Just can't get over this grief

[youngandreckless5212]

Im Stephanie, Im 22 years old and living in Illinois. In 2007 when I was 15 years old my dad suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. My dad Tim was a very healthy man, born in 1949. I honestly only remember him being sick a select few times my whole life. In 2004 my dad was diagnosed with tachycardia, and soon after had a defibrillator put in. After his medications were adjusted, he very rarely had any problems with his tachycardia. In 2007 my dad went to his dentist whom we have known for many years. Our dentist sent my dad to an oral surgeon to get a normal root canal done. The operation went smoothly, and my dad was sent home. A few days later my mom and I had noticed a slow decline in my dads health. He started to forget things, " left his trunk open all night long." He also became became very weak and sick. I had never seen my dad that sick before in my life. After about 2 weeks my dad seemed to be getting better. I remember my mom taking me to go swimming with my cousin on saturday February 3rd. My dad was doing his normal weekend activities he enjoyed so much, such as gardening, woodworking, walking our dog, ect. When my mom got back home from dropping me off, she walked in the house to find my dad lying on the floor gasping for air. When the ambulance came they told my mom he was in cardiac arrest. The paramedics assumed that his heart had started racing again from the tachycardia and that his defibrillator had shocked him. I remember my uncle picking me up from swimming and telling me that my dad was in the hospital but he was going to be okay. When I got to the hospital I just remember seeing my dad hooked up to so many different tubes and Iv's. He was unconscious and we were informed that on the way to the hospital his heart had stopped and they had to revive him. The doctor had told us that when my mom found him he had been without air for a period of time, and that if he did survive he may have brain damage. The doctors had checked my dads defibrillator to see if it had gone off, and it hadnt, which means he did not go into tachycardia. We were told all we could do was wait and see how things went, and if he was going to make it or not. At 15 my mind was unable to grasp the fact that a few hours earlier my dad was perfectly normal doing things the way he always did. After our other family members came up to the hospital and visited, they decided to go back to our house and stay the night until we heard anything else about my dads condition. I remember everyone telling me to go home and get some sleep, and they would wake me up if anything else happened. I had a horrible feeling about leaving and despite what my family suggested I decided to stay the night at the hospital with my mom. At 2 am on February 4th I remember hearing alarms blaring from my dads room, and codes called over the intercom. My mom ran out of the room and into my dads room. It was then that the nurse looked at me and told me my dads heart had stopped and they couldnt revive him. How is a 15 year old even supposed to grasp the concept that her dad was just gone, and even worse, we were all unsure of what even caused his death in the first place. After a few days we were finally informed that my dad had septic shock throughout his whole body. The oral surgeon who preformed my dads root canal did NOT put my dad on antibiotic to prevent infection which was MANDATORY for anyone with a pre existing heart condition, which my dad DID have. Not only was my dad ripped away from me, but his death could have been prevented if the oral surgeon had just taken the time to give my dad antibiotic. After his death I ended up dropping out of high school, but I did get my GED soon after. Things have been FAR from easy since then. Now at the age of 22, I have reached the conclusion that I will never be able to get over my dads death. In the last year I have tried to commit suicide twice. Dont get me wrong, I love my mom, and I couldnt be more blessed to have her, but the emptiness and excruciating loneliness i experience on a daily basis seems to never go away. I have gone to counselors, I have been put on different depression medications, but nothing seems to help. I have some really good days where im very happy, and I do enjoy to hang out with friends and socialize, but then i lay down in my bed at night and I feel trapped. I don't understand why my dad is gone. I dont understand how someone is supposed to handle losing someone they loved so much, and so suddenly! sometimes I turn to drugs to help the pain. Smoking weed only does so much for me now, and I dont like to drink alcohol. Even when things seem to be going in the right direction in my life, I still rarely feel happy. I honestly believe that when my dad died, a piece of me went with him. I cannot get over this, day after day after day I still feel sad and depressed and hopeless. I want to give up. I would do anything to get him back. Only a person who has lost a parent understands this feeling. This feeling of sadness, confusion, anger, loneliness. It just never seems to ever go away. Sometimes I honestly wonder if i will ever feel truly happy again.

[MsDelilah]

Hello there. I read your story and it certainly has brought tears to my eyes. I lost my father when I was 23...not as young as you, but I remember it just demolished my life. He & I were very close. My twenties were a nightmare very similar to what you are going through. I wish I had something to offer you other than solidarity and understanding of your pain. I did eventually get to the point where I was emotionally stable again, where I could live without thinking of him every moment. I tried ALL the same things you have and are doing. Eventually, time was the thing that helped the most. Now, at 39, I am about 5 months out from losing my husband, and my brain doesn't work very well right now. If I could think and analyze better, maybe I could offer something more helpful. Rage & despair I can completely understand, however. Coming here has helped me some--knowing that there are other people who understand this sort of suffering. I wish you peace, I wish you love, I wish you reconciliation.

[SGTMom911]

Hi Stephanie, I can't say this is totally related, but I do know about the anger side you're feeling. My mom just passed away September 7th, as a direct result of a defective hip implant she received in January 2012. I watched as a normally healthy, strong, petite woman withered away and declined mentally rapidly over the summer. All of a sudden she was in hospice, then died 10 days later. I didn't have a super close relationship with her - trust me, she was hard to love sometimes. But she was still MY mom, and my 11 year old daughter's only living grandparent. I am SO PISSED at Stryker "medical devices" that I could smash things. We are suing them, but it won't bring her back. And what I had to witness was heart-wrenching. Nobody should have to suffer the way she did. It is still so fresh and raw to me.

All I can say is "HANG IN THERE". Try a different counselor - or two or three - until you find the one you clique with. My therapist happens to be an older hippy who wears mom jeans, but he "gets" me. Try to think what your dad would want you to do.