Mothers Day

[solemate]

Mothers  day  is fast approaching and already the shops are filled with cards and gifts - this will be the second mothers day that my beloved mum will not be with me. what do I do - last year was a blur - she and dad had only just gone and it came and went in tears.  This year I am trying for my daughter to be strong and have a day for her - after all I am her mother.  My Mum and I were looking to forward to a special dinner with special antique dinner plates.  I love to cook and lay the table special.  I will be trying this year to put that in place for my daughter and I.  She also misses my mum and is very quiet about the whole thing.  I just cry and cant seem to move on.  I have lost my dearest friend, mother and confidant.  She was such a wonderful person who was never nasty and always saw the good in people.  She cared for my Dad and knew he was a handful. She was generous with her spirit and was always happy.  Although not a religious person I know she believed in doing good.  I think of her often (almost daily) and have a picture of her (and dad) beside my computer. I dont want to let go and move on as some would suggest.  I feel in limbo just going day by day and never moving from the grief I still feel.  I still ask questions of that terrible day that I lost both of them.  These questions will never be answered and I must find a way to accept that, but for the moment they are still unanswered.  Its market day Mum and you and I would normally go there together and have such a good time.  A cuppa together and a hunt for that special item for your dolls.  I will try to be the daughter you wanted me to be as you will always be the Mother I always wanted.  I love you always and you are never far from my heart. Your darling daughter Gayle xxx

[chicagogina]

Mothers' Day here in the U.S. is on May 11 this year and this will be my first Mothers' Day without my beloved Mother and Best Friend. It has been 7 months and I just miss her more than words can say. I feel like I have done some major healing, especially since Easter. But, I HONESTLY can NOT wait for all of these "firsts" to be OVER and DONE WITH already!!! It is just all too hard. My sis was born on Mothers' Day so I will celebrate with her the Friday before the holiday. On Mothers' Day, I will take some flowers to Mom's grave, probably shed quite a few tears, and then drive up to my other sister's house. She is the Mother of my 5 nephews and 1 niece, the only Mother left in our immediate family. So, I will celebrate with them as I miss terribly the one person that meant EVERYTHING to me my entire life ... I am NOT looking forward to this day at all, but I AM thankful that I had Mom for as long as I did AND that I have somewhere to go and a family to celebrate with on this special day.

[ramsfan]

[user=18910]chicagogina[/user]

I am also dealing with all the "first",  my Mom passed away in August.  I hated the first Christmas, her birhtday, the first Easter, Thanksgiving - even the first rain of the season.  It's still so new  - not real. A few times I've picked up the phone to tell her something just to share a moment , then the reality hits- she's not there.  Mothers Day will not be eventful for me.. I'm scared to go to the cemetary, I don't want to see her name written in stone. 

Be thankful you have your family - enjoy each minute with them .  Family & close friends who understand are the ones we will need the support of next Sunday.

The best thing about this web site is none of us are alone during this time.  There's always someone who understands and can make sense of the roller coaster of emotions we go through.     

[ps90247]

RamsFan/ChicagoGina/Gayle:

This will be my first Mother's Day without my mom and I am not really looking forward to it.   I will celebrate it with my wife and stepson but it is not going to have the same meaning as it did when my mom was alive.  It makes me very sad to see all the Mother's Day promos.  I used to look forward to Mother's Day a lot, as it gave me the opportunity to thank my mom for the wonderful job she did in raising me, for taking care of me the way she did, and for loving me the way she did.  Mother's Day just won't be the same going forward.  All these so-called "firsts" are quite difficult.  My mom passed away during the 2007 holidays (12/26/07).  So I already went through my first New Year's (01/01/08) without my mom, as well as what would have been her 79th birthday (03/18/08).  After this Mother's Day, then there is my birthday (08/17/08), and that will be painful, as my mom always, always made sure I had a fantastic birthday.  It won't be so good a birthday this year, as that will be my first birthday without my mom.  Then it will be the holiday season again....and with it the 1-year anniversary of my mom's passing.  After I get through all these firsts, I hope the second go-around (and subsequent go-arounds) are less painful. 

These forums most definitely help.  Thanks to all of you.

[ramsfan]

PS90247

My Mom passed August 30th - My son got married Sept 15, Thanksgiving was next then her birthday the 1st of December.  Then of course Christmas and  New Years then my birthday in January.  Needless to say I was a mess for the  holiday season.

