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Lost both parents at once.


janellga

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This time 3 weeks ago, my parents were about to arrive (from 40

minutes away) to watch my then 2 year old so I could take my 5 year

old to the dentist (my husband was originally suppose to take the 5

year old but he was working that day). They got here and had a great

visit with the 2 year old - even brought her an early birthday

present - it was 3 days before her birthday. A beautiful green and

white polka dot dress. I was gone for four hours with my 5 year old -

between the dentis, Michael's, the mall, etc.... Enjoying a good

mommy/daughter day, knowing full well my dad was probably standing on

his head ready to go home. He loved to come see the girls, but

didn't like to be gone from home for very long and was always ready

to go long before my mom was.

When I got back home from our 4 hour outing, my mom was so proud to

tell me how good my 2 year old had been. (She had NOT been good the

day before which is why I had asked them to come watch her, rather

than taking her with me to the dentist). My dad was sooooo proud

that he got two really good hugs from her (she had not yet warmed up

to my dad, even though he was CRAZY about her).

Sure enough, as soon as we got home, my dad started saying it was

time to go (it was 6:00 p.m.). My mom was taking pictures of the

kids with grandpa on the sofa. Then he walked to the car and she

told us all she loved us one at a time. I watched her walk out to

the car with my dad. She said she would see us on Monday because my

dad had two doctor's appointments that day. I stood at the front

door watching them get in the car, never imagining this would be the

last time I ever saw them.....

The next day, at about 8:30 p.m., my cell phone rang. It was my

sister wanting to know where Mama was. She sounded out of breath - I

didn't catch on though. I told her I didn't know where Mama was.

(She thought she was at my house baby sitting - didn't realize it was

the day before). She told me, "Mama and Daddy's house burned down.

And we don't know where they are."

I remember thinking for one brief minute, where will they live? Oh -

good, my uncle left his house to my mom when he died 6 years ago....

They can live there." But that thought didn't last long. When my

sister called me back later to say both my parents' vehicles were at

the house, I knew it was not good. They were not gone from home.

Even when she told me they had not found any bodies... I still

knew... Sure enough later that night she called to confirm, they had

found the two bodies in their bedroom.

Later, the fire was determined to be electrical and they had died of

smoke inhalation.

So I lost not only both my parents but the house I grew up in - all

in one night. 3 tragedies all at once. By far, the hardest is

losing my mom - we were soooooo close. I have often bragged that

unlike most mother/daughters I NEVER went through that phase where I

didn't get along with my mother. She was one of a kind. I could

tell you sooooo many stories about what a wonderful mother and

grandmother and friend she was. My dad was also a great guy - he had

sooo many friends - Everyone would have done anything for him.

The funniest thing about my dad is how OBSESSED he was with my kids.

Each day he would drive my mom crazy reciting my kids

schedules. "It's 8:00 a.m., she's getting out of bed;" "It's 8:30

she's on the way to school;" "It's 9:00 she's at school" "It's 3:00

she's getting off the bus" etc.... My mom told me a few weeks ago -

"I don't love them as much as he does. I love them an AWFUL lot,

but I do ocassionally think about something else during the day - but

he doesn't!"

I have one sister and 2 brothers (all older). They are all having a

hard time - I am probably more at peace than any of them - but I also

am having a hard time and probably always will.

Both my parents had been diagnosed with cancer this year - my mom had

been treated for early Breast Cancer and had just finished radiation

a few weeks prior. My dad had kidney cancer even though neither of

them would call it that - they were in denial. His situation was way

worse than my mom's. I dont' feel like he had long to live - and he

was scared. He was crying to my mom a few months ago saying he

didn't want to die and miss seeing the babies (my kids) grow up.

So I have a little comfort knowing it's better that if he was going

to die anyway - he didn't have to suffer physically and emotionally

knowing his time with the kids was running out. It is harder to

justify the loss of my mom. I do know it would have been hard for

her to lose my dad and she was such a pack rat - it would have killed

her knowing she lost EVERYTHING in her house!

So I wrote way more than I had planned. Thank you for reading this

if you made it through the whole thing.

I'm going to go take a bath now and finish the cry that I started at

the computer....

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connorsmom

I am so sorry for your indescribably difficult losses.  You have been through a great deal and just need to rest and heal. 

I'm just so sad for your family........how are your children doing???

