Members The drummer's wife Posted September 23, 2013 Members Report Share Posted September 23, 2013 I feel him. Is it his energy still strong inside me that propels these intense encounters or does he come to me from some unknown place? Will this always happen or is it just for a short time? Many times we talked about he kindly haunting me and I can't help but think that he is. I miss his physical presence with an agonizing desire that is unquenchable. I want him here, healthy and full of life. I want a do-over. If sheer will could make that happen... My heart aches, my body aches, every piece of my flesh aches in an ungodly, indescribable manner; I feel I shall go mad with this pain. I crave relief but have no idea where to seek such relief or if it even exists.There are stages to this process. I have been in shock. The first week was a numbing, surreal shock. The days leading up to the memorial were lost to a shocked panic. The memorial itself was a blur of fuzzy shock laced with comfort and kindness, hospitality and a uncomfortable form of relief at it's end. Since, I seem to wander in and out of disbelieving and believing. Time still functions as an abstract concept. Hours are lost staring at black and white movies not knowing the plot, vast buckets of time are dumped away full of scattered thought, yet I do accomplish what needs to be done and I am continually surprised by that. I couldn't begin to explain how it is that I am functioning.I walk the little dog each morning, the same route that he once took, I find comfort on that path. We talk, I cry a little, he reaches out to me. I find white feathers strew across my path and I thank him for the messages. I come home and make the coffee that he once made and play the 'dirty fish' game that he and the little dog once played. It all seems an act to me, a scene in a play, a scripted slice of pretending that I do to please the little dog and to please him, as he would not want me to neglect their games and rituals My days are full of attempts to honor his wishes as I feel his passing so unfair to him that I must continue his dreams. Despite the contention that very notion once caused I feel it my duty now. A duty, I too, realize is not healthy. I tell myself I will do this only for awhile and then I must move on to my own dreams yet for all the dreams I once had I can't seem to remember a damn one.Another day looms ahead of me. Sitting here in front of the coffee table, typing this, sipping my morning coffee, the little dog resting his head on my shin, music softly playing...he should be there, sitting with his coffee, offering commentary to the days current events. He isn't there, he will never be there. I am here, alone, feeling him with only stages to go through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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