How to deal with the crying times

[backyarder1]

I can go through my days, for the most part, without major tears. Then all of a sudden something will happen or someone will say something that just makes me sob and sob and sob.

I'm not really sure of the best way to handle this. Should I just let myself cry it out? Should I get a prescription for anti-depressants? I've been trying to avoid that. But when I am crying like that I just feel like my heart is breaking and will never recover.

[Tom]

You should cry and sob - and often and as long as you need and wherever you may be.

It is part of grieving for the loss of someone you loved. It's the physical manifestation of emotional pain.

I cry a lot.

[Karen.Lyn]

I agree with Tom. Cry when you need to. I still do, several times a day. It will end when we're ready. Our friends often say the wrongs things. Try to accept their comfort as it's intended.

[~ocean~]

Totally agree with Tom and Karen that we should cry as much as we need to. To me, tears are liquid pain that come from heartache and grief. I don't think of my grief as being depressed or feeling unhappy, as one friend said. I cry a lot, too. Hopefully, it helps to get some of the pain out and not keep it pent up inside.

Hope you are able to have a peaceful day. ocean x

[HeyJude]

Oh my gosh, I cried so hard, it was more like wailing. It came from deep inside me and I could feel my heart breaking. You have to let that out, in a way it is healing. I would cry like that in the shower so no one would hear me, or at

night when I went to bed. It almost feels like your soul is wretched. I can't explain it any other way. I was hurt to the core of my being.

I do know that each time I cried like that I let go of my husband a little bit more. It was something that I had to do. Today I cried, I don't think it ever stops but it gets less intense. It is important to allow yourself that.

[MissingDaniel]

Agreed. I still cry pretty much every day at some point. One day I felt bad because I really made my taxi driver uncomfortable. I got into a taxi to go home, and when I got in the car, the Elton John song "Daniel" was playing. Since the funeral, I have been completely unable to listen to that song. I asked him if he would mind turning the radio off, and he seemed puzzled. I asked him again, and he finally did, but by that time the tears were flowing. I tried to be quiet and unobtrusive about my crying, but I could tell he noticed it and didn't know what to say. It happens when it happens, and unless I'm in a situation like that when I'm around others who may not understand, I just let it out. It's important.

[Caremal]

I agree with all the posts here. CRY and CRY often. For me this was healing, I also felt like my heart was cracking and then one day it started to heal. Even though I lived alone I would cry in the bath room or the car was a good place. After almost 2 years I cry less and yet I still cry for the loss of my husband 32 years with him was a lifetime. However I think a year or 32 it don't matter how long it was we will always miss them. This being the holiday season it not easy for us who lost a chunk of our heart - hang in there when you walk through the pain the healing can begin.

[backyarder1]

Thanks to everyone for their responses. Its so nice to have this safe place to talk about stuff like this with.

[HeyJude]

Oh boy, I was hit hard last night. I don't know what triggered it or if something even did but I started to cry like I did 11 months ago. I think a lot of it has to do with Christmas coming and then the anniversary of my husbands death. Yep...I think that is it because as I wrote that my eyes welled up again. I don't know how to get through this. It hurts so bad. When I think back on the 34 years we shared it was definitely a lifetime. There is no way I could ever have another relationship mean as much as this one did. Is that being unfair? I mean, I don't even want to try. There is one gentleman who wants to take me out and I won't go, I just can't. Even though it is just for companionship. I have no idea how to be with someone else without my husband there and knowing that this gentleman wants more than just friendship. I hate this new life with a passion. I can't believe this is where I've ended up.

[needy]

backyard1, cry and keep on crying. The worse thing is holding it back. But if you have a time where you can't cry try closing your eyes and listen for 5 sounds, then 4 sounds, then 3 sounds (you get the picture) sometimes it tricks your brain to calm down. Please don't do this while driving, because that will be bad.

Judy it is ok to go out and have a good time. You are one strong lady I am sure you can spell out the rules to this gentleman if you go out.

[backyarder1]

Sometimes when I am crying, I just feel like I will drown in it. Like a huge wave of grief is hitting me and it would be so simple to just quit trying so hard to swim against that wave and LET it drown me.

[terri251]

I wish I could cry when I want to, but I can't. I had to return back to work, but sometimes it is so exhausting pretending everything is okay when it is not. People asking me how I am doing, and all I can say is ok because people don't really want to know, they are just being nice. I am so overwhelmed with sadness sometimes that it hurts. I cry mainly driving from work to home. I have had a couple of complete breakdowns with my daughter, but than I feel so guilty because she does not understand. I know people keep telling me with time things will get better, but it just feel like everything is getting worse. Everything reminds me of baby, and everything is a reminder that I am alone again.

