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Loss of both parents...


sunkenspirits

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sunkenspirits

In the last year it seemed I have lost everything. I lost the income I had, was unemployed, in terrrible depression already over that. Wanted to get help, but couldn't afford it. But I wanted to help my father take care of my mother, because we were so close, and I did so using whatever resources I could muster including all the savings I had. But I didn't care. She was one of my best friends, and we talked and talked for hours on all sorts of things. Then she died suddenly 8 months ago and our whole world shattered, but dad and I decided to keep eachother strong and we were doing better. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. But then my father had a heart attack and he died two days ago. Now I don't know what to do with myself. I was already screwed up from my mom's death. I can't stop crying. I keep thinking could I have saved them? I feel like somehow I failed them, even though the doctors said that there was nothing more I could have done. But that's no comfort. I even have dreams of my parents saying "Why didn't you save us?"

On top of that, the landlord says I have to move within a month because he in the process of selling the house (something he was doing before Dad died). Fortunately, my sister invited me to stay with her. But there is so much that I have to do over the next month and I can't even think, I can't even function. I'm just a complete basket case. I don't have insurance so I can't afford professional help. Not even sure I can afford to see a regular doctor for my meds for my own health problems.

I have thought about suicide. I don't want to be a burden on anyone including my sister. I think maybe it's what I deserve for failing my parents. The only thing that has kept me from going through with it is that I have a great fear of death, so I don't have the courage.

I know there is nothing that can be said to take away the pain, but it helps to express it I guess. At night is especially hard because I have no one to talk to and it all builds up, not to mention the nightmares. I feel like such a baby. I guess I got too dependant on the connection with my family and ignored all the outside. I realize how bad a mistake that was, to become so withdrawn, but it's about the only way I could cope with life (I guess it wasn't really coping after all) and now it's all gone and I'm left with nothing but a hole.

Thanks for reading...

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connorsmom

I am so very sorry for the loss of both of your parents.  Are you close to a hospital or church or religious organization?  Call over to either or and ask for support groups.  They are free and meet weekly/monthly.  Trust me; hearing that comforting voice on the phone providing you with a date to meet is a great feeling.

Get yourself a calendar and write the date of that first meeting on there with bright red pen......stare at it; hang on to it.  Ask the meeting mentor for a "buddy" right now....there's bound to be a member who can talk to you and help you not feel so alone until you can get to a meeting.

Hang on..........you obviously have access to the internet.....do a search and find a group in your area. 

You are so lucky to have your sister!  Lean on her right now for support..she's grieving too.

Good luck................this board has some wonderful, caring people on it.............

j.

 

 

 

 

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sunkenspirits

Thanks for your reply. I am looking into a grief support group. For now, I have been in contact with a few more friends and families and they have helped immensely in talking to me on the phone, even if they can't be here in person. And last night I had a night of sleep without the nightmares which was a blessing. Today I am basically beginning the work of figuring out what is in the house and what needs to be sold, thrown out, or kept. Except for when I run across something that was personal to Mom or Dad, I start to break down, especially Dad, since he is fresh in my mind, it's bit theraputic since it keeps my mind busy. This is the first time though since it happened on Thursday that I feel like that I can get through this.

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Hi sunkenspirits - I too have lost both parents (on the same day hours apart) - I lost my Dad and Mum in March last year and havent yet come to terms with their deaths. Dad died instantly from the car accident and Mum was revived only to have her life support turned off several hrs later.  I know the pain you must be feeling as I too feel such a loss.  Going through my parents personal items was very hard for me and I have a sister who reacted very differently to their deaths.  We havent really spoken for over a year now and I have given up trying.  You are lucky to have support from your sibling, I have no-one else, just her.  I cherish the items that my parents have left behind and cannot even throw out anything useless.  I have slowly revisted each item and many a quite day I can be found with a box of treasures just sifting though the bits and pieces.  Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry and sometimes I just smile.  Take your time with the items and dont be too quick to throw out even the smallest unvalueable item.  Value is in the memory not necessary the dollar value.  I have kept a small pottery car that my dear mum made at school - its a funny looking thing but she made it and its special to me. I wear her ring and feel that she is with me.  Sunkenspirits when the time is right you will regain some normality to your life, but I know this can take time so dont be hard on yourself. Give yourself some 'me' time and enjoy going through the items.  Take care - Gayle

