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Having a really hard time right now


HeyJude

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It has been just about 9 months since I lost my husband and all the sudden I am in worse shape than when it first happened. I am so incrediably sad, my heart is so broken it actually hurts, I'm crying all the time. What the heck gives?? Is this normal to go back to square one after all this time? I am incrediably lonely too and being a timid person it is very hard for me to reach out and make friends. I'm going to start going to church this Sunday. I miss my husband so much. He was the greatest guy ever, for me, and I really should have let him know that more often. Sept 1 will be one year that he left our home in an ambulance. The house is so quiet now, the dogs are bored, I'm bored and I just don't know what to do. I can't even talk about him right now without breaking down into sobs. Last night I semi-woke up. My little dog, Molly, was laying against my back snoring up a storm and for a brief instant I thought everything in the past was just a bad dream and my hubby was there sleeping with me.

I don't know how we get along...all of us partners who have been left behind. I almost feel like this grief is going to kill me, it is smothering. I don't know how to pull myself up out if this. I live in a very very tiny town and we don't have grief counceling or support groups...you guys are it. I totally understand now how the other spouse can die shortly after the first one goes. They die of grief and loneliness.

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MissingDaniel

Jude, I totally understand how you feel. I was running around trying to get to work this morning, missed my bus, and had to walk back home to call a cab so I wouldn't be late. My neighbor across the street saw me and walked over. She asked me how I was doing and if there was anything she could do, and I just broke down sobbing. I felt so bad, because I don't think she was prepared for that kind of reaction - she was just trying to be friendly. I hate when I do that. But some days, everything just combines to make me completely come apart.

I am so sorry you are feeling like you are back to the beginning, but I have a feeling this may be a fairly common thing as well. Sometimes when I talk to people who have been in this position and I talk about it being almost 5 months since my husband died like it is a long time, they remind me that in the scheme of things, that's nothing. Same can be said for 9 months. The loss is still fresh. And I think as time goes on, the lonliness sets in more and more if we let it. I am not naturally outgoing, so that is a problem for me too. I hope you can find some way of getting out and being around others - if not a grief support group, maybe church will help, or maybe you can find some other interest to pursue. I lived in Birmingham, but I know there are a lot of rural areas surrounding that are not too bad of a drive, and there is a lot there as far as activities. Do you live anywhere close to Montomery, Birmingham or Huntsville, where you could maybe make the commute every once in a while to find some other opportunities for yourself?

My thoughts are with you....

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Thanks for replying MD. I actually live right between Birmingham and Montgomery, it is about 80 miles to either city. With the price of gas and being broke it is a little hard to commute anywhere other than work. I am going to give church a shot this Sunday. It really isn't good for me to be home alone too much. I'm really hoping that getting out will help my mood.

I know exactely how that happens when someone asks how your doing and you just start to blubber. I'm not one to wear my emotions so when that happens it usually shocks whoever is asking. I am finding that I'm having to put away things that trigger my grief. I had a picture of my husband on my desk and that wasn't a good idea in the long run. I would sit and stare at him and just feel sadder and sadder. Hopefully moving it to another location will help.

I feel like it is hard to breath, like I'm under water or something, I can't even explain it. I am just so glad that you folks are here and that I can say what is really in my head. I probably sound like an idiot half the time but being here, writing, really does seem to help.

I hope we all can find some peace,

Judy

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I am so sorry your having such a rough time. Remember that this is just a speed bump in your grief. Sometimes we all have them and take a few steps back. Don't rush yourself! Just take baby steps to get back on your path! Seems like these "milestones" tend to bring up emotions we just don't want! Hugs to you!

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MissingDaniel

Ok, so you must be in the Calera/Clanton/Jemison area. I used to drive through there a lot when I went to college in Montgomery, and it is pretty rural. I hope getting out for church helps you. We go every week and its helped my girls being around the kids at church. As for Jerry's picture making you sad, I do understand your reasoning. I have a picture of Daniel in my office at work, as my computer screen saver and the home screen on my phone. So I get sad when I log in and out of my computer, every time I use my phone, and random other times during the day. Maybe I should follow your lead on that one and make some changes. I don't know....

