Having a really rough time after losing my dad

[gaylelynne]

Hello. I'm Gayle and this is my first time to post. I lost my dad at the beginning of this month and am not doing so well. One minute I'll be ok, then the next I'm a crying mess. I'm worried that I may fall into a depression. I don't want this post to be long but I don't know how to keep it short.

My mother died 12 yrs ago unexpectedly and I didn't deal with it well at all. She was only 56. She had emphysema and had been in and out of the hospital for a couple of years, but she always got better. The day I left to do my two-week annual military training, she was supposed to go home. She went to the ICU instead. She died the last day of my training. It took me 10 years, months of counseling, and anti-depressants for me to get to the point where I could think about her without crying.

My dad and I had a difficult relationship. We were both very stubborn people and didn't seem to have much in common. When we would talk on the phone, I always ended up crying. He moved a couple of hours away but would come back to visit my sister and brother. I'd never find out he was in town until after he'd already gone back home. A couple of months would go by before I realized that we hadn't talked in a while, so I'd call him and we'd talk a few minutes. I started getting angry with him about not letting me know he was in town, as well as him not calling me. I decided that I wouldn't call him again until he made an effort to call me first. At one point, we probably went 6 mos without talking before I finally gave in and called him.

At Thanksgiving dinner 6 yrs ago, he told my brother, sister, and me that he was getting married and moving to South Carolina. (We live in Oklahoma.) My brother and sister already knew he had been talking to his high school sweetheart for a while, but this was the first I even knew of her. I immediately started crying. The next few years he continued to not call me and I continued to be mad about it. I felt like I'd lost both my parents the day my mom died. It was when I started feeling like that that I got really depressed and all the grief that I'd never dealt with came back with a vengeance. I ended up on meds and in counseling to get past it.

Anyway, the last couple of years I decided that Dad was never going to change so if I wanted to have a relationship with him at all I needed to suck it up and start calling him. I took my kids to SC for a week two years ago and we had a good time. We still didn't talk about anything having to do with feelings, though.

At the end of August, my dad's wife called to say that Dad's liver had shut down and he was in a coma. I packed the kids up the next day and we drove to SC to see him. The doctors were able to give him some medication that brought him out of his coma and he seemed to be getting stronger. When I left to go home on Labor Day, I was sure that he'd make a full recovery. The next day he passed away. He was only 66.

I've been an emotional wreck since then. I'll have moments when I'm strong and am glad that my mom and dad are together again, and I know that I'm going to be ok. Then all of the sudden I'll remember something that will knock my feet out from under me. I've had a headache every day since the funeral. I always expected my parents to live into their 70's and 80's. I think about how my children don't have their grandparents anymore. My older kids were only 1 and 2 when my mom died, and they didn't spend much time with my dad. My youngest wasn't even born until a year after my mom was gone. I think about the huge family holidays that we used to have, and now it's just me and my kids because my brother is married to a woman who has no interest in our family and my sister moved to Wisconsin. Even though I'm 42, I feel like an orphan. There's no one close that I can talk to. I've tried to talk to my boyfriend about it but he doesn't understand at all. I feel completely alone.

[ModKonnie]

Gaylelynn, I am so sorry about your losses and your struggles. Many people feel like an "orphan" after they lose both parents, so it's "normal" to feel that way. Have you been to the doctor about your headaches? Even if they are from stress, you probably need to get it checked out. Does walking or exercising help at all? Have you talked to your siblings at all about missing the big family gatherings? They may feel the same way but are reacting differently than you. Talking about your losses and your feelings here may help you process all of this. We can be here for you. --ModKonnie

[Carlo]

Gayle,

>>I feel completely alone.

Lost my Dad three years ago and Mom a year before that. If you're still reading and posting, perhaps we can talk.

Carlo