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Panic and anxiety with grieving


LizzyW

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Does anyone else here experience this persistently? For the past few weeks, I have found myself getting more anxious and having panic attacks. I made an appointment to go to a therapist this Wednesday, hoping she can give me some insight, and help me grieve more effectively. My doctor gave me an rx for an anti-anxiety med, and I really hate to take stuff like that, but I'm feeling like it may be necessary for now. At least it helps me in my ability to function and focus.

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Thanks Ern. I figure it's probably not uncommon at all, and was just wondering if the people here have the same problem, and how they manage it. It's terrible to feel like you're slipping away, when you're used to being normally functional.

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So far I try to keep busy, but I find myself not being able to concentrate for very long. Music helps me, but can trigger memories then crying. Not that crying is a bad thing. I'm getting really good at that.

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So far I try to keep busy, but I find myself not being able to concentrate for very long. Music helps me, but can trigger memories then crying. Not that crying is a bad thing. I'm getting really good at that.

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I've been feeling like I wish I could cry, and can't. The first month, I spent most of my time crying and in anguish. Now, it's like there are no tears, and angst has replaced them.

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earlier on i had a couple of really nasty flashback/panic attacks, which thankfully havent repeated. ATM its more a general anxiety, just a constant sense of worry with nothing really to worry about, which gets really unpleasant every time i have to go and do anything specific. I got anxious about going to the supermarket for heavens sake!

I think its really important to talk this through with your therapist, cos panic attacks can be really debilitating. And angry is normal, trust me. You have every reason to be angry, and again its important to let that out safely. *hugs* youre having a really rough patch arent you Lizzy.....i hope you feel on a more even keel soon.

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Thanks catz. :)Yes, I am in a really low spot right now. I can't describe it as depression, though. I've had a history of both depression and anxiety, and have always been able to manage them without medicating myself, but then, my husband was essentially the rock that I clung to. I figure the fact that I am now alone has much to do with it.

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I've found my anxiety/panic and depression have severely worsened since the loss of my boyfriend. I have reccurant flashbacks of finding him which feel like I'm reliving the whole siuation over again. I too would describe my boyfriend as my rock, I've suffered from anxiety and depression for the past 3 years. He was the one who understood me. YOU'RE NOT ALONE! And I wish I had some answers to give you to make you feel better. I wake up in the morning and am physically sick from the anxiety, I've actually lost 25lbs in the past 3 months because of my loss of appetite. I can't even force myself to eat some days. I take and have tried several different medications to control my depression, which I still haven't found the right balance yet unfortunately because I feel like my depression is going to pull me down and I'll fall into a hole. When I was severely depressed 2 years ago, my boyfriend was the one who saved me from doing something stupid. Now that he's not here anymore, I don't have anyone else to go to. I go through episodes of being fine and "normal" and then have depressive episodes where I have to call out of work and lay in bed and cry all day. I'm hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel and I will one day feel better but I'm not optimistic. Sometimes I literally want to crawl out of myself and not be me anymore and just get rid of these feelings.

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I understand those feelings, Meaghan. It's very difficult to be in that place mentally and emotionally. Do you have friends or family who are supportive of you?

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I do have my family as well as his family but his family lives in Florida (We live in NJ). My family is supportive, but they just don't understand some things. I became really close to my boyfriend's sister-in-law who I talk to every day, but I'm still just missing my other half. I'm crying writing this bc I feel so completely hopeless and lonely. I just keep picturing his face when I found him that day.

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I can understand missing your other half. I miss mine too. He was essentially my anchor, and kept me grounded in some ways, and I kept him grounded in other ways. After 29 years together, and after 3 years together, as you had, it's like they become a part of your identity, and trying to form a new one will be extremely difficult. I wish I could give you some words of wisdom which would help heal you, but in the midst of a crisis like we have experienced, I believe it takes awhile, and essentially a restructuring of the way we think, feel, and perceive. We have been traumatized, and time will be required in order to establish our new selves. Every day is another day forward.

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Lizzy I went through the same thing for about 4 months. I went to the doctor because I was not sleeping and he gave me something to help sleep and once I started sleeping better the panic attacks got better. I still have them but have noticed its when I'm not sleeping well so now I only take meds when I've had a couple of sleepless nights. I'm not sure if this is the same for you but thought I would share Hope you are feeling better soon.