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sunkenspirits

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time. There is so much to go through and since the landlord gave me such a short time frame to get through it, I've had to rush. But I said in my last post that it was theraputic. I was wrong. With everything I pick up, I think of the moments that we shared and the moments we aren't going to share anymore and i just lose it. Now that the reality has set in, the loneliness and isolation are really hitting me hard. I call or go out with someone and that helps for the time that they are there, but as soon as they hang up, or leave, I'm back to being a basket case. Like I said, I already had depression before all this happened and now I don't know how to handle this. As I said, I don't plan to commit suicide, but I just wish I knew what I could do when I'm home alone that would be useful in getting rid of the pain. I try to keep my mind off of it, by doing some activity like playing a game or something, but all just seems to empty and a waste of time. I feel like I should be doing something more productive, but everything I do on that note just sends me back to square one.

I have to wonder if living in this house is part of it since both of my parents were picked up by ambulance from here. That if I could go somewhere else, even for a couple days, would give me a chance to clear my mind and focus a bit better. Do vacations help? Or would that feel just as empty? Not to mention expensive?

Any suggestions on what to do when I'm alone would be greatly appreciated...

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robinann202

sunkenspirits,

I just wrote a reply-and lost it-oh I hate that!!!! Try this a journal--write in it everyday--do it day by day...After 3 months look at it-go back and read it--see if anything chnged or not.  Another idea, I was working for United Visitng Nurses Association when I lost my mom.  It ripped me apart too.  i could not eat, sleep-was agitated, nervous--wouldnt go out--couldnt go shopping-eat at resturants-all of the same thigs you are dealing with.  This is the process of grieving and going through loss.  I am so sorry--I know how it is.<<<HUGS>>>>  Try cards, games, famiy, going out with friends, get active-push yourself.  i stayed in from work 2 weeks-cleaned and cleaned and cleaned--that was my thing-keep moving and keep running away from my feelings.  I also had a sick dad to care for.  I am now 36, and I have lost both parents, and grandparents, along with other relatives.  I have been hit one by one-never having enough time to grieve.  Please keep grieving--you will get through this part of it--ur mom I'm sure will not allow you to be like this.  Your mom I'm sure wants you to live.  It is hard-it is not easy--it is easier to sit there and cry--pain--i know./  I would rather see you deal with this now--like you are.  you are normal-and you r not going crazy, this is the most important-or one of the most important people in ur life.  You are going to feel like this, and behave the way you are.  This is your lovely mother and your father.  Just whatever you do-make sure it is productive.  I wrote-like i said -please try it.  I also wrote poetry.  with work, i went right by that-sorry, I took advantage of the hospice program and supprt groups.  Listening and being there--and speaking really helps--you see you are not alone--and hey-you just might meet someone.  A friend who is going through the same can be a big support sometimes.  You also can be supportive--one washes each other's hand-it does happen.  If it is too much right now--go and sit there--listen--a thought--try it if you can.  This site here is great.  i have been in contact before with others--and it just doesnt cut it--this is real--we post back and forth--I am getting strength from here.  I just joined a few days ago.  I am stronger now--I had to accept, change and get used too.  It really does get better--because you learn to accept--and it is never gonna change-This is it...I have learned alot--went through alot, seen the deaths-all of it, like you.  I remember it clearly-9 years ago--and 3 years ago---last year my nana, and my friend--Please-if you need to talk--let me know.  I can be here for you.  Most of all too--I need a friend right now.  Keep in touch --Robin

By the way--I already lost a message i typed--I'm not reading this over-so i hope i didnt talk faster than I typed--if I did--sorry...lol

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stephysteph13

robinann,

i read alot of your posts and i was wondering if maybe we could talk. i lost my mom over a year ago and im 18 and lost

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stephysteph13

a little backround...

my mom was sick for 4 years on and off with cancer. she passed away in my junior year september 20, 20o6. ive always struggled with it big time. i do attend counseling and it does help. i need my mom im still young and need her i have support but the people i thought would be there arent and they just dont get how hard it is. now with graduation, prom, my bday, party everything this coming june is approaching i really want her there. i know sheis proud of me but it just isnt the same. i wish she was here i miss her so much, like i dont know what to do, i mean im doing alot better than i was but its still hard.

steph

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robinann202

First of all I'm sorry for your loss.

I know that this pain never goes away, it just keeps going.

