Struggling with the grief timeline...

[luv4potter]

Good evening,

I'm hoping to find some answers to my questions, this may be a long thread so please bear with me! Hi, I'm Faydra! I"m 27 years old and have dealt with a lot in my life and now I just need some perspective on things. When I was 17 i had kidney issues with then lead to a kidney transplant from my sister later that year. Because of my immune system I was allowed to stay at home during college, my mom was kind enough to let me stay at home and not work, she then became ill and she was diagnosed with cancer. I become very supportive of my mom and learned how to give her medication shots, and take care of her. She never pushed me out of the "nest" so to speak until I was ready. However in 2011 I became very ill myself and because of the medications I was taking for my immune system I developed stage four cancer. My mom was there with me through every chemo treatment, and all the doctor's tests. We even began seeing the same oncologist. Because of the sickness I have dealt with in my life I never really learned how to drive either. My mom started to get weaker this year and sadly she passed away from multiple system atrophy. I have been grieving pretty hard because I'm a very emotional individual. On the other side of things my sister has gone with me to the gravesite and together our relationship as sisters has become stronger.

About a week ago I was on vacation visiting my mother's side of the family (her mother and her sister) my dad informed me that he has made the decision to move to Ohio. My heart believes that he still hasn't grieved properly, but I'm not one to say either what is right or what is wrong for me. He has said that he'll take me to visit mom's grave whenever I'd like to but he hasn't actually gone since the funeral. However this puts me in quite a pickle. I have to learn to drive but I'm not comfortable on the road yet, and because I've been quite sick I haven't had time to get a proper job, nor an income. I've discussed with my dad my fears for the future and he told me that there's nothing for him in Colorado (where we live) anymore, and it's time that I venture out on my own.

I'm very scared and emotional right now because I obviously can't make him stay, but I feel like I'm losing both my parents. I feel like this is going all to fast and we are almost six months out for her death. I'm still dealing with major medical issues myself and I don't see myself following my father to Ohio. So if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any kind words or advice I would very much appreciate. It's very nice to meet you all.

[widower2]

Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss and the complications from it. I haven't been in a similar situation, but I have had "complications" afterwards due to relatives. I wish you the best with this!

[fairydust6888]

Hi, luv4potter. Have you thought about applying for Disability? Also if you visit the local DHS office in your area; they should have resources for you to look into. If you dial 211, a volunteer operator should perhaps, be able to give you organizations that might be able to help you as well. I am so sorry for your loss. Have you talked to your sisters about this situation? Perhaps they can provide a good support system. I am very sorry that your Mother passed away. I do hope things get better for you. I am sending best wishes and prayers for you.

[gaylelynne]

Hi, Faydra. I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my mother when I was 29 and it was very difficult for me to get past. I always assumed my parents would live into their 70's or 80's and I would have plenty of time with them, so when my mother died and 56 I really struggled with it. I'm still struggling with it, but now I can at least think of the good memories I have of her. I can kind of relate to your situation somewhat. My mom or me didn't have cancer, but my dad did some things after she passed away that made me feel like I'd lost both parents.

You said you don't think your dad is grieving properly? Why do you think that? Is he in a relationship with someone else already? I understand you not moving to Ohio with him if Colorado has been your home the whole time. Does he have family there? I've noticed since I've lost my mother, I want to move back to my hometown (which was also where she grew up) more than anything. I still have an uncle and many cousins there, and when I go visit there are so many happy memories of my family there. Maybe if your dad has family in Ohio he feels the same way? If your dad does move, you don't have to go with him, but do what you can to stay in touch with him.

