Members Annie_Alone Posted October 5, 2013 Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2013 Tomorrow morning at 5:30am Pacific time, it will be one full week since I lost the love of my life. When people ask me how I'm doing, I want to say that I'm mostly functionally numb with periodic episodes of utter devastation containing inconsolable crying jags. Sounds like a weather report, doesn't it? Instead I just say that I'm hanging in there because no one really wants to hear that the world as I knew it has ended, or that I had half of myself amputated without the benefit of anesthetic. They won't understand the silence, the alone-ness, the aimlessness, the painful emptiness where my heart used to be, and I'm not sure I could adequately explain it.For the last year during the radiation, the chemo, the endless doctor visits, it always was, "How's Mike?" Now, people are finally getting around to asking how I'm doing and I feel like telling them it's too late to be asking me that but I say I'm hanging in there. I guess hanging in there is true in a way, especially if I add the word "barely" to the beginning.I feel like I'm losing my mind. My thoughts are scattered, and frequently they blow away like dried leaves before I can catch hold of them. I want to curl up in a ball and never move, but the dogs need tending, the yard needs mowing, and I need food for when I force myself to eat. I feel like I have to force myself to do everything.I know this phase will pass in its own time, but I guess I need people who do understand what this is like, where I don't have to answer that I'm hanging in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Posted October 5, 2013 Guests Report Share Posted October 5, 2013 Hello Annie, I do understand where you are. You will find many here that do as well. That numbness can be most annoying, especially when it interferes with thought processes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nora999 Posted October 5, 2013 Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2013 Only a week. I'm so sorry you lost Mike. My husband was also Michael and it's been eight weeks for me. We were very in love and losing him has been unbearable. I felt/feel like I've been catapulted into an alternate universe. Alternate reality; like the twilight zone. It's inexplicable pain and people who have not endured it simply cannot understand or fathom it. People here have been through it; we hear you and understand. I for one am glad you reached out in this forum. That took courage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Silvergirl61 Posted October 5, 2013 Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2013 You're right, we don't expect you to say you're hanging in there. I'm sorry to hear of your loss, and hope you will find some peace here, and some people who will offer you support when you need it.The weather report is an appropriate description...this is, in many ways, a storm you have to face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Annie_Alone Posted October 6, 2013 Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2013 Thank you all so much for your responses. It helps immensely to be understood, especially when it is so new and raw.Nora - you are right, it almost feels like I'm in an alternative universe, like this should not be real. Only it is....I've been trying to keep myself busy during the numb/semi-productive times. So many things around the house slipped through the cracks during this past year of caregiving, chemo, radiation, hospitalizations, and Dr. appointments. At least the tasks keep me moving and not sitting there crying constantly.I found myself the other day at the grocery store, scanning the faces of older women who were shopping alone, wondering if they have been there and understood this pain. I avoided couples as much as possible - I just couldn't look at them. I think I did pretty well until the cashier said to have a nice day and I darn near lost it. Made it to the car and cried all the way home because I wasn't having a nice day and probably wouldn't be having one in the near future.Thank you all for being there.~Annie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members needy Posted October 6, 2013 Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2013 My deepest sympathy to you Annie. I totally understand where you are right now, the mental fog and the emotional roller coaster ride, from sorrow to anger and back again with a side order of numbness and pain. Yes you are going to have to force yourself to do things, but it is also very important to take care of yourself. I remember people here telling me the same thing, and honestly at the time I did not understand their words. It is drinking and eating, and taking long baths anything to comfort yourself. It is going out for a short walks. If people ask if there is anything they can do for you, accept their help. Get them to cut the grass, do groceries anything to give yourself time to grieve. Big hugs to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nora999 Posted October 6, 2013 Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2013 I couldn't go shopping by myself that soon after. I couldn't even go outside by myself. It's the trauma. We are nothing short of traumatized. Remember that and feel whatever you want accordingly. Yell, scream, cry ... Whatever. You're entitled. So am I. We all are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members catz Posted October 6, 2013 Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2013 im sorry to hear of your loss Annie. "hanging" is a pretty apt description actually. I can remember when this was all fresh and i couldnt breathe. It really did feel like the life was being crushed out of me. That doesnt happen so much now, but its place has been taken by other things. Unfortunately, its a long hard road youre on with the rest of us, and often, just when you think youve got a handle on things, this process of grieving will throw you totally, and youll feel that youre right back at square one. its incredibly hard, and i still struggle every day to come up with a reason to carry on, but i guess sheer bloody mindedness has its benefits cos it keeps me going a lot of the time. I guess we keep going cos we have to....cos there isnt really a choice in the matter, but hopefully you can take comfort in the fact that it IS possible to survive this and come out the other side. Please feel free to post here as often as you need to, to get stuff off your chest or just to have some company. And as needy has said, take care to look after yourself. Your body needs care too....people think of grief as an emotional thing rather than physical, but those of us who are IN grief all know it takes a toll on your body too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Annie_Alone Posted October 7, 2013 Members Report Share Posted October 7, 2013 It's good to hear that it is possible to come out of the other side. I kind of know that in a way, but to hear it definitely helps some. I just know it's going to be a long bumpy road and I would give anything not to have to be on this road right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissingDaniel Posted October 7, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted October 7, 2013 I'm so sorry for your loss, Annie. I can barely remember how I felt so soon after, but I guess mostly numb. It's a terrible path for anyone to be facing and I am sorry that you are there now. Just be kind to yourself and know that at least the rawness will wear off and you will learn to cope. Blessings to you.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Austykatie Posted October 9, 2013 Members Report Share Posted October 9, 2013 I am very sorry for your loss. I remember being only a week out from Jims accident, it can be a very hard time! Don't rush yourself and try and take care of you! Please come here for support it is a great place! Hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnwulf0513 Posted October 10, 2013 Members Report Share Posted October 10, 2013 Hi Annie .. I lost my wife on the same day you lost your husband.. my heart goes out to you. And I understand exactly, exactly what you are going through. After a month things are a little better but the waves of loss, loneliness, and guilt still come sometimes. I am a little more focused but the disconnection from reality still happens sometimes. Just take it one step at a time.. one hour, day at a time ... you/we can make it through this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Annie_Alone Posted October 10, 2013 Members Report Share Posted October 10, 2013 I can't even begin to tell you all how much hearing from people who understand what this is like means to me. It's like a voice of sanity (I know, that sounds weird) telling me that I'm not losing my mind - what I'm going through is normal for this horrible kind of loss.Yesterday I picked up Mike's cremains - he was able to approve the urn/box before he died, and it's beautiful. I find it oddly comforting to have it here at home. I had pictured myself bursting into tears every time I looked at it, but that's not happening. It just seems somehow - right. It is also proof that the awful cancer that took him from me is now destroyed, every cell reduced to ash so it can't hurt him any more. Strange thought, but it comforts me, so I'll go with it.The "weather report" hasn't changed much, but I think the periods of utter devastation are slightly fewer than they were. The numb continues, and I find myself writing everything down that I need to remember, because in five minutes I'll forget what I was doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissingDaniel Posted October 11, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted October 11, 2013 Good for you, Annie! You have more perspective than I think I had at this point, but as you will often hear, everyone is different. Writing things down is smart! As you have gathered, you are far from crazy, but this is a very difficult road, and you have to realize that and act accordingly. May you continue to find peace from his presence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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