I know you are missing her and all the "important dates" make it harder

cause you want her there, I know.  One thing I can say to you is that you have come along way, and i'm sure your mom is proud of you, I'm sure she is watching over you.

This is how it will be--you will miss her, and you will become stronger.  It takes alot of time.  There is no given time span of when you r going to feel better, it just happens--you accept and learn to deal-live.. It is not easy.  You are feeling the right way, you should be thinking of mom during these great times in ur life--she will always be with you. 

 

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robinann202

What else is going on Stephy,

Keep your mom in your heart-always think of all the good times.  As far as people "being there"--everyone has their own explanation, and whatever they think--this is touchy for me. 

I can say that a lot of people do not know how to deal with loss--they do not know how to help a friend.

Some think they should bring somethig--or go tto a movie--When all you need is a hug--or a listening ear-or a shoulder to cry on.  They just dont know and feel that the might say the wrong thing.  I know you should not have to tell anyone--family, friend-anyone who knows you--that you need them-I know.  If you need them tell them--and tell them exactly what you need.  give them the benefit of the doubt--and if that doesnt work--Well you need new supoort friends--people.

My mom went literally in 2 weeks--she was sick, dignosed with cancer--released-came home with me-died with me--fast.  I had no time--and I was devasated.  I know what you are going through.  I needed friends too.  I had one who was close to me-and mom--she couldnt handle--she was grieving also.  The others--they ran.--We can chat anytime you like....

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sunkenspirits

Thanks once again for the replies. I was writing a book awhile back, maybe I'll get back into it. I do remember that it was good therapy at the time. A kind of way to lose myself in something personal.

I'm sorry to hear about all of your loss RobinAnn. It was the same way with my father. He came home from the hospital and died that night. I'm not sure how to send a private message on here, but if you'd like to talk, feel free to contact me. I do find that talking does the best as far as keeping the pain down to a minimum.

Stephy, I know how you feel. Even though they may be with us, it just seems empty when you can't share it directly. It does get easier in this regard if you have support that you can rely on, that you can share these dates with besides your parents. When special days came up for my Mom, the sadness was offset by having someone else to share it with. Course with Dad also gone, I'm not sure if it will go away this time as readily. His birthday is at the end of this month. Fortunately, he didn't really celebrate his birthday like my mom (to him, it was just another day), so it's not going to be as painful I don't think.

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sunkenspirits

Today is a hard day for me. It's the one month anniversary of my father's death and I'm sick as a dog myself. I think it's because I haven't been eating or sleeping very well. I'm literally exhausted and yet I can't get any rest. People keep demanding to know what I plan to do and that this and that should be done. I understand that life doesn't stop, no matter how much pain you are in. Things still have to get done, bills have to be paid. They don't really care how much pain you are in and how much you are suffering, as long as they get theirs. I just feel so overwhelmed by what has to be decided (that affects the rest of my life), what has to be done, all in a short period of time, when my mind is so fuzzed up with grief. My Dad was streetwise, always knew what to do in life-changing situations. Unfortunately, that didn't rub off on me as much as I would have liked. It would certainly help me now.

I guess I should be proud that I made it through the month, despite the loneliness, confusion, etc. I'm just trying to make it day by day. Hopefully at some point, my focus will return and I'll be able to seriously figure out what the rest of my life is going to be like. I'm just concerned because every day seems harder than the last, and I'm afraid by the end of this month I will be closer and closer to going bonkers. Mainly because this month is the point where all things are coming to a head. I figure if I make it through this month, it won't be as bad. I hope.

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Hello everyone on the boards - I started a new board "honour memory board" so we could place comments about the good things that we remember about our lost loved ones - Although painfull to me, it helps to remember the good things that I remember about my parents.  I encourage anyone if they feel the need to post to do so - it can be very rewarding.  Take care  Gayle

