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I Believe in God...


BreathofAngel

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Hello Everyone,

Mark, I am so happy you all got a good night sleep....wish your wife a happy mothers day for me...I'm so happy the new meds are working.

CHRISTY,,,,,I know Kagan is right there beside you today and always.....If it makes you feel any better I know my husband is taking real good care of him in heaven. And, your dad! I hope you have a good mommy's day!

Kitty, Your in our thoughts...hang in there!

Miss NIKKI.....I know your out there and we all love you and are praying for you and your family...I hope you had a love filled day with your dear mom.

My day was o.k...it was an emotional week for alot of reasons for me but today was good...my kids are my gift from god and my husband and they give my the greatest gifts everyday...I am so proud of them and they are the strongest kids I know and have been thru more than most adults have....They are the ones who keep me going in this world....Hope everybody continues to have a good evening...bless you all.

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hello everyone! i've been gone awhile, took a week off from work last week. i wanted to take some time off to focus and center on healing as the first anniversary of erin's passing approached (may 6). . . . as it turned out it wasn't a very restful week . . . or overly healing. . . . but it was a week off from work! can't hate that! my mother came from tennessee for the week to be with me, that was sweet of her. i am hanging in there - i shed a few tears and had a couple of deep sobs, but only because i miss her physical presence so much at times. all in all, i continue to have the peace that surpasses. . . . PRAISE GOD for that. I do, I do, I do.

I've missed everyone and am praying for you all. The first year was a rough one. . . wow, did i ever sit in the furnace . . . . but praise God I'M STILL STANDING and it's only because of His mercy.

love,

kitty

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Kitty,

I am approaching my one year anniversary on Monday of loosing my husband....I am very sad.....I was so glad to hear that you made it thru as best as you could and that your momm came to be with you....I have missed hearing from you this week....Take care of yourself and god bless you.

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kagansmommy

Hello everyone~!! I hope everyone had a happy mothers day.

Mark...I am glad the new med's are working for your wife. It has to be easier for you not to have to watch her be in as much pain. Watching someone you love in pain and know there is nothing you can do is a very helpless and horrible feeling.

My Mothers Day went pretty good I guess. Peter and I went to church with my Mom where she gave me a portrait she had done of Kagan for me. Iy didn't really look like his so it didn't bother me too much. I sat and looked at the table they had say Kagan's casket sitting on with the word's carvwed in the front "IN REMEMBERANCE OF ME." I broke down when church first started but I didn't allow it to last too long. My son and his family were there too and that was a true blessing. In the afternoon we hung out here at home and then decided to go night fishing for walleye. We left here at 9pm and left the lake at 3am this morning. As soon as we got in the truck to leave it hit me HARD. I had to pull over and let Peter drive. I had him take me straight to Kagan's grave. I layed over his grave sobbing and hysterical until almost 4am. Peter was on the ground with me and talked me thru it reminding me to breath and rubbing my back and neck to relax me. When I started having chest pain's all of a sudden out of the dead silence the song birds started singing...AT 3:30 AM. That had to be my baby boy telling me it was ok. Today I feel as if I have a hang over. My head is killing me..no energy...i want to sleep all day...I don't want to see or talk to anyone. My Mom is getting married saturday and I told her I would help her all I could. She called at 9 am and told me to get my "lazy butt" out of bed. Sometimes my Mother has no tact and I would like to choke her.

Have a nice day everyone. I am sorry for the negative email.

Christy

"MOMMY LOVES YOU KAGAN...FOR ETERNITY"

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Christy, you are on overload in the emotions department right now. I am praying for peace for you and for your heart to rest assured that God is in control and is taking care of everything just fine. It has always been that way and will continue to be that way until Jesus comes back. It's just so hard to let go, I know . . . I know very well how hard it is to let go. But what a favor you would be doing yourself and your family . . if you let go and let God be God. You are His precious child and He only wants good things for you. Peace, Joy, Comfort, Rest, Love, Health, Happiness. Freefall into His protective arms. Easier said than done you might say, and yes, I would agree. But when I truly surrender myself to His will (be anxious for nothing), those are the times I am so fully satisfied and feel the most peaceful. A True Blessing!! To feel peace and rest in this crazy world. I'm praying for you Christy. . . our God is a mighty God. This too shall pass sweet one.

Lauraa, I'm so proud of you and your performance. . . . Way to Go Girl!!

