Almost been 2months since I've lost my dad

[dottie92]

Hello everyone,

Just found this website today and I love it so far! So I wanna give you guys some background on my story and I obviously came here for advice and help others with my situation too.

Let me just say this, My dad was my bestfriend, a great father who taught me so much we had a incredible bond that no one could break, we had a good trusting relationship. I learned to be honest with him all the time, which was helpful especially when your a teenager growing up wanting to do teenage things haha.. I could tell him everything and he would help me out in some way, never got mad just said take it as a learning lesson. He pushed me to thrive in school and pursue an education.

Okay, My dad was amazing hard-working man, My mom and him got divorced when I was 12ish but rekindled a friendship 6 years later, which was wonderful. My dad was diagnosed with cancer sometime back in early 2012. The type of cancer was aggressive and stage 4 from an unknown origin but started in his lymph nodes in his neck. Well anyways He started chemo and radiation very soon. Long story short, july 1 2013 he was admitted to the hospital due to complications from chemo and stuff by this time he had already done so much chemo, radiation and two surgeries. Well anyways he stayed in the hospital until the day he died. For awhile in the beginning he was getting more strength but, went down hill quickly due to the cancer spreading in his lungs, ribs, back and neck again. He losted his strength. Well the day before he died they called us around 2 and said he wasn't doing well and his breathing rate had slowed down, so my mother and I rushed there to meet my uncle and aunt, well he was talking before then and then they put him on this machine he was on a mechanical ventilator and it was breathing for him basically. It was all very hard to watch but I wasn't upset at the time because I was just trying to enjoy the time we had. On the day before his death, I walked in the room after being in the hospital all day long and was saying my goodbyes to him, I sat their for 20 mins talking to him. He couldn't respond because of the machine but he held my hand tightly. I told him he could go if he needed to, that he was in too much pain. (We are all christians so I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but I am going to bring this up.) I read out Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 because that was his favorite. He mumbled it back to me and I just knew in my heart that was the last time I would see my dad alive. (We always had like telepathy type experiences together, like he knew when I was in trouble without even knowing for sure or I would do the same.) The very next day he passed, it took me atleast a week to comprehend that he wasn't here anymore. I had saved voicemails from him that I keep resaving even though they are now on my computer. I am thankful to have those because I know not everyone gets that chance and it's about 22 voicemails haha. Anyways after I finally realized he was gone I still felt in shock like maybe he was at the hospital and we just hadn't talked or he was going to call me soon. It was extremely hard for me to deal with that. I was extremely close to my dad. He understood me and made me the person I am today. Don't get me wrong I love my mom but she's more nurturing. So it's been almost two months and I am still struggling and I've already lost my grandpa September 6,2011 (two days before my bday) then my Stepdad to cirrhosis of the liver on August 28,2012 then my dad September 29, 2013. All very close to my birthday which is September 8th. But my dad's death was so different and the emotions I feel are stronger and I was close to all three people but I guess it's just the daddy daughter relationship, it's different. So since he's passed I've had bad days, easy days but every single day I think of him, every single day.. And I've had horrible feedback from people who think they know it all, I'm sure we have all experience it. People will say, "Time heals all wounds." "He's no longer suffering now." It's like okay I understand that but, we are selfish down here and can't help but miss that person and the timing thing is crap to me. I feel like it's gotten hard with time not easier. I feel like I'm going to be this way for the rest of my life and I hate it. I would give anything to have him back. It's just hard dealing with this pain, because I'm on 21 years old and I am at the time in my life where I am growing into an adult and making future choices and he would always guide me with it. I hate doing certain things that we did together now, like he loved computer he was so smart with them, I mean extremely smart and now I don't have someone to share all the cool new technology stuff with and it feels weird. I can't even part with his stuff year, his cellphone is still on and I don't have the strength yet to turn it off. It hurts me so much knowing my dad won't be there when I have children, get married or graduate college. It saddens me but the most amazing thing that my dad in advance was he insisted my boyfriend come see him in the hospital in the beginning of him being there and they never told me what they talked about. Well finally my boyfriend his name is chris by the way told me what my dad said that day.. I'll summarize it. "Please do me a favor, Chris.. Look after Darcy and her mother because I know I'm dying and I won't be here to keep them bother protected or help them when they need a man to help with something.. Please especially take care of my little girl, she's my world and If she's happy, I'm happy.. I hope you two will get married one day because you make my daughter so happy.. But if you don't please just check in on them for me atleast because that would me happy.." My dad said all this 3 months before he passed and before he got real bad.. It's like my dad knew Chris wouldn't say that to me until things settled after his death and he was so right.

One last thing to add is one of my dearest friends to me started drifting when my dad got worse, she had just entered a relationship with this guy and was spending all her free time with him. Well the day he died she didn't even show up to see me or nothing, and I had another friend who was there for me the whole time and working full time and going to to school full time and I saw her basically the whole week after my dad passed. Well anyways back to the distant friend.. she kept saying she was so busy and I mean I understand but she didn't really try. She didn't attend the memorial and the reception because of work... it just didn't make sense ot me. Basically she was attached to her boyfriends hip.. but anyways I tried to set up a day to sit down and talk with her about my how I felt and she didn't want too. She said she felt guilty and didn't think we needed to talk about it because it wouldn't resolve anything, which is so not true. Well now we aren't as close at all and it sucks and I don't know what to do or what to say to her. I want to tell her how I feel but she doesn't want to sit down so I might do it over the phone. In the beginning I couldn't tell her how I felt because I wanted to chew her out (anger from my dads death)

Thanks for listening and please leave a comment. I love feedback

(I uplodead a picture of my dad and I)

[ModKonnie]

Dottie92, I am very sorry about your loss of your dad (and your grandfather and stepfather). I wished I would have saved messages from my father. Sometimes, I sit really still and try to hear him speak. (I know, that may sound a bit crazy, but it helps in some strange way). Friends (or alleged friends) often show their true colors during emergencies and crises. I don't blame you for wanting to tell her how much she hurt you--perhaps she will open her eyes and learn from her mistake, or it may end your friendship. Either way, you have nothing to lose and much to gain. We will be here--ModKonnie