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My Mother commited suicide


an0582

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Right, well i have now looked through a ton of forums and support groups changing my minde to share my story or not, so i am typing very fast now before i change my mind,

My mother took her own life 2 weeks ago. With a mix of Alcohol and medication. She send my Stepdad txt message vefore where she wanted her ashes scattered and for him to tell her grandkids she loves them.

We put it down to her having a drink, even tho she hadnt send a txt message before but she said she would do it or that she didnt want to life anymore loads of times, back in April my brother and i even admitted her to hospital when she was drunk and told me she desnt want to live anymore, came out after a month but nothing changed.... there is a bac kstory to it.

My parents both drunk heavily and were violent towards each other.

When i was 15 and my dad left my mum for the 50th time, she kept telling e she will jump of the balcony. I got her admitted once, and she kept saying it over and over again...

They got bk together when they seperated again when i was 19 and already married myself she started again.

She was drinking more and didnt make any sense and try of helping went through the window and i stopped contact as it was just to much for me.

She met someone an amazing man who loved her so much, she stopped drinking and she was brill, she turned to be my best friend. We spoke all the time laughed alot and she was the perfect grandma. So caring and loving.

Then when my stepdad had a heartattack and nearly died things changed, he found out he had 3 already and got fitted a difribulator ( i know spellt wrong) and only has 20% heart, cant work anymore. She started changing again, she became mean. When one of ther frriends died of cancer she lost it and turned into a person i hadnt had seen in years. My stepdad left her and she was drinking non stop, my hubby and me were continuasly to visit her but nothing was good enough. I managed to have contact with my brother again and he helped her with the move and everything.

We tried so hard. But dhe got obsessed. She kept asking me how my stepdad is she kept calling me over nad over agai asking if he has a gf. She just wouldnt leave it. We fell out so many times and said some nasty things ot each other.

When she came out of hospital in april i thought she had turned a corner, but not long till she was drinking again on her antidrepressents. :-( She kept sayign she wasnt but i heard it on the phone. I said she wont have my son anymore over night because of her drinking, she got really mad saying she is not drinking. I had already informed her doctor about it all in april and it was getting to uch for me, the 8 times aday phone calls sober or when she had a drink slagging my stepdadoff and asking questions about him. I was empty and had no patience left.

I took a step back ,she said i wasnt there for her i said she need professional help.

She didnt listen. I told her over and over again.

Then we had a massive row on the phone she said some horrible things on my voicemail and via text.

I blocked her.

A few weeks later my stepdad calls me about the txt and we thought she was doing it again she had a drink and wanted the attention. I mean she had done it over years loads of times.

Next day my stepdad got worried as he drove past and something seemd off he asked me to call her and she didnt pick up he called the police showed them the txt, they went to her place waited for the locksmith and found her dead.

I am full of guilt, and anger, and more guilt, and gutted i never got to make up with her, but also so angry she left me and he grandsons, my sons is in so much pain he is only 10. Did she still love me, did she know how much i loved her? Why didnt she listen? Why didnt i unblock her? I would ve got the call as i saw she tried calling before it happened as we checked her phone. I cant seem to grief i dont know why. I am hoping writing all of this down would help but i feel no better... :-(

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

an0582...first let me say I am so sorry for your loss...I usually do not post in this section, but saw your story...

My sister eventually died due to bad choices from her lifelong addictions to mostly drugs but also alcohol...we too tried so hard to get her to have help...it just would not work....as soon as she got out she would go right down and find some more drugs again...she died at 41...she too threatened suicide many times, I am not sure how many attempts...

Also my husband's dad killed himself by jumping off a very tall building after many years of alcoholism. He was in his early 50's.. My husband was 19 and had 2 other brothers and 1 sister....1 year later my husband's mom died...

Sometimes as much as we love someone we cannot save them from their self-destructive behaviors...you can try and try...I tried for years with my sister...and it did get to the point of losing my own sanity if I hadn't stepped back...

I do not believe that my sister would have wanted me to self-destruct...the best thing I did was to be there for my kids and since I adopted her son...for him as well....

I also attended Alanon (organization for family members of the alcoholic) for a long time...do not know if there is something like that where you live but it was helpful...

Here is a link to the online Alanon...

http://www.ola-is.org/

Be kind to yourself...

May you find peace and comfort in Him...

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Thank you

Jesse's Mom - Laurie, i am also very sorry for your loss. Thank you for the link we dont have that here but similar organisations so gonna have a look into that.

I am trying to concentrate on my Life and specially my family as well. My husband and i are currently starting the IVF process as well so really nee to stay strong and specially stay calm. Thank you for your reply :-)

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