Jump to content

Putting down my baggage


cmissingj

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I want to let go of these things. I want to leave them here. I don't want to carry them anymore.

-the view from the back of an ambulance

-the dread of an MRI

-the smell of infection

-the look on a doctor’s face when he has bad news to tell

-the sight of someone sitting on his chest performing CPR as he rolled past me in the hall

-cleaning bodily fluids from my hands and clothes

-the sound of alarms—ventilator, pulse ox, heart rate monitor

-the panic of seeing an ambulance drive by with its lights and sirens on, wondering if it was on its way to our house

-begging for scraps from the insurance company

-the sight of him in pain, in fear, in distress, soiled, stitched, helpless

-the memory of reviving him, bringing him back to life, alone, more than once

-living in fear, everyday

-the weight of responsibility…

... to keep him well

…to keep him alive

…to keep it together every minute of the day

-the guilt …

…for not doing better with the house, the bills

…for not being a better mom to our daughter

…for escaping sometimes for a short time out of the house

…for being frustrated with him sometimes when I couldn’t understand what he wanted

…for lying about things, like our finances, because I was trying to make it easier for him

…for sometime wondering if things would be better (for us, for him) if he died

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

cmissingj...this is a good place to leave your baggage. I can identify with a lot of what you left here. I had many of the same issues. Hope this helped to lighten your load so you can go forward. MJ

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
susanbruce

Question - for some reason these past few days I have been remembering arguements that Bruce and I had.

I was always the verbal one when we argued - he would just take what I dished out. We always made up and sometimes laughed over my drama plus the last 10 years or so of our marriage, the arguements were fewer and fewer.

Now I feel guilty, terribly guilty about those arguements. I feel like I should have said more to apologize, to let him know I didn't mean the things that I said. Why after 2  years am I know thinking so much about this?

It's really dragging me down right now.  Anyone have any suggestions or comments for me?

Thanks - Susan

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

hello susan, i would sugest writing a letter to your husband..tell him how you are feeling , tell him you are sorry..i have the same thoughts and feeling sometimes 4 years later..i still write letters, sometimes i read them out load so she can hear me..after the tears have dried up i feel alot better..don't be hard on yourself, your husband is with you, he will allways be with you..my relationship had a lot of ups and downs, but we allways new that we loved eachother, that part was true..i hope that this will help you susan...doug

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Susan I to still remember some the arguments that we had. The last one was in July before ha passed in October. It was really bad I was so ready to leave that day but I didn't which was a good thing because I had to have him taken to the hospital that night.

We had our ups and downs but we loved each other with all our hearts. A friend of mine told me she thought with that last fight it might have been his way of trying to make me leave so I wasn't there when he passed I am not sure but I am so glade I stayed. those last 3 months were so meaning ful for me I would not have traded them for anything.

But I do still tell him everyday that I am sorry for every stupid thing that I did while we were together and that I love him still.

Not sure if it helps but it seems to make my day go a little better.

Lela

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Susan, I went through menopause while Ishaq and I were together and the emotional ups and downs could make me be a real bitch to him sometimes.  I would feel so awful later and would tell him I was so sorry for being a demon woman, because that's how I felt, like I was possessed by my hormones!  He would smile and say he'd lived with "demon woman" before, and I wasn't her. 

I am grateful that for the last six months we were together I had these words from a friend - her husband had died suddenly and she told me "appreciate your man while you have him because you never know when he might be gone" and everytime we had a tiff I'd think of her words.  I even remember getting annoyed with him at an outdoor concert just three days before he passed over, and then thinking of her words and realizing that the important thing was he and I were together.

I've felt bad about those tmes before though, and I've written to him.  My journaling is basically letters to Ishaq, and they do help a lot.  And I believe he can hear me.

Blessings,

Anna

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I can remember arguments etc., too. I think they're just part of married life and I know if I had died first I would not Rod to agonize over bad times and have regrets so I'm trying not to either. Journaling has helped a lot with that even just writing I'm sorry over and over on a page. I really think our loves are in a place where they can understand all the stupid human moments.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I once got a fortune cookie that said something to the effect of "If a couple never argues, one of them is not necessary." All couples argue. Please join me in the spirit of my original post and let's let go of all the guilt...

C

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
susanbruce

Thanks for all the suggestions on how to deal with past arguements and guilt. It all made perfect sense and was exactly what I needed to hear. 

I truly wish I didn't have to say this because I would rather not be here but since I am in this situation, it is truly a comfort knowing that there are people out there that know exactly how it is going thru this hell and can help one another thru our bad days.

Does that make sense?

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

Susan

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

That's the best thing about this place...finding out you're not alone with your thoughts and emotions. Someone else can always idenitify.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I have something that I too would like to let go of...

My wife asked me to lay down with her in her hospital bed in our living room just a few hours before she died. Worried about little space on the bed and bumping into her healing broken leg, I told her we'd do it tomorrow. I was tired, it was late, so I gave her a big hug and a kiss goodnight. I still find it hard to cope with my guilt of not taking the time to lay down next to her one last time. How stupid I was. I miss her so much.

Jeff

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

You know she wouldn't want you to carry that guilt around. I can look back and find something to regret every day if I want to. That is not going to help. We were assuming that our loved ones were going to live, we can't be sorry for that...

C

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.