My dad and I had some difficult times when I was a teenager and we were both very stubborn people. By the time my mom died, my dad and I weren't very close. She was the glue that held everyone together, but I didn't realize it until she was gone. My dad moved in with someone else 3 mos after we buried my mother, and I was devastated. I couldn't talk to him without crying. Eventually he quit calling me. Every once in a while when I realized it had been a couple of months since I'd talked to him, I'd call him. He rarely called me, though. That would make me mad and I'd say I wasn't going to call him again until he made the effort to call me first. We'd go 4-5 mos with no contact at all. After he broke up with his girlfriend, he moved back to my hometown, and at Thanksgiving one year he told me that he was getting married and moving to South Carolina. We are from Oklahoma, but this woman that I'd never met was someone he'd dated when he was in high school and they'd reconnected. He moved out there about 5 yrs ago. We still only talked about every 2-3 mos, until the last couple of years when I finally decided that if I wanted to have some kind of relationship with my dad I would have to call him and not get mad if he never called me. I took my kids there to see him a couple of summers ago for about a week. Then at the beginning of this month he got really sick and passed away. We never did resolve anything the few times we did talk on the phone or during our visit. We still weren't close, and I have no idea what he thought about me. Now I really have lost him, and I can't tell him everything I needed to say.

Sorry, I didn't mean to go into all that. I just wanted to say that no matter what your dad does, talk to him.

[luv4potter]

Hi, Faydra. I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my mother when I was 29 and it was very difficult for me to get past. I always assumed my parents would live into their 70's or 80's and I would have plenty of time with them, so when my mother died and 56 I really struggled with it. I'm still struggling with it, but now I can at least think of the good memories I have of her. I can kind of relate to your situation somewhat. My mom or me didn't have cancer, but my dad did some things after she passed away that made me feel like I'd lost both parents.

You said you don't think your dad is grieving properly? Why do you think that? Is he in a relationship with someone else already? I understand you not moving to Ohio with him if Colorado has been your home the whole time. Does he have family there? I've noticed since I've lost my mother, I want to move back to my hometown (which was also where she grew up) more than anything. I still have an uncle and many cousins there, and when I go visit there are so many happy memories of my family there. Maybe if your dad has family in Ohio he feels the same way? If your dad does move, you don't have to go with him, but do what you can to stay in touch with him.

My dad and I had some difficult times when I was a teenager and we were both very stubborn people. By the time my mom died, my dad and I weren't very close. She was the glue that held everyone together, but I didn't realize it until she was gone. My dad moved in with someone else 3 mos after we buried my mother, and I was devastated. I couldn't talk to him without crying. Eventually he quit calling me. Every once in a while when I realized it had been a couple of months since I'd talked to him, I'd call him. He rarely called me, though. That would make me mad and I'd say I wasn't going to call him again until he made the effort to call me first. We'd go 4-5 mos with no contact at all. After he broke up with his girlfriend, he moved back to my hometown, and at Thanksgiving one year he told me that he was getting married and moving to South Carolina. We are from Oklahoma, but this woman that I'd never met was someone he'd dated when he was in high school and they'd reconnected. He moved out there about 5 yrs ago. We still only talked about every 2-3 mos, until the last couple of years when I finally decided that if I wanted to have some kind of relationship with my dad I would have to call him and not get mad if he never called me. I took my kids there to see him a couple of summers ago for about a week. Then at the beginning of this month he got really sick and passed away. We never did resolve anything the few times we did talk on the phone or during our visit. We still weren't close, and I have no idea what he thought about me. Now I really have lost him, and I can't tell him everything I needed to say.

Sorry, I didn't mean to go into all that. I just wanted to say that no matter what your dad does, talk to him.

First off let me thank everyone who replied to this message, it has helped me more than you could ever know.

I feel like he didn't grieve properly only because I was visiting my mom's grave (four times already) and he hasn't, and the way he is talking about moving to Ohio I'm not sure he'll be in State when we place her memorial marker.

He does have family there, his sisters, brother, and his mother. I believe he wants to go back to relieve great memories!

Thank you very much you are so right I can't be mad at him for leaving or not talk to him, who knows that the future will hold for us. It's okay if you totally let me know everything, I really really appreciate it!!!