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Thanks Patsy. :) My doctor gave me an rx to help me relax, and I was very hesitant to take it at first, because I don't want to become dependent on them, but with the way things have been, I'm going to start taking them at least at night, and in the morning if I'm feeling unusually anxious. I'm thinking it's probably the stress from my sudden loss at the base of it, and hopefully, as I move through this process and am able to accept the reality more, and adjust my way of life, it will start subsiding.

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It's been 6 months for me and along about month 4 the panic attacks went from manageable to debilitating. A friend of mine had warned me for 6 weeks or so you will run on adrenaline, but when it wears off you crash. I went longer than the 6 weeks, but the crash has been in full swing for a month now.

I found a therapist and did the right thing an had gone to the doctor for assistance, but since I'm really practical I only took the pills if the panic attack was overwhelming. Sheer genius that! Cause I moved right into more severe ones where I am like a alzheimers patient and get lost driving just doing normal errands on roads I've been on a thousand times. Turns out those episodes are just a more severe type of panic attack!

Scared the life out of me as well.....

The panic hits me at all kinds of unexpected times and I just freeze up. Watching the tv show Hoarders of all things helps, since the counseling on there helps me walk thru difficult daily "decision making". Not the cleaning, but the "being stuck part' in my mind. If that makes sense? I find myself hyper-focusing on one thing and just getting stuck all over and over again.

For the first time in my life I've had to learn to say no, no to things I just can't do but it's confusing to my family and a few friends. I used to be a ball of fire and the go to girl for things...I just can't anymore. Right now I'm lucky I can take care of the property and remember to eat. That alone is like climbing MT. Everest. Like everyone else I've lost 20lbs, and apparently have "forgotten" how to cook.

In my head I know I have to cut myself some slack, but that's not translating into it happening.

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For the first time in my life I've had to learn to say no, no to things I just can't do but it's confusing to my family and a few friends. I used to be a ball of fire and the go to girl for things...I just can't anymore. Right now I'm lucky I can take care of the property and remember to eat. That alone is like climbing MT. Everest. Like everyone else I've lost 20lbs, and apparently have "forgotten" how to cook.

In my head I know I have to cut myself some slack, but that's not translating into it happening.

So sorry you are having these difficulties. At a time like this (our losses), it's okay to say no, and set your limits as to what you can tolerate. The forgetfulness is normal, according to what I understand, and the fogginess of mind is as well. Hang in there hon.
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Thank You Lizzy!

The brain-fog & all the other stuff blindsided me. Especially the panic attacks. This forum an my therapist are the only 2 places I can discuss any of this as no one, family or friends is understanding I'm NOT in any shape to be their resource or support right now.

One part of me is glad their view of me ISN'T a screwed up mess, the other half is furious they can't see I'm barely functioning! Admitting it was just horrific for me, standing up for myself unthinkable till the panic got to critical levels stopping me cold in my tracks.

I spent 11 yrs caretaking my husband and old habit's die hard. Thinking of myself first is just such a foreign concept! Realizing I have acquired such off-kilter habits has been shocking. Since the majority of my time had been taking care of him & the property now once the yard is done I come inside and just hit a wall.

Just the idea of "now what do I do?" sends me into panic cause it's something I never had to deal with before. In fact it never occurred to me just how much my day revolved around his illness.

In May when we got a cold snap I turned the furnace on.....it decided to go belly-up. Well 2 days later my cats were acting really weird and I was oblivious. That's when the "fun" started. I found a 5ft rat snake in my bedroom!.....hilarity ensued as I ran around trying to corral it. Since I have no depth perception just grabbing it was not gonna work, so I ran around like chicken little. Thank God a friend called and reminded me turning on some lights would be helpful? DUH !!!

After being assured this was just a isolated thing I began to calm down, until the next morning and I found another one in the dining room......sigh.....they were in my ductwork. I found 3 altogether.....Needless to say this set me back just a little bit!!! LOL

My home is rural, so in better times it would have just been a funny story, now it felt like I had lost total control of the house and just another slap in the face!

btw it is funny now....I mean who the heckity gets snakes in their ductwork? :D

Needless to say after finding the second one I called my daughter an we tossed the entire house. The realization it had been in my bedroom for gosh knows how long really creeped me out an pointed out just how dumb I am.