Mark, keep up the good work and your awesome faith in our Father!

Love,

kitty

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Oh, how do I start to say any of this? Christy, you are such a good friend, and after what I endured last night, I think I see a little of what you're going through. With all the pain you endure, you will always be a part of my heart and prayers.

Watching my wife suffer with dystrophy is enough, thank you, but recently, my daughter has been calling more frequently, crying in pain. She's being tested for several things, including cancer. After I finally got my daughter calmed enough to get some rest last night, my wife started having seizures again. I just lost it, and started crying. I really feel alone now (can't ask my family for anything, as if they would even give me the time of day). I'm so scared, I hate it. This isn't me! I am afraid of nobody, but I can't make this stop, and the lady who means more than my own life is suffering so much. I don't dare entertain the thought that my daughter would have cancer after I just found her. Would anyone mind if I screamed?

Kitty, that's perfect! The only way to make it is to throw our cares on God, just like He wants us to and live His way. I had to learn it the hard way, but kids who grow up like me tend to grow up tough on the emotions. OK, big changes, eh.

Laura, may God shower you with peace and love, then bless you with Heaven's rainbow of His gentle mercy. God won't leave your side, and He will never abandon you to deal with this life on your own. Just rest in Him, and let Him comfort you.

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Oh, dear, Mark, you are really going through it too . . . . I have a feeling you may be a bit exhausted and you are in serious need of some solid restorative sleep. I wonder if there is any way you can work that out? I'm so sorry for what you and Christy are going through right now, it's such a difficult time it seems for both of you. Sometimes it makes no sense how God can seemingly pile one chaotic episode on top of anothter. When I look back on times like that in my life I believe I was being brought to a "breaking point". A place where I had to go in order to fully surrender. It surely may not seem it now, but God is on the move and He will provide you with whatever it is you both need in order to survive this challenging time. I can only try to encourage you the best I can - it's not lip service, I am living proof that God will never, ever let you down. It's at times like you are both in when I just drop to my knees and say "Git R Dunn Daddy"!!! Well, something like that anyway . . . hee hee. . . . . GOD BLESS YOU PRECIOUS FRIENDS and HOLD ON TO GOD'S PROMISES!!

Love,

Kitty

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kagansmommy

Mark..I wish so bad that I could be ther to give you and Mary both a big hug. I wish I could be there to help you thru this time in your life. You have been such a great friend to me as everyone here has been. It kills me to hear the pain you are in emotionally and there is nothing I can do to help...except pray~!! I think about you both so often and wonder how you are doing. I will pray your daughter is ok too. I sit and wonder the same thing about Kagan. Why did God allow me to have this wonderful miracle only to take him away. But you can't think like that. You can't make up for lost time and I ma sure that is weighing heavy on your heart right now. But you have today and many more tomorrows so make the best of it. I lived each day with Kagan like there was no tomorrow because I was so scared of the future. I thank God now that I did. We made the best of every day we had together. Just stay focused...get some rest and try to find some alone time for just you and God. It's amazing what you hear if you just listen. Like the little song birds that started singing while I was laying on my son's grave in the middle of the night. I listened to the beauty and the message in their beautiful music and instantly calmed down.

These last couple days have been where I want to physically hurt someone. I would never do that but that is how frustrated I feel. I feel like my skin is crawling and I am jumpy all over. So I stop and breath and focus on what is right in front of me...not tomorrow. My heart hurt's for you and Mary...and your daughter. You are a constant part of my prayers.

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

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Thanks everyone. I can't ask God for better friends than each and every one of you. Without you holding up my family in prayer, I would most certainly fall apart. I am about to crash, but I just had to say thanks for getting me and my family through today. Mary is hurting tonight, but sleeping well. Tina just called to say she thinks she will be able to sleep tonight. I owe this all to you all, for praying for us.

Earlier tonight, I heard that old Cathedrals' song, Wedding Music. It seemed to make this torture a little easier to bear. There's a line something like "we will rise to leave this land of sorrow for that ceremony in the air. The Father then will lead us through the Holy Land of Splendor." It's going to be some party when I see my brother Cameron, and get to hug my wife up there!

