How others respond and why do I care so much?

[Buttercup32]

I so appreciate that this forum exists and I am so so sorry to everyone on here who is going through a loss and feel such grief.

I lost my mother, very suddenly and unexpectedly, to a heart attack 13 days ago. While she was older in years, as many have pointed out, she was a very vital and youthful 81. She had not experienced health problems and had just started to seem to slow down, but took care of herself by going to bed early. What she did not do, as she absolutely resisted doing, was going to a doctor for a checkup. She collapsed in her kitchen after driving my father around for a few errands, as he had stopped driving and now uses a walker. All eyes have been on him, who has been the one with the health issues and of course he has been in and out of physical rehab and seen doctors frequently for his problems. He is on many medications, has enjoyed a great deal of attention and assistance for himself from anyone around him, always has asked that people take his photo... the needy one. She was not on any medication, as she knew nothing to be wrong. She asked me to get her some Pepto-Bysmol a few days before this happened and had been feeling nauseous. That's it. She was our small family's rock and joy. And she is suddenly irreversibly gone.

The reason I am writing is that one of the things I am struggling with is the distancing of my friends from me. The immediate comfort I received was from her three best friends in the few days following her death. They spoke like mothers to me. Although, being her peers in age, they immediately reminded me what a gift she was given by getting to leave so early and suffer no physical ailments. That had given me something to lean on to feel better, but it's not actually solace from losing the best friend in your life who I called at the drop of a hat and who drenched me in response and laughter and sunshine and appreciation whenever I was with her. But these friends few phone calls, almost two weeks ago, have been the only ones that have been of any support. My actual friends - the people who I feel like I have confided in and who confide in me and share everyday concerns with, have not reached out to me and never call me. Even when I text something asking if they are busy and saying I would love to talk, they don't respond until much later, apologize and then don't call.

I have just one sister in law. She appeared sincerely love and appreciate my mother as long as she knew her. She has not called me once, since this happened. Another woman who is very close to my husband and recently bonded with my mother and goes out of her way for other people has also never called me or sent condolences at all.

My husband, who my mother thought of as a son and who had a special relationship and knew my husband since he was twenty and his own mother died, noticed me sitting down in my mother's house and when I spoke of some wish to have every day and hour straight of the calendar documented for the days I had last seen my mom, told me it would be better "not to wallow". Then he gets mad at me for making him feel like he was insensitive. He actually gets mad and loud, so I have to feel sorry that I didn't just accept that "wallow" was what I was doing, even though I have not been doing that, but have been working to help my dad and deal with this shock every single day since October 28.

But the regular friend that I had been corresponding with about our normal daily lives who doesn't contact me now at all is really hurting me. She sent a brief hurried email days later and said she was sorry she was being a "bad friend" so I of course told her I completely understand and remember feeling awkward when one of my friend's mothers had died. But I also told her I would still love to hear anything she would write and welcome what she considers "mundane" topics. I have texted her how hard this is and asked if we could talk if she wasn't busy. But no emails and no calls come. It's just bizarre how friends can disappear and the people who knew your loved one so well and who your loved one had showered with attention, you suddenly just start doubting as having ever been sincere.

I JUST DON"T UNDERSTAND. There are a million other things I don't understand right now - about how to be motivated to keep doing the things that I did and loved to do for my mother's eyes. Even if they were for me - they were for my mother's eyes.

But these people - how can I make them stop bothering me or even continue to like them? I feel like they could care less about me or my mother. It feels like they are so self centered. I'm sure they don't want to feel what I am feeling or come near it. But wow - when it happens to you, watching and feeling the retreat is another surprise that I had not anticipated.

Has anyone else experienced this?

[widower2]

Yes, many of us have. In fact, one of the most surprising and frankly disgusting things I learned (sometimes the hard way) was how common such attitudes and idiocies are. What I would try to take away from this is usually people's intent is good. They're just ignorant and have no clue how stupid/offensive/hurtful some of the things they say are.

