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The drummer's wife

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The drummer's wife

I feel him. Is it his energy still strong inside me that propels these intense encounters or does he come to me from some unknown place? Will this always happen or is it just for a short time? Many times we talked about he kindly haunting me and I can't help but think that he is. I miss his physical presence with an agonizing desire that is unquenchable. I want him here, healthy and full of life. I want a do-over. If sheer will could make that happen... My heart aches, my body aches, every piece of my flesh aches in an ungodly, indescribable manner; I feel I shall go mad with this pain. I crave relief but have no idea where to seek such relief or if it even exists.

There are stages to this process. I have been in shock. The first week was a numbing, surreal shock. The days leading up to the memorial were lost to a shocked panic. The memorial itself was a blur of fuzzy shock laced with comfort and kindness, hospitality and a uncomfortable form of relief at it's end. Since, I seem to wander in and out of disbelieving and believing. Time still functions as an abstract concept. Hours are lost staring at black and white movies not knowing the plot, vast buckets of time are dumped away full of scattered thought, yet I do accomplish what needs to be done and I am continually surprised by that. I couldn't begin to explain how it is that I am functioning.

I walk the little dog each morning, the same route that he once took, I find comfort on that path. We talk, I cry a little, he reaches out to me. I find white feathers strew across my path and I thank him for the messages. I come home and make the coffee that he once made and play the 'dirty fish' game that he and the little dog once played. It all seems an act to me, a scene in a play, a scripted slice of pretending that I do to please the little dog and to please him, as he would not want me to neglect their games and rituals My days are full of attempts to honor his wishes as I feel his passing so unfair to him that I must continue his dreams. Despite the contention that very notion once caused I feel it my duty now. A duty, I too, realize is not healthy. I tell myself I will do this only for awhile and then I must move on to my own dreams yet for all the dreams I once had I can't seem to remember a damn one.

Another day looms ahead of me. Sitting here in front of the coffee table, typing this, sipping my morning coffee, the little dog resting his head on my shin, music softly playing...he should be there, sitting with his coffee, offering commentary to the days current events. He isn't there, he will never be there. I am here, alone, feeling him with only stages to go through.

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I feel him. Is it his energy still strong inside me that propels these intense encounters or does he come to me from some unknown place? Will this always happen or is it just for a short time? Many times we talked about he kindly haunting me and I can't help but think that he is. I miss his physical presence with an agonizing desire that is unquenchable. I want him here, healthy and full of life. I want a do-over. If sheer will could make that happen... My heart aches, my body aches, every piece of my flesh aches in an ungodly, indescribable manner; I feel I shall go mad with this pain. I crave relief but have no idea where to seek such relief or if it even exists.

There are stages to this process. I have been in shock. The first week was a numbing, surreal shock. The days leading up to the memorial were lost to a shocked panic. The memorial itself was a blur of fuzzy shock laced with comfort and kindness, hospitality and a uncomfortable form of relief at it's end. Since, I seem to wander in and out of disbelieving and believing. Time still functions as an abstract concept. Hours are lost staring at black and white movies not knowing the plot, vast buckets of time are dumped away full of scattered thought, yet I do accomplish what needs to be done and I am continually surprised by that. I couldn't begin to explain how it is that I am functioning.

I walk the little dog each morning, the same route that he once took, I find comfort on that path. We talk, I cry a little, he reaches out to me. I find white feathers strew across my path and I thank him for the messages. I come home and make the coffee that he once made and play the 'dirty fish' game that he and the little dog once played. It all seems an act to me, a scene in a play, a scripted slice of pretending that I do to please the little dog and to please him, as he would not want me to neglect their games and rituals My days are full of attempts to honor his wishes as I feel his passing so unfair to him that I must continue his dreams. Despite the contention that very notion once caused I feel it my duty now. A duty, I too, realize is not healthy. I tell myself I will do this only for awhile and then I must move on to my own dreams yet for all the dreams I once had I can't seem to remember a damn one.

Another day looms ahead of me. Sitting here in front of the coffee table, typing this, sipping my morning coffee, the little dog resting his head on my shin, music softly playing...he should be there, sitting with his coffee, offering commentary to the days current events. He isn't there, he will never be there. I am here, alone, feeling him with only stages to go through.