The snake is in the red bucket.....pic's or it didn't happen don't cha know? ROFL!!!

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Brokenwing702

Oh yes, the anxiety and panic attacks. I still have them but its not even 2 months for me. I rely heavily on meds and I don't give a damn. I get can't get of bed and function without them. My shrink increased my antidepressant and it's starting to help I think. They come when you don't expect them at all, don't they? I will taper off if and when I ever feel better. They really do help and I try to take just what has been prescribed for the sake of my kids and grand kids. If not for them, I might take them all at once.

I, too, was a caregiver for my husband for over six years. Our main purpose in life was keeping them alive and comfortable so now that its time to take care of ourselves, who cares anymore?

Can't tell you when it will start to get better. Still waiting. We call all support each other through these forums.

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.

I, too, was a caregiver for my husband for over six years. Our main purpose in life was keeping them alive and comfortable so now that its time to take care of ourselves, who cares anymore?

Can't tell you when it will start to get better. Still waiting. We call all support each other through these forums.

Hopefully, we all care about us taking care of ourselves. It's hard to do, I know. Just try to keep in mind that your husband would want you to take care of yourself, as would your children and grandchildren. Hugs to you hon, and hang in there. Eventually, we will be better.
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I have found myself wishing I would die lately. I don't want to be here anymore. And this morning I was praying that God would let me get cancer or something so I would go. I can hardly stand going on anymore without my husband. LizzyW, I can totally relate to you. My husband had a double organ transplant in 2003 and was disabled for 10 years. I feel so lost and so totally useless. Nobody needs me. I also feel like I am setting myself up for a total disaster. My 85 year old mother lives with me. I can't even imagine having to go through this grief crap again.

This whole thing just sucks big time. I'm miserably unhappy but smile. I'm always sobbing inside...not just crying but full blown, heart breaking sobbing yet I can't let it show. Nobody asks how I'm doing anymore, not that I dwell on that kind of crap but still, it is still so raw to me, why isn't it to everyone else?

Panic attacks...everytime I think about my situation. And because I'm at work I have to internalize it. This can't be good for you. I got some audio files from GriefShare.org and have been listening to them but they are just getting me more upset. Wonder how many people get upset from them? Should I tell them? I'm rambling now...I better go.

Judy

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I have found myself wishing I would die lately. I don't want to be here anymore. And this morning I was praying that God would let me get cancer or something so I would go.

I'm so sorry, for your loss and those feelings. I wish I could say I've never had them. If not for my parents and my best friend's mother, I probably would.
Nobody needs me. My 85 year old mother lives with me.
Seems to me these 2 statements contradict themselves :) Just pointing out that at least (at least) one person clearly does need you. And most of all, YOU need you, if you follow me. You've been through hell and back - don't you think you deserve to treat yourself better than to just not care at all? Just a thought (and pls understand I can relate to that feeling as well).
This whole thing just sucks big time. I'm miserably unhappy but smile. I'm always sobbing inside...not just crying but full blown, heart breaking sobbing yet I can't let it show.
May I suggest you try grief counseling. Not some general psychologist but a grief counselor...if possible, one who has suffered a terrible loss as well (a surprising number have, it seems to me). If nothing else it will give you an outlet, so you CAN cry or unload whatever it is you need to. It's not fair to you to hold all that in.
Nobody asks how I'm doing anymore, not that I dwell on that kind of crap but still, it is still so raw to me, why isn't it to everyone else?
Remember what you said about holding it in? Maybe others are doing that to some extent or other too. Anyway, my answer regardless would be because they haven't suffered the loss you have. Only you lost your partner when he left. As for not asking how you are/etc, don't get me started on people disappearing.....though I will say that when others suffered such a loss, I probably wasn't much better, so I try to be forgiving there. Human nature, it seems. Annoying to put it mildly, but doesn't mean it's about them or you specifically is my point.
I got some audio files from GriefShare.org and have been listening to them but they are just getting me more upset.
Then don't listen to them. I am a HUGE believer in "go with what works" in this situation. To hell with what anyone or even you think "should" work. Go with results not theory! :) (PS I'm curious, I'll have to check this out)

Take care Judy, and all of you.

