Mother's Day

[ocprincess]

wow, this sure is a hard one. to go through mom's day, for the first time, without mom. i am getting better with my grieving sessions, yet i know that mom's day will be quite difficult. it's been 7 months since her passing. as i may have said before, my being the oldest of 4 siblings, i have been left out again, of one the most hardest things to do......that being going through my mom's things with my father and my siblings. also, here is a rather long story that i would like to share here...........

i called my dad in the later evening about 3 weeks ago, to say hello and to see what he's been up to. also to let him know that  i am still here for him, and would also like to be apart of this last task.......maybe the hardest task...... dealing with mom's things, and doing so with my other siblings as well. all of us should have been there together. so, no one answered the phone, so i was prepared to leave voice message. well, the phone just rang and rang. after about 6-8 rings, it sounded as if the answering machine would come on. well, it did not. what did happen thought, was the sound microphone staying on, and letting me hear whatever was going on in the room. for about 2 minutes, i heard my brothers, my sister, and my dad, talking, and going through all of my mom's things, and taking what they would like for memories sake. i was so stunned, and hurt. after hearing all that i could stand, i quietly hung up, (my # does not show). the next day i went to my sister's 'myspace' website, to see if any one of my sibling wrote to her about this. turns out that my youngest brother did. basically, i lost it, and wrote a note to my dad, saying that i could not believe how he would not let me be a part of anything that had to do with mom, since her passing. i was angry, but mostly just very very hurt to be left out. to retaliate against me, my sister wrote this scathing message on her main 'myspace' page about me, yet not using my name. since we both know many of the same people, i had to find a way to have what she wrote removed. she is good at being very unkind, and telling the world about it. luckily i found out how to contact 'myspace'. i told them a very short version of the story, and what she had writtten on her page for all to see. they got ahold of her immediately, she was warned, and told that she would be monitored. myspace removed everything that she said about me, on her entire page. thank god!

well dad never answered my call, as usual. instead, he shared this email with my siblings, and i got some of the most cruel emails that one could write. even so, what did hurt most, was that i could not partake in one more thing, having to do with mom. was my sister saying that she was not there, when i was so positive that she was. i know that i heard her voice. then, about two days later i got a envelope that looked like a wedding or shower invitation. i hesitated in opening it, as my other brother did not invite me to his wedding because my sister did not want me there. what came was an invitation from my youngest brother and his fiancee, inviting me to their engagement dinner party. there was an rsvp to it, and i did not recognzize it, yet called to see who it was, and to say that i would not be able to attend, even though i really would have liked to. my sister in law to be answered the phone. we had a wonderful conversation. and my little brother could not have found a young lady as nice, and kind as she.

i told her the situation, and why we would not be able to attend. she was very much disappointed, yet understood the reasons. she mentioned that she had moved into the home of my parents's, as that is where my brother lives, and also because they did not want my father to live alone. so they put her townhome up for rent, and she moved in, a couple of months ago. i felt that i had to ask her about everyone getting together to go through my mom's things. well, she verified that my sister was indeed there as i thought she would be, and everyone was doing what i had suggested to do, as a whole family, except they chose to leave me out, once more time. arin, my soon to be sister in law, felt so bad. she said that what my father, older brother, and 2 year younger sister had done throughout this whole situation, was very wrong, very mean, and utterly unkind to me. i knew that this was going to happen after everything else that did or did not happen, due to my mom's wishes, and due to their malicious behavior that i have experienced throughout my entire life. if my grandparents had not picked me up every other weekend from being a toddler, through 10th grade in order to keep me safe and away from them, i do not know if i would be here today. i always had their unconditonal love, and so much more, that they literally were my saviors. they taught me my moral, values, and about life.

one thing that i am not afraid to share, because i knew that i would not get anything in rememberance of my mother, in any way/shape or form, due to the kind of people that they were; when i spent time with my mom, for 4 lovely days with mom, i found her engagement ring which she knew i loved, since a young child. i took it to hold close to my heart forever. there were other things that she wanted me to have, however that will not happen. so i did what i did, and do not feel wrong because of mom's wishesl otherwise my sister would have gotten everything. my mom knew that my sister did nothing but say mean things about her, for most of my sister's life. so she did get the wedding ring, clothes, family pictures/portraits, (one being of me and my son that was done professionally, i will never receive back) and the remainder of mom's jewelry. i do not find this wrong, as i knew my mom's wishes for everything, being her first born, and her making sure that i knew what she would want when her time came. since i was not allowed to be apart of anything, due to my sister wanting to be the alpha sister, and take over in order to show everyone that she is now the queen, so to speak, and will do all that it takes to make sure that i am not a part of the family ever again. someday, she will have to meet her maker, and answer for all the hurt that she has caused people in her life. from the emails that i have received, she is having the time of her life doing this, and will never let me be apart of their family, ever again.