Hang in there, Judy.

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Sorry to hear this Judy - remember there is really no "normal" when you get down to it; each journey is unique. I've found myself regressing lately so I can relate - so much for that "time heals all wounds" foolishness (but I do think it helps a lot in the long run). I do think getting out of the house is very necessary. Visit family/friends if you can, start taking walks, go window shop, pick up a few groceries, whatever - just being out I think definitely helps. Try focusing on hobbies - if you don't have any, consider starting one up. None of these things are likely to be a magical answer, but all can add up to make a real difference. Best of luck.......

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People tell me they are amazed at how well I am doing, which just sort of just means I'm putting up a good front in public. I don't tell people how I really feel when they ask me how I'm doing (they really don't want to know anyhow). Staying busy helps, getting out among people "can" help, depending on the setting. Church might be a good start. I also had to put my wife's pictures away, and make some minor changes around the house to break up the old associations. Lots of little baby steps, they start to add up, just have to keep moving on.

This holiday weekend might be a challenge for me, Linda's sister will be staying with me along with her partner and another family friend. Three women in the house, oh my.

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oh Jude *hugs* youre in a dark place now....but do please believe me that it will lift. There is light out there, tho it doesnt seem like it right now. These swoops in mood, that often seem to deposit you right back at the beginning of the process are tough to take i know, and i think everyone experiences them to one extend or another. The important thing to remember is that they WILL pass, and hard as it is, we just have to endure them. I wish there was more i could do to help you, but i do agree getting out a bit might well help. Its very hard to find your way thru when everything reminds you of your loss. Please take care, and please keep telling us how you feel and whats on your mind. Its what this place is here for and we all care about what happens to you.

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Silvergirl61

Hey Jude- the only thing i can think of to tell you, is you aren't alone..even though you can't see us, the rest of us that come here do care about you, and understand how hard the shifting sands can be to walk on. Wishing you well, and hoping you get a little peace of mind today!

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I know how you are feeling, I am back having a few more grieving spasms as well. I am overwhelmed with so many things right now. I can't say I am bored, way too much stuff going on right now and I just want to sit and stare at a wall. I really miss John, I so much miss having someone to talk to.

I have to keep this note brief, my internet is down at home because of renovations and I am typing this at work.

Back to you Judy. I know it is hard to get out and meet people etc etc. Have you been keeping up with friends on facebook?

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Hi Judy, I am not even on this site. I usually post on the Loss Of A Child site. I read your post and had to reach out to you. I hope that you are feeling a bit better this morning. I agree with Widower in his comment. It really does help to keep as busy as you are able in order to find a degree of peace in some small way through this period. My own husband is very ill and the thought of him not being with me sends waves of pain and fear through me on a daily basis. I can relate to everything you are saying. Please hold on and know you are thought of with concern and friendship. Kate

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Jude - will you let us know you are ok, please. I am worried about you and just want to make sure you are ok, well, about as ok as we all can be

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I think part of my problem is that I have not been feeling very well and I don't sleep worth a dang. If I get 4 hours a night I'm doing good! Being tired and not feeling good makes for a very immature me!! Winey, moody, feeling sorry for myself. Sure doesn't help the grieving process any thats for sure. My blood pressure has been extremely low too which is very weird for me. I usually run just at the high mark 140/90 and today it is pretty much staying at 99/59 and my pulse is only 62. I have a call into my doctor to see if I should lay off a blood pressure med for a few days and see what happens.

I truly truly appreciate the care and concern that you all have shown to me and to each other. It is very special. This is by far the hardest thing that I have ever had to endure. I have lost two siblings and my father and those don't even compare to this. Not to make the other losses any less, it just hits you in a different way when your better half is gone.

SammiJo...I'm okay, don't worry about me...lol!! Here I was worrying like crazy about you a few weeks ago. Funny how the sands shift as someone said.

