Sharon (Shari) Ford 1/10/1957 - 8/28/2013

[tnwulf0513]

My name is Dave. I am hoping that finding this forum will be helpful .. Just realized a few minutes ago that I am starting this post exactly one month from the date my love left me. Down to the hour it happened. There will probably be those of you who will not believe that something like this could happen to someone. I want to write a book about our relationship, but I will keep it brief. We met in 1998, married in 2000. We were in inseparable, joined at the hip so to speak. Even worked at the same store for 7 years until her back condition forced her to quit and go on disability. The only time we spent apart was 2 days when I had to go to Wyoming for my fathers funeral. It was the second marriage for both of us and we were incredibly happy together. Now for what happened:

JULY 27th: I came home from work and found Shari semi-conscious took her to the ER. Diagnosed with pneumonia. Her health had been declining somewhat over the last 2 years. I had taken early retirement in order to be able to take care of her and spend more time with her.

AUG 1st: Discharged from hospital. She seemed to be much better.

AUG 11th: Lightning strikes our apt building and it burns. We lose everything. Fortunately my sweetie and convinced me about a year earlier that we needed renters insurance. So there will be some money to start over. Our insurance co finds a hotel for us to stay in while we look for a new place to live. Shari had been bugging me for a couple of years because she wanted to live in a "duplex"

AUG 21st: Shari had developed a severe dry cough so I took her back to the ER. Doctor looked her over, gave her some more antibiotics and cough syrup. The cough subsided somewhat and again she seemed to be getting better.

AUG 25th: We found a really cute duplex.

AUG 26th: Went shopping for furniture and appliances. Shari was delighted, could pick out anything she wanted. We talked a lot that day about colors and what kind of things we were going to get for new apt. Went over with her daughter and cleaned and prepared to move in.

AUG 27th: More cleaning, planning and waiting for furniture delivery. However, Shari wasn't feeling well and asked me to take her back to the hotel before the furniture arrived. Furniture delivery about 8pm.

AUG 28th 6:45am: Washer/dryer was to be delivered between 7am and 11am. Kissed her goodbye .. she was complaining that her chest was starting to hurt again but told me to go and wait on the delivery. 8:45am finished setting up the furniture, took pictures, sent them to her phone. 9:10am called her to find out if she had seen her new furniture yet. When she answered the phone I knew she was in bad trouble, gasping for breath, a gurgling sound when she spoke, I told her I was on the way home and that I was going to call 911. I told her I loved her, she replied "I love you too, please hurry" .. started back to the hotel and called 911 and gave them info. Called her back with no answer. When I got back to the hotel at about 9:30am the paramedics were in the room doing cpr. Wouldn't let me in. Even though her body was kept functioning until 6:45pm she never regained consciousness. After the 3rd cardiac arrest the doctor came out and explained that she had a total of about an hour and a half of cpr during the first 3 arrests and that chances of survival were pretty much non existent and wanted to know if I wanted to sign a DNR. The hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I knew she was gone and had been since that morning but it was still heart wrenching to have to give up on her. About 20 mins later he came out and advised us that she had passed. For those with medical knowledge cause of death was Septic shock, due to Necrotizing pneumonia.

This is so hard, especially today. I now truly believe that it is possible to die from a broken heart. I have heard of it happening but was somewhat skeptical until now. No worries, I am not going to do anything to hurt myself. Its just a concept I truly believe is possible.

The overwhelming waves of loss, loneliness, guilt .. even some fear is tangible causing real pain. Its almost as bad today as it was last month.. which seems like yesterday and 100 years ago all at the same time. I have moments where I seem to be completely disconnected from reality. There is such a huge hole in my life and heart right now. I really can't go on ATM, can't see the screen for the tears. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Karen.Lyn]

Dave, I'm so sorry for your loss. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. I could tell you a very similar story about the loss of my husband but like you, I wouldn't be able to see the screen for the tears. And there's not a day that goes by that don't cry several times a day for missing him. I wish I could tell you it gets better. I'm told it gets better with time but hearing that means little when you're in such pain. I'm still in the process of learning to live with that pain.

