Lost. Please help!

[Tayte]

Hi,

I really do not know how to think or feel or where to start.

I just want to know if anyone has ever dealt with a situation like this?

I had a child hood friend that last year by accident got pregnant. I had only just got in touch with her again and found she was living in a women's refuge. So I took her and bub in. She then became the girl I remember growing up with. Such a child. She would constantly tell me she didn't want bub. I don't want to go into much detail but was not a fit mum. So while she got her freedom I took bub in for 6 months. I got so attached and so so in love with him.. I wished he was mine. He showed me a completely different part of my heart that I didn't know I had.

At the beginning of August. His mother and I had a massive fight and I was trying so so hard to let child services aware of how she was with him.

We parted our ways and she moved out. It killed me to let him go. Such a beautiful little boy. But I wasn't his biological mum. I had no ground to step on and child services did nothing but had an interview with her. I didn't tell them so I could have I told them to help him. To make sure while I wasn't there to be with him he got the looking after and play and love he deserved.

In august 2013. Only a week or two in her care.. I was told of his passing. I am so full of guilt and heart ache. I have been having troubles sleeping. I am broken.

The hardest thing is I know he wasn't my child but I loved him like a son. I will never get to know what happened. All I think is if I had of fought for him more and took care of him more he wouldn't be gone.

I am so lost. I look for chat rooms for baby loss but they are all for parents. My mum said to me I was the closest thing to a mother he had for his 7 month of life. All you had to do was look at us and you could see the bond.

I just want to know if I am stupid for feeling this way. Or if it is even okay to feel this way as I wasn't his mum.

Please help.

[tnwulf0513]

I would say no you are not "stupid" for feeling the way you do. And it is ok to feel this way just because you were not his biological mother doesn't mean that you don't love him as if he were. The pain and loss is the same. Try and lose the guilt. Sounds to me like you tried to intervene and get him into a safe place, but there is only so much you can do. My heart goes out to you