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My dad has cancer....


Kelly

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It all began last year at the end of November, my dad was bleeding in his stools and then started vomiting with some blood, was admitted to ER and then he went to the hospital.  After 4 days they did several studies and found that he had a neoplasia, a tumor, he needed emergency surgery, 7 blood transfussions, only to find out the tumor cannot be removed, the Dr had to cut part of his small intestines and stomach, then put it all back together and tried to aisle the tumor the most he could, however the place where the tumor is cannot be operated.  He is 76....he was able to spend Xmas with us, his birthday and so far he is still with us, no pain or anything, however due to money issues (I am the main caregiver, my sister does nothing) and because of his age the Dr thinks a Chemo will basically shorten his life instead of adding months.  He doesn't know anything, my mom doesn't want to tell him.

I am newly pregnant and I just need someone to tell me how you make it thru the days, right now he is not bad, still walking, talking, smiling...but knowing the Dr said 6-12 months is something I cannot erase from my mind...I am so at loss...He has been the greatest dad, he gave all his life for us to be better, not only my mom but also my sister and I.  Sometimes I think he just does not deserves to suffer, does not deserves to have Cancer.  I am so afraid of him suffering....

I hope I can met others that tell me how you make it thru...how you cope, how do you find the balance.  I have not been able to enjoy my long awaited pregnancy as I battled with Infertility for more than 6 years and now I am pregnant and cannot fully enjoy the moment just thinking that maybe my Dad won't even get to meet his grandchild.

I am heartbroken, depressed and feel so alone!

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Not to mention that during those 9 days my dad was at the hospital, I slept on a chair every nigh, lost 12 pounds and wore off myself, what if something happens now that I am pregnant? I won't be able to care for him like I did, he has now a lady that stays with him and my mom every day and sleeps at the house, it's costing me a fortune but they really need it...but then I will feel so guilty not being there...I know worrying now for what has not happened is pointless...still it cannot be taken out of my mind...

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justnicki

Karolynca,

     I don't have much offer, but I know some of where you're at.  My dad's been slowly dying for about 10 years now.  This past year it's been cancer that's the problem. 

    I try and go to work, and keep up with my life, but sometimes I just need to take time to cry and feel whatever else that I'm feeling.  When the news is bad, I've usually got time that I can take off... usually a day will do it.  My office knows the story now.

    My father has refused chemo... though they (he, my mom and his doctors) are considering radiation.

    You aren't alone... I've been thinking how when I finally ever decide to marry, my father won't be there.

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karolynca

Thanks so much for your reply! I try to take it easy too..sometimes it just doesn't work.  I am so sorry what you are living with your dad, wow 10 years is so much time I will keep you and him in my prayers.  I also think how my dad may not be here when my first son/daughter is born and that usually gets me really depressed.

My father won't be receiving Chemo...doctor think he is so delicate any of those treatments could potentially kill him faster....:(

Sending many hugs to you and I hope we can keep in contact.

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4everjoeysmom

Karolynca, I'm so sad for what you are facing with your dad, and so sad that in this you are unable to have the full joy of being pregnant.  Maybe a part you feels guilty if you feel a bit of joy out of context with your grieving.  One thing, as hard as it is to do, is you need to try as much as possible to embrace the reality that you you can't change what you have no control over.  I mean, I'm sure you know this, but think on this if you can...  You could do something about the caregiving, and in turn, as much as a financial burdon as it is, you now don't have to carry the stress of being a round-the-clock caregiver.  This is very good in terms of you needing your rest too.  You waited a long time for this baby, as you said.  You need to do waht you can to not jeopardize  the pregnancy--and stress can do very bad things, so please rest when you can and take breaks from the stress of being in the thick of things all the time.  What you can do is share yoru pregnancy with your dad, as sad as you are.  This will bring him joy too.  And though he may not be here when s/he is born, you can give him as much as your baby now as possible by sharing your experiences--like first time you feel baby move, names, maybe you and your dad could work together (you of course doing all th writing and recording) on a genealogy scrapbbok for baby...and take pictures of your belly, your dad and you through the stages of pregnancy, and as much details as your dad shares about his generations past, his boyhood, his lifestory...  You can add grandma's geneaology and photos as well as photos of you as a little girl.  You could ask your dad to make a voice recording, make a videotape or many, and have him wrote a letter or inscription for the book especially to your little one.  All of these things would be very special to present to your child as s/he grows up, and it could make these times with your dad so very full and joy-filled, even though sorrow looms.  What is difficult but not impossible to do is don;t let the loss to come consume so much of your thinking that you don't focus on living through the now and making the most of every moment you have left.  I'm so sure it is ripping your heart into a million pieces.  It's unavoidable.  But just love on him and allow yourself to share and enjoy what he has left that is precious and good--you, your mom, your baby, your TIME.  And also know that when it gets overwhelming, go and rest, cry, write, visit here and post, and know that you don;t ever have to go through your pain alone.  Hugs and prayers being sent your way, Claudia

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justnicki

Karolynca,

    Claudia's right about making lasting memories of your dad for both you and your baby... I've asked for a tape from my dad, my mom's going to help him with making it.  Other things that I've worked on without him are scrapbooks for my sister's daughters, with special memories of him in them.

