How do i breath ?

[Mommysangelisabella]

My daughter was born into heaven 6 days ago an hour after her father decided he couldnt handle it and left me. I cnt breath !

[dsmurph]

Hugs....

[Mommysangelisabella]

I just went in for a normal apt. My old doctor had open her own clinic . So i was seeing someone new. i had brought my 3 year old son with me with the thoughts of hving a special afternoon just him and i at the park. My son is very loving but as i look back to this day alittle over a week ago his words haunt me. He had been to many of my apt. But this day as soon as we entered the room he asked me if i was ok . I reassured him and we waited. This new doctor was over an hour late as my son played his d.s. He continued to stop and ask how i was. Finally the doctor arrived. She starts by saying according to my ultrasound my daughter was reading only 18weeks and 4 days on my 20week visit. Wich i thought odd because i had had a previous ultrasound over two weeks before that that was reading 17 weeks and some odd days but the doc said she wasnt concerned . They dnt get concerned untill babies fall behind 2weeks. So she pulls out the Doppler so we can hear my baby isabellas heart beat. Wich she couldnt find. But i wasnt worried she had always been the type to hide from that thing. So out came the ultrasound machine . Wich of course i never minded. but today as i feel my 3 year old had already known some how was like no other day. Its the day we all know. The day you hear your child has died. I was told she has no heartbeat im sorry. I started to shake . I tried to gold it together i was alone just me and my 3 year old. The doc. Went to get another doc. To be sure . I pick up my phone i needed someone with me and someone to take my son. I thought he cant be here, he cnt see me like this. But my phone wouldnt work. Kaiser has somethinf bulit into their bulidings that blocks cell use. But my mind wont work i just keep trying as the new doc. Comes and runs the machine over my stomach and says im sorry shes gone. I realize im crying as it feels they hv no concern im alone and my phone dosent work they want me to lie there while they keep looking finally i say i need someone ive got ro get my phone working. Finally they let me up and this doctor says oh you can use my phone but then i want to look some more. I call my mom ( she lives 4 blocks away) all i can say is isabella is dead i need you im located .... . ... I hang i call isabellas dad and hang up. As im sitting in the office my 3 year old in his stroller playing games ,worried over mommy praying they get here fast the doctor begings your daughter has been gone for some time . I want to look agen because i belive its been about 4 weeks wich i cnt rap my head around 3 weeks ago i gad an apt. I saw her myself wiggling around heart beating and i know shes been kicking me . Even last night as i laid in bed she kicked me hard in my side. Finally my mom arrived and the new horror began . This doctor starts insisting i hv a dne ( late term abortion) i belive in pro choice but for me in my faith i can not and to make it worse even though i pay for this great insurance this doctor was insisting to the point i had no other choice but to go to plan parenthood because kaiser dosent handle theses cases. I was even more distraught with the thought id never get to see her face and trying to rap my head around the images of in mind seeing her being torn into peices as they removed her from me. I am 7and a half months along at this time. I am moved to the hosptail with this doctor as she runs blood work saying she dosent even know if plan prarenthood would except me (im high risk) hving had 3 csections prior . My lil sister ( who has gone threw this horror) and my dad arrive . the doc changed her toon i then had options i could give birth to her but it carried a 12% risk wich she felt was to high. But that was it. I was told to go to a kaiser in a near by town and they would take care of me. So as my older sister went to pick up my 2 boys from school 9 and 6 i went home to meet them and pack for every one . My big sis agreeded to keep my boys. As they get home and see everyone they were excited thinking we were hving a party. I pulled tnem into my room and told them their baby sister had gone to heaven to be an angel god needed. They handled as kids do and i was off to the hosptail with my daughter father in tow but he wasnt acting right ( i find out latter hes decided druggs are the best way to handle this ) he cnt stay awake im trying to talk to him about our daughter threwout this night about how because of her age and my heart we hv to burry her . I keep waking him. The last time i did he says dnt bother i cnt remember what you just said. My dad runs him to the store wich he explains is for cigs. But picks up a bottle while there. Once the new doc ( wich i need to stop and say i was blessed with the best care ever recived once i got to the new hosptail, the new doc was shocked about what happend but put on her professional face and said well i cnt say for sure but that doc prob thought it was best.) I was told it could be up to 3 days before i deliver as we go over the plan . She explains after my daughter comes i could end up needed a dnc to clean things up beacause of my scaring wich she then explains worse case scenarios wich included alot but my tnoughts to this horror was the other doc. Wanted to send me to an

[Mommysangelisabella]