I prefer to think of it as phases instead of stages, because stages sounds like levels in a video game where you progress from one to the next. I think we gradually move from one phase to another, sometimes being in several at the same time, sometimes moving back to phases already experienced, and not everybody goes through the same phases as others. All of what you describe I think are feelings many of us have experienced, it hurts like hell but does get better. For me, acceptance was a big breakthrough, not just the logical acceptance that Linda was gone, but a certain change of thought processes that came along a little at a time. Just try to make it through each day, or each hour if need be, instead of dreading a lifetime ahead, and trust that others have survived this and came out the other side still sane but changed a little or a lot by the experience.
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The drummer's wife

I prefer to think of it as phases instead of stages, because stages sounds like levels in a video game where you progress from one to the next. I think we gradually move from one phase to another, sometimes being in several at the same time, sometimes moving back to phases already experienced, and not everybody goes through the same phases as others. All of what you describe I think are feelings many of us have experienced, it hurts like hell but does get better. For me, acceptance was a big breakthrough, not just the logical acceptance that Linda was gone, but a certain change of thought processes that came along a little at a time. Just try to make it through each day, or each hour if need be, instead of dreading a lifetime ahead, and trust that others have survived this and came out the other side still sane but changed a little or a lot by the experience.

Thank you for your response, OldGeek. Stages...levels, phases, whatever we call it we must go through it. I wait for acceptance...I dread acceptance...

At this moment knowing that others have experienced what I am experiencing fills me with a powerful aching empathy...

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i hate to say this, but unfortunately sometimes just the logical acceptance of things doesnt make it any easier. For quite some time i KNEW that Alex was dead. Id found him for gods sake, and ive seen enough death to know it when i see it........but what my head knew, my heart refused to accept for a long time and even now, 5 and a half months on, i still catch myself waiting for him, and have to remind myself of whats happened. I know we WILL come out the other side, but i also know that we will all be changed by the experience, forever. Whether that change is for the good or not i cant say, but no great change comes about without pain, certainly not this one. Eventually you will remember your dreams, but be aware that they too may have changed. For now, follow your script, act your part......its your minds way of letting you make sense of things, keep going. I really wish i could give you some sort of magic formula that would make this all easier but i cant....i can only say, that i have faith that somewhere, somehow its possible to get through this. Take care.

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The drummer's wife

i hate to say this, but unfortunately sometimes just the logical acceptance of things doesnt make it any easier. For quite some time i KNEW that Alex was dead. Id found him for gods sake, and ive seen enough death to know it when i see it........but what my head knew, my heart refused to accept for a long time and even now, 5 and a half months on, i still catch myself waiting for him, and have to remind myself of whats happened. I know we WILL come out the other side, but i also know that we will all be changed by the experience, forever. Whether that change is for the good or not i cant say, but no great change comes about without pain, certainly not this one. Eventually you will remember your dreams, but be aware that they too may have changed. For now, follow your script, act your part......its your minds way of letting you make sense of things, keep going. I really wish i could give you some sort of magic formula that would make this all easier but i cant....i can only say, that i have faith that somewhere, somehow its possible to get through this. Take care.

Thank you catz. Everything seems so unbelievable to me....I can't wrap my head around the fact that he is gone and I am here.

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My heart goes out to you. Early stages are very rough. I honestly don't believe in hauntings, but in the early stages I did have two hallucinations. One I heard my name right in my ear and the other I saw a picture of my husband on my phone that I know wasn't on my phone. My oldest son hears voices when he is having a mental episodes, pretty sure that is what I experienced. But who knows since others widows have experienced things similar to what you have, especially in the early stages. The mental fog does get better, believe me. I do suggest having a book near by so you can document things, like who you talked too, bills you paid etc etc. It is very good you are keeping up with routine with your dog. It is helpful for both of you. As I was clearing out my husband's stuff I came across his "great to do list" . I will admit I have done some of the stuff on his list, but now I am able to change his list somewhat to what I want. Guess it is part of the reinventing stage, realizing you can do stuff on your own (unless the procrastination bug hits you :D ) Welcome to the group!!

