Broken

[John]

My son is dead, my wife is as well, they were taken from me, unfairly, in a car accident. I sit in a hospital ward watching my little girl, broken, in unimaginable pain, misery fills her beautiful brown eyes. She couldn't speak but i could see her searching for her mum, I had to tell her she had died, i had to tell her her baby brother had died. The social worker told me I had to be sure that she understood, I had to ask her and tell her again the next day. My life is over. I am broken. I will never be the person I was, he is now a stranger to me. Nothing will ever be able to fill the void that has been left. I don't want to feel anything but pain, loss, suffering, sadness. I still have my two girls that I must care for, but I don't know how I will be able to offer them a good life. The image of what happened to my babies haunts me, the thought of the pain inflicted on my baby boy drives me insane, i can see him being crushed, his bones sticking out of his little legs, his head crushed, he was revived, his spleen was removed to stop the internal bleeding so they could rush him to get his head operated on, they scanned his head, they sat me in a little room and told me there was nothing that could be done, they told me his brain was so swollen that if they opened his skull it would ooze out. I still don't know what injuries my wife died from.You will never understand my pain, you cannot. I have had my share of loss in my life, I know pain and grief, I lost my Mum to cancer when I was 18 and my sister to the same killer when I was 32, we were close, I loved them both very much, but losing them, that pain, doesn't even come close to what has happened now. I wasn't broken then, I was still the same person. I just want my family back. Everything reminds me of my little boy, everything. I feel guilty because I think of my son more then my wife. I loved her completely, I felt as though we were two parts of the same person, there was nothing her smile could not fix, that is all I needed to see to know everything was ok. I still go to txt or ring her, to let her know what has happened with Felicity during the day.

[Jeff's Mom]

John, I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss. I could not begin to imagine the pain that you are enduring. Please try not to feel guilty about how you feel. As a parent we always feel that it is our responsibility to protect our children from life's hurts and dangers. The reality is that try as we do...we are only human and strive to do our best...but many times bad things happen that we have absolutely no control over. Please keep posting if you feel that it would help to talk about the loss and pain. We are here for you. Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

John, i am so sorry for your loss of your wife and son....I have breathed a prayer for your incredible pain and also for healing of your sweet daughter....

[Josh's_sister]

John,

My heart is aching for you right now. Over the last two years, I lost both of my brothers, and I am overcome with this feeling that even that loss brings me no closer to knowing how you feel right now. Just please know that there is a spirit of love and unity that flows through all of us the world over. When one of us is feeling broken, we all have just a little more love, energy, support to send out. That will sustain us all. Please, when the time comes, ask anyone, everyone for help. You are not alone, and you never have to be alone. I already know that you know your little girls need you and through the strength of others, you will build a life for them. Be gentle with yourself.

~Vanessa

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

John,

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the loss you're dealing with and caring for your daughter. Just know you've found a place full of compassion and please continue to share anything that you want or need. I am saying a prayer for you and your little girl.

Shannon

[DeeDee624]

John, I am so very sorry and my heart just breaks for you. No one should have to deal with this kind of pain and I wish I could say something to comfort you but there truly are no words. Please keep posting and know that we are all willing listeners and grieve with you. Share whatever is in your heart -- there is no wrong way to grieve. And you should never feel guilty for any thoughts you are having. It's obvious you loved your wife and son and it's ok to miss one more than the other at any given time. I hope Felicity gets better and that you will find the strength you need by looking at your daughters and knowing that they need you now more than ever. I hope there is someone to take care of you too. Please know as grievers we feel your pain and are here for you. Please take care of yourself!

[John]

Thank you all for you kind words and thoughts, Felicuty has improved and was quite talkative today which got my mind off the loss of my little buddy and his mum. However as she has now fallen asleep and I sit here alone watching her all my pain and grief comes back.

I look at as meny photos as I can bring my self to look at before I can't take it anymore. I sit and try to work out how I could ever feel normal again, the problem I can't get my head around is that as painfull as my suffering is I don't actually want it to leave, I don't want to fell better...in my mind its like the love that I have for them is directly linked to the amount of pain that I have knowing that I will never hold them in my arms again.

[MissingB]

John -

I'm so sorry for your loss and the extreme pain that comes with it. My whole heart aches for you. What I have found is that you need to allow yourself to feel what you feel at any given time. I remember the dazed and floundering feelings in the beginning. Know that whatever you are feeling is as normal as it can be.

This is a "safe" place where you will find compassion and understanding. Sometimes I just read other peoples posts and it helps me to cope. Sometimes I post. There is such kindness and understanding here. Whatever helps you, is what you need to do.

Jill

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.... the problem I can't get my head around is that as painfull as my suffering is I don't actually want it to leave, I don't want to fell better...in my mind its like the love that I have for them is directly linked to the amount of pain that I have knowing that I will never hold them in my arms again.

This is a very common feeling in grief....as much as we loved someone...that love is equally matched by the deep pain of loss...these are necessary steps in your grieving...this is your mourning time, so be kind to yourself and allowing yourself this space to grieve....

Embrace your sorrow for there your soul will grow ~ Carl Jung

[Julia's Mom]

John, my heart also goes out to you and the deep pain you are experiencing for the loss of your wife and son. Everything you wrote makes absolute sense. Your love and your grief are intertwined.

I remember how it is a very confusing time. Be patient with yourself.

Your loss is so huge, and all of the thoughts and feelings will take time to sort through. You have the added need to take care of your daughter right now.

I will be thinking of you, as I know others are too.