I am not looking forward to Christmas, because I don't know how to handle waking up Christmas morning alone with my daughter without him being here with us. Just thinking about it makes me breakdown. I don't want to intrude on anyone else during the holidays, but I really don't know what to do. I just think about how hard it is going to be putting my daughter toys together, that is something he enjoyed doing and always looked forward to doing. This year I purchaesed things for our daughter that I know he wanted to buy her, just so I could feel like he is there, but I know he isn't and he can't be.

I keep going back and forth on whether or not to put up christmas decorations. I know he really wanted to decorate this year for our daughter, but my heart is not into celebrating the holidays. I honestly don't want to celebrate my bday either at the end of the year. I just want everything to go back the way they were and to find out this is all a terrible nightmare.

Sorry I am way off topic, just needed to vent a little.

[backyarder1]

Hi Terri. I understand. My grief seems to be getting worse, too, but I only hope that it means I am reaching some sort of peak and that eventually it will lessen again. As for decorating, I didn't think I could decorate the same way that Tom and I always did. So I bought a very inexpensive tree at a local store ($18.00) and decorated it with some things that belonged to my husband -- his fishing lures and other things. It didn't make me sad. But a lot of other things are making me sad lately. I'm not really sure why. I don't think it is the holidays, but it might be. If you haven't gone to any grief counselors, I can only tell you that they have helped me somewhat. Grief support groups could help, too. One of the most helpful things to me is talking to other people who have experienced the same thing and if you find some people in your area who know what you are going through, you might be able to share some of the Christmas activities together. I'm still hoping to meet some people like that to help me through. Here is a blog post I wrote today about my grief: http://betsyfranz.blogspot.com/2013/12/the-tsunami-of-grief.html

[Alone]

A friend emailed the following to me shortly after I lost my husband. It helps sometimes when I can't communicate how sad I am or how much I love my husband and how I will love him forever.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love." - Washington Irving

[backyarder1]

That is very beautiful, Alone.

[backyarder1]

It's so weird, but if I go through the entire day without crying, then I KNOW it is going to come at night before I fall asleep. It's like I am anticipating it and I don't know whether to dread it or welcome it.

[obakesan]

I cry when I need to, I don't force it, although sometimes I hold it back. Sometimes in a day something happens which I have come to learn will cause me to cry later in the evening.

Visiting friends is harder, as I have to control myself more.

My cry I g seems to be less frequent lately. Often I go a couple of days. Sometime ago I wrote this blog post about how I feel about it.

http://cjeastwd.blogspot.fi/2012/10/the-crying.html

I think its just an emotional responce to something we just have no experience with yet. Just like it is for babies

[backyarder1]

I have met many other widows since I lost my husband. No matter how long ago their lost their spouse, every single one of them tells me that they still cry from time to time about the loss.

[obakesan]

I have met many other widows since I lost my husband..

I think its true for widowers too, though I suspect we're in the minority.

[backyarder1]

I think it takes a lot of strength for a man to cry. I really love it when men allow me to cry and cry with me. Some of Tom's friends do that.

[Alone]

There are so many, many losses when you lose your life partner, your soul mate, not the least of which is the dream that you will grow old together. We lose the dreams regarding family, friends and adventures along that journey to old age. How can we not shed tears over those losses?

A very wise women told me that grief causes a hole in your heart that will never be healed, but new experiences will wrap around that hole and bring you peace. How can we not shed tears when we have a hole in our heart? I pray that each of us finds ways to balance the tears with smiles, that we find those positive experiences to wrap around the hole in our hearts, and that we find that peace.

For me, today I will shed tears.

[backyarder1]

I agree, Alone. I don't think this hole in my heart will ever heal. I lost my husband, my partner, my friend, the one who I nurtured and the one who nurtured me. He was my everything. My whole family. Plus, he was my future. And my past, because we had built our own home together that I am not living in.

I like the thought of new experiences wrapping around that hole. Not filling it in, but forming around it.

It is definitely sad to think that I will forever have a hole in my heart now, but my heart was so FULL of love for Tom when he was here. Just BURSTING with love. That is makes sense that the hole would be there now.

I think I will probably cry today, too. It seems like it is about every other day now, unless I focus on something that reminds me of him. And I don't think I took the time to cry yesterday.

Peace to you, today. And to me, too.

[backyarder1]

I haven't gone to church in years but I have been trying to find a new church since my Tom died. One of the ministers I heard the other day said this: "the greatest thing we can do for anyone who is suffering grief is just to be there while their hearts break. Our greatest gift is just our presence."

So many people ask what they can do for you and really, that's what you need. Someone to just BE there and allow you to grieve WITHOUT giving any advice or suggestions. Its very hard to find.

[backyarder1]

I just can't seem to quit crying today. I was fine all day yesterday. Had a really nice Christmas celebration with my sister's inlaws. Today everything is making me cry. I know its okay. There isn't really anyplace I have to be or anything I have to do. So I can just walk around crying and its okay. But holy crud, it is BAD!!!