Jess

 

 

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dear jenellga - firstly I am so sorry for your losses - In a way I also know how you are feeling.  I lost both my parents 1 year ago.  They lived within walking distance of me and we saw each other almost daily.  My Mum and I were particularly close and I always had a cuppa with her before I went to work and we shared weekends together going to markets and doll shows.  My Dad was an 'old' Navy man who saw War in Korea.  The day they died broke me into two.  I saw them at 8.30am - it was raining and they wanted to go to a doll museum 1 hrs drive away.  I told them not to go and go when it was not raining.  I was not to know that it was the last time I was to see them alive. At 1.00pm that day a knock on the door by two policemen was to change mine (and my familys) life forever.  They told me that there had been an accident in the rain  - My father caused the accident. My father was killed instantly (thrown through the back window of the car and had massive injuries) My Mum had a broken neck and massive head and other injuries) She was revived at the scene of the accident and taken to a local hospital - they in inturn flew her to another hospital to check the injuries. She was on life support from the time of the accident.  I recall vividly the shock, panic, disbelief, numbness etc that occurred.  My only sibling, an older sister and I went to the hospital (4 hrs drive) to see her.  The hospital was merely keeping her alive so we could say goodbye.  I still feel deeply guilty at having to agree to turn off her life support (albeit I know in my heart it was the kindest thing I could do for her) Like your parents, mine also had some health issues.  Dad had had cancer of the neck and was clear but always unwell.  Mum didnt know that she had a large tumour - this was found out later, I guess that she didnt know she was on borrowed time.  Days drift by and although its only just gone one year.  I know that it has been a very tough journey for me - for the first three months I was a basket case needing medical intervention.  This site has been very helpful with many responding to my postings.  Having lost two loved ones at once has left me with many mixed emotions - do I grieve today for Dad or Mum, Should I be happy that they are both together, Have I been robbed of time with them? - My sister is very different to me and we have become very estranged over the situation.  I havent spoken to her for close to one year.  My husband and two adult children are very supportive and I have a lovely grief counsellor who has got me through many a tough days session.  One thing I have learnt is that grief is very personal.  Our reactions are all different and no-one should be judgemental of them.  You can go through many emotions in one hour, one day or over days and months.  Your pain never leaves you - you find a way to start living and remembering them in a positive way.  My symbol for my parents is a rainbow - "never miss a rainbow because you are looking down" Every time I see a rainbow I think of them... I have read the book by Alison Dubois - We are their heaven - this has been helpful and has given me some peace.  - I sincerely hope that your journey throughout this time is supported by the people who love you.  Be kind to yourself and let your grief take its fold.  If you would like to email me personally I would be pleased to help out

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Jess and Gayle, thank you both for your responses.  The day I posted this was a very rough day - maybe because I spent time reflecting and thinking about it more thank  I had since the first few days.  I also emailed to an adult orphans message group that same day - so I was emotionally drained. 

Jess, my kids are doing great.  The 3 year old is not affected at all.  My 6 year old is reacting just fine - I was most worried about her, of course.  She is so sensitive and intuitive.  She understands that we won't see them again and I heard her tell someone the other day that her grandpa died, so I know she understands what I told her but she has not asked what happened.  If she does I will just say that it is too sad to talk about - she will not want to talk about it.  That is how she has answered me when she's had a bad dream some time.

Gayle - wow, you do have a pretty good idea of how I feel.  Our stories are so similar in many ways - including the cancers.  I am so sorry for what you went through.  There is a very small percentage of us I am sure that lose both parents in one day.

And I am sorry that you have not drawn closer to your sister.  In my case, I have drawn instantly close to my sister again - we had drifted WAY apart - but it changed LITERALLY over night.  One of my brothers, the one I was NEVER close to - it's weird all of a sudden I'm feeling more of a closeness to him - when we see each other he always wants to hug and tell me he loves me (and I do the same)- which we NEVER did before.  Now my oldest brother - it will be harder to get close to him because he and I are COMPLETE opposites. He is actually not the kind of person I want my kids to be raised around.  But I do love his son, who is the closest in age to my oldest daughter so I will make the effort because of him.

Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me your story.  I am sure that I will email you privately sometime. I should be packing right now to get ready to go on vacation.  Leaving tomorrow a.m. to go to Disney World.  We were just there in March and I can vividly recall my parents calling to ask how the girls were enjoying it - I remember missing a call on the shuttle and having to call them back and telling them in great detail.  I am both blessed and cursed with a great memory.  So I know I will think of them when I am there and realize sadly that they will not be able to enjoy the details of the girls excitement this time...

Thank you again for your responses.  I am glad this place is here - though I wish NONE of us needed it!

 

 

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