:jOut patient clinic where if these things happend i would hv died before help arrived . I send everyone home including my duaghters,to high father and the docs gave me something to sleep. Im awaken the next morning by a phone call from my sister who says my daughters father is there abit more aware but not remembering most of the day before and hes every mad because i sent him home and i also didnt included him in any decisions of our daughter. I explained what had happend to my sister who wasnt able to come bacause she was with my boys. Latter on after two epidurals and 24 hours of labor my family goes to dinner and my daughters father arives as im strapped to the bed he goes off on me verbally telling me how horrible i am how maf he was at me and how this was his daughter alone. I tx my mom and told her i needed thema.s a.p. Ad he left the room . I still held the thought ok im still gonna let him in here this is his only chance to see our daughter i just dnt want to be alone with him. My parents arive my daughters father walks up to mine and says what i didnt do anything . My dad has away about him that could make the devil himself run with just a look so my dad gave him this look and only said are you ##### serious twice my daughters fathers mom steps in and threatins to throw my dad out .i guess this was when my daughters father decided to leave although no one knew he left his stuff there. As this was going on i went from 1c and being told oh tomarrow to fully dilated with my bag of water hanging out . I wasnt sure i wanted my daughters father there but my thoughts were this is his only chance to see her. I called the rest of my famiy and had them come right away but being over a town apart i was afraid they wouldnt make it my heart was gone i needed my lil sis who had veed threw it with me so the doc says ok there is no hurry wr can wait ad long ad your not in pain . My mind and body once given permission sucked het back in the doctor says she had never sern that before i held her in there untill my sisters arrived 25 mins latter but my daughters father wad no where to be found finally the doc says its time your starting to hurt i broke i said no i cnt. She cnt be born this cnt be over i cnt loose her i was crying so hard . I was told to push ( wich this is my first batural birth,my 3 others were all csection) i pushed her entire body came out at once still floting inside her bag of water and breach ( agen the doc says ive never seen that before ) ok push one more time and it broke the seal at the placenta . She was here . They took her to the warmer to weigh her and clean her up . My mom and sister says how beautiful she is i wait as the doc is w my angle i feel a contraction i ask um how soon after the baby is born does the placents come im hving a contraction it was less than 5 mins they feared due to scaring it wouldnt come out or not all of it. But it did . They then bring my isabella born into heaven to me placed her in my arms and ad i looked at her i hear my mom and sister one agen say how perfect she is but all i can think is no shes not shes dead . Her mouth hung open and all i could think was she should be breathing . As her skin on her head moved a unnaturally

[Mommysangelisabella]

Because of something called highdrop(fluid under the skin due to death in the womb) i just couldnt hold her any long i was told i couldnt hury her but i felt every time she moved i was gonna rip her skin off . So i placed her right in front of me and watched her. The day before i had decided i needed to share her even if its the breif moment i hv with her . I was told anyone was allowed in and i could keep het all night if i want . Wich all night was to much for me. But i had given each family member the choice the day before she was born to see her and time to think it over . My mom 3 sisters ,dad and neice 18 came in. Another neice was there 17 unsure if she wanted to come in she mom took a pic and she decided not to. Wich i felt at her young age i wad shocked to hear earlier that day she wanted to but i was afraid for her . But i thought her mom knows her best if shes ok with it ok . My daughter was supose to be the first girl born alive to our family in 17 years my neice took isabella on as her own saying this is my baby spending her own money on things for her. In the end my neice came in my daughter was covered except her face as i had het for everyone. My neice more distraught than anyone else but the youngest was plastered to the door near me. I asked as i did everyone if she wanted to see all over her she started shaking her head,yncontrolably no as she began to cry. I looked at her and said

[Mommysangelisabella]

Its ok you can go its ok my words released her and she was gone. Let me stop here and back up as soon as my isabella was born my brother inlaw called isabellas father and was able to reach him. He was told she was here he replyed im at home. I didnt know if he was comming so i held her for four hours as we waited for him. he never came. My angel was born at 7:59pm she weighed 1p 4ounces and was 11 inches long on sept 24,2013 i said my good byes to her sept 25,2013 at 12am some time. once the fatigue set in on my mom dad sister and i . I knew in my heart and mind i couldnt sleep with her there it was time. Shortly after the death paperwork came . Something i once agen never dreamed of doing for my daughter i couldnt think they wanted so much info but i couldnt think they wanted her fathets birthdate i couldnt remember . I was told it had to be right i called him no answer i tx no answer then i finally remember. The nxt day my sis sent me pics of my daughter tastful ones of her feet . I sent it to her father i tx i hv more if you want them he replyed simply yes i never heard from him agen. I was released thr fallowing afternoon i went home my sister dropped off my boys and we were left alone. The fallowing morn. It was back to routine for my boys school after school activitys to rush them to and then two days latter due to circumstances outside of anyones control i helpped my parents move their two story 4 bed house for three days . Alot of people backed out icluding my lil sis and her boyfriend. Wich left my dad my big sis her husbanf my two neices my 9 year old and myself. they had lost their house becausr after devoting ovet 25 years to a factory they closed and my dad was laid off . He is working now but st a job s third of what,he had made. So now the past two days ive had time to finally sit feel and start to heal . Each day i break each day i cnt breath . Each time i see her bed her hair bow anything i just cnt breath. Or just at any moment i cnt breath . I go from planning her life with a fiancee to planning her death alone. My family although is here for me is to bussy in their own on going lifes. So how do i do this ? How do i just breath let alone try and move on