Let me ask you this - your married.. did you take out your frustrations and grief on your wife?  My huisband tries so hard to comfort me but I just back away.  I feel this is something private -  between me and my Mom.  I withdraw and days go by where I barely speak.  I lost a part of me when I buried my Mom.  I don't want to hear comfort words - because that makes it real.  The days I do feel ok  with no tears shed I feel guilty.  My husband has been great but its me just having a pity party. 

What is normal?                          

[solemate]

dear ramsfan, I hear what you are saying - my husband also has been trying so hard to support me.  Once a comment from him sent me off the rails and I was in a place I dont want to go there again.  Overall he has been my rock, but initally one year ago when both my parents died from the car accident, I was a lost sole and no-one could really help me in my private grief.  My bond with my Mother was so close that I doubt I will ever live a day without thinking of her. My Dad was a good mate and I often think of him and wish he was here.  I struggle with guilt for agreeing to turn off the life support system of my Mum and then when I am grieving for Mum, I feel guilty that I should also be feeling that strong for my Dad.  Throughout all the roller coaster of emotions I feel most that I am loosing my personal relationship with my husband.  He also lost his parents the year earlier and I shouldnt forget that he also lost my mum and dad and he needs support from me.  My Mum was such a wonderful person and I miss her terribly - Mothers day will be awful for us all.  I will be trying to be strong for my own son and daughter (adults) but they also feel similar pains and I guess the day will just come and go.  Someone said to buy a Mothers day card and some flowers.  This I might do as there is no grave to visit.  ramsfan give yourself time and let your emotions take their journey.  Try and let people support you - its nice to have a partner who cares even though we can be hard on them at times.  There is no normal - you are normal - just be yourself and Take care - Gayle

[katos1]

I am so sorry for all of you. This Mother's Day will surely be hard for you all.

I worry for my mum this coming Mother's Day - we lost my brother two months ago so it is still so raw for her. I'm going to visit her during the day - I can't imagine how hard it will be for her. I had my birthday in April and that was really hard without him, so I can see Mother's Day would be a nightmare missing your son.

 

[paula7777]

hi all, it was my 1st mothers day without my lovely mum in march 08. we celebrate it earlier than u guys in us ! i think it has ben the hardest of all 1st anniversaries, its only been 6 months since my mum went to heaven i just want to phone her an tell her i love her and miss her soooooo much!  i am thinking of you all who have to remember your mums this up an coming mothers day without her. paula XX

[dancingirl]

Something I was thinking about last night before I went to bed was that on my first mother's day without my mom aside from being really annoyed by the advertisements that had gone on for so long instead of being depressed on Mothers day, I took the opportunity to thank people. I remember writing cards and thank you's to all of my friends mom's who helped me get through my mother's death. I remember writing in several of the cards that despite not having my own mother, I am lucky enough and blessed to have several "surrogate mothers" in my life. I don't remember exactly but I know I probably wrote 7-10 cards to people. I wrote them to a teacher who from the time we learned of my mother's diagnosis was like my "fill in mother" which may sound terrible to some people but for me it was really really theraputic to be able to celebrate the other women that served as female role models in my life (and still do) in the absence of my mom. Every year since my mother's death, I have written an email to that same teacher around Mother's day. This is especially nice for her I think because she lost her son when he was very little and has no other children, so Mother's Day can be difficult for her too and I think we do a good job of balance out each others saddness beacuse in some ways we fill the void in each other's hearts. Although no one will ever replace either of our loved ones. Its just something I remember doing and I thought I would throw it out there in case some one else wanted to do the same thing!!

<3

Jamie

[ramsfan]

Gayle,

I'm sorry  to hear of your  loss.. It's when I read stories like yours and how you comfort others that i realize I've been selfish.  There  is no right way to grieve nor is there  any normal to life -   (when you wrote that I thought to myself "Good I'm not losing my mind".  I know I'll never be the same - a piece of me was buried with my Mom.  I've  stopped laughing and even feel guilty when I do.  I cry at times in middle of conversation - just a thought comes over me and I relive that dreaded day. 

 I question myself - what more could I have done, did my Mom know how much I loved her - did she know how much I would miss her?? Does she k now my heart is broken?? Is she ok? Why don't I dream of her - why can't I hear her... why, why, why.  No answers come yet I know through people like you and this web page - how I feel is ok.. and for the first time in 9 months I don't feel alone. 

For all of you who will shed a tear on Mother's Day - be strong- we're all here for each other.  Most of all think  how awesome our Mom's will be celebrating there day - Peacefully watching over us from above.

