So tired and lost right now

[terri251]

My fiance passed away two weeks ago today. I woke up one day went to work and went home to find out he was taken to the hospital in a amubulance. By the time I made it to the hospital they were preparing him for surgery. He had bleeding in the brain, eventually found out he had a brain tumor that exploded in his head which caused a massive stroke. After a few days of praying and hoping he was declared brain dead. My heart is broken into so many pieces. I honestly don't know what to do. We a 19 month old little girl who will never know her father. He loved her so much, she was his best friend. He was the love of my life, I don't understand why this happened. Why do everyone else get to have their happy ever after, and one week after I buy my wedding dress, my love is taken from me.

I am trying so hard to be strong, but I'm not. I can barely wake up in the morning and get to work. I have been a horrible mother, leaving my daughter with my cousin at night so that I can go home and cry. I don't want my daughter to have to deal with my mental breakdowns, but she needs her mother also.

I don't know how to do this, everything reminds me of him, and everything that I have lost with him dying. Some mornings I can barely breathe with the amount of pain I feel. Most days I wish that I had been the one to die, because I don't know how to deal with this pain. It is so overwhelming and intense. People look at me and keep telling me how great I am handling things, but in reality I am a basketcase. I go to work and put on a happy face, smile and laugh but that takes so much effort. I do it mainly because I have to have income coming in to suppport myself and my daughter, but it is exhausting. All I want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry but that is not good for me or my daughter.

I just want to know, how do you do this, how does life continues when the person I planned to share my life with is gone, along with all of our plans, and dreams. How do I become the mother my daughter needs and deserves, I just don't understand none of this. I know life is not fair, but why does it have to be so cruel.

[tnwulf0513]

I am so sorry for your loss. It isn't easy, in fact it is the hardest thing you will probably ever do in your life. You just have to take it one step at a time, one hour at a time. Focus on your daughter, she needs you and will help distract you a little. And come back here, this site has helped me. Read through some of the other posts, it WILL be helpful. This is a very caring, compassionet community.

[Caremal]

Please accept my heart felt sympathy as I know what it is like to have a loss as well. I got past the hardest times by using this site. read the older forums also spend time in the chat often someone is there to listen to you . One step at a time and you will make it.

[needy]

Hello Terri so sorry for your loss. You are not going crazy, you are grieving and don't feel guilty about it. If your cousin can take care of your daughter let her. To be able to take care of her you first have to take care of yourself. Treat yourself kindly. Sending you a big hug.

[boop21]

I feel for you, so much. I also lost my fiance this week. Please cherish your daughter. If you need help from anybody, let them help. You are not a terrible mother. I wish I had been able to have children with my fiance. You can tell your daughter about yours as she grows up. I know it's hard. This is so fresh for me. Anyway, just cherish her and remember the good times with him.