We all handle our grief a little differently so take as much time as you need to grieve.

I hope you find the peace we all deserve.

[OldGeek]

I'm sure right now you feel like you will never be able to find any happiness in life, I have been to that hell as have most or all of the members here. There are no easy answers of course, but if you can just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time, or 1 hours at a time, I think you will find that the pain does diminish eventually. No, you will never "get over it", that's just not going to happen, but I found that I could finally accept the loss emotionally as well as logically, and look back on the memories of my soulmate without being sad, that acceptance was what finally allowed me to start healing.

Everybody grieves differently, there is is no timeline or magic steps to take, you must travel this journey the best you can and the kind folks here will help with that, even if it is just to listen. Many of you acquaintances and family will try to console you, usually with trite sayings that soon start grating on your nerves, but those that haven't been through this really have no idea what they are talking about. It's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, a hundred times harder at least, but I am starting to see the sunshine again.

Take care of yourself, your wife would want that you know. Eat as healthy as you can, get some exercise even if it is the last thing you feel like doing, strongly consider bereavement counseling, individual or group or both. Please read the other threads here and come back and talk about what you are feeling, somehow that seems to help.

[tnwulf0513]

thank you for your replies.. actually I have been through this before 33 years ago I lost my son (ironically to a catastrophic home fire) I just don't remember it being this devastating .. It must have been though I lost my job at the time because I couldn't function. I know you are absolutely right that as time passes I will manage to accept what has happened. I also know that I will never get over it .. the little hole in my heart from my son's death is still there even though it has been so long ago. Right now the huge hole that represents Shari will eventually begin to get smaller. I know this logically but emotionally it aint happinin. At least not yet. She was the center of my universe for the last 13 years, My life was focused on her happiness and well-being, and hers on mine. The loneliness is the worst part of it. When my son died I had a wife and daughter to focus on to help distract me. Now there is no one. I have never been able to make friends easily, Shari was the only friend I needed and now .......... I am considering counseling .. but I don't have health insurance .. I am hoping that the VA has some counseling services because I am eligible for VA health care. We shall see. Thank you once again for taking the time to be with me during this.

[Silvergirl61]

Glad you found this forum, and believe me when i say that I have this place to thank for even being able to function. I hope you will come back and that you realize, there are people here who will care, and who will take the time to do what they can to just be there and try to help if they can. I am so sorry for your loss.

As the surviving spouse of a Navy vet, I've been around the VA system for a few years, and I want to pass on something that I wasn't aware existed until it was almost too late.If you can't get help at your VA in a timely way, and feel you are in a crisis..call the crisis hotline. I don't mean to imply anything by that, except I want you to be aware the resource exists, and sometimes, the VA healthcare system is too slow and full of redtape issues to respond quickly enough. The number for that hotline is : 800-273-8255..and you press 1 for veterans..there is always a crisis counselor available there, and they have other contacts they can help you with, too.

I second the advice..please take care of yourself, and give yourself the extra care you need. Most of us here understand all too well, the devastation of a loss of this magnitude, having started the journey on this road ourselves at some point in the past.

Something I have noticed in many of us here..we all worry about whether what we are feeling is 'normal' or sometimes, that we aren't healing as well as we should. The best thing you can do for yourself is to think of it this way..whatever you are feeling or however you are 'taking" this..is fine..there are no rules for this. We all have the freedom to express ourselves, and how we are feeling, and sometimes it may take a little while, but someone will answer..to just let you know there is someone listening, if nothing else. Try the chatroom, too. Don't be shy about just breaking in to say hey I need to talk to someone, either. Sometimes the conversation may look silly, but usually it's just a group that's been around awhile, and they are always ready to stop chatting and start listening- this is from experience. If you feel weird talking to strangers, say hi, and feel free to comment when you are comfortable. I have found that the simple distraction of just talking to someone else helps at the lowest times.

[tnwulf0513]

Thanks for the info Silvergirl I really appreciate it

[needy]

My heart goes out to you, my deepest sympathy.

