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Well today my mother passed away


sheela

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it is the anniversary .. i thought so much about every little thing about her like i do constantly.. i remember before she passed i wanted her to sign up for home care hospice and she wasnt ready to yet bc she wanted to be with me longer if possible..

i didnt realize that and i got so mad and fruistrated with her... i am so ashamed of myself.. and then when she came in the room &  wanted to make up with me would i no not me i sat there like the piece of crap i am and sulked..

later when she was  to ill to fight with me  she went ahead and had me sign the papers for hospice to come at home..

 

so i did what i though she wanted me to do. and now shes gone for ever. i killed her i know i did. what if i had called a ambulance when she got so bad what then would she have went to the hospital and have gotten better ?  she said no more hospitals but did she really mean it ? i dont know now for sure now that i think it over...

i just feel like a murderer.. like i shouldnt be allowed to live now either...

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neveragain

My friend told me that its unheard of for someone to die from love. I hope he is right. Ive read some of your post and there is just no way your resonsible for anything but caring your best for her. If I was dieing, I would want the same as her, and be gratefull for having such a caring child, to allow me to be at home. Sorry for your loss. Neveragain.

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Sheela,

First, I'm sorry you're going through so much on the anniversary of your mom's death.  Now...you did not kill her.  You know you didn't.  If she was ill enough for hospice, there was certainly nothing you could have done that would have saved her.  In order to be placed on hospice a person has to qualify, right?  They do not sign up people who are healthy.  They would not have accepted her into hospice if she hadn't met the criteria, so you need to stop feeling like you pushed her into it.  They serve people who are at the end of their life.  It wasn't anything you did. 

It is normal to feel guilt, no matter what the situation.  When someone we love dies we spend so much time thinking about every little detail over and over again and we beat ourselves up thinking of everything we did or didn't do.  There comes a point though where we have to give in and give it up.  Beating yourself up over and over again will not change the outcome, but it will push you deeper and deeper into a hole.  Death is so out of our control.  But...we have to make a choice.  We can let it beat us, or we can decide that we will make our way through it and accept what we cannot change.  We cannot change that our loved one died, but we can begin to choose to change our thoughts about it.  When the negative, acusing, self-defeating thoughts come, you can choose to not believe them.  Deep down you must know you didn't do anything to kill your mom.  She would have died, regardless of what you did or didn't do.  Self-talk is a powerful tool and you can begin to choose to tell yourself that you did your best with what you knew in the midst of an awful situation.  If you truly feel you did something to hasten her death, well then you need to begin to work toward forgiving yourself.  Even if it's not true, if you believe it, it is truth to you.  Do you honestly think your mom would want you feeling this way?  I doubt it.  The last memories we have when someone is very ill are so hard to get rid of.  They haunt us, but again, you can begin to choose to put them aside when they come into your head.  It is not easy, but it is a choice.  Let this anniversary also be a turning point for you.  Let it be the day that you choose to begin to heal and leave those awful thoughts and the guilt behind.  The best thing we can do to honor those we have lost is to live our life in a way that would make them proud.

Hang in there.

DianeS 

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Hush, I'm sure you wanted the best option for her too.  Don't be too harsh on youself (yes, carry the blame if you want to, but you must also learn to detach from that blame and guilt).  I'm pretty positive your mum understands, after all there's no enemity between a daughter and her mother right? =)

Speaking about hospice, maybe I could share my experience a little.  My mum badly wanted to stay in this particular hospice (which i swear it's simply like an old folks home and the environment there is just so unplesant) which was near our house.  We had a hard time trying to persuade her out of this, despite her repeated refusal to patiently listen to us. We - me and my dad decided to make our own decision (continue to stay at the hospital) because she apparently wasn't in a 'right' state of mind to make a sound decision on her own.

We gave her the best we could, that's what you did too. =)

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