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So i guess im not alone in wishing for a nice quick heart attack when ive felt at my lowest....strangely thats reassuring, and its even more so to be able to say it here and not have people leaping down my throat with adages about how "suicide is no answer!!!" etc etc.....i know that, just as i know that there IS no answer, which is probably why ive thought about leaving it all behind me. I cant tho. I have to live to do the things i promised i would. And i know the feeling about people leaving you to deal alone, Jude.....i live alone, and if it wasnt for my weekly counselling sessions, i could easily go whole weeks at a time without speaking to another human being. i guess this is where being a loner most of my life comes home to roost. Even my best friend has distanced herself cos she cant deal with it, which is ok i guess. I can understand that, cos funnily enough, im LIVING it, and i KNOW its hard. Shes always been a people person tho, and i dont think its occurred to her that im totally alone cos she never is. The trouble is i guess, that they dont know what its like and seeing us in such pain is hard, not to mention being a reminder to them that, "yes it can all be gone in the blink of an eye" and no one wants to be reminded of that.

I would say that if you want to cry, then cry...the more you hide it, the harder the sobs come. These things have a nasty tendency to build up if we dont acknowledge them. I understand your fear with your mother too. I truly dont know how id cope with the possibility of another bereavement at this point either....it must be really terrifyling *hugs* Yes this all sucks, and its horribly unfair, but unfortunately its just the way it is. Ill leave you with the fact that youve already proven how strong you are by getting this far, you can go the rest of the way, just dont look at the mountain, only the next step, or even half step....and remember, cry if you want to.

Anyone else that is having problems with panic attacks please seek professional help as they can be a real problem, not to mention being scary and a horrible thing to have to go through.

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I have found myself wishing I would die lately. I don't want to be here anymore. And this morning I was praying that God would let me get cancer or something so I would go. I can hardly stand going on anymore without my husband. LizzyW, I can totally relate to you. My husband had a double organ transplant in 2003 and was disabled for 10 years. I feel so lost and so totally useless. Nobody needs me. I also feel like I am setting myself up for a total disaster. My 85 year old mother lives with me. I can't even imagine having to go through this grief crap again.

Judy

I think it's probably quite normal to wish you would die at times. Sometimes it seems that it is the only relief from the pain of dealing with a loss this severe. Please hang in there Judy. Other people need you, even if it doesn't seem like it. Try to have some mercy on yourself, just as those who love you would. I know it's not easy, because I am the queen of self-recrimination, but please try to be kind and understanding to yourself. You are just as deserving of life and happiness as anyone else is. Bless you, and I'll keep you in my thoughts.
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MissingDaniel

HeyJude, my heart breaks for you. I understand so much of what you are feeling, but I truly hope that you can find something in this life that engages you, makes you feel like you have something to go on for. My kids are what keeps me going, because they are young and need me. Not sure how I'd be feeling if not for them. But I have some of the same feelings sometimes.....

I truly believe that your husband would not want you to feel this hopeless, and would want you to find a way to go on and to find some happiness in this world. Easier said than done, I know. Just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers - blessings to you!

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Thank you everyone, for reading, for caring and for your heartfelt replies. Yesterday was a bad day. I know we all have them. Today is a little bit better...just a little. I never in my life imagined that I could miss someone so much. My husband was my best friend. We were/are loners too so now I feel completely isolated. I do have my mother and I need her far more than she needs me. She is 85 but can run circles around me. She has lost a son, a daughter and a husband as well as the parents, etc. and handles it so incrediably well. I wish I were more like her. I try to be but then, when I'm alone, I break down.

My husband used to call me everyday, several times and he always said "Hello sweet cheeks!" I miss that so much. I could kick myself for not saving a voice mail. I can't even remember the sound of his voice.

I think that I am going to accompany my mother to church Sunday. That would be MAJOR for me. Part of me wants to just continue on being the loner that I have become. But something else is giving me this desire to get out amoung the living again. I work but I sit alone in my office all day long, only leaving to go fix my lunch. No one talks. It is a very weird place.

I live in a very very rural area. We don't have Grief Counselors. Our local funeral home tried starting a Grief Share class but I don't think anyone signed up, there just are not enough people around here. So I got the audio files and some of them are good and some don't apply at all.

If I knew my husband, and I did know him probably better than he knew himself, then I know that he is shocked that he is dead. He died after a long illness but he had recovered. He wasn't suppose to just die. He probably found out he was out of his body and totally freaked out. I know that he didn't want this for me, we talked about it a lot. He always promised me that he would be here for a long long time. And of course, I believed him. I still just cannot believe he is gone.

