Members katos1 Posted May 3, 2008 Members Report Share Posted May 3, 2008 In the grand scheme of things, I guess I'm doing well. Its been a long year, and I'm doing Ok. Staying positive, laughing, working, helping mates and family out, going out, doing the same old. And yet, unhappy, crying, wondering what the next drama will be. And then, telling myself I'm being dramatic for acting that way. Thing is, talking about things isn't my style, I'm really private. Or I find it hard, either because I don't like complaining or when I do, everyone says "You're the strongest person I know, you'll be right" which is all well n good but when I'm just trying to talk, its the last thing I want to hear. Writing a little story on the internet to people I don't know sounds like a much better idea to me. Things I've written here, I haven't told anybody. Hooray for internet anonymity eh. Haha.To begin. A not very close friend died last NYE (beginning of 07) after taking acid and walking off a cliff, so didn't affect me too closely, but supported my mates through that. Then April an old mate committed suicide by hanging herself - she was such a close friend for so many years; I was so close to her family too, but we had a falling out when we were about 18 (21 when she died) which we never resolved. In August of 07 my uncle died. A week later, my mum's cousin died. A week after that, an older family friend that i was extremely close to died. A week after that, another family friend died. Then March of 08, my brother died. Two weeks later, one of my best mates went to jail - hasn't received bail and from the look of it will be in there for a long long time). Yeah, It was a big year.Whilst I'm not thrilled about the other events, its obviously my brother that has got to me the most. My brother had severe autism, severe intellectual disability and epilepsy, so growing up it wasn't a normal sibling relationship I guess. He was my older brother (23, and I am 22) but I've always had to look after him, helping my parents out. We haven't had the easiest time with him - he was extremely violent for a large part of my life so there are some not very nice memories that I guess I have to re-deal with now. Yet, I've always been crazily overprotective of him, he's been such a major part of my life and always would have been - I would have been his guardian if anythign happened to ma n dad, which that responsibility always worried me. And now he's gone, that role is gone.His epilespy had never been under control. He died as result of a seizure in a spa - his lungs filled with water which caused cardiac arrest. CPR was performed for 32 minutes before they could get a pulse, which obviously isn't good for your brain. He was kept on life support for 24 hours (which in Australia is the legal requirement before you can pronounce someone braindead). Waiting for your brother to die for 24 hours.... words can't describe what that was like. And yet it makes me wonder. I don't know how families that have relatives diagnosed with terminal illness wait for months or years... that must be horrible.The first two weeks after he died... was easy. I think I was in shock/denial. I went back to work pretty quickly and I was fine. I did the eulogy at the funeral. Mingled at the wake. Then slowly, week by week its gotten a bit harder. Now, each day gets worse. Work - I'm a youth worker, so pretty much dealing with teenagers being frustrating is what I get paid for - and the last thing I feel like doing is putting up with other people's problems. A lot of my mates are hopeless - drug addicts or unemployed or just idiots, so same deal. Family is falling apart.I know at the end of the day, life goes on. I'll keep going, keep laughing, keep doing my thing. Sometimes though, you just want someone to cuddle you and tell you that everthing will be ok, instead of having to tell yourself that. Or being able to talk to someone and say that instead of only being able to say it anonymously on an internet forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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