Well, it's after midnight in NY, so I can say that we will know later on this morning, hopefully, about Tina's test results. As soon as I hear something, I will write to tell you all. Rest well, my friends, our Lord will watch over you. No fear or sorrow can pass through God's perfect peace. Christy, I love e-mailed hugs: I'll virtually give one to Mary. Good night, your misplaced Canadian, Mark

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Greetings All!! I hope everyone is having a good day. It is absolutely STUNNINGLY GORGEOUS in New Hampshire today. Low 80's, Bright Sun, Blue Sky!! We so deserve it!!

I have a praise report to share!!! My husband is really showing signs of emerging from his depression and withdrawal from me. Slowly but very surely he is sharing more time, communication, affection, etc. I am so thankful to each of your for your prayers for us. Really God does intervene when there are so many praying for each other. That's why we need each other so much. THANK YOU from deep inside my heart.

I was thinking about how much healthier I am now than I was a year ago. Erin's death was truly a life altering event for me. I've made many, many positive changes since she passed and I am so thankful to God for never letting me down once. I can say with all honesty now that I hold no hate, anger, resentfulness or bitterness toward any other person. I couldn't say that a year ago. I can say now that I've come to terms and dealt with my insecurities, and also that I am making great progress with my need to control.

Burdens have been lifted! God has restored me to a healthier place than I think I've ever been. Erin's passing was a catalyst for this change. I think I can say that this past year was my true conversion. I was a believer since age nine, I accepted Christ and was baptized and saved at age 24, but here at age 43 i feel as if i've only now truly been born again. and it's the greatest gift in the world, nothing i've ever expererienced has compared to this lightness of being. THERE IS FREEDOM IN CHRIST.

I love you guys,

Kitty

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Hi Everybody,

I have been having technical difficulties with my pc so if your not hearing from me that is why. I hope you all are doing good.

KITTY...I am glad to see you are feeling renewed and grounded again...sometimes I think we just have to get down to ground zero in order to rise up agin.

CHRISTY, I know it is so difficult for you right now...I think you are doing a really unbelievable job dealing with Kagan's "passing"....I will never say died...cause I don't believe that. They live on! That is what pulls me out of my dulldrums when I get really down.

SWEET NIKKI.....We all love you and are behind you always so please know you can call upon any of us whenever you need us...I love you from afar!

MARK, thank you for all your support and prayers....You are a great and loving husband and I am so glad you and you wife have each other...I am praying for your daughter...I know she is o.k.

I hope everyone has a beautiful day...I am preparing mentally for Monday as it is my one year anniversay of my husband's "passing". I have never stopped crying and probally never will. I lost part of my heart when he "passed". A part of me went with him....Life just doesn't feel the same and I struggle with that every minute of everyday....I loved him with "every" fiber of my being. I never knew a body could shed so many tears or that my heart could actually really feel broken....I'm searching!

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Lauraa, my prayer today is that in the midst of your pain that you recognize how much progress your making. it is AMAZING to read your posts and see so CLEARLY the love of Christ in your heart and the love of Christ pouring out to those of us who are also struggling in pain. Lauraa, God's plan is perfect. We will never understand as long as we are in our earthly bodies why those we love so much are taken. I believe it is our job to trust, obey, and remain faithful to our heavenly Father. Truly, ALL things work together for the good for God's faithful children. not some things - ALL things. my prayer is that you also will eventually come to the place where you are peaceful and you accept God's blueprint. that you come to the place where you look around at your life and say to yourself "GOD, TAKE OVER COMPLETELY AND USE ME AND ALL THAT I AM, PAIN AND ALL, FOR YOUR KINGDOM AND FOR YOUR GLORY". . . . there will never be a day that passes that i don't miss erin. especially her smile and laugh. once in a while when the phone rings i still think it will be her. i'm so sorry your arms are empty and that your earthly soulmate has passed. you are precious and God's very favored child and His plan for you does not include lonliness or any feeling of abandonment. you again will be full and complete. you will never stop loving or missing your wonderful husband, but you will again feel full and complete if you allow yourself to rest fully in God's arms. . . . FREEFALL!!