MD - I am just a little bit northwest of Alexander City (Lake Martin). I work in Auburn. I could probably find something here in Auburn to do as far as a therapist or group. I am not into football at all which makes me a black sheep here. I have thought about trying to get into it but I don't understand the game at all!! I am a little bit closer to Montgomery than I originally thought. Ive been here in Alabama almost 14 years and been to Montgomery one time!!

Well, I hope everyone can make the best of their holiday weekend. OG- your going to have a good time! I'm sure the ladies will lift your spirits. I would love to have some company, anybody at this point!! Y'all take care...I'll be here over the weekend...

Judy

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Judy, I'm so sorry you're not feeling well. I have to admit your post caught my eye because we have exactly the same symptoms. I don't feel well, don't sleep and my blood pressure is 20-30 points lower than it usually is. It makes me wonder if grief and the stresses it causes are what bring that on.

I'm going to hope we both feel better soon. Take care,

Karen

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Hang in there HeyJude. I think that getting out of the house, for church or other activities, is a great idea. Before my husband died, my life centered around my home. He and I spent 5 days a week here together, and we both worked weekends. That left me a lot of free time at home alone after he was gone. I have had to force myself to get out of the house and do things, to keep me from going crazy. Humans are social creatures, even if you socialization is just one single person. I started taking a yoga class, and I'm getting out more often to go visit with various friends. Best wishes, and I hope it starts getting better for you soon.

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I am getting really sick of this horrible roller coaster. Today is the one year mark of when my husband got sick and left the house in an ambulance. I've been awake almost all night and have a migraine. Life doesn't get any worse than this.

My doctor stopped one of my blood pressure med and that has seemed to help with that but there is nothing to help my broken heart.

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My heart goes out to you Judy. I am certainly feeling the roller coaster ride as well. My house is being renovated. They finished the room my husband use to sit in for hours drinking. The room is beautiful, but.i still cried for two hours. Master bedroom is done too. Working all day and then coming home to clear out a room has me completely drained. I try to get the kids to help but.they don't. My oldest looks at me with total discuss and says "deal with it". Finally have a therapy session on Tuesday. I am really hoping she can help me deal with this.

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I am getting really sick of this horrible roller coaster. Today is the one year mark of when my husband got sick and left the house in an ambulance. I've been awake almost all night and have a migraine. Life doesn't get any worse than this.

My doctor stopped one of my blood pressure med and that has seemed to help with that but there is nothing to help my broken heart.

I am sorry your having such a bad day! I know these milestones and roller coaster rides all to well! I seem to be an emotional wreck today myself! Somedays its best to just cry, scream, sleep...whatever it is you need to do to make it better! Hugs my dear!
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I am getting really sick of this horrible roller coaster. Today is the one year mark of when my husband got sick and left the house in an ambulance. I've been awake almost all night and have a migraine. Life doesn't get any worse than this.

My doctor stopped one of my blood pressure med and that has seemed to help with that but there is nothing to help my broken heart.

I'm sorry Judy. Those "anniversary days" can be esp. hard. Hang in there, you can weather this.

PS to needy: you might start your session with why your kids are so grossly insensitive. I'm sorry for any offense but behavior like this makes me ill. If they were mine they might get a slap across the face and me going "deal with THAT."

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Last night my eldest was very cruel to me, I got up and left and went to the cementary and had a good cry. When I called

down I called my sister for advice, her remark was my children learned it all from their father. Don't think I will be sharing anything with her any time soon. My eldest has been diagnosed with a mental illness and was doing well but certainly had a relapse in the last three weeks. I will call his mental nurse on Tuesday, because when he gets like this he will not listen to a word I say. Not sure why my youngest isn't helping. I know I am an enabler I just don't know where to go from here.

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Wow Needy, I wouldn't take that from anybody let alone my kid! I agree with Wid2 in that I would smack the crap outta the kid. Easier said then done though, I know, especially with teenage boys. I hope that therapy will help. The kids need to see that continuing with that type of behavior only allows the cycle of emotional abuse continue. I'll pray for you sweetie.