Happy Mother's Day

Ruth

California

 

  

[solemate]

Dearest Ruth - I am also so sorry for your loss and everyone else on these boards.  None of us are selfish by feeling the way we do.  We all have the right to say our hearts are broken and that we will never be the same again.  You are not alone on these boards.  Some days I just read the postings, other days I feel I need to say something.  I have a picture of my mum and dad within inches of the computer and when I look at them my heart aches.  I like you cant seem to find that laughter (or) happiness.  I am a Mum yet cant break the demon inside me so that I can be there for my childen (adults) for their Mothers Day.  Days drift on and I read more and more of people who are in deep despair.  This saddens me as it means more Mums have been lost, the only comfort in this is that new mums have just started their journeys.  I am rambling so its best I stop before I dont make sense.  Ruth - you are not alone and what you are experiencing is very normal.  You can have a range of emotions all in one day or over several days or months.  I have accepted that life for me without my parents will never be the same again and that I need to try harder to rise above the deep grief that I still feel.  Take care and be kind to yourself.  Gayle

[robinann202]

It is very hard losing anyone in your life.  i have lost many people in the last ten years, 7 of them being very hard hits.  I lost my mom at the age of 58 and Dad at age of 64.  I was just about 30, and it devastated me.  It is very hard dealing with everyday things, them not being around to enjoy things with you-go through things with you--or see new family members, they never met.  I am so alone, and it really has changed my life.  I have learned to "deal" with all these factors and accept that things happen for a reason, whether I like them or not.  I had to change my life, without them.  If anyone wants to talk, let me know.  I have lost my parent, 3 grandparents, aunts, friends--in a very short period of time.. I would love to be there for someone else, or for them to also share with me.  I have come a long way, but believe me, I know I have along way ahead.  Hope to hear from you soon..Robin

[ramsfan]

Gayle & Robin,

I have to say today was pretty bad. This guy at work was going on and on about missing his Mom because she was on vacation and it was his first Mother's day without her.  He apoligized after he saw my eyes tearing up and said, "Sorry, but your Mom is in a better place don't you think? "  -  I replied - Your Mom is coming back.. mine  isn't - big diference. He still continued about his Mom and how he missed her.  I didn't want to be rude but I couldn't listen any more,  after a few minutes I told him I needed to make a phone call. and he left.  Over sensitive - at first I thought so then - I thought no - some people are just shallow.    My commute to and from work is 1 hour... I cried all the way home and still haven't stopped.  The comfort phrase "They're in a better place"  is on my last nerve.   

I oftern wondered how I would be if something ever happneded to my Mom - never in a 100 years did I think it would be like this. 

thanks ladies for listening

[katos1]

Ramsfan, I know what you mean. People that haven't experienced it have no idea how to behave around "us" - they can be so insensitive or downright rude, I don't know whether they realise it or not. When you do try talking about how you're feeling, (I find) people are so uncomfortable they just sort of splutter some kind of Mmm or Oh ok. Or, they give you the cliche hallmark response. Which I can't stand.

"He's in a better place" has to be the classic. My skin crawls when I hear that. "Time heals all pain" is a close second - no it doesn't. The pain doesn't heal, it doesn't lessen, it doesn't change, it just comes into perspective, thats all.

"You know he loved you", "Everything happens for a reason", "At least he died a peaceful death" - (which REALLY gets to me, because I don't think my brother did die a "peaceful" death, but hey), its just so frustrating to hear that so often. I know that sounds a bit selfish, because at least they're trying to be helpful, its just that (to be blunt) that its not helpful at all.

I'm sorry about your mum

[solemate]

This post is for my Wonderful Mum on her Mothers Day - Mum I cant believe its one year one month and 16 days since you and Dad left me.  Time has been unkind and there have been some dark days without you both.  I look at your photos today and tears have already started. I miss you both so much and although I try very hard to break the demons inside, they often come to the surface.  The pain I feel is sometimes so strong that my heart feels like its breaking. I know that you and I had such a special bond and I hope that you have and are still proud of me.  I try to live by yours (and my) values and thank you so much for loving me and teaching me life.  When I took yours and Dads ashes to Ireland and Scotland it was just like seeing  x 3 of you, your Irish relatives look just like you, one was even called your name Eileen. I felt you were alive again - they made be feel so warm and welcome.   This day was always special for us - it was a girly thing - I would cook a lovely meal and set the table so it was just right. We would have gone to the markets together and browsed around looking for that something special for your dolls.  I dont have that same energy since you have gone and market trips can be very emotional. You have taught me many things and I hope that I have been passing these down to my daughter, your grand daughter.  You would like her new boyfriend he is good to her and she is starting to be a lady and not a 'tomboy'  Today will be lonely with family doing their own thing and I will go to a Mothers Day service - Say hello to Pat for Paul, he misses her so much (and so do I)  I  can hear you now - Happy Mothers Day - same to you. Love your darling daughter Gayle