     I know that my dad has some incredible stories of things that happened in his life and at one point in time he loved to tell them.  Hopefully your dad is a storyteller as well.

     I'd love to keep in touch.

Nicki

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karolynca

Those are such great ideas!!! thanks so much for sharing them, specially the story stuff, he loves to tell stories about old era...I am trying to keep myself busy and live this thing one day at a time, don't worry about tomorrow and simply try to enjoy him as much as possible.

Claudia:  Thanks so much for your post...at least I am being given some time to share with my dad.

I think what's really killing me is that only 2 years ago I lost my brother in law in an airplane accident and that destroyed us all beyond words can describe, so young at only 28 and such a beautiful soul and now this...thinking my baby won't have an uncle and now won't have one of the grandpa's is killing me.

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Things have been "quiet" for a week now, he is eatting ok and has good spirit, today I did noticed some yellow color in his eyes.  I know the Dr. mentioned that one of the main organs around to where the cancer could spread was the liver, I think it's maybe already there by now.  The other day I wished for him to pass away fast and without pain and I felt so horrible for wishing that...I hope everybody is doing OK around here.

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I'm doing ok Karolyn... thanks for asking.  Just busy getting ready to go and see my dad next weekend.  Have to pack and find all of the right paperwork so that I don't have any hassles.

Don't know what I'm going to find when I get there.

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I am glad you are doing OK justnicky and I hope you find things the best you can find them given the circumstances.

My dad is heading to the Dr tomorrow, I think the yellow color of the skin and eyes is more noticeable....I am so sad and scared that things are just around the corner.  I hope and pray he just doesn't suffer a lot.  He is still with good spirits and eatting well and very active....my heart is breaking today :(

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carlawarla

[user=19839]karolynca[/user] wrote:

I am glad you are doing OK justnicky and I hope you find things the best you can find them given the circumstances.

My dad is heading to the Dr tomorrow, I think the yellow color of the skin and eyes is more noticeable....I am so sad and scared that things are just around the corner.  I hope and pray he just doesn't suffer a lot.  He is still with good spirits and eatting well and very active....my heart is breaking today :(

Karolynca, I feel very close to you asnd feel very sorry you have to go through this. My husband died April 7th  of colon cancer that had spread to the liver and reading your post brought me back sad memories. My husband's skin was also very yellow and so were his eyes.  He wnt very fast and with no pain he died in our arms just stopped breathing. He was just 56 years old everything happened just so fast diagnosedin february and gone in april.  I hope your father will go peacefully enjoy every minute you can with him. Hold and treasure every moment and know that as long as he is in your heart he will still be there with you, always. Hugs Carla

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Carla, thanks so much for responding, I am so sorry your husband had to leave this world and so young, it breaks my heart.  I have been doing research online but I cannot find anything as what to expect, what type of symptoms, is the jaundice at the beginning or is the end approaching? will my dad has a lot of pain?  I so wish he can just go peacefully, he is the best dad in the entire world and he does not deserves to suffer :(

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My dad is at the Dr's today, I am not even hoping to hear good news anymore, I just hope they offer some paliative treatment, it so breaks my heart!!! my mom I talked to her for almost an hour this morning, she is holding ok but just for him, I know deep inside she is worried sick and probably very sad. I am her only daughter as my sister lives far away, I could hardly sleep last night, I hope the baby is doing ok I am so afraid of harming my baby and I need to deal with the stress anyways.

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He basically came out with a list of bunch of tests and he needs to return when the tests are ready to be seen by the specialist.  Nothing more...I hate this limbo! and I hate the fact that he get depressed about money and uncertain future :(

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carlawarla

I understand fully what you're going through no answers from anyone. You asked me about my husband. He was very lucky ???? because he went very fast he hardly had any pain although at the end he was on morphine but at a very very low dosage.  He has fluid bultup but never so severe that it had to be taken out. He just slipped away his body just shut down slowly . I think that at the end he couldn't even see becuse I asked him if he wanted his glasses to watch tv and he said no. It hurts me just so much to talk about this reliving every minute endlessly. Be close to your mother when my baby went a big chunk of me died with him . Life has got no meaning for me anymore but you are young you have your family to think about. When my father died and then my mother I suffered terribly and I still do they are always present in my everyday life and still my heart hurts when i think about them but I had my own family my kids and my husband and life went on. It's different when you lose you companion. I met him when I was 18 got married the year after this year we would have celebrated 33 years of marriage, So stay close to you dad but also stay close to your mother because she will need your upport now but even more after

 I wish i could tell you that everyting will be OK . How are his blood tests? Leonard's blood test were terrible at the end. Anyway you should demand an answer from the doctor. Is your dad eating OK is he always tired? Leonard was very tired he could hardly walk.  I'm so very close to you be strong and think about that little life that's growing inside of you. How many months are you. My daughter went for an ultrsound today because she fell down the stairs and they told her the baby is 1.9 cm. long.   Hugs Carla

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OMG Carla, the story of the two of you warmed my heart.  It is sad two lives had to be temporarily separated however Carla I am so sure he will always be with you until the two of you are reunited again.  I am glad he didn't suffer and things happened peacefully.