Love TO ALL,

Kitty

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Kitty, Thank you for your loving support...it means so much to me! Yes, I am sad and the emotions are welling up inside of me. There is so much to cry about. I am trying to turn it all over to god but I am mad at him. I don't think god caused my husband to get sick but I do think he could of stopped it...we tried and worked so hard to get him well. It is a long and complicated story. We were together from the age of 14 so we were together almost 35 years...we grew up together. I miss him so much and as you all know the ache in your heart that comes with the loss of our loved ones. I have to just remind myself to keep breathing. I have gotten a real lesson in humanity and alot that I've seen is not pretty. I guess we all have to be careful of wolves dressed in sheeps clothing....thank you again for your encouragement and prayers...as I really, really need them. I am trying with everything I have to

regain my faith. Or maybe I should say trust...I don't know? I am still having problems with my computer and it took along time to get it up and running today. I'm trying to avoid the expense of calling someone in to help me....I hope everyone here is doing good.

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Laura, it's so hard to build or rebuild an ability to trust. The angels know I have my moments of pure panic around some people. At one time, I couldn't imagine thrity five minutes with someone, much less years. Now, my wife and I are going on twenty years. Amazing how life twists and turns to make these things so beautiful. She's more to me than my own life.

Kitty, don't you love that freedom?! Sometimes, freedom has a bitter price tag; we only need to look at what Jesus did. It's that freedom that lets you heal from the pain of losing Erin. You've told us an answer to a lot of prayers for you and your hubbie. We'll keep praying for your needs always.

Christy, you're in my prayers always. Stay strong in your faith, and find your rest in God, who can let you rest near a cool brook with shade trees. Sounds like good fishing, doesn't it?

We've had a few turns here. I wasn't around lately: the migraines got to me, and I lost my eyesight. My wife is having it worse. Her pain is out of control, and on top of that, the school where she worked was holding her employment so she could keep her insurance and is now having difficulties. She has always been a teacher, and is so hopelessly depressed, I can't get her to take her meds. It's so hard to see the dreams of a 25 year career vanish. The hardest part is that this changes her insurance structure, and her upcoming treatments may not be covered. Hmmmm, now to find another hundred grand.

Nikki wrote to say she is done with college for summer. Yippee! She did well on the finals. She's having headaches, and her Mom is needing more care. I'm sure she'll appreciate your prayers for her, especially for less stress and more rest. I'll let you know more as we go.

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Just so you guys know - I am not always a pillar of strength. . . as a matter of fact I'm having one of those days that I don't like to have. My flesh is screaming "WHAT ABOUT ME??" . . . . the good news is, I know what to do. The answer is always found (at least for me) in falling on my knees and repenting of my selfish heart and asking for wisdom and strength to rise above my fleshly cry for attention. Being a woman is a peculiar thing. A blessing and a curse. Just this morning before work I was singing about how I'm no longer a "frustrated female" but now I'm a "satisfied sister"!! Three hours later I'm crying in my kool-aid. Oh dear.

Kitty's Thought for the Day: BE OF GOOD CHEER.

Now I am being completely honest when I sit here and type and tell you I want to do ANYTHING else right now but be of good cheer. My feelings were just really, really hurt.

BUT. . . Praise God that my experience tells me when I have remained quiet and pressed through feelings like this and "thought on all things lovely that God has provided" . . . I will be blessed out of this mess.

So, that's what I'm gonna do.

I love you all,

(secretly i'm sneering arrrggghhhhh. . . WHOOPS! Forgive me Father!!

Kitty

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I am weak but Thou art strong, Jesus keep me from all wrong. I'll be satisfied as long, just as long as You walk close to me.

Kitty, I hope I didn't say anything to upset you. If I ever did that, I'd cry. I will pray for you all day. You are a wonderful person and a dear friend. Take this day moment by moment in His love and strength.

here's a hug, Mark

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oh dear no mark!!! no!! no!! no!! it was something that happened with my husband. . . . you are a treasure and a gem and i love your input. i am blessed so much by you and your kind thoughts and prayers!! I praise God for each of my friends here. no tears from you mister!! :D

i am weak

but THOU art strong

JESUS keep me from all wrong

i'll be satisfied as long

just as long as

YOU walk close to me

I love that! I am praying for you too Mark and your precious wife. God will provide. if there is anything i can ever do to help you, please let me know. i won't stop praying . . . . never.

lauraa, it's just fine that you are angry with God. that too will pass. you believe and that's what matters. i will say it until i take my last breath - God's promises are real.

Love you all,

kitty

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Kitty, I'm sorry you're in the middle of so much. If I were to not pray for you, I would feel so useless as a believer. If you'd like to borrow my sledge hammer for catharsis on something inanimate, I'll send it.

