Dont feel like doing anything, I just exist

[Sammijo2424]

Tomorrow will be 5 months since my husband died. Thought I was doing pretty good until the last two weeks, tomorrow will be two weeks since I went and picked out gravemarker. Since then I just seem to be spiraling down into a deep hole of despair. I constantly think on that night I took him to ER, him walking in, actually waiting in waiting room to be seen, him talking to me, yes difficult when they much him on c-pap machine but still communicating, intubating him, me thinking it was just to let his lungs get some needed rest after them telling me he had severe pneumonia. He had been sick with what we both thought flu, I was sick too, just not as sick as him, I had gotten better. The helicopter arrived to take him to larger hospital, spending 2 hrs on the drive there, seeing them perform CPR so many times. I had begged for them to just let me stay, I am a RN, that if he was going to die I just wanted to be with him. I am having so much trouble sleeping the last few weeks, will fall asleep 15-45 mins and then wide awake for an hour or two, and that is with me taking sleep aid, I am so exhausted during day from lack of any decent sleep. Have stopped going church, just got so tired of going and crying most of service. Don't feel like doing anything. I have done many things since he died...been to California, beach for week with kids and grand babies, they are now working on yard and just finished very nice fence, have had LASIK surgery, been to kids houses many, many times, doing things with a friend, planning trip to Cabo with daughter, another trip to California for 10 days since one of my daughters has moved there. So, I am doing things, seeing a grief counselor every two weeks, praying, doing all the stuff I know to do, but everything I do I have to force myself when it comes down to actually going thru with it I just don't want to, it is a huge battle with me, myself and I, spend much of my time in bed, just staring in t.v. Trying to write in journal. Just still can't believe he is gone, that I will never see him again until I get to heaven. I have lost both mother and Daddy, survived many losses, but this...this has got to be the hardest thing I have ever been forced to endure, I just miss him so much, I just want him to hold me so badly. I don't work, am disabled, plenty of things I could be doing around house but just have no get up and go, no spunk, I just exist.

[Brokenwing702]

Sammijo, it seems to me like you are doing very well. It's only been 6 weeks for me and I can't even imagine getting on a plane to see the kids. They come here but I don't even like leaving the house. I think you are very strong and are doing a lot. All I can do is read and go to movies. Only escape. You put it very well though about just existing now. I bet most of us feel that way. I know I do. Good luck. This is a good forum for venting and advice.

[LizzyW]

I'm so sorry to hear this, and I understand, as I have been feeling the same way. No spunk, no energy, no motivation to do anything. Some days, it's hard to even drag myself out of bed.

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

I've always burried myself in work for family support and at home, I was always working on something. Now There are moments I can lose myself at work and feel knormal one of the guy's just getting the job done, THen a switch flips and I find myself just sitting or standing there for who knows how long just lost, not even remembering what I was working on. and the same thing at home. I force myself to get some projects done and lose myself playing with my boy's. I find myself just like you said existing, just going through the motions, not enjoying these things like I used to. The zest for life has dwindled and I am seeking to get it back desperately I've always kept my head up in dire situations but this one has too much gravity to fight..

[catz]

oh me too. Just lately its all been too much. I dont want to do anything or think or go anywhere. Im just plodding along and i dont know why anymore. I feel for all of you, lost in this feeling...or lack of feeling, cos even the despair seems muffled and grey. Its not a nice place to be.......you feel like youre dead too, in all but name, even tho youre still breathing, moving. Its like im just waiting to die myself which sounds terrible but is just how i feel. Im not hurrying it along, but i wouldnt be sad if it came tomorrow either.........if it wasnt for the pets. i have to look after them. Sometimes its my ONLY tie to here.

[LizzyW]

That's it, exactly, catz. I feel like my life has no direction or purpose anymore. I am not motivated to do anything, and I'm forcing myself to go to work two days a week. I have two cats to feed, I've pretty much let my garden go for the season, and I don't feel like doing anything at all. Coming from someone who is normally highly motivated, it's a huge shift for me.

[widower2]

y'all are right on schedule, basically. I know how bad it is for it to take so long, but it does. Even 5 months really isn't that long in the big picture of all this. It takes a great deal of time to work through...but while it might not seem like it much of the time, I suspect you are going in the right direction. Hang in there!

[Peabody1953]

At four weeks and back to work for one week - I do not yet have the moments described " There are moments I can lose myself at work and feel knormal one of the guy's just getting the job done, Then a switch flips and I find myself just sitting or standing there for who knows how long just lost" I am working halfway around the world from my home, and it is all I can do just to show up. I am not doing my work, and not caring about the consequences. I am scared about how long this will go on - I feel like I jut began grieving. Reading novels to keep from absessing.