More specifically:

they immediately reminded me what a gift she was given by getting to leave so early and suffer no physical

Example #1. People hope they can say something "uplifting," not realizing how stupid this comes off. Her leaving is a gift? What kind of sick "gift" is that supposed to be?

My actual friends - the people who I feel like I have confided in and who confide in me and share everyday concerns with, have not reached out to me and never call me. Even when I text something asking if they are busy and saying I would love to talk, they don't respond until much later, apologize and then don't call.

I have just one sister in law. She appeared sincerely love and appreciate my mother as long as she knew her. She has not called me once, since this happened. Another woman who is very close to my husband and recently bonded with my mother and goes out of her way for other people has also never called me or sent condolences at all.

Inexcusable, I'm sorry. But - and I know this sounds dumb and I'm sure not trying to excuse them - don't assume it's personal, as IMO it's probably not, because, again, this is really common. People are just "freaked out" about someone passing on and in fact are so uncomfortable about it, they pull this kind of insensitive thing.

My husband, who my mother thought of as a son and who had a special relationship and knew my husband since he was twenty and his own mother died, noticed me sitting down in my mother's house and when I spoke of some wish to have every day and hour straight of the calendar documented for the days I had last seen my mom, told me it would be better "not to wallow". Then he gets mad at me for making him feel like he was insensitive. He actually gets mad and loud, so I have to feel sorry that I didn't just accept that "wallow" was what I was doing, even though I have not been doing that, but have been working to help my dad and deal with this shock every single day since October 28.

Wow. Friends or in-laws are bad enough, but your SPOUSE? He WAS insensitive, and insanely so. I would ripped him a new one. And then has the gall to get mad at YOU for not putting up with such grossly insensitive BS?? He is in desperate need of a clue. Please, DON'T put up with this! Everyone mourns in their own way and for him to try and impose HIS idea of how you "should" act is insensitive and stupid in the extreme. Good Lord this JUST happened, it's not like it's 5 yrs later. And again of ALL people, this from the one person who is supposed to be there for you? I'm sorry but I don't even know the guy and want to shove him into a wall. I would point him to a grief counselor or at least a web site (you'll find any of them that discuss this will say the same).

But the regular friend that I had been corresponding with about our normal daily lives who doesn't contact me now at all is really hurting me. She sent a brief hurried email days later and said she was sorry she was being a "bad friend" so I of course told her I completely understand and remember feeling awkward when one of my friend's mothers had died. But I also told her I would still love to hear anything she would write and welcome what she considers "mundane" topics. I have texted her how hard this is and asked if we could talk if she wasn't busy. But no emails and no calls come.

I'm sorry. Inexcusable......and IMO even this pales to your husband's attitude.

It's just bizarre how friends can disappear and the people who knew your loved one so well and who your loved one had showered with attention, you suddenly just start doubting as having ever been sincere.

It is. And not to excuse them, but you would be amazed how common this is.

But these people - how can I make them stop bothering me or even continue to like them? I feel like they could care less about me or my mother. It feels like they are so self centered. I'm sure they don't want to feel what I am feeling or come near it. But wow - when it happens to you, watching and feeling the retreat is another surprise that I had not anticipated.

Sorry not following - who's "bothering you," as it seems much of the problem is them staying away? As for your feelings to them in general, give it time......you needs lots, and are likely to more easily get angered in the aftermath of all this.

I guess this is my long-winded way of saying keep in mind two unfortunate truths about many people in a time like this:

- they don't keep in touch like they should

- they say really dumb (but well meant) things

Bottom line: They just don't get it. I don't say that to excuse them, but to ask you try to keep in perspective that it doesn't necessarily mean they are "bad" people or don't care either. People just generally are bad at this, it seems. I hope this situation improves, esp with your husband. That one is not common, I don't think, and truly he is in very bad need of getting a clue about handling this and about being there for you. I wish you the best and hope this site can help, even if just to vent......

[Buttercup32]

widower2, Wow - thanks for this wonderful and great supportive response. Thanks for really reading what I said!