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HeyJude, I think it's a wonderful sign that you are having the urge to get out and visit with people more. If it is of any consolation to you, the stories I've read by people who almost die, and come back, and can remember being in that in-between place, report that the sensation is one of total peace and well-being, and I would expect that to be the same for your husband as well. I believe that when we leave this life and go beyond, that much of the emotional turmoil and ties to the earth are relieved, and we can feel at peace with everything around us, because so much of our emotional structure is physical chemicals and neurotransmitters in the body/brain itself. When the body is no longer alive, whatever remains probably isn't subject to the emotional suffering that we all go through as humans. Hang in there hon- we're all rooting for you, and for each other.

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It is so very difficult to learn how to continue on. When we (myself included) have been in that kind of long term soulmate relationship, I think our personalities merge to some extent, then when that other part is torn away we suffer this incredible sadness and grief and have to somehow expand to fill the gap and become whole again. Everybody is different, grief makes it's own rules for each of us, but what has helped me a lot is making some minor changes to my environment. Changed our bedroom by putting on a new bedspread set and moving the bed, new rugs and towels in the bathroom, moved her chair, etc. The biggest thing I have done is to get rid of both cars and get something different, but I'm a believer in not making any major changes until we have healed enough to think logically again. I think we have to get out and make new friends, find new activities, and so on. Staying busy is my way of coping, I dread a rainy weekend stuck inside our house.

We are on a journey it seems, but without any real map, just some caring and sharing from others who are also traveling in the same general direction. Hang in.

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HeyJude the first time I went out with friends it was hard I felt guilty for having a good time I cried all the way home and said I would never do it again but I know my husband would not want me to be so unhappy so even though I don't want to go once I get out I do have a good time. Of all the things we have to miss isn't it strange that we miss the smallest things, things that we or I took for granted in life with before grief. My husband also called me a few times a day and I so miss picking up the phone and hearing him say Oh Baby Doll or saying how's my bride today ( after 23 years of marriage). We will all some how get through this.

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On top of the panic attacks, the fear when I was unable to complete simple tasks shocked me silly. To go from being super-competent to dribbling idiot who was buffaloed by grocery shopping or yard work has just been the icing on the cake!

Sorry you are in a rough patch Catz!

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Silvergirl61

There are so many things, in this post, that i have felt, and some i still feel, and some i really struggle with at times.

Right now.. I just hurt for all of us, and I miss him so very much....and I'm just so tired of waking up from a bad dream to this nightmare! I just have to though, because some day, it will end....and maybe tomorrow, it won't be as bad. It's all maybes, and i don't know any more.

I miss my best friend..he'd understand, and he could always talk me through any set of trials. I just keep trying to make it through the days, till it gets better . It will or it won't, and I find it hard to care which tonight. So, no, you aren't alone.

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Im sorry youre going thru a rough time atm SG ( yeah, i know....theyre all rough, but its relative). Youre right, all we can do is carry on, with no guarantee that it WILL get better, just the hope that it will.

I just wish there was some logic to it all. Last night i didnt sleep at all well, and for some reason i had a really intense flashback to finding Alex. It was so clear, i could feel how cold he was....see how blue his lips were....ive seen enough death to know what they meant, but once again i relived that inabilty to accept that, the shock...this CANT be real, its not true.... the need to MAKE him live damnit!!

It was horrible then, and it was horrible last night. And i dont know why it came back so vividly. Its scary, and stressful and i dont get it. I dont need to be reminded of it...i was THERE for crying out loud.

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Silvergirl61

I'm so sorry you are going through that , too. So many of these things on this thread are things that have and are happening to me, and it seems , all of you, too. I was so mortified and frightened, when i somehow took a wrong turn on the way to work...and had no idea where i was, or why i had gone there, instead of to a place i had been too many times to count!

Last night, for some awful reason known only to my brain..it replayed the scenes from the night i lost him in vivid color for me...and I could see it all just like it was happening again..and i could hear myself screaming and crying, and begging him to come back to me...and it just shatered all the calm I had built up.