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I too have lost both of my parents.  I lost my mom in 1993, when I was 17 years old and she was only 45 years old.  My dad just died 2 weeks ago, very unexpectedly.  I was the one who found him.  He passed away in his sleep.  I miss him so much, and I miss my mom too.  Obviously, the memories of my dad are much fresher in my mind, but I do feel that in the past 2 weeks while grieving deeply for my dad, I am grieving all over again for my mom.  I feel like it's so unfair.  Neither of them were that old - she was only 45 when she died and my dad was only 61.  I feel that they were cheated out of life that they could have lived and enjoyed.  I really can't stand it when people say "Well, he/she is in a better place now."  I just want to scream "Whatever!  Why couldn't they have gotten to that so-called better place 20 years from now??  Why did it have to be so soon?"  My faith in God is completely shaken.  I was not that religious to begin with, but I certainly was not an atheist or anything like that.  Now I am really questioning the concept of a loving or caring God.  I am only 32 years old, my sister is only 29 and my daughter is not quite a year and a half.  Why have we been cheated like this?  We will never get to see our parents grow old together.  Our parents will never get to see my baby grow up.  My mom has been gone for 15 years now and she has missed a lot.  She died a few months before my graduation.  She has missed my sister graduating, my wedding, many vacations, the birth of my daughter, etc.  I feel so f*****g cheated.  I am mad, I am horribly sad, I am confused and I feel like I will never be the same again.  How could there possibly be a loving or caring God?  I just want my mom and dad.

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tuxkeeper-  I understand your anger,I have been questioning just how loving God is.My mom died at 59yrs.and my dad at 55,both too young!I wonder why both my parents are gone,when almost all of my friends still have both of their parents.I had the best parents ever,why they were both taken so young I will never understand.I hate when people say"Theirs a reason for everything,or they are both happy and together in heaven."Why can't they be happy here together?I'm angry at God-I want answers!!You're right,ever since my mom died,it's brought back the pain and loss of my dad.I miss them so much it hurts!!!   Butterfly

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Sunkenspirits,

 

How are you.  Just checking in on you and see how you are holding up.  Time heals.  As hard as it is to believe.  Thats what I hear anyway. 

Please let us know how you are.

Kind Regards,

Angela:)

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sunkenspirits

Thanks for asking about me. How am I? Hmmm, time has helped the overwhelming sadness calm down a bit. I have been having dreams about my parents last week or so, not nightmares, just dreams. I wake up though, and I feel very lonely, sad and sometimes afraid about the future, and have trouble getting back to sleep. My moving, that was postponed to finish my parent's business and to clear their belongings from the house, is now at hand and so I'm kind of going from the known to the unknown and it's freaking me out a bit. I think that maybe part of the reason for the dreams. I am grateful I have to place to go until I can get my life readjusted. It's just going to be very tough and scary for me, because I've generally lived a somewhat solitary life up until now and now I'll be moving in with loads of family, many of whom I haven't met. So there is a lot of stress over whether I'll fit in, whether it will work out. I hope it will and if it does, I think I can get through this and get back on track once I make the jump. I was hoping to have a bit of a "personal" buffer between the old and the new by going some place that only I went, not my parents, that I could rest and regroup before jumping into the future, but doesn't look like that is going to happen.

But I think I can see light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope it's not a train, but I promised myself I'd at least find out if it's a train before giving up. :) It may just be the sun...

Thanks again for caring to ask. It means a lot...

---

A wise man once told me, "Death is but a turn of the page, in the chapters of our existence."

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hi  to everyone on this board - I just wanted to say hello and thank you all for sharing your inner most feelings on such a public space.  I feel we are all in this together and it amazes me that at times we are all the same albeit going through different stages of our journey.  I love all the words of wisdom that you often find on these boards.  I feel that I am never alone with everyone pitching in from time to time with support and stories.  How can we ever thank each other  - I find that I am my true self on the boards often saying things that I havent told my husband or even the grief counsellor  - I feel safe, I feel secure that many on these sites also have the same feelings.  I myself am in a slump at the moment and hope that with rest I shall get through the dark days that seems to have returned.  I have just had my parents birthday anniversarys and this was normally celebrated with me, maybe thats why Im so sad again.  I am yet to return to my scrapbooking  - I have stock piled all the items and just need the feeling to start off the projects.  I want to so much record the information so that when I am gone, my family will have all the information about my parents that they simply dont know.  I have been given a meditation tape from the grief counsellor to listen to - but its just not me.  I like music - but this sometimes reduces me to tears.  I dont read very much and TV is my only activity (other than beyond indigo) Any suggestions as to how we can all return some of our lost well being would be gratefully received.  Take care everyone - Gayle

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Thanks for letting us know how you are! :D  Sounds like you are having some flickers of optimism.  That's better than none.  I guess time does heal after all.  My life is still a big adjustment.  I could not imagine adjusting to loss of both.  they were very lucky to have you and visa versa. 

Best of luck to you and keep us posted on how you are doing. 

 

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