I have an excellent relationship with both my parents, they are the greatest parents in the entire world.  They gave me and my sister the best they could, sacrificing themselves for our well being and education.  I love them more than words can describe.  When I had to deal with infertility for 6 years one of my biggest fears was that I would get pregnant and my kids wouldn't get to meet the best grandparents in the world.  Seeing that my dad may not make it is really taking a toll on me and I feel in a way that I have not been able to fully enjoy this pregnancy because there is this HUGE cloud of sadness above me thinking about my dad not being here.

I plan to be really close to mom, in fact I even discussed with my husband that a possibility will be to let the baby with her and the nurse whe I go back to work, that way she will have something to look forward every day.  With my dad I plan on taking pictures with him and sharing with him as much of this pregnancy as I can...I wish you could see how happy he got when I told him I was pregnant and I know he tries to keep his spirits up not to make me worried.

He is getting his bloodtests tomorrow or the next day, so far he is eatting ok although he gets tired easily.

I am 4 months pregnant and I am having my next u/s this upcoming Monday...I hope your daughter is ok!.  Thanks so much for being such a support to me, you don't know how much it means to have someone to talk my sister just prefers to ignore all that's going on...and my husband gives me a shoulder to cry every time I need one, I still feel this place is like a safe one where I can come and pour my feelings and find understanding and love from those that either are at the same place or were at the same place I am now.

Many hugs

Karolyn

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I think my dad knows...he was supposed to go and get his bloodwork done tomorrow morning but said he is going to go on Saturday.  He also said to my mom this afternoon "I am so proud to have married you...you have been a wonderful wife and I am so happy that I got to share my life with you".  and then he said to me "I am also proud of you...you have been a great daughter, If I get to know my grandkid I am going to tell him how good his momma is but if I don't I will always be  watching over the two of you" 

Of course mom and I did the thank you we love you too...cheer up thing but then we both broke down.  He said he is feeling more tired tonight

:(

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Karolyn,

    I'm sorry.  I really do know how hard it is when your parent talks about dying.  It's kind of hard to take.  Mine's been talking about it for awhile now.  It really seems to make me get on an emotional rollercoaster for the night (I usually get that call in the evenings).

    Thought for you... do your parents have any old pictures... maybe of your dad when he was a kid or his family or when they were dating?  Maybe if you would go through a box or stack of them with him, get him to tell you the stories that go with the pictures, make notes to go with the pictures or tape the stories.  The notes could then go into a family scrapbook with the pictures... and he'd be a part in helping to make it happen.  Then you'd have the pictures... and the stories... for your baby.

 

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Thanks so much for being such a great support to me.  He has decided (just because I insisted) to go to get the bloodwork done tomorrow and then the Dr next week.  He is still eatting fine, walking and generally in good spirits.  However, some of the things he says as the look on his face shows a very tired person, someone that's probably ready to have a "rest' if you know what I mean.

My husband said last night that we shouldn't mourn him if he is still alive, I think that made perfectly sense to me, however I just cannot help but be sad and scared of what the future holds.  I think the idea of making a scrapbook, looking at pictures and preparing that sounds like such a wonderful project!

Karolyn

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My dad is in pain today, I guess he has his stomach area somewhat inflamated.  Just took a pill for the pain and has been in bed most of the day since noon.  My mom says that he said he doesn't like to look himself at the mirror because it depresses him to see himself so skinny...poor dad...I continue to pray for him to be pain free, at least that's all I wish for now.

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carlawarla

I'm so sorry if i haven't posted sooner but it hurts me so much to relive my pooor baby's agony through your father's. When Leonard was at the hospital I forced him to shave I said you have to take care of yoyrself.  We went to the bathroom and he saw himself in the mirror and he said " Boy I look terrible" he had lost so much weight and looked so yellow. Buti I told him " don't wory baby you'll get better soon": When he was at home he asked me if we had a good scale and I said no the scale was totally off but it wasn't true I just didn't want him to see his real weight. I'm sorry for you cherish everymoment you have with him , stay close to him and all of your moments with him will be your most cherished memories. I'm sorry but I don't believe in videos and poictures and such because they only hurt you more when you see them. The most important memories are the ones in your hert and believe me your child will cherish more memories such as " granda did this or grandpa said this than all the videos and pictures. My mother and my father are always present in our everyday life when I make grandmas soup or grandmas meatballs or I say grandpa used to say. They are forevere present in our lives. My baby is till here with us all the time : Sorry for my rambling but today I feel so depressed I wish I could just go to bed and never wake.  Take care Carla

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Carla, I am so sorry you are feeling like this today, I think it's normal to have the down days, I still do so when I remember about the death of my brother in law, he was just 28 and died so unexpectly.  Please know I am holding you in my heart and in my prayers.  I think you are right, keeping them alive by sharing the memories of what they used to say or like is the best way to remember them.

