I dont know myself anymore

[junglee queen]

Today i realized that i changed a lot . In the past i used to be more considering and i would be always afraid of hurting other feelings. Nowadays iam very blunt and i don't really care . i used to always be with so many friends , nowadays i only meet 3 of them and thats like once every 3 weeks . I lost 14 kgs till date , whenever i look at the mirror, the face i see doesn't look like my face anymore , i look much older and very dull . I used to be a person who is easy to please , now nothing really makes me happy . I just keep waiting for everyday to end . My guy has been a very foody person and a great cook, he could talk about food for hours whenever he used to get upset about something i used to start talking about a certain dish or a restaurant and he will soon forget whatever is upsetting him and he will start talking about food . I just have one meal a day just to be able to do whatever work i need to do . i go to restaurants we used to go to , i sit alone and stare at where we used to sit . i try to order the dishes he likes but its all tasteless for me now .I hate driving to the area where he used to live its very painful . there are roads i struggle to drive at because they are attached to certain memories .

I had to leave to another country for a month before he passes away . He sent me the link of a song . its called( let her go) by passenger . i told him to not listen to such upsetting songs , now i keep playing the song again and again iam trying to find out if it had a message i didnt pay an attention to. Something indicates that this was going to happen . I hate the fact that he went without me . i want to be with him more than anything else . I used to be suicidal before and he made me promise him to never do it again . Sometimes when i feel that the pain is too unbearable , i think of breaking my promise . Iam just worried that he will be angry with me and that he wont meet me . So basically iam waiting to die and i keep imagining all kinds of scenarios that involve me dying on the same ICU bed .

Its too painful..... sometimes i feel like leaving everything behind and going to some other country . Sometimes i think of how good would it be if i too end up in a bad car accident . at least if i dont die i would be in a coma for a while , a state in which i might really get to see him and have a good time with him .

I feel so wrecked , damaged and dead from inside ......... I just want to be with my love .

[catz]

awww hun ((((hugs))). What can i say other than, ive been there and its terrible. But, there is a light in the dark. Please hold onto the promise you made, suicide doesnt end pain, it creates it, and would you really want to put anyone else thru what youre going thru? If you are having a lot of suicidal thoughts please make sure that youre also getting professional help as well. When i was at my worst i had the number for a suicide helpline on my computer desktop too, and used it.

If you can just hold on, it DOES get better. I know that it doesnt seem possible right now, and i had people tell me just the same thing when i was where you are, and i didnt believe them, but it is true. One day, soon, i hope, youll see that little glimmer in the dark and youll be able to follow it. Maybe you wont be in the full blaze of the sunshine, but you wont be in the dark anymore either. This is all a process and we have to allow it time to work thru, and just endure, which is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do, and no, you wont be the same after it. But hopefully youll be at least at peace, and with room in your heart for happiness. Take care of yourself.

[needy]

Please take catz's advise and call the suicide hotline. I know it is hard to reach out for help, but you can do it. I am certain they will help you and direct you in the care you require. We care about you, please post how you are today.