Just to clarify that confusing part, "bothering" I referred to meant the behavior of the friends that bothers me. I feel like I shouldn't let it bother me and I actually don't want it to, because these are the people I have had as friends up until two weeks ago. The people who emailed or texted and planned coffee dates regularly. They share the interests of the rest of my life. It felt like they cared about me - you know, the way your friends make you feel. So it's kind of a feeling now that I was misled into thinking that or too stupid about my choice of friends. But you would have never known, because they seem like very compassionate caring people about all the rest of the things that go on in the world. It just seems like they could even say something stupid and it would be better than the silence. The silly or inappropriate comments you referred to, which I took as very well meaning and decided even helped me, fortunately, were made by the people I don't even know. My mother's good friends. It's the silence that is coming from my own friends.

I hear what you are saying and will hope to reconcile how I feel as each day passes and they don't call or bother to ask or stay away for fear I may remind them of something unpleasant that they don't want to feel. How convenient that they can feel they are letting me have my privacy. Or that they feel they just aren't worthy or good with this type of thing to "say the right thing," therefore don't want to make it hard for me. Grrr... yep - and I guess I wrote the post because I DON'T want to be feeling angry, but can't help it. I love that you have offered this anger, which i feel makes complete sense, validation. I really really appreciate this. As for my well-meaning husband - well, he isn't that good with vocabulary. He just doesn't understand that "wallow" has a negative connotation. He never has been great at witnessing emotional break downs. But thank goodness he makes up for it by showing love in his efforts to do what ever anybody needs. He's better at taking action on things and not much one to spend time sharing reflection. But that's just how we're different. Thanks for your comment as per that complaint of mine, too.

I will definitely remind myself that these friends and relatives who were most immediately close to me and who are the ones who are seeming to withold what I thought would be traditional sympathy (they could send a nice impersonal card, at least!) - I will probably forgive them and act like nothing is wrong when they do eventually contact me and don't mention my mother. But frankly, I am ready to look around for a few more spiritually and sensitively aware souls who are a bit less unable to get that death is as profoundly interesting as life and that a conversation with a friend who feels it first hand is not a waste of time or just all about being depressed. You would think that even I pet's death would have brought them to some insight into this fact.

Thank you again. Yes, I do appreciate this site!

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for your loss buttercup. My mom left us a couple of months ago and I can relate to what you are saying about friends and not feeling they are very supportive. Gratefully I got a fair amount of phone calls, emails and visits after my mom passed on but sadly a few good long term friends didn't phone or stop by. I did receive a card of condolence from a couple of them but I was sad that I didn't get a short phone call. I've come to this way of thinking about it ... until we lose a loved one, we have no clue the magnitude of sorrow over this kind of loss. I always thought that I was being a good friend in sending a card to a friend with a little note expressing something personal about their loved one. BUT in the future, I am going to make a point to stop by and hug whoever goes through the loss of a loved one and they are getting a big hug. A month later they will get a phone call to get together for coffee. It took the passing of my mom to realize that a card is thoughtful and nice but a good friend rates at the very least, a phone call but more importantly a visit.

[Vivi]

Hi Buttercup32, I know exactly what you are going through. My friends have abandoned me also. My husband can not understand how I am feeling. He never had a close relationship with either of his parents. His mother is 95 and still doing well. My mom was like Betty White,still working at 90 yrs and full of life. She was a breast cancer survivor for almost 20yrs. We found that she had colon cancer & she went for regular colonoscopy checks. The cancer had spread to her back & then to the brain. She was gone in a matter of months. She was my rock & my best friend. I am having a very hard time going on without her. I feel all alone. I really have no one to talk to. People will tell me that she had a good long life, & that I should be happy that she is pain free & in a better place now. Nothing annoys me more than that. That is very easy for them to say, for it has not happened to them as of yet. So, as you can see, I am feeling the same way as you are. I am sorry that I can not be of more help to you! I did attend a grieving session,but did not find it helpful for me. Have you ever tried going to one of these groups? You might find that it will be helpful for you. Take care!

[oneal1228]

Absolutely I have experienced this. I often wonder if I have any true friends after my loss. It is quite revealing, isn't it? And quite hurtful. Lifechanging.