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Wish I could give my son a "loving slap" but he is 210 lbs of muscle and use to have total rage issues so I am not trying that! He goes to a phyciastrist but all they do is give him meds, hopefully now that he is starting college he will have the time. But a miracle did happen he apologized and helped me clear out a room.

Hope your feeling better Judy. This stage of "moving" on is harder than I thought.

Tomorrow I have my first appointment with my new therapist. I need it, but then I have to get home to clear out another room so the contractor can lay more flooring.

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needy I wasn't suggesting a literal physical slap; my point is to stand up for yourself, as no one can do that for you - the more one lets people walk all over them, the more people will do it - even family. Unfortunately, that's part of human nature. If you're so afraid of him that even getting angry with him or "letting him have it" verbally when he's desperately begging for it might cause a physical reaction from him, I think you need to let his so-called mental health professionals know it, and if he's an adult (over 18), maybe he needs to know that he either gets a grip or he moves out. Another idea is not to react angrily, but give him the ol' "cold shoulder" routine - be polite at most, and don't do anything but the bare minimum that you need to do for him, that kind of thing.

Bottom line here is it sounds like he needs - really, really needs - to know there can be (and if necessary, be given) consequences for his actions. If there aren't, he won't stop (and I can't say for sure, but I doubt meds will change that. Sure doesn't sound like it so far). Having mental health problems isn't necessarily a valid excuse for what he's pulling. Re. your youngest, maybe he/she is afraid too, and so why not doing anything.

OK I'll shut up now, just some things to think about. I'm sorry about this extra burden, and wish you the best dealing with this.

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MD - I am just a little bit northwest of Alexander City (Lake Martin). I work in Auburn. I could probably find something here in Auburn to do as far as a therapist or group. I am not into football at all which makes me a black sheep here. I have thought about trying to get into it but I don't understand the game at all!!

Judy, had to laugh at the football comment. You don't have to really get it; frankly many who cheer and holler don't either :) Hope you find a good grief counselor or support group!

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I know you didn't mean a physical slap w2, but sure would be nice if it was like the movies, a slap across the face and then the person is ok. I do get upset with him but somehow he makes it all my fault. Maybe in away it is since I now know I have been an enabler. My son is back to the same mental state before my husband's passing, but this time have to face it alone. Today I have my therapy session, hope they don't send me packing after one session. Lol

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MissingDaniel

I haven't been here in a few days - I tried to really spend some good, quality time with the girls over the long weekend. But Jude and Needy, want you to know that you are both on my mind today. Jude, if you're in Auburn, it really is too bad you haven't gotten into football. My 3 oldest are "die hard" Auburn fans thanks to their father. And my others and I are Alabama all the way. But I couldn't bring myself to watch the season opener on Saturday. That was something that Daniel and I did together, and he loved Alabama football more than just about anything else. The thought of watching without him almost brought me physical pain, so I let that go on Saturday. Anyway, being in essentially a college town probably doesn't help you much in giving you activities, since I'm sure so much is geared to college age. But I know you can find something to get you out and around people. Don't give up. And sorry about the milestone - those are tough! Hang in there....

Needy, I know all about enabling. Hopefully, your therapist can help you with that too. It can be hard to shake after doing it for years. I know I became world class at it. I certainly hope you can find a way to deal with your son that will improve his attitude. It's unfortunate that he can't see how much you need his help right now (or can't bring himself to care enough). It does sound like you are dealing with so much. Hugs to you!

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Needy -

Well, I really did mean smack the crap outta him...lol!!! My favorite phrase - I brought you into this world, I will take you out!!' I'm old school, I believe in smacking. But.....a 210 lb teenage male would certainly make me think twice! I am just so glad he apologized and helped you clean out a room.

Whew - the posts I just finished reading are potent. I don't want to "get over it" or "it takes time" either, I mean if I could I certainly would. I think some people think I like feeling like this. I do know though that we will all be okay in our own time.

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