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How do I answer basic questions


Tami4373

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My oldest son was recently murdered while celebrating his birthday. In an instant I went from 3 sons to 2. How do I answer the basic questions of: how many kids do you have? Is "J" your oldest child?

I'm stumped when I am asked these questions and answers that should roll of my tongue are now stuck in my throat.

Thank you in advance

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I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your son.

My brother also recently passed away on his birthday, and I have also been grappling with how I will answer these types of questions when people ask if I have any siblings. Personally I don't want to - I can't - simply say "no". I am not an only child. I grew up with a brother. He shaped my life. So I think when these questions come up, I will matter-of-factly say "I have a brother who passed away". I have to let go of the idea that I don't want to upset other people by mentioning his death, because it isn't my problem if they become upset. It isn't my fault that our society makes talking about death so uncomfortable.

I can't tell you what to say, because you will eventually figure out your own boundaries and comfort level. The fact is, you can still consider yourself the mother of three children - your son was and still is an important part of your life. If you feel like you want to elaborate further, that is up to you. You don't have to decide that you're always going to answer one certain way, either. It might depend on the situation, the person you're talking to, how you're feeling in that moment, etc.

Edit: I also want to say that it's okay for you to feel stumped and not know what to say, especially so soon after your loss. It is still a very raw and painful subject and no reasonable person would expect you to have figured out how to deal with everything right away.

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Chandra, thank you so much for your insight. My heart breaks for you at the loss of your brother. Seeing the pain my sons are going through, I send you peace and love.

My 18 year old has given me looks of disgust when I say "yes, he is my oldest" and I see the looks of pain from my 8 year old when I say no, my oldest has passed. I guess it is something that I have to figure out myself, and what is best for the family. This is all so new and raw.

I am thankful that after a full day of searching, I found this site

You will always be in my thoughts. Xoxo

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

My oldest son was recently murdered while celebrating his birthday. In an instant I went from 3 sons to 2. How do I answer the basic questions of: how many kids do you have? Is "J" your oldest child?

I'm stumped when I am asked these questions and answers that should roll of my tongue are now stuck in my throat.

Thank you in advance

First, I would like to say how very sorry for this tragic, tragic loss of your son. The pain of losing your child due to outright murder, I can only again say I am so sorry that someone would take away your precious son....Please come and post in the Loss of an Adult Child thread, you will find good people there who are willing to hear your pain and hold your hand during this difficult grief journey....each of us suffering our losses but joined together by the love of our children....

There are some there who have stayed for several years and have graciously helped us newer people along this new path in our lives -- we never wanted to be on, yet have to somehow trod onward....

Prayers for you and your family....

Jesse David's Mom, Laurie

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I agree with Laurie completely! Please do come and join us. You are most welcome. I too, am so very sorry for your loss. This is a place that you can talk openly and honestly about your feelings. We are all in the same situation.

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Tami, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my 5 year old daughter in 2011 in a drowning accident. She has 2 younger siblings. I have decided that when people ask me how many children I have, I will say 3. If I don't, I feel like I am denying that beautiful, wonderful little girl ever existed. That question is usually followed up by "how old are they?" I figure if people are going to ask the question, I'm going to tell them that I lost my oldest child. Some people don't react well which I expect. BUT, I've also had people share with me stories of loss in their lives - sometimes even children themselves. And when someone doesn't react well, I just hope and pray for them that they will never have to know what this is like. I'm so sorry again for your terrible loss.

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Tami, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my 5 year old daughter in 2011 in a drowning accident. She has 2 younger siblings. I have decided that when people ask me how many children I have, I will say 3. If I don't, I feel like I am denying that beautiful, wonderful little girl ever existed. That question is usually followed up by "how old are they?" I figure if people are going to ask the question, I'm going to tell them that I lost my oldest child. Some people don't react well which I expect. BUT, I've also had people share with me stories of loss in their lives - sometimes even children themselves. And when someone doesn't react well, I just hope and pray for them that they will never have to know what this is like. I'm so sorry again for your terrible loss.

I'm so sorry.

Is that her in your profile pic? She's adorable.

I like the idea of saying "I have 3 kids" or however many, even if you choose to elaborate on what happened or not.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

I'm so sorry.

Is that her in your profile pic? She's adorable.

I like the idea of saying "I have 3 kids" or however many, even if you choose to elaborate on what happened or not.

OOK, I noticed your post the other day on the sibling forum...I am sorry for the loss of your brother and the struggles you have with feeling so alone...come back and post...the most responded to thread is the Loss of an Adult Child, people will listen...

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tobyfreefoot

tami and chandra--i also encourage you to come to loss of an adult child. it is a very active forum of loving people who have had such losses. i lost my 28 year old 2 years ago. tami--i always say i have 4 children then if people ask further add more information. if i feel close to the person i may include the fact my oldest child died but i like angela could never deny my wildly life loving child's existence. as a matter of fact i am hoping he is playing with her beautiful daughter in the afterlife. chandra--my kids are very close and love there brother so much they are having a hard time coping. please come join us. a wonderful place to learn, share and be comforted.

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Mommysangelisabella

I had the same question last week the day after i found out my daughter had become an angel. The answer you are looking for is 3 . Your son may not be on this earth with us but he will forever be your son and as it sounds your oldest. If you choose to explain past that it is to your discretion. But you never hv to deny your feelings of your son does exist. My young sons still say they hv a baby sister but they say shes an angel now. I hv four childern 3 on earth 1 in heaven. I hope this helps.

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