I spoke with my doctor about it today..he told me, that he was expecting this to happen at some point, and said it's because of the deep trauma...that our minds will block out details of things, until they are ready to process them..and then it's almost as fresh as brand new, because it has been kept back until we are strong enough to take it out, and deal with it. He said its a good thing, and a sign that i will recover now, where he wasn't sure i ever would , since it has been so long...and I don't know if i truly believe that..but he also said, to expect it to happen again, and maybe to experience some dreams for awhile. He says it's normal for this to occur, when the shock begins to wear off enough to allow you to begin to really heal from an emotional blow too heavy to bear. I had thought i had remembered most of it, but apparently, not.

I don't think i can be strong enough..i really don't.

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I feel so bad for those of you who saw your loved one pass. I didn't get to see my husband. In fact, once they got him to the funeral home I couldn't even go see him then. I knew I would totally loose it and would end up on the floor and then probably in a padded cell for a while. I am glad now that I didn't see him because I sure don't want his corpse to be the last memory of him. I saw him the night before. He was sitting up in his bed, had a partially eaten sandwich and was talkative. That is how I will remember him. And of course all the years of film strips that keep playing over and over in my head.

I'm not having anxiety or panic per say. But I am having this very strong and determined longing to die. I would never do anything to cause my own death but I have been praying and praying for the Lord to take me too. I just can't go on...I can't. I miss my husband so much. He is all that I had. We never had any children of our own. I do have a stepson that he had from a previous marriage. I have been stepmom since this child was 3 so it is like he is my own. But I don't have any children of my own. There is no one around to even care if I live or not. I am all alone in Alabama. The majority of my family and friends are in California. And I'm in a financial position where I just can't quit working and go back. I cry every single day because I miss my husband so much and I pray harder and harder for myself to die. I can't do this folks. I am crushed beyond anything I have ever known. When you have been with someone for 34 years you become one with that person. I want to be with Jerry, sooner than later.

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HeyJude, have you seen a therapist or counselor? It is something that might help you in dealing with your grief, or maybe some grief support groups would help. It sounds like you might benefit from not feeling so personally isolated, and by reaching out to others, or letting them reach out to you. I can understand the way you are feeling, and I hope you can eventually find the will to live on and go forward in your life. What would your husband want you to do?

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No, I haven't been to a therapist but think that maybe it would help, if I can find one that is!! I'm out in the middle of BFE if you know what I mean.

My son and his wife used to call me all the time but it has really trickled off now and I know that is normal. I always tell them I'm doing fine. I have my mother with me but she is so strong and just kind of yells at me to get over it. What would my husband want?? I don't know. I know he would be worried about me, very worried. I really believe that he would want me with him. Crap...I'm a mess this morning. I better just shut up before everybody thinks I'm a real basket case.

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No, I haven't been to a therapist but think that maybe it would help, if I can find one that is!! I'm out in the middle of BFE if you know what I mean.

My son and his wife used to call me all the time but it has really trickled off now and I know that is normal. I always tell them I'm doing fine. I have my mother with me but she is so strong and just kind of yells at me to get over it. What would my husband want?? I don't know. I know he would be worried about me, very worried. I really believe that he would want me with him. Crap...I'm a mess this morning. I better just shut up before everybody thinks I'm a real basket case.

Hon- most of us ARE basket cases right now. We've lost a part of our identities as humans. It takes quite some time to come to terms with it, and go on. Have patience with yourself, and try to do something nice for yourself. Hugs to you. :)

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Jude, please do look into couselling or therapy. Its SO important that you can talk to someone about how you are feeling. Its especially vital for those of us without a family and frien network. I too have no kids, and no family close, and was slightly surprised to realise last week, that my counsellor was the only human id actually spoken, face to face, to, all week. I NEED that time. Its just an hour eack week, but i know i can talk about Alex, his death, my feelings....all those things that bring that panicked look to most peoples eyes.I know my cousellor will just listen and offer advice here and there. I also know she wont try to "buck me up" or change the subject cos she uncomfortable. I have to say, i was less than thrilled with the idea of going to a counsellor initially, but im very glad i did. Please give it a try Jude, i think it will be useful, and lets be honest, every little bit helps.