[tnwulf0513]

thank you needy .. and mine to you !!

[HeyJude]

Hi Dave, my name is Judy. I lost my husband of 32 years Jan. 4, 2013.

If it were not for this forum I would probably still be sick with grief and unable to function...seriously. The people here are priceless and excellent therapy.

My husband and I were like you and Shari, always together and joined at the hip. I was waiting for myself to die from grief, from losing my better half but I don't think it is gonna happen!! I know it does happen but the longer the time passes the more manageable this gets. My husband was my one and only friend, my soul mate, my better half. Early on, maybe on Jan. 5 or 6 I heard my husband say to me "nothing has changed, I'm still here". So I have been going on about my life as if he is just in the other room or something. It wouldn't work for everyone but it has helped me tremendously to pretend. Am I really pretending though?? I really do believe he is with me. Some pretty weird stuff has happened but that is for another post.

Anyway, welcome to the club nobody wants to join. Keep coming back, like I said, the help these folks have given me has helped a lot.

[MissingDaniel]

Thank you for sharing your story - I am so sorry for what you have been through! Please accept my sincere hope that you are able to find some peace and comfort. As we all know all too well, those things can be so elusive after a loss like this!

[tnwulf0513]

sorry .. don't even remeber what I was trying to put up here. When I do I will try to repost with a link that actually works

[catz]

So many echoes in your story of myself and the loss of my fiance and besr friend, Alex. I think we all see ourselves in each others stories. Hell of a thing to have in common really, but there it is. It does mean, tho, that when you feel lile youve lost it, that you cant carry on and you feel so isolated and alone, that you can come here and realise that youe not alone, that youre not going crazy, and that others have trodden this bitter path and survived, so maybe you can too. Id like to second what SG said re: the chat. Its often the same folk in there, who know each other, and often the chat is lighthearted. That can be a huge help in and of itself....a little touch of 'normal', but if you need to talk, were always ready to listen and offer what help we can. Do read thru the forum too....there are some very wise people here, with a lot of courage. Lastly i do have to reiterate, dont forget to take care of yourself. Its not easy but its very important. Take care and hope to see you around.

[tnwulf0513]

When will the journey into the pit end? The loneliness is still overwhelming. I have been pondering the difference between a "home" and a "residence". My "home" was destroyed along with all the memories of her in the fire. I have been feeling that this "residence" will never be a "home". She never even got a chance to spend a single night here. In fact, it is starting to feel more like a prison....granted I can come and go as I please, but I always have to come back to the emptiness.

[HeyJude]

I don't know if this journey ever ends. Maybe when we finally die. But I promise you, it does get easier. I can finally talk about my husband without breaking down in tears. That took a long time. As for your residence, I know it doesn't feel like a home without your wife but it is your home. She is there with you in spirit. I am so sorry your feeling so sad.

[Silvergirl61]

I don't know what to say, to make you feel better on this type of day, really. I have to tell you.. I am here in the house where we spent the last couple years of our life together, and , even though I am surrounded by things he touched and things we shared...it's empty of life, devoid of the feeling of Home- and lonely , no matter how many people i pack inside the walls...and it too feels like a prison, yet every day we spent here or anywhere else together..we were home.

There are times, when I open a cupboard, or walk into a room, and see something that belonged to him..and have the overwhelming urge to smash it to pieces..hating it at that particular moment, for being still here, when he's not. I pack those things away out of sight..and soon.. I am going to pack all of this up...because i just don't want to see it anymore. Somehow I already know..it won't make a difference to the feelings of loss and alone, that I'm feeling...because it isn't where I am or what's around me that is causing this, it's what's inside of me now.

I don't know where I'm going.. I don't know what it is I am hoping to find. I know that i can't find what it is I'm really searching for...but I know it's time to move forward, even if it's wrong..because i can't deal with this feeling of being lost in a place that once was my center of peace.I've been looking for a place to go, and keep meeting roadblocks and obstacles, or letting fear and excuses substitute for action to the point where my heart is so empty and sad here..that it's leave soon or just give up hoping for peace entirely.

And that is something that i dare not do.