Laura, God told us to go to Him as dear children. Have you been able to yet raise a child who didn't get angry at you? I have a 17 year old, and oy, what we go through. Even my 30 year old daughter gets bent out of shape at me (especially if I'm online during a migraine - like now). I believe He expects that we will get angry with Him occasionally. It's a part of our sanctifying, that fine art of growing into the image of Jesus.

Today will be a strain for us. My wife has to go to her doctor in about an hour. This is going completely out of control. She's so depressed, she's talking about, well, you know. This hurts more than anything else, even walking away from home at 13. What a year that was! I'll be back a little later to tell you what's going to happen next, but I'm sure it won't be pretty. My love and prayer to all of you, my dear friends, Mark

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Christy, where are you? Are you okay? Hold on girl, better days are coming. Time is a true healer, God is good that way. Just like Lauraa, we will never be completely healed from the hole that is left in our hearts, but time does help ease the intense pain. This has been my experience anyway. I'm praying for you girl, don't let go of your faith that God will see you through. HE WILL. I remember so clearly thinking that He abandoned me at times. It never, ever proved to be true in hindsight.

Mark, I have passed your first name around to my prayer warrior friends and we are interceding today on your behalf. . . . Nikki has my email address if you need anything that i can help you with. please don't hesitate to contact me if you think there is something i can do. I am on my knees for you and your bride to feel some much deserved RELIEF.

Have a good weekend everyone, and, if you can, try to think on all things lovely. . . God has blessed us each in so many ways.

Love,

Kitty

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Hi Everyone,

Hang in therer with me as this darn computer is have a hard time doing what I want it to do?? In 3 days it will be one year without my husband. I feel overwhelmed with my loss. This year has been a rollercoaster of emotions. Even on the most beautiful of days I have lost my zest. I am sorry to complain to all you guys. Sometimes, I don't know where to turn as I have to be strong for my kids and get thru the days. I cry in private...alot. Why, Why, Why???? I must have done something really bad in my life to have deserved to loose him....and I thought I was the best kid I could be....How good do we have to be for bad things like this to not happen. Why does god call the good first? And, young? Why? I can not go to church. People are asking me if I am going to have a mass?....I couldn't get thru the first 5 minutes. I will have a mass in my heart and it will between me, my husband, children and god. Isn't that what the bible says, to pray in private. Only god knows what is honest and pure in my heart. I am so tired of feeling tired and sad...why do we have to suffer so much? I have lost so much and my whole world has changed. I am angry and have to fight alot and that is not my nature. Is god with me thru that? I think my body has got to be completely detoxed with all the tears that I've shed. There have been so many anniversaries to get thru but this is the hardest. I am tired of being both mom and dad to three hormonal teenager (love them with my whole heart). They are great kids and are the reason that I have been able to get out of bed everyday. I don't know what to pray for anymore. Time heals all wounds...how much time? Kitty and Mark...you guys are an inspiration to me. Mark, I know about migranes and I hope yours subside...maybe lack of sleep, stress,etc. I hope the doctors can help today with Mary...just hold her hand and tell her how much you love her. I wish I could tell my husband just one more time. Kitty, you always bounce back and stronger every time...thank you for you strength and inspiration. I use to think I supported people on these sites but I seem to have slipped into the valley a bit longer than usual.

Everyone else...I think of you all the time. Hang in there Christy I know the pain...keep holding on. Kagan is listening and with you. NIKKI, I think of you and your family everyday..I know how good you are...keep doing what you do...I know your mom loves you like no other. And I know your brothers look up to you with great respect and love.

Love to all.

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Just got back from that doctor's office, and I just want to hear my old friend Bruce Cockburn's song, "If I Had A Rocket Launcher." I'm twisted, I know. The good news is her dr is doing all she can to help us. The bad news is there's nothing she can do. Like I didn't know that. It looks like we turned the page and are in the final of this ride. In so many ways, I wish I were still in Canada, just for the medical coverage, but I fear it wouldn't help her too much, being a US citizen.

Kitty, I could just hug you! You're such a good friend. Here we sit in the worst this life can dish out, and yet, together we have the strength to rise above it and heal (well, to a degree). That hole in my heart is growing while I sit with her. Hold her hand? It hurts her too much to touch her, just makes her scream in pain.