[robinann202]

Ramsfan,

I know exactly what you mean, people just dont realize or know because, most of the time they were never "there".  I try to tell people all the time "you have no clue, you should be spending as much time with your parent,brother,sister,g/p-friend--whoever".   I have heard people say " Well me and my mom never got along, or we werent that close"  That is not something anyone should be saying if they had any kind of relationship with their mom, dad, friend-whoever.  Life can end quickly as we all know--It is devastating when it does.  These people who go on about their moms--and talk about how great their mom or dad is--Great..I'm happy for you--but I also dont want to hear it either--it is affecting me also.  I know I shouldnt be looking at things sometimes like that--but i dont have my mom anymore.  I'm very grtaeful they are talking and praising their mom's--but some just make the wrong comment.  My mom better be in a better place--I hope and am pretty sure she is happy--but you know what she would be much happier here--and i would be more happier...What are these people not thinking?--Or what are they thinking?   It comes down to alot of times--they just dont know.  People who havent expierenced pain--hurt--loss like we have--honestly have no clue until they are dealing with it....

[ramsfan]

I was thinking of what Kato1 said - about the Hallmark Phrases, it is so true - enough of the cliches.. Better place, Not suffering, Lead a long life...whatever - I'm tired of hearing them.  I was talking to my son and telling him  about some of the things people have said .. and he said ,"Is it so hard to just say - I give you my condolensce.."  Must be - I haven't heard it yet and it's been since August .

I told my husband- not to walk on egg shells tomorrow.. if anything let's talk about my Mom or if I  have a quiet minute let me be by myself.  But to ignore the situation will make matters worse.

Kato1, Gayle & Robin - Happy Mother's Day - and to all of you who are feeling the loss of your Mom - God Bless - keep the memories close in your heart afterall our Mom's made us who we are today.. 

[stephysteph13]

why must we suffer on mothers day i hate this!!!!!!!!!!

very horrible mood.

[pauliepcar]

Been a while since I posted.  But am back. 

The Holidays were tough...but came and went.  I think I was just "waiting"to get throught the first aniversary of mom's death (March 22 - day before my birthday)...it came and went as well.   Just like other days, it came and went.  A little tougher than others, but did nontheless.  Gram was like my second mother and she passed about six months after mom.  All other family is gone save some didtant cousins...so here I am. 

Unable to get to either of their graves...and in need of a way to honor them on this day.  So my avatar is the last photograph taken of mom.  It was athe 2006 Christmas dinner the nursing home put on for residents and their family.  After that...I didn't want any more pictures.  I didn't want physical reminders of what she was becomming as the cancer and radiation and chemotherapy ravaged her.

All of that aside...

Happy Mothers Day...to you Mom and to you as well Gram.

I love and miss you both, thank you for all of the good times and bad.  Without all of them as a whole...I may not have become the person I am.  I may not have been there to care for you in the final months, weeks, days and hours.

You loving son, and grandson.

And a wish to all on this board who are mothers - Happy Mothers Day.  May you all find the strength to share your lives as the gifts they are with those you love, as those who came before, have done with you.

Bless you all and thank you for providing a space to remember.

[pauliepcar]

ramsfan,

I can't agree more with the sentiment.I just spent the better part of the day in meloncholly.  I am glad I was able to post this little bit here it helprd.  Then I went to see a movie...and was emotionally unballanced throughout.

I wanted to respond to your post about pulling back from your husband.  If he understands this and just sort of lets things happen for you...eventually you will come back into the space you occupied before.  Our lives have changed...but we are who we are...and not much changes that at the core.

I would not let my g/f support me.  I wanted to shoulder my burden of grief alone.  It was like the universe dished out the biggest slap in the face...why should I trust it again...let alone my g/f.

Things came to a boiling point on my birthday.  My dad passed on 3/21/89, mom on 3/22/07 and my b-day is on 3/23...as one of my dearest friends put it...the universe had a joke...that joke was my recent reality...and the punchline was this years birthday weekend.

My g/f couldnt take any more of my reality.  She had remained fairly strong till then...but that was it.  Grief is a strong thing...I didnt even know how to lable what I was experiencing until I read your post...then it all became clear.  Thank your lucky stars that you have a partner who knows what you need, and has faith that you will be back to speed when you are ready.  I am so glad to read that I am not the only one who feels uncomfortable sharing the grief with a partner. 