Today he woke up with no pain but my mom says his eyes look more yellow today but so far he is in good spirits.

Hang in there Carla, if you ever need someone to talk just let me know.

Karolyn

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carlawarla

I feel so terrible I wish i could die right now. The pain seems to be getting bigger and bigger everyday. At the funeral I asked the priest WHY WHY  he said it was God's will what a cruel God! Sorry you have your own probems to deal with and your little munchkin  growing who needs peace love and tranquillity. Going to bed now hugs Carla

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Dear Carla

I think that we will never get an answer to the question "Why", Leonard was a good person and I am sure he did not deserved to die.  However please remember that you are very much loved here, you have your children and soon a grandson/grandaughter will be arriving to your life.  They are not substitutes for Leonard, that I know, however you are important here for those that love you.  I am sure he will always be with you, be part of your life and the memories....nobody can take that away from you.  I am sure you need to teach your grandchildren what a great person he was.

When my brother in law died in that airplane accident I spent many months asking Why....although I never got an answer and my pain went from 1 to 10 in matter of days we could still survive.  Please lean on your family, your children, here on me, on your friends and ask for strenght, we may never know the why but we can continue to carry on their legacy, instead of sitting inside and shutting ourselves from the world we can teach the world who they were, what they meant to us.

Sweet dreams my dear friend, keep in touch!

Karolyn

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carlawarla

Hi Karoly, thank you so much for being there when I need you I feel you closer than anyone else4. I feel for you so much, you dno't know how much, because I feel that your mother and you are going through the same terrible path I followed. Your poor dad is losing weight because his liver is  not metabolizing the food, my poor baby did the same. His urine was orange at the end  and his stools white. He went so fast my poor babylove I don't even think he knew what was happening. Why am I not becoming stronger he would ask  me. I would say be patient baby you'll get better soon. Karolyn you are young and have all your life ahead of you, a loving husband and a little being who will soon become the centre of your life. Be close to your mother but go on with your life the same I did when my parents died, first my father and then my mother.  My mother always said " it's the wheel of life" and she was right wether we go when we're 60 or 70 we still go and as you said leave our legacy in our children.,  Please keep me posted on your father  I don't believe in God I'm sorry to say but it would be a very cruel God if he reakllt existed. So many mean people deserve to die why is it always the good ones that go?  Keep in touch and let me know about your dad and emember I'm close to you with all my heart Carla

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 Dear Carla

Thanks so much for your kind words, I know it's difficult in your own grief to be reviving your own pain by seeing mine.  I called early this morning home to see how they slept, it seems my dad had a rough night until he took a pill  then he was able to sleep around 4 hours.  Last night my mom said he was having trouble sleeping due to going to the bathroom to pee a lot, he claimed to God and ask him to help him.  That comment broke my heart in one million pieces, not to mention he has made other comments like "I don't think I have much left" or to his dear dog stuff like "Your daddy is going down".  Today he went to the drugstore to pick up a prescription, it's near home but he came back exhausted, he went to sleep...he was such an active person, so lively, so caring...

I try to keep myself focus in terms of what to expect because of my mom I will probably won't be able to melt down in the crisis moment, you know what I mean?.  I cannot count on my sister, not from an economical point of view and I doubt so much that she is going to even show up here.  I hope that this pregnancy will be at least something that will give my mom and I some kind of hope in the future.

I also have the same faith debate you have "why is it the good people that have to die?". 

I really appreciate that you have been such a great support, I also feel very near to you, please always keep in touch, don't be  a stranger.  I am sending you by private message my email address because if you have messenger you can add me there too.

Many hugs

Karolyn

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I had a scare last night, my mom called and said that my dad was bleeding, it ended up being just his hemorroids but still it scared the heck out of me...I just feel I cannot sleep or be quiet for a moment anymore

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Poor dad, he is going 3-4 times a day to the bathroom and was using dry paper to clean himself which made the hemorroids worst, now even passing a gas triggers burning sensation and pain in that area...poor guy...

