Practical Matters

[Annie_Alone]

Yesterday, I got a call from the funeral home that the copies of the death certificate are ready. I asked to have them mailed to me because I couldn't face driving up there again.

It was a rough day after that - one step forward, two steps back, I guess.

I wanted to ask - are there any hints or tips for going through this process of closing out someone's life? I have a list from the funeral home, but I've never done this before (and hope never to do this ever again). Is there anything I need to know? Is there anything that might help smooth this process? Is there anything you wish you would have known?

I am not looking forward to doing this - it feels like I'll be wiping him off the face of the earth for everyone but me, but I know it needs to be done.

[MissingDaniel]

Yes, I remember that phone call. I was back at work when it came, and when I hung up, I cried most of the rest of the day. I've gotten another call from the funeral home since, months later, about releasing the death certificate to the Dept of Education to close out a student loan. Again, I was a wreck afterwards.

I wish I had some great words of wisdom. I would say get help if you can with some of the details that someone else can handle. Take it one step at a time and don't overwhelm yourself. Give yourself time to feel whatever you feel as you go. And try not to look at it as wiping him away. You are taking care of things for your own peace of mind, as he would want you to. Nothing can wipe him away as long as he lives for you! Hugs to you - it is so hard.....

[tnwulf0513]

I know. That is exactly how I feel about Shari.. erasing her from every database.. hospital, doctor, bank, magazine subscriptions, It does feel like you are erasing them from everywhere except you.

I suppose a "good" thing is that every time you fax/mail a copy of the death certificate to a medical provider the bill goes away. But it doesn't make it any easier.

The one tip I have is when you get them go over it closely and make sure it is all correct. The funeral home in my case actually misspelled her fathers name so I had to take it back and get a correction done.

The funeral home didn't give me any "list", I have been just taking care of things as they come up. Which may be a good thing. If I had been given a "list" ....

My heart goes out to you. You will have good days and bad days .. just take it one day at a time .. or one hour at a time if you have to.. and come back anytime you need to talk about something. Check out the "chat", people on mostly later in the evening. You will find it is lighthearted for the most part but if you need to talk about something in particular they will listen.. as a group ... or you can chat individually with someone if you like. We are/or have been exactly where you are now and are able to relate. Take care of yourself !

[HeyJude]

I had that same feeling when I finally got around to cleaning out drawers and his side of the closet. There were days that I could only fold up maybe 5 shirts before I would collapse in tears, feeling like I was erasing him out of my life.

Medical bills will go away if you send a Death Certificate?? I wish I had known that because I have had to pay out a lot on bills.

I took things as they came up. There was really no need to take him off credit cards etc so I have been very slow about that. It makes my heart hurt so bad when I look at his dresser, there are a few things I've kept, and his bookshelf with all his beloved books. They are useless to me, I don't read repair manuals and How To stuff. I guess one of these days I'm going to have to box all that up too and take it to Faith Mission but there is no rush. Doing his cloths was the hardest, it cut so damn deep. Some things still had his scent on them and it just about killed me.

There is no list for this kind of stuff. You just do it when your ready I suppose.

[OldGeek]

I had a list in the booklet I got from the funeral home, but it was so basic I don't think it helped that much. I started a list of things that needed to be done and updated it until I had completed each task. I had the dining room table covered for 4 months and finally organized those enough to put them aside without worrying that I was forgetting something (putting aside meant moving the stacks to the chairs on the far side of the table). I still have a few minor issues to wrap up, but I am on hold for those right now.

As far as unpaid bills, I think that is a state-by-state issue, but my lawyer explained to me that I did not personally owe those bills, Linda's estate did, and if there were no probate opened then those creditors were just out of luck unless they wanted to go to the expense of petitioning the court to open a probate case and if there were then any assets available. In my state it is not necessary to open a probate case if all assets are held in common as long as there is no will. Really need to get personal legal advice however.

I was very fortunate to have some initial help with Linda's clothes, a friend took all of those out of the master bedroom closet and her drawers and put them in totes in the garage for me too deal with later. Having those out of my immediate site for a few months was a huge help, and later I found I could deal with them without falling apart. The lesson I learned there is to try to be that kind of friend when this happens to my friends or family sometime in the future.

[widower2]

Medical bills will go away if you send a Death Certificate?? I wish I had known that because I have had to pay out a lot on bills.

I confess I don't get that one either. Maybe we need to move to your state, tn. Never heard of medical bills "going away" (unfortunately!).

As for a list, if you search the 'net you can find such stuff. Here's an example (don't intimidated by the "101" part, you can browse thru this pretty quickly - and in fact 84-101 shouldn't even be on there as they are N/A to a loss, although they are good general advice): http://riacentral.co...ftermath-death/

AA, it is perhaps the hardest of hard times dealing w/this, but you can do it. Step at a time, and get whatever help you can.

[Annie_Alone]

Thanks for all the information and the link to the list - there were some things on there I hadn't thought of yet. As far as clothing, I was able to do his closet because he hasn't worn those things in a long time (I have 4 huge bags to get to Value Village), but I'll wait on his dresser and his other personal stuff. It's not going anywhere, and I'm not really in a hurry.

The certificates didn't show today, so it'll probably be tomorrow. Fortunately I'll be working from home so I can fall apart in private.