Members MsDelilah Posted September 20, 2013 Members Report Share Posted September 20, 2013 This is my first post, and it's very hard to know what to say...I guess I'll just start with why I'm here...It's been almost 5 months since I came home from work and found my husband dead on the floor. Six days before my 39th birthday, I became a widow. Sudden Cardiac Death took him away. Not a single thing wrong with him, according to the medical examiner, but a spontaneous electrical malfunction in his heart struck him down. If I'd been home, I probably could have saved him--I'm a cardiac nurse after all. I would have known what to do. But while I was taking care of other people, he laid on our living room floor and died. Six hours later, I found him cold, face down on the floor. His face was black and blue, his skin mottled he'd been dead so long. He was so cold. I was so distraught, it took me several minutes to get the dispatcher to understand me. He was 51, didn't take a single prescription drug, didn't have a single medical diagnosis. And he's gone. The grief has gotten worse with time, now that it's so final, so real. I have two moods: despondant and enraged. Therapy hasn't helped at all. I tried to join a bereavement group, but it was cancelled due to poor enrollment. Almost more irony than one can bear, to actually reach out for help and be told "I'm sorry, but despite the fact that we are a grief resource center, we can't find enough grieving people to actually help you". So, here I am, with all my grief, all my rage, pushing all my friends away because I cannot bear any more platitudes. I'm so angry at him for leaving me, for getting a quick, painless death when I am left to hurt and grow old. Positively drowning in self-pity and thorough self-disgust.I don't know when this gets better. Everyone says it does. Everyone says "Things take time". Everyone says "Everything you're going through is normal". Mostly I want to club "everyone" in the face for thinking that telling me these stupid, repetitive platitudes could possibly benefit me at a time like this. And people who tell me he's "In a better place"...those are the one's that really kill me. We were happy. The best place in the universe was here with me, in our home. There is no better place, and "God" is a myth that this devastation has completely bereft me of. All I have left is rage...and ashes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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