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Broken Girl

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Hi, I'm new to this and don't know quite how it works. I suppose letting you know why I'm here is a good place to start. I lost my mum in February 2012 and I still haven't dealt with things and my life is going downhill. My mum started a job in a new building at the start of August 2011 and was walking to work one day instead of taking transport which she would previously have done to go to the old building. When she was walking to work was she was breathless and in pain so headed home and phoned a doctor. She got an appointment for around a week later and the doctor said it was just a chest infection gave her antibiotics and sent her on her way. Over a week passed and the tablets had finished so she contacted the doctor again. She was told at the second appointment that it was actually pneumonia she had and she received the treatment for this and returned to work once she felt up to it. However she had tightening's in her chest and didn't last the day before being taken to hospital. After being in hospital for a few days she was discharged and apparently healthy. A few days later she was back in and they ran tests and discovered the reason she had been feeling the way she had was because her lungs were filling with fluid. She was in hospital for a few weeks while they drained the fluid and tried to get her fit and healthy again. Once the fluid was drained they sent my mum for scans and discovered that she had a tumour in her lung. She started chemotherapy and other treatments to try and shrink the tumour and she just started to disappear as a person, she was losing weight rapidly, lost her hair, either in hospital or wrapped up at home, always tired and down and just not herself but she was determined to beat it. As time went on we believed that she was getting better and the treatment had worked, after several treatments it was the Christmas period and she was to go back for her results of the chemo at the end of January. the end of January came and the appointment was delayed. On the night of Monday the 6th of February, I came home from work at 11pm and she was sitting unable to breath begging me and my dad to cut her throat so she could breathe. We phoned an ambulance and my dad went with her while I stayed at home as my little brother was asleep. After around an hour (seemed like a lifetime) my dad phoned and told me and my brother to head to the hospital. When my mum had arrived at the hospital they ran tests and did scans and discovered that her lungs had filed with fluid again an the cancer had spread everywhere. By the time we got to the hospital my mum was still in the accident and emergency and on oxygen. She was barely conscious and it was destroying to see. She was always the life and soul off everything and here she was lying there unable to see us there. She passed away in the early hours of 7th February with me my brother and my dad at her side. After losing my mum I couldn't cope I didn't want to burden anyone with how I was feeling and the only people I could speak to was my dad, my brother, my boyfriend and my nannie (my mums mum) I pushed everyone else away I didn't eat I didn't sleep until my boyfriend got to the point he had to force me to. Exactly two weeks after my mum passed away my nannie passed, she died of old age and a broken heart. I had no female relatives to turn to and no close friends to confide in. Weeks past and my brother and my dad seemed to distance from me. My younger brother turned to alcohol as a way of dealing with thing and became a nightmare to live with. While I was home trying to keep things from falling apart my dad was out constantly and not there to support us. I came home one night to a random woman sitting in my mums chair in my mums house and she made both me and my boyfriend feel uncomfortable. I knew straight away something was going on and I couldn't deal with it. I spoke to my dad who denied everything and I told him to choose that either to see her somewhere else and be there for us or I was leaving. He made his choice and as I had nowhere to go I moved in with my boyfriend and his family. I haven't spoken to my dad since. My time staying with my boyfriend wasn't an easy time either I had to move towns and jobs and it was upheaval after heartbreak but my boyfriend was always there supporting me 100%. The stress of being at university, working part time, living with the in laws and dealing with my grief I just got to the point I was lost and needed space I couldn't deal with anymore stress as I was heading for a breakdown. I managed to get my own flat after months and months of looking and I wasn't looking to be too far from my boyfriend as he was my rock, he was happy with the flat I accepted and was glad I was nearby. While moving into my own place I was gong through my final exams for my degree and again stress was a key issue. Being out on my own, exams and moving took their toll and my education suffered. I missed my degree by 5% and have to redo third year before I can continue into my honours year. So after putting my grieving to the back of my head and throwing myself into being busy to keep me going I hit a wall and I fell hard. Everything came crashing down around me, my boyfriend who has been the only one there for me dumped me last week and I actually had to phone a helpline because I was ready for taking my own life. I don't feel like I have anything left to live for. I now don't have anyone to listen to how I feel or speak to about things. I've been depressed since my mum passed but doctors refused to treat me because I was only 20 and wouldn't give me anything to help. All I had was my boyfriend. I still struggle to sleep because I feel so guilty like its my fault everything has happened to me, I mean I must have? I have had days I've been dragged out of bed when I was too scared to face the world and then I have days I feel I could do anything. The constant ups and downs in my life was apparently too much for my long term boyfriend to deal with and that's why he ended it. I jut need to speak to someone, anyone. anyone that's been in a similar position and feel like their world has just ended. I feel like I've lost so much and I cant deal with it anymore. if anyone has taken the time to read the car crash that is my life, thank you. Hope I hear from someone.

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Hello Broken Girl, I know exactly how you feel. I am older but loss is loss. My advice to you is don't give up or give in. I don't know if you believe in God, if you do then God will carry you through this. He will give you strength when you are too weak to keep going. We think our personal situations are the worst, more so than anyone else. Believe me it is Not. To uplift you there are other people going through some things much worst than you. I am one of them. What I do is pray, pray, pray, cry, cry, cry, talk to my Momma who I lost on 9 October 2011. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I was in school trying to care for my Momma. It was challenging but I graduated and my Momma was there with me December 2010. Those who I believed was my family accused me of killing my Momma, turned against me and doing everything they can think to do to try and kill, still, and destroy me. But I believe in God because if I didn't I would be dead, in a mental institution, or in prison. But because of my Faith in God I'm still here. Hang in there Broken Girl and I will keep you in my prayers. It's not over until God says it is. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and be Blessed with the results. I would love to keep in contact with you. If there is anything I can do other than pray for you then tell me. I have a heart full of love to share.

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