get to choose whatever belief gives us strength. I know that it is very difficult to try to control your thoughts at this time, but in my own experience, it is the only thing that gets me through it. So I CHOOSE to believe that there is a Heaven and that it is a wonderful place and that my loved one ...and yours....and all of ours... are up there, in a place that is full of love and lacking in any kind of physical or emotional pain. I know it is difficult. You don't have to have any religious upbringing. No one else's "truth" is right for you, anyway. Create a belief that brings you comfort and focus on it. Your husband wasn't really the physical body although I completely understand how unbearable the thought is of never seeing that person again or hearing their voice or their laugh. But focus on the love itself. The energy of that love doesn't ever have to die if you hold it in your heart. His love is still there, all around you, if you want it to be. It helps me to deal with the loss of my husband's physical presence if I focus on that.

[Alone]

My husband battled his cancer for 14 months so I am familiar with your journey and my heart goes out to you.

I joined a Christian based grief group that has helped as I was so very angry with God. I think this group helped because of the other participants more than anything. No one there judged or stared when I cried. They just understood and many gave me the hugs I so needed.

I also moved from my home and community just 2 1/2 months after losing my husband. That was a mistake on many levels but was necessary. Please take time with decisions if you can and seek good counsel when making large decisions.

I have also found that books help whether audio or hard copy. There are many good books out there but give yourself the freedom to toss aside any book that does not bring you comfort right now. There will be plenty of time to read books that challenge you.