4 months and few days

[MissuDad]

Hello everyone,

I know it´s been a while since I last posted, but decided to come back and let you know how I´ve been doing these past few months.

What we end up reading here and online about grief it´s basically what can be expected. They say grief is different for everyone, that it comes in waves; it messes with your mind and body, etc…

The cruel truth is after a while, life goes on for most people and in the meantime you´re still hurting like hell, the pain lessens more often, but it still strikes hard every now and then, the difference is that in the beginning you can find more support but as time goes by, people expect you to feel better and no longer search for you and then that´s when the true feeling of loneliness strikes.

After a few months one is simply trying to keep it together, but the world almost forces you to act like nothing ever happened and you start to lack people to talk to and the path becomes long and lonely…

I celebrated my 30^th anniversary 2 months after my dad died, that was probably the first day, I felt some normality in my mind for a while… The thoughts were always present, but somehow I manage to tolerate them.

For a while I´ve been like that, kind of stable, but every once in a while a new wave of grief comes and literally sweeps you of your feet, it can be a night that you can´t sleep, a day when you feel angry for no reason, extremely anxious, or just empty. Every time I have a day like that, I know I must have something inside that needs an outlet and I always end up crying remembering my dad…

As I needed to continue to work but my anxiety levels were through the roof (my job is extremely stressful), after a month I had 2 choices: I´d go on a work leave and would try and manage my anxiety alone; or I´d get some sort of help to get me through this. As work leaves pay badly and losing my dad also meant losing my companion to whom I´d share expenses, I had to seek out help. So I went to a psychoanalyst and to my GP and asked for something to take the edge off and allow me to fall asleep at normal hours, allowing me to get up in the morning.

Adding to all that, I also have a few other problems at work and financial that only add up to the stress, so to complement, I´m also going to gym more often and practicing yoga 7 days a week…

Unfortunely my psychotherapist in on vacation for almost a month, so I had to rely only on the anxiolytic (which I really don´t like to take) and on yoga, plus the gym and took some time off work too.

Oddly enough since I started this new routine, I find myself crying more often, I feel emotional lots of times during the day and this past week I cried for 2 nights in a row, which is something unusual for me.

The hardest part is still when I just wanted someone to hold me and say it will all be ok just to ease the restless and lonely mind.

It´s been a long and lonely journey and each day I miss my dad more and keep reminiscing of little things he and we used to do. The world seems and emptier place now and I still don´t feel like myself, I might have regained some of the old traits, but it seems like part of me has died along with my dad.

Would like to hear your experiences and see if someone can relate to what I wrote.

Best of wishes to all of you

[Singer777]

Hello..I too feel your grief and pain. I lost my father four months ago...he was 80 years old. I was adopted when I was a baby but my adopted mother passed when I was four. My daddy raised me almost entirely by himself. Although I am 38 now...I feel like a lost 5 year old looking for her parents. I feel like I'm in a dream and soon someone will wake me. I had two good months but this past week when it hit me and the wave crashes over me. I don't want to resort to pills ..I am a woman of prayer so I try my best to pray my way out of my deep pit of misery. My daddy was my best friend. I understand