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Hi, I am sorry I was MIA yesterday.  Carla, I am holding OK thanks for caring so much and how are you?.  Yesterday I had an appt at the Dr, they did an ultrasound to check how the baby was doing.  The appt for the u/s stuff was at 11 am. and then with my Dr at 4 pm  so I practically only came out of the hospital for lunch.  After the u/s I called my parents to tell them that everything went great, well my dad broke down sobbing really hard, he said it was of happiness but I think he was thinking how he may not be around to see his grandchild, it so broke my heart.

His hemorroids stopped bleeding yesterday which is one thing less to worry about, tomorrow is his appt.  He has not been sleeping very well in the last days, he confessed that he is very worried and that makes him wake up at night and then not able to go back to sleep.

Last Sunday I was there, we took some pictures as I didn't have any of him with me now that the pregnancy belly is starting to show, we had a small family meeting with some cousins and aunts.  He seemed happy althought was tired and had to go to bed at the end.  He has started to show me where all "his papers" are and has started to clean stuff...that sure worries me.

Not to mention he looks sooooo thin :(

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carlawarla

Hi >Karolyn, I'm happy that everything is going fine with the muchkin. Is it a boy or a girl? Do you know yet? My daughter Beatrice, is going for a new u/s on the 26th.  How's your dad doing? Did you get the results of the blood test? Is he eating?  Is he in pain? So many questions I'm sorry but I really feel for you. I'm surviving barely and only for my kids. But I sometimes feel so dead inside it's a terrible feeling and no one to cuddle upwith at night. It's terrible. Summer is here and the tuscan hills are beautiful, the night air smells so sweet but there is no joy in it for me. Keep in touch your friend Carla

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Hi Carla, we are not finding out the sex, when I first started dealing with infertility I made a promise that whenever I got pregnant all I wanted was a healthy baby and I wouldn't matter the sex.

My dad went to the Dr today, I was awaken from 2 am. with insomnia thinking about it, so far the news are not as horrible as I thought, it seems it's a partial blockage so he was sent home with some liver medication that's gonna help the liver do it's thing, some dietary regimen and some iron and vitamin c because they found a little bit of anemiae.  He is in pain sometimes but so far he is being able to manage the pain with either Voltaren or Neomelubrin (I guess that's the name).  He still has his appetite althought he is a little bit depressed, the Dr did not prescribed anything for that matter.

I know that although for you life has stopped having a meaning I am sure you are an important part of your family and I am happy you are holding on to them.  I was missing you already...you said the weather is warm in Tuscany, is that in Italy or at you at the States?

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carlawarla

Hi Karolyn, I 'm so very happy your father is doing fine I hope from the bottom of my heart that he will be with you for a very very long time.  Take it one day at the time and try to enjoy your pregnancy, it's one of the most magical periods of a woman's life. Beatrice is unfortunatley suffering from bad nausea but I hope that after the three months mark she will start to feel better she already said that if it is a boy she will call him Leonard like her father , the dte for the birth is upposed to be the 29th of November, Leonard's birthday!

We've been living in Italy for over twenty years, Leonard is Canadian and I'm Italian. We met in Canada but my baby always knew that I wanted to come back home so we moved here in 1986. We live in a restored barn in the country a truly beautiful place he loved it so  much. He always said " When I leave the main road and take to unpaved road to go home I always feel I leave all my troubles behind".  Now this house that he worked so much on is too big and holds too many memories but the kids don't want me to sell it because they want their children to play in the woods or outside the same way they did when they were small. One of the last times that Leonard was sitting at the kitchen table having breakfast ( before he became too weak to do the stairs) he looked out of the window and eaw the deers grazing on the hill and he said to me " and you want to sell the house. No way"  I miss him so much there is this huge hole in my heart and this terrible pain in my chest.  

Keep in touch  Carla

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Hi Carla

Well I don't think he is actually doing "fine" however I guess it's a little break amidst all the stress lately.  I swear I try to enjoy my pregnancy but I can't, it's one stress after the other up to the point that I am getting seriously worried about the baby's health, thanks God the ultrasound I got last Monday showed everything was in order, but I know in the second trimestrer is when you need to start gaining weight and I am eatting so poorly, mainly because when I get worried I tend to lose my appetite.  I also had very bad nause in my first 4 months...I have been nausea free for two weeks now thank God I lost 9 pounds in those months so I feel for Beatrice.

Italy!!!! I love Italy, I visited Rome and Florence in 2005 and I felt in love with that country.  I know there is a huge hole in your heart now and that probably the memories of that wonderful place you describe are painful for you at the moment.  However I am confident that time will let you enjoy that place again, that when you start telling your grandchildren the love their grandpa had of that place the memories will turn warm and not painful...I really hope so.