recently, i did some research on life coaching. something that i have heard so many good things about. with all that has gone on recently, and all of my life with almost every abuse that there is, i made the decision to do this, and i started this program about two weeks ago, and have 2 1/2  more months to go with it, unless i would like more. it's nothing like therapy, and i know that with my hard work, and his knowledge and guidance, that my life will get on track as it should, and that i will heal from so much damage that has occured in my life. i have not been able to take care of all of it on my own, and this will get me to where i must be.......mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. l am so excited about it, and after two sessions, i have seen that there will be a lot of work, so much to discover within me, how to associate with 'authentic' people, to learn how to read people, to learn how to forgive others, and to forgive myself. it's not therapy.  it's a coach, like anything else that requires coaching. i spend one hour a week with him, (he is certified/degreed, etc.), and there is so much to do. this kind of coach will help me with so many things......making and achieving goals, finding and hopefully fulfilling my dream career, but most of all, get the poison out of my blood that my family has injected into me so i can carry on my life with authentic people that can be family, as familly does not have to be blood related. we also will be working on how to lead a most fulfilling life, even though i am suffering from a nasty disease, that i pray will not take my life.

i have so much to do here in my life yet.......marry my finacee, and be apart of his family, to start this foundation that i have wanted to do for years now, and will be given the resources so that i can do the hard, yet enjoyable work to get it sailing. i want to go back to school, i want to travel, etc etc, to meet people, make authentic friendsmbecome friends, and if they are good people, to hope they will want to become a part of my life, to travel, etc., and then, to someday be able to share lots of wonderful stories to my 'all in my dreams' for now grandchildren.

so, i hope that none of you here have families like mine. the kind who take joy in hurting others in the family. the kind who gossip with each other, and take events that went on between you, and them and make them into horrible stories that will hurt you so very much. it's so hard when we loose a parent, yet when family comes in, and destroys all that should have been, i pray that you will find a way to get through it. i am finally on my way, as the hurt is still so bad, yet i am finally getting to know that it is not me who is the bad seed, so to speak. they are the bad seeds. they just took joy in making life miserable from a very young age, up until current time. god bless you all. sorry for the length of my post, however i felt that sharing it with you, would help me somewhat better, and to let you know that when it is said that tragic things in life, can bring a family together.........it's true for some, yet for me, it will be a new beginning, with a new life, new people, and i will learn that i am not what my family makes me out to be, to me, and to others. i suppose that i always knew that i was a good person, yet so many bad things were said to and about me, for most of my life. it's easier to remember the bad, than the good. yet it was not until recent times when i talked with my best friend of 30 years, and my fiancee, that i started to believe that i am a good person, and that i am proud of who and what i am. to all the mom's here, i wish you a rather early but a very happy and enjoyable mother's day, and god bless you all.

[chicagogina]

We have a LOT in common this year, oprincess. This is MY first Mothers' Day without MY Mother, too ... AND my Mother also died 7 months ago. I lived with her all of my life, never married, never had children, and I am all alone in the house now without my Beloved Mother and Best Friend. It is still lonely sometimes but, like you, I feel like I have done some healing, thanks to good friends, a great family, and some grief counseling through hospice. Still, I am DREADING this Mothers' Day SO MUCH! Can't wait till it's OVER and DONE with. I still miss my dear Mom so very, very much and, even remembering all the good times, I know I always will. She was everything to me and, while my faith gives me the comfort that I will see her again, I wish it was sooner rather than later. But, I will forge forward with faith in every footstep, knowing that is what she would want me to do. ONE day at a time ... What else can ANY of us do??

[ocprincess]

so sorry this is late in coming. yet, thank you so much for your kind words about my first mom's day without my mom. family still leaving me out of everything. they are not nice people, and it's time to move on without them. nothing i can say or do will change the kind of people that they are. happy first of june. summer is on it's way.