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The drummer's wife

My heart goes out to you. Early stages are very rough. I honestly don't believe in hauntings, but in the early stages I did have two hallucinations. One I heard my name right in my ear and the other I saw a picture of my husband on my phone that I know wasn't on my phone. My oldest son hears voices when he is having a mental episodes, pretty sure that is what I experienced. But who knows since others widows have experienced things similar to what you have, especially in the early stages. The mental fog does get better, believe me. I do suggest having a book near by so you can document things, like who you talked too, bills you paid etc etc. It is very good you are keeping up with routine with your dog. It is helpful for both of you. As I was clearing out my husband's stuff I came across his "great to do list" . I will admit I have done some of the stuff on his list, but now I am able to change his list somewhat to what I want. Guess it is part of the reinventing stage, realizing you can do stuff on your own (unless the procrastination bug hits you :D/> ) Welcome to the group!!

Thank you for you response needy. Words from those who know are like being wrapped in a warm blanket.

I can't say for sure what is happening but he comes when I need him and feeling him near comforts me greatly. I won't question it any longer...I shall let it be as it is.

I do have a legal pad near me at all times but I'll admit that has always been the case...I am a lister :) and an occasional forgeter too.

When did you begin to 'go through' and part with your husbands things?

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I have had numerous occurrences that I KNOW was my husband. Feeling him curled up to me, a kiss on the back of my neck, and the list goes on. It has also happened when I just really needed to feel him. As time goes on, it happens less. I think in the beginning after a death our loved one wants to reassure us, comfort us and show us they are ok. I was a hospice nurse many years and have been with many, many people as they departed this earth, many of whom I had developed a deep relationship with, watched my mother die, my father die, my father in law passed 3 weeks before my husband, I thought I knew all about death, truly believed it was just a part of living, but nothing, nothing prepared me to deal with my wonderful, loving, generous husband of 22 years who I love more than life depart this life so very suddenly. The last 7 1/2 months have been filled with nothing but pain, but I am to the point where I know I can survive this with the help of a wonderful counselor. I would still prefer to not live and be with hubby but he would want me to live.

So sorry you have joined the ranks of the grieving but you have definitely come to the right place.

Hugs to you

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The drummer's wife

I have had numerous occurrences that I KNOW was my husband. Feeling him curled up to me, a kiss on the back of my neck, and the list goes on. It has also happened when I just really needed to feel him. As time goes on, it happens less. I think in the beginning after a death our loved one wants to reassure us, comfort us and show us they are ok. I was a hospice nurse many years and have been with many, many people as they departed this earth, many of whom I had developed a deep relationship with, watched my mother die, my father die, my father in law passed 3 weeks before my husband, I thought I knew all about death, truly believed it was just a part of living, but nothing, nothing prepared me to deal with my wonderful, loving, generous husband of 22 years who I love more than life. The last 7 1/2 months have been filled with nothing but pain, but I am to the point where I know I can survive this with the help of a wonderful counselor. I would still prefer to not live and be with hubby but he would want me to live.

So sorry you have joined the ranks of the grieving but you have definitely come to the right place.

Hugs to you

Thank you for your response, Sammijo. I don't think there is anything a person can do to prepare nor is there anything that can compare to the loss of someone that was your world. With the kind help of your counselor and your enduring love for your husband you will survive this and live to tell his story while living yours. Peace and love on your journey.

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Drummer's wife, I am trying to remember when I first started going through my husband's things, my husband was a hoarder and I still haven't gone through everything. In the beginning I had a therapist from hell which didn't help. I thing it must have been 6 weeks after his passing and I first started with old clothes that I would have done normally with a spring cleaning. Then I think it took me three months to do his clothes he wore (that part not pleasant). Then I tackled the basement that was jammed full. I hired a junk guy to come, problem was I also did it the same weekend that I was having my husband's cremated remains buried, which wasn't good. Way too many emotions flying with the kids and I. Why did I do it, because I had this therapist that was screwing around with me because I was a procrastinator (she also did other things to me as well). Thanks to members here and their advise I never returned to that therapist. My advice to you is don't let other people tell you when to do it, do it when your ready.

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I think it's wonderful that some of you had the experience of feeling your husband's presence in those early days. I used to sit and talk to Daniel, and ask him to please find some way to show me that he was still here and still with me, but I don't know that I've ever really seen a sign or felt a presence. I still have his voice in my head sometimes when things get quiet and I let my thoughts turn toward him. I'm not saying that I don't think he is with me in some way, but I just haven't seen any tangible presentation of it. I just think that would have been comforting when the loss was so raw - it still would be. But he remains in my heart - that much will never change....

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