uncomfortably numb

[bridgewitch]

to paraphrase Pink Floyd...hubby had a "small" mass on a chest xray done 3/30/13. After slogging thru the swamp of referrals, "not in our group/on our provider list", finally found physicians group and began diagnostic testing in late April. Got a tissue diagnosis on 5/20. He became a Hospice patient the next day, and passed on 5/26. His wishes were followed to the letter. His children have yet to ask if his ashes have been scattered or where. No one but his sister has called to see how I am. And how am I??? Well after 26 years not so good. He had other serious health concerns and had developed severe dementia. I was laid off in late 2011 and at least was able to be home to care for him thru that, and what was to come. Having issues with creditors..one put his account onto my credit report..which was removed when I filed a fraud charge, but they are saying that since I paid the bill out of my checking account I had assumed responsibility for the debt, when I was not even on the account, and are insisting I pay it. He had no estate..he owned nothing in his name, but I get bills daily demanding payment for this or that, mostly medical. Due to the dementia, we had very few friends, since his behavior was at times disruptive and we did not socialize. I have no family here where I am. I cant even get anyone to mow the yard, with me offering to pay them and use my lawn mower.Every day is a new challenge. The lady who posted about the pear preserves setting her off in the grocery store..I can relate to that!! Mine was peanut butter! I can cook, I just can't eat. I have been living on Toastchee peanut butter crackers! I escape with a book or my Kindle, but tv doesnt help, there is no one to call, yada yada yada. Everyone has a life and I dont want to intrude. I love going to the Y and my Silver Sneakers class 3 days a week..but I am beginning to sink into this sticky undercurrent of I guess depression and just cant make myself get up and go..I feel like I am moving in slow motion and have lost some kind of spark..I would so greatly appreciate any advice, even if it is just "get up off ur butt"...funny, I always thought I was a strong woman...now I answer to j-e-l-l-o..if I answer at all....thanks for listening

[HeyJude]

Oh wow...I am so sorry for your sudden loss. That would totally freak me out. But, and I'm sure you have heard this a thousand times, at least he didn't suffer long with the cancer.

I know how you feel hon. My husband passed away on 1/4/13 and I am STILL fumbling around. I thought I was a strong woman, I mean everybody always told me how strong I was. We got through a double organ transplant in 2003 and then 9 years of horrendous amounts of drugs he had to put in his body daily just to live. Strong?? I don't think so. My world fell away from my feet the day he died. I got physically ill. I had never been so sick in my life. The sweat was literally pouring off me like a fountain, I couldn't eat, I wouldn't talk, it was horrible. And like you I am all alone. Oh, I have my elderly mother with me but that isn't the same as having a spouse. I went and bought a gun because we live out in the country and I don't even know how to use the damn thing!! I don't even know if I could confront a threat if I had to. I don't have anyone to talk to either. Nobody wants to hear about it anymore. They are done and over it, 8 months later, for me, I am still consumed with grief.

I'm here daily if you want to talk. This is a good place to come to. I spend a lot of time just reading. Everyone here shares one thing in common, we are all grieving and understand one another. So post, spill your heart out if you want. There are lots of very nice folks here who will help you. Take care Jello...

[LizzyW]

I am so sorry to hear of all your difficulties- it sounds as if you are on full overload right now. I can identify with the uncomfortably numb feeling. I think what has happened in my case, and maybe in yours, is that so many different issues have culminated all at once, that the ability to deal with it all seems unsurmountable, so we go into a sort of shut-down mode in order to not be completely swept away in the tide. I force myself to get out of the house, and I force myself to interact with other people, even when I don't want to. This is a slow and painful process, with lots of factors coming into play. I wish I could give you some words of comfort, but I am still grasping for some of those myself. I would just say try to hang in there, and take it a day at a time. Some days are bad, some are tolerable, some are even almost good. Eventually, I'm hoping that the bad days lessen in frequency, as we integrate these losses fully into our lives, and we can smile once again- a real smile, and not just a fake smile for the sake of those around us. Hugs to you, and blessings on your day.

[bridgewitch]

Thank yall so much..HeyJude I am in the country too and armed to the teeth..and dont know if I could use the weapons...I mean I can shoot and stab in theory..but a real person?? Not so sure...I appreciate the support..oddly I knew I was getting pretty bad when I realized my nails looked awful..chipped broken with hangnails..I was like whoa...and then I discovered my legs looked like King Kong..funny what wakes ya up..at least I realize now I am prone to fall..and slow to get up..me the gal who does not leave the house without makeup looking like the poster child for an extreme makeover...yes it was fast and I am so glad he did not suffer with the cancer like he did with the other issues he had..and hospice was wonderful...but I feel like Im in a waking nightmare..

[OldGeek]

Bridge, hang on awhile longer, look for the little day by day improvements to give you strength for the next day. Starting to care about your appearance is one of those little baby steps, maybe some days all you can do is clean a window, pull a weed or such, but it's all progress. It's still very soon for you, although it seems like forever.

As far as those creditors, hmpft, just hang up on them. They always try the bully approach and don't have a drop of human compassion, not worthy of your concern. Punch back at them when you have to, as you have already done, otherwise don't even respond.

Also, this has worked fro me, try to treasure the happy memories and smile at them if you can (memories shouldn't change to sad because of your loss).

Counseling is very good for many of us, and don't be too proud to ask your doctor for advice on anti-depressants temporarily.

Oh, and take advice from others (this post included) with a grain of salt, it has to always make sense to you and your unique grief.