[LizzyW]

At four weeks and back to work for one week - I do not yet have the moments described " There are moments I can lose myself at work and feel knormal one of the guy's just getting the job done, Then a switch flips and I find myself just sitting or standing there for who knows how long just lost" I am working halfway around the world from my home, and it is all I can do just to show up. I am not doing my work, and not caring about the consequences. I am scared about how long this will go on - I feel like I jut began grieving. Reading novels to keep from absessing.

That loss of concentration seems to be pretty normal. I have found myself doing the same thing at times. It takes a special effort just to do the tasks at hand, and too much noise and distraction makes it very difficult for me. I have been reading a lot, and listening to soothing music- either smooth jazz or classical, to help calm my frame of mind. I don't even want to watch the news anymore, because it's nothing but drama and sadness these days. Hang in there. This is a rough journey to take, but with time, it will lessen in intensity. I lost a son back in '95, and thought I would never feel at ease again, but eventually I did. This is another test of my ability to cope- very different circumstances, and different responses.

[OldGeek]

Physical tasks help me a lot. Distracts me and wears me out so I can sleep.

[Sammijo2424]

Today I went to grocery store to pick up a few things. I decided to cook some real food tonight (first time since husband died) . I went past jelly and preserves. Just stood there and cried looking for my husband's favorite, pear preserves. It amazes me how the smallest things can set me off. Just so dog-gone hard, and have to say...I hate this life.

[Guest]

Sammijo, I find the strangest and smallest things will trigger my emotional breaks. Your are not alone in this. Sometimes I feel like I am outside my body, looking on as a third person. If it weren't so painful it would be interesting. You are not alone. May peace find us all.

Ern

[Peabody1953]

After several days of total fog, I had a quasi-normal work day yesterday - and I was totally exhausted near the end. So some of the fog, the profound sadness that has rendered me useless and untouchable, lifted for a while yesterday, and that was good.

To manage personal financial afairs, I need to go into my wife's e-mail account. I forward the e-mail to my account. I invariably forget to ready myself before opening my e-mail account, and when I do, her name pops up, as if she just sent the e-mail. As we were physicaly separated due to my work for the 15 months prior to her death, we comminicated a great deal through e-mail. I looked forward to all she sent - sometimes her words were the highlight of my day. When I see her forwarded e-mail in my box, my heart leaps, then crashes.

I guess this is how it will go - for a long time. For those of you still in the fog, I wish you a quasi normal day. It is a respite from the depths.

[HeyJude]

Gosh, I HAD to go back to work after 7 work days off. If I could have had my way I would have gone out on disability and never gone back. But I have bills to pay so I couldn't. It helped. Sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. I do cry at my desk. I have a private office so no one knows.

I also feel bad here because my bad days aren't even close to what some of you folks experience. We were married for 32 1/2 yrs, together a year longer. He was my best friend, my soul mate, the only man that I can say I ever really loved. I miss him terribly but I do go on. I do wish I would die, I'm ready. At 56 I don't really see a future of great happiness for me. Gosh, Jerry was so worried that something would happen to me. What was he going to do it I were gone?? He always said that I knew him better than he knew himself. And now, here I am wonding what I'm going to do now that he is gone. I don't want him gone, I want my husband back more than anything in the world.

I have found a lot of comfort in reading things about life after death. I truly believe. I just wish I could communicate with him in some way because there are things I need to tell him and I need to KNOW that he hears me. Maybe some of you should read up on the afterlife. It has helped me a lot.

[catz]

Youre brave to go back to work so soon Jude, tho like we always say here, whatever works for you. I know i wouldnt have coped, even had i had a job. I find im not good at coping with extra stress atm. I just freeze up mentally,like a deer in headlights.

As for the afterlife, i would like to believe, in fact, i DO believe, that we dont just stop, im just not so sure i believe any particular methodology i guess youd call it. In saying that, a friend of mine who is a 'sensitive' ( she believes in what she does...who am i to argue) was around just after Alex died, and turned to me suddenly with tears pouring down her face and said....he wants to say sorry for leaving you like that. Its really important to him that you know hes so sorry. He didnt get a chance to fight, it was all over before he even knew what was happening. He says he loves his catzy, and hes happy he can tell you how sorry he is.

Lile i say, she believed every word, and it was comforting to me because i knew that he WOULD want to say just that, but i guess everyone makes up thier own minds.