Thanks for your post.  

[ramsfan]

Pauliecar, 

I underdstand exactly what your saying.. when I read the post of my loved ones missing me as well - I realized how unfair I have been.  They were grieving as well plus worrying about me.  After 8 months today was the first time my daughter and I cried together.. I hadn't realized how she was craving my support - I was to busy thinking of me and my loss, but it was a loss to my whole family not just me. 

We went to my mother in laws today - and it was akward at first -  everyone asking how I was doing..Of course me answering. " Not well" .  I was waiting for someone to say one the of the famous cliches we previuosly mentioned and thank God no one did.  I wanted my Mom to be with me so every chance I had I mentioned her.. from the food saying what was her favorite food - to eating pie and saying what her favorite was - even saying how she would of complained about the weather becasue it was kind of cool today.. every chance I had I slipped something in.  I did get some looks because I wouldn't let up.  Finally my mother in law realized where I was going and she began to talk about my Mom, there was laughter mixed with a tear but overall it helped my daughter and I  - Mom was with us.

  Your right,  support is important and we have to let those who care into our grief. As the Bible says - it's best to walk with someone for if you should stumble they will lift you up.  Lean on God for your support  spiritually and share your feelings with  your friends.  I'm sorry things didn't work out with your g/f but the right person will come into your life and walk side by side with you, uncondtionally.  Thanks for making realize this as well.        

But thank God today is over ... best to all of you.

[solemate]

Dear Ruth, from your postings I think there has been a step forward for you - how lovely that your daughter and you have support in each other.  I am so glad that the day turned out alright for you at your mother in laws.  It is hard when you first start talking about your loved one and at times it seems that its all the conversation.  I had decided long ago that I would be honest with myself and say to people that I feel terrible - I can't lie, I do feel terrible some times.  My Mothers day started out OK then went down hill.  I decided to go to a Mothers Day memorial service - I was fine entering the crematorium, and even letting them pin a white flower on me.  I was also fine looking around the hall and remembering the last time I was there in the front row with two coffins in front of me (mum and dad) I was OK when they said step forward if you wish to light a candle and say the name of your loved one.  When I said my Mum's name Eileen tears began quickly and by the time I was back in my seat they were a flood.  I tried very hard to not break down, but alas things were still raw for me one year on.  I left the service after 15 mins and couldnt stay - I noticed outside others were also in the same state. Maybe it was the premises, maybe it was the day - who knows - What I do know is that all of us continue to love our Mums dearly and no seperation will ever diminish the love we hold for them.  Ruth, continue to speak about your lovely Mum and she will continually be with you and your daughter.  Never miss the rainbow because you are looking down. Take care everyone - Gayle

[ramsfan]

Hello Gayle,

Just wondering how you were doing? I read your post on Sunday - I wanted to let you know - my thoughts were with you and all the others on that day ..

  I too thought I was doing well then today out of no where the vision of Mom at her last moment just raced through my  mind.  It was weird - then come the thought of what else could I have done ,  how much I  miss her - all the  emotions came gushing out again.

It just doesn't end.

 

[solemate]

Hi Ruth - Just wanted to say hello.  Your comment about the flash of your dear Mom struck a cord with me.  I get them all the time.  Even though the thoughts can be at times shocking, morbid or even lovely, I try to see the event as the person (Mum or Dad) were trying to let me now they are still around.  I hang on to this as I feel if I dont - I might forget them? - I feel the same about it never ending. Today I am depressed - I am to loose my job due to the company loosing a major contract that supports my wage.  This is a blow as it was good for me, but now I feel so low it is all coming back to me. Selling our home, no job, not happy - I will try hard to shake it off - Take care Ruth and let the flashs be kind to you and acknowledge that they will continue. Each one is your Mom saying hello.  Gayle

[ramsfan]

Gayle,

Sorry about your job.. Right now it's hard all over the world - the economy sucks and it seems the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.  The middle man gets no breaks..I hope your able to keep your home.  Everyone at my job seems to have a vendetta against someone so there's turmoil everyday.

At work I felt my self just starring at my computer - again the thoughts racing through my mind --  I couldn't move or maybe just didn't want to..I have no ambition.

 Did you every see the movie La Bamba - where the brother runs up a hill after Ritchie passes away and screams RITCHIE!!!  That's what I feel I need to do - just run somewhere screaming for my Mom .. there has to be a way to get this all out.  I've been getting  pains in my heart of course I think I'm having a heart attack - but could my heart just be aching in pain?