I cannot believe your daughter's baby will be born at or around your husband's birthday! Wow...life works in such misterious ways.  I don't know why but I feel my dad won't be here much longer, unless of course a miracle happens, sometimes I doubt that he is going to get to know this child...that breaks my heart as I have such a great relationship with both my parents...I am sure going to miss him:(

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carlawarla

Can't believe you visited Florence in 2005 wish I could have met you. You could have come to our house and enjoyed a nice meal sitting outside!!  We live about 15 miles from the city.  Try to eat and keep calm. Your baby can feel your mood so listen to classical music if you can and try to find ( as I always say to my kid) your inner centre of peace if you breath deeply and close your eyes you can feel it .  Did you get back your dad's blood test?  When your baby is a bit older you'll be able to come to Italy so your baby can play with beatrice's. I keep you in my heart Carla

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OMG I cannot believe you live so near Florence...I loved it!.

Well my dad bloodwork they found a little bit of anemiae, creatine 1.5, they found traces of ketones, 1 + of Albumin and also his urine was positive for bilirrubin.  Since this afternoon he is not doing very well I think, he said he is not in pain and he is just tired but he has spent the entire afternoon in bed sleeping and has increased his peeing.  I am honestly very scared!!! and sad...

He also didn't have too much dinner tonight...basically nothing I would say.

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Despite him telling me last night that he was feeling ok just tired I knew something was not ok, he said some juice he drank yesterday made him feel queasy from the stomach, he just said it this morning after we all spent the night in pins and needles.  Even my mom confessed she did not sleep soundly and even shed some tears when she went to bed with him and woke up during the night to toch him and see if "he continued to be warm or breathing".

This morning he said he is going to rest today, that he thinks he has been over doing it, he has been indeed going out and walking a lot but in my dad, saying he is going to take the day for resting purposes is indeed a sign that things could be turning in the wrong direction.

I just pray for strenght for me and my mum....

Karolyn

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carlawarla

Karolyn, I don't know what to say. Sometimes words seem so useless. You and your mother are going through a lot of emotional ups and downs. I know because I unfortunately followed the same path. What was the level of birilubin in his blood? Unfortunately I know this is very important because it shows the amount of efficiencvy of the liver. We tried many alternative things with Leonard once the doctors said there ws nothing they could do for him. Blueberry juice and potassium ascorbate, we had a nurse come and give him I.V. with vitamin C. He used to call it my witch medicine. We really tried everything I used to say to him " we're doing all we can baby love even witch medicine". I feel so close to you and your mother ( i Have to say especially your mother because I can fully understand what she is going through. To see your husband, the father of your children and your life long companion suffer is the most heart breaking thing I have ever experienced).  I won't say that I pray for you because I really don't believe in God but I do believe in love, in compassion and understanding , I'll just tell you that you are in my heart and that all my love goes out to you and your mother and although I know that your fther will ultimately go I wish for him to go to sleep peacefully and dream beautiful dreams.  Hugh you Carla

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carlawarla

I'm really in the dumps tonight where's my baby love, where is the man I spent 33 years with? Why is he not here with me? Where has he gone? I just want to go join him in never-never land.

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Dear Carla

First of all l wanted to offer you many hugs, please know that I do believe that dying is not the end of existance, maybe existance as we know it but I do believe we are much more than just a physical body.  When my brother in law died a couple of years ago at the age of 28 our worlds were shattered, he died in an airplane accident, we spent 3 days looking for his body only to find him death and not even be able to kiss him good bye.  In a dream two or three moths after his death he told me to buy some stuff and give them all to a person, he said to tell that man "this gift is because you have been taking care of my dad and our houses" (my father in law and him both have country houses one near the other and this man is the one that does stuff around and take care of them".  I only knew this man from going to their country houses, I had no piece of information.  In my dream my Brother in law asked me to give it to this man in an specific day never saying why.  We went out to the country house for that year spring break, I remember we arrived really late around 8 pm. still I needed to give this man what I had bought, it ended up being that man's birthday.  As that and during these 2 years many other dreams with information about things none of us would have known have been prove that we are just something more than a physical body.

I am sure your husband can see you and/or hear you, I am sure he can feel your pain.  Look for him in small things that may go un-noticed, small miracles as I like to call them.  a phone call in a moment when you are feeling down, the smell of his perfume all of the sudden without explanation, a deer passing around that will trigger a warm memory...all those can be signs of him trying to cheer you up.  All of us have limited time here on earth, I like to think that we will all be reunited again, you may feel now that the pain is unbeareable, that you are about to break and that loneliness will forever fill your life.  Yes a big chunk, if not all, of your heart left with him, you both shared a life together and I am sure you will continue to share eternity but I am a firm believer that everyone has to complete its cycle here on the physical world and when that cycle is naturally complete you can depart and join those that went before us.  Love my dear Carla...love can and will keep you both together despite this temporary physical separation.

Until then please know you are also hold in my heart and thoughts and if you ever need someone to talk to please don't you ever hesitate to drop me a line.

About my father he is not sleeping too well because he is urinating every hour or hour and a half, they never told us the amount of bilirrubin, only that it was positive.  As you I hope my father's passing is a quiet one...while he sleeps and dreams beautiful dreams...nothing more that man deserves as he has been one of the greatest dads in the world...