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Silvergirl61

Hey Jude-

Please try and hang on..and give yourself time to feel better. I know how hard it is to be alone. But hon, would you want jerry to feel like you do, and be hurting and wishing to die, if it had been you that was gone? Or would you be watching and trying to comfort if you could, and hoping he would find happiness again? No-one you love ever really leaves you completely..not as long as you can still feel them with your heart. Love is eternal and it never dies..and I truly hope you will be able to find some peace soon. It comes, maybe in little pieces of time, at first..but it comes. Give yourself some time,please?

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I am doing much better this morning, thanks everyone. I definetely am going to check into therapy. I am expecting to hear something soon, I started a search for grief counceling in my area.

This has all been so weird. My husband was very much a loner. Which made me a loner. But now, all the sudden, I am finding myself connecting with long lost friends via Facebook. It has been really exciting and it actually makes me feel happiness inside again. I know we can all expect these periods of mourning and grief but it seems like I have a little bit of sunshine breaking on the horizon. I have connected with old high school friends, very very close friends and even an old boyfriend! It's crazy! If Jerry were alive he would not like the idea so I feel a little bit of freedom all the sudden. I kind of feel bad saying that because I was not a hostage in any means.

So...today is a better day. I hope it lasts...

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MissingDaniel

I'm so glad to hear that, Jude. Good for you! I have found that connecting with other people, even when I think I don't necessarily feel like it, always helps me feel better in the long run. And Facebook has been a big part of that for me. Don't feel bad about what you are doing. I'm sure it would make Jerry happy that you have found something that is making you feel better. Blessings to you :)

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Jude- I am so glad to hear that. Keep holding on to every ray of sunshine in your life, and I'm glad you've decided to seek therapy. It may very well help you immensely. Hugs to you, and let us know how it's going.

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brucealmighty

Hi LizzyW,

I'm very bad at reading what other people have said to you already, so I'm sorry if this has already been mentioned.

YES, absolutely. If you are okay with medication, I highly recommend xanax or some kind of anti-depressent. I am awful at concentrating whether it's a work or trying to listen to a friend tell me a story due to my grief. I hope you've found something that works for you since you've posted. Some people are against medication, however, I think you need to do whatever you need to do to get through this.

A glass of wine every now and then also helps....

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Hi LizzyW,

I'm very bad at reading what other people have said to you already, so I'm sorry if this has already been mentioned.

YES, absolutely. If you are okay with medication, I highly recommend xanax or some kind of anti-depressent. I am awful at concentrating whether it's a work or trying to listen to a friend tell me a story due to my grief. I hope you've found something that works for you since you've posted. Some people are against medication, however, I think you need to do whatever you need to do to get through this.

A glass of wine every now and then also helps....

Thanks :) My doctor did give me an rx for Ativan, and it does help when I take it. I try not to take it very often, because I don't want to completely avoid the real issue of grieving, but if I really need it, I don't hesitate. I really don't want to go the anti-depressant route if I can help it. Some of the side effects frankly scare me just a little. My doctor also gave me a rx for a beta-blocker, to help and prevent palpitations, but I have discovered that the side effects are more uncomfortable (to me) than the elevated heart rate, so I weaned myself down week before last, and stopped taking it last Monday. I'm still having some effects from it, but they should alleviate within a few weeks. Generally, I am feeling a little better. I joined a yoga class last week, and am trying to become more active. The heat is an issue right now, but I think that an increase in activity would do me some good.

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Hi LizzyW,

I'm very bad at reading what other people have said to you already, so I'm sorry if this has already been mentioned.

YES, absolutely. If you are okay with medication, I highly recommend xanax or some kind of anti-depressent. I am awful at concentrating whether it's a work or trying to listen to a friend tell me a story due to my grief. I hope you've found something that works for you since you've posted. Some people are against medication, however, I think you need to do whatever you need to do to get through this.

A glass of wine every now and then also helps....

I agree on all counts :)

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Wellbutrin has been a miracle drug for me, lifting the black cloud and allowing me to better cope with reality. That and vitamins and exercise really help. When I feel like exercising the least is when I need it the most, if you know what I mean.

I live in a small town also, but do work in a larger city, so therapy has been easier for me to find (and I'm not too macho to admit I need it). You might start with your pastor, if you have one, or likely there is a ministerial alliance that you can contact to see what is available in the local area, and some clergy have grief counseling training/experience. Of course, your doctor is always a good place to check for referrals. Please, do yourself the favor of finding somebody with the training to help guide you on this journey.

Good luck.

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