Jump to content

A year on and still struggling at times - help..


Lor1

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Hi There

Not sure where to start so apologies for the monologue - first time posting. I am 37 and my dearly loved Dad died last summer - strange that ever since I feel I have just being 'going through the motions' but feel deep down very alone and like there is now no-one there for me. Feel that no-one will ever love or be there for me the way he was - the loss to me is deep (understatement and profound). The world around me has forgotten and then and now makes now allowances and in the mean time I have carried on, worked just as hard, been a Mum, Wife, Daughter (though Mum was not there for me like Dad) and studied, been a pal - look after everyone else.

Would never do anything about it but if I am truly honest just wish I could go to sleep for a long time and be with my Dad.

My Dad was adopted and he and his adoptive Mum were so close - but he had no bio relatives until I came along.

My Mum had been married before - had my brother - then cheated on my Dad and had my sister - my Aunt said he still just had to have her as he was smitten - so he took on both kids, got married then eventually I came along - that's when all hell broke loose.

My Mum had had my Brother age 17 - me age 35 - by that time she had had enough of being a parent; Dad on the other hand being kind and soft hearted was apparently enthralled - I can understand - first blood relative ever - a sense of belonging but Mum would give him a row for looking at me too long. When I was 4 Dad told me I came to him in the cupboard when he was fixing the hooks to ask 'Dad why does Mummy not love me?' = my sister was a bit tempremental but apparently I was different - woke up smiling - even as a baby so all was a tinder box I think.

Upshot was Mum was very cold to me - not saying that in a woe is me way - just how I seen it and there were many times to back that up like when she left me on the door age 5 and left - Dad got me when he came home from work etc - don't hold any grudges now and even organised her care there this week - cest la vie.

My Dad and I were and are very similar - clever but generous to a fault - funny but sad etc. When they split up when I was 17 I stayed with him - they were always on--off anyway - and we lived together for 10 years and they were the best years of my life.

I have always been scared of losing him - at least 20 years before the day I worried about it - sometimes would feel the pain like it had actually happened and feel bereft - he prepared me for it but nothing can I guess.

Won't go into the terrible way it happened yet - feel I might be boring everyone yet in desperation thought tonight there maybe is or are people who feel like I do and would be amazing not to feel so alone. I just miss my Dad and no-one can make up for him. X

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lor1, I am very sorry about your loss of your father. He sounds like a great person. You are right when you say nobody can make up for him. Good fathers are irreplaceable. I know you've heard that it is going to take time, but it is true. The first anniversary is always so very tough because it just rehashes the whole nightmare of the experience. Have you tried any group meetings or a professional counselor? Sometimes they can offer some valuable tools for processing what you are feeling. Talking to people is probably the best way to get through the tough times. So, we are glad you found our warm and caring community. When you are ready, please feel free to share the way it happened. You are definitely not boring anyone--we like to listen. You are not alone, either. We will be here for you. --ModKonnie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Konnie is right, no one will ever be able to fill the void of your dad. I too was way closer to my dad than my mom, but I miss them both every day. For me the first year was the hardest, but even now almost five years later, it's still there. I can relate to the feeling of wanting to just be with your dad. I still feel that way some days. Big hugs!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.