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carlawarla

I really look forward toyour posts.my kids are trying to help especially my son, he is like me , very sensitive and understanding, but I try to not burden him because he is young ( he is going to be 30 next month) and has his own life to sort out and enjoy. My daughter is different she gets mad at me when I cry so I try to keep it bottled in when I am with her.  It seems that every day that goes by it becomes harder and harder. I just can't accept the fact that my love is gone, it all happened to suddenly that I didn't even have the time to accept what was happening. And then one horrible moment he was there on our bed dying. I cry myself to sleep every night, I call him, ask him, beg him. to come to me but it seems that he never comes. My daughter dreamt about him , my son did also so why does he not come in my dreams?  Karolyne I really thank you for being thee for me and apologize if I sometimes burden you with my sorrow at a time when you have so much going on in your life. I've always envied the people that believe in life afte death, I tried desperately to believe when my father died, it was such a big blow and I had such a hard time recuperating. My mother let herself go after my father's death, she had nothing to live for ,now I fully understand her.  Sorry again if I've managed to depress you but I sometimes feel so lonely.  Give a big hug to your father from your friend in Italy. If you send my your address I'll send him a postcard ( me e-mail address is  pomarocarla@libero.it)  A very, very big hug Carla

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Dear Carla

I have learned with the death of my brother in law that people handle grieving in different ways, some are willing to speak and try hard to cheer others up, others, like your daughter can be facing what I call the "I don't know what to say or how to handle this" syndrome.  It's difficult to see your mother suffer, we as the "kids" tend to think our mother and father will always be those rocks to which we can hang on, most of the time we feel we are not qualify to help them thru a moment of crisis and we feel useless like nothing we can say will help ease their pain so we just don't know how to handle the situation, I don't think she is mad at you..she is probably dealing with her own pain plus the pain of seeing you in pain.  Don't try to hard to call him, try to feel him and you will see.  Right now you may not see many things to live for, you probably think your life is empty but it is not.  I am sure you are the one now responsible to carry on Leonard's legacy.

I know it's probably too early but maybe you can start a project, maybe you don't feel like you have the strenght but in the short time I have knowing you I  can sense you are a woman with a lot of kindness and a lot of love in her heart.  Maybe you can start a small project to carry on in the name of Leonard, like maybe joining a non-profit organization, maybe help others in need of a shoulder.  I have learned that sometimes when you think you have nothing more to give, when you are empty and you decide to give a little...all of the sudden you will receive 10,000 times more of what you gave.  In the days when my Brother in law died I realized how much I needed to tell the world how I felt, I started writing in a blog, I can share the address but it is in Spanish entirely which is my main language so you will understand very little.  I first wrote about the things he taught me, the legacy I understood I wanted to carry around for others to read and see...two years later the blog has expanded so much I even have visitors!.  There are many other people that have way less than we all have, try giving a little to them, maybe baking some muffins and take them to a nursing home, volunteer for an animal rescue organization.  What was one of Leonard's passions? think of that and carry on his legacy...

Don't you ever apologize...you are one amazing person and it really speaks very high of you that even with all your pain you have been here for me.  my email is karolyn.castro@gmail.com and I have messenger where we can chat at hernandezkarolyn@msn.com you can also keep posting here I also look forward to your posts.

A big hug to you too

Karolyn

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carlawarla

I read your beautiful message this morning as soon as I got up and I really wanted to answer right away but it is  sometimes so hard for me to sit down in front of the key board and try to rearrange allthe thoughts that are rambling through my mind. es I do understand that every and each one of us reacts to loss in a different way. Beatrice is so much like Leonard. Never liking to show one's emotions. When Leonard saw me especially happy for something he always said " don't be so happy, nothing lasts forever". Adrian is more like me he wears his emotions on the palm of his hands.Enough about me. You often talk about your brotyher in law it must mean that you loved him very much. I'm so sorry you had to suffer such a loss! Was he your sister's husband? How is she doing?  How's your dad doing with the new medication for his liver?  Are they helping him a little?  Is he still so tired?

Today I accompanied Beat to the hospital for the u/s. They had made a mistake with the time and she is 11 weeks and not 13 like they said before. You know she ws on the pill when she got pregnant  so the ovulation might have taken place after. The little squiggly is 4.9 cm. long and boy waas he /she moving.  Hope everything goes ok with her. How are you doing? How many weeks are you?  Are you eating properly now? Remember the little one needs food, peace and quiet .

I am planning to do some volunteering but not now I can't face the world, all those people out there I'm fine here at home I love embroidering and I could do it all the long if I had the time it's the only time where I'm able to empty my mind. I do work part time I teach English but aslthough I always loved teaching I know find it so difficult. I have to be lively and happy and keep the class interested when I just feel like cuddling up in a corner and cry.

Boy am I a depressing person sorry Karolin promise from now on I'll try to be more postive in my posts.   Hugs and good nigh ( as if I can sleep) Carla

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Hi Carla

As you guessed my brother in law was a beautiful soul and a very special and dear person to me.  He was the brother of my husband and he was like the little brother I never had.  One of the sweetest souls I have ever known, so full of love and compassions for others that he was my hero in many things.  At his 28 years he was able to accomplished much more than most his age.  I always thought he was gonna be the one who our children would love the most...he was a full grown up but a kid at heart...kids just could not resist him!.  Sadly two years ago he went to fly a Cessna with 3 of his friends, he had his pilot license and so did the other 3 and now they were hoping to accumulate enough flying hours in order to become commercial pilots.  The instructor and friend was flying the plane when they disappeared from Radar at around noon, we were notified that Wednesday around 6 pm and I will never forget that call...after two full days of search they found the plane and were able to reach it that Friday afternoon and were told all of them had died.  His death marks in my life a turn in how I was seeing the world, in who I was as a human being.  I still miss him greatly and it's painful to know that my kids won't know him personally that he won't be here with us.  He was not married but he had a girlfriend and they were getting married the next year after his death, she was destroyed as she had lost her father just 2 years before.  We remain friends but for her it has not been easy...not easy at all!.

Dad did very well yesterday, he said he was not feeling so tired and was having a burst of energy, I am thinking a protein that is specially designed for people wth Cancer plus all the other meds are doing the trick to at least give him some quality of life.  Today he woke up feeling good also, he is just having trouble sleeping because he goes to pee every hour.  He went out today and returned a little bit tired from his legs, took his protein and went to rest.  I think each day I am given with him is just a little miracle.  I focus on surfing one day at a time.  Today he was sweet and asked me "How's my grandchild doing?" it warmed my heart...almost made me teary.

I am doing OK with my pregnancy, right now I am 15.5 weeks.  I am eatting well...maybe not as well as I should but fairly well and I am trying to balance the stress of my dad situation so it does not affects me or the baby.  I was a teacher...it was my very first job and I loved it!!! specially because I worked with kids teaching them English too :) what a big coincidence!!!!!.  I understand that your spirit may not be all cheery and up to keep the class focus...it's probably very hard for you to do that.

I don't think you are a depressing person, you are just hurting and is OK if you let it out, I am not offended in any way.

Take great care

Hugs Karolyn

 

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Not much has been going on today, my dad says his legs get tired but it seems the medicines are helping him, according to mom his eyes are less yellow and his urine is also way less orange...almost normal. He is not sleeping much at night though it seems he wakes up to pee a lot.  He is eatting well which is a good thing.  But with Cancer you need to take the good days and enjoy them without getting too much hopes...I do pray he continues to do well.

How have you been Carla?

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carlawarla

Hello Karonie, going through a rough time, I miss him so much, He's never coming back. Sorry can't wite anymore hugs big hugs Carla

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I am so sorry I have been away, I got this terrible flu with fever and everything...OMG it has been so awful, I have a week without being able to sleep due to congestion and headaches, to make things worst since I am pregnant I just cannot get medication...

My dad is holding ok so far, his appetite is good, he seems to be doing good in terms of the jaundice which seems to be going away as his pee and stools are back to normal and he has a little bit of more energy.  Every couple of days his legs gets a little bit swollen and he gets tired from his knees and legs but overall he is holding ok.

I need to go and rest a bit...my head is hurting and my sinus is killing me...I will be back later...

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Well, my dad is holding on, I think his eyes although less yellow are still yellow but otherwise he is doing ok.  He had a major depression breakdown today, he feels that he looks too thin and spent the entire day yesterday sleeping, but then at night he is having troubles sleeping, probably due to his depression.

Today is one of those days when I feel so tired and emotionally drained.  I am so tired to look for home care and natural remedies option on the internet, I am tired that I am always jumping when I see in my caller ID they are calling from home, I am tired of waiting always for the worst, I am tired of not using my internet time for researching about my pregnancy, I am tired that I am the one that gets the call from him just because he wants to "let it all out and tell it to someone".  I am so tired and sad and drained....

I know eventually I will pat myself in the back and I will actually treasure all my chats conversation with him at 6:30 am to know how he slept, or that I will treasure those phone calls dumping all on me...but right now...I am honestly tired...tired beyond written or spoken words can describe!

Yet I feel so bad for wanting a little time for myself, to enjoy this pregnancy that was so long awaited...I want to go away...to a land where I could just forget everything and for once in all my life think about me and my baby...just about the two of us...enjoy this pregnancy, take my free time and surf the web looking for baby stuff, use my time to plan the nursery and dream about the future...I feel like my life is on hold...in a never ending hold...sigh!

Maybe it's just not a good day today...

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