Laura, you are not complaining. You are telling us the truth of how you feel in your pain. My dear friend, you did nothing wrong to cause this. It's okay to feel angry. As hard as it is to do, try to keep that anger from harming you. It has a way of creating the most undesirable problems. If you need anything, no matter how trivial it seems to you, please ask. I would do anything in my power to help you through this pain. God knows I have been through enough to want to help others. Thanks for the encouragement. The headache is still here, and I'll probably have it for another day or two. They just do this to me.

Now, Laura, about your computer. If it's acting like it has brain damage, download a free program called Ad-Aware. Kill anything it finds, and it may help. There's also a free trial download from Bullguard for virus protection. If they don't help, then Start, Programs, Accessories, System Tools, and try running Disc Drefragmenter and Disk Cleaner. Let me know if it helps you any.

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kagansmommy

Hello everyone~!! Just wanted to let you all know I am still here. My Mom is getting married tomorrow plus Peter has been on vacation this week so we have been really busy. I'm pretty stressed out about the wedding but she is marrying a good man and I really like him. I'll be back but not sure when. Mt son refuses to go to the wedding (as does half the family) so I am going to get my grand kid's tomorrow too. Lord help me get tru this~!!

Take care and thanks for worrying about me. It's nice to know someone out there is thinking of me and praying for me.

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

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Thanks Mark for the computer advice...something is going on...I'll get to the bottom of it. My oldest son thinks we should just get a couple new ones$$$$$$$$

I will pray for you and Mary...for strength and peace. I found my husbands diary not to long ago and he wrote a letter to god...he said he wasn't afraid to die but just didn't want to leave his family that he loved so much. I think that is our greatest suffering. I know you all must be exhausted so I will pray for a good nights rest for you all. Thanks for all your support and prayers...Power of prayer!

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Christy, I absolutely can't let you go through this without praying for you. May God give you the strength to carry yourself gracefully throughout the day, and a peaceful spirit to handle the emotions and stuff involved with the event. Please try to NOT do the crazy things I normally pull off at a wedding, like bacon on the car engine, or nooses, guns (oh that was my wedding, and he was my bodyguard). Remind me sometime to tell you what we did to a friend in Canada - I wonder if she'll ever forgive me for that one.

Laura, may I send you this hug? You seem to need it, and deserve it. Thank you for being such a dear friend. Today was some nightmare for us, but there you were, cheering me up . . . again. Thank you so much. As you journey through the next days, please feel free to get in touch if you need a friend to scream at or shoulder to cry on. On so many planes, I manage to relate to your sorrow and pain. It's got to be the worst thing to lose the one we love the most, and who am I to complain? I still have her for a little while, yet I hide in the studio and cry my head off. My wife and I weren't childhood sweethearts. We met in college 20 years ago, and were engaged after a whole 2 weeks of dating, on Valentine's Day. If I could do it all over, I would a million times (I'm hopelessly in love with her).

About that teenager thing, been there, dreaded that. My oldest is 30, but I have two of those aliens still home. My 17 year old and I get into it pretty good at times, but he's just like his Dad. Makes me wonder if my parents were glad I ran away from home. LOL. Don't go out and buy new puters unless of course you get those 3000 dollar gaming ones, with 3D graphics cards and two harddrives. Aren't I bad? That's what my 17 year old wants me to waste money on. hehehe. The old man has news for him . . .

My wife's dr saw the scaries today when her legs turned black and purple at the office. It looks like her heart is now involved, so we get more tests. Yippee! Like we need that. At least Social Security has now accepted this illness as "real" for disability benefits. Paperwork started. Keep you posted, eh.

My friends, have a good night, and may God's peace be like the stars overhead. There's no way to count or measure them. Mark

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kagansmommy

Bacon on the car engine huh? Didn't think about that one. My Mom would CHOKE me if I tried something like that. She has a brand new truck and all our lives have been threatened if we touch it. I have to pick up my grand kids at noon...Lord give me strength~!!! I love them to death but they are a handful at 18 months and 5 months. Thank you Mark for the prayers...I need all I can get~!!

I got up this morning with a horrible sinus headache. My head feels like it is going to explode. I hope Mary isn't having too much pain today. God be with you both and I'll be praying for you too.

Take care and I hope everyone has a good day~!!

Christy

"MOMMY LOVES YOU KAGAN"

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Okay Christy, now that it's way too late for you to do this one. . . When I still lived in Canada, a friend's wedding came up in New Brunswick and I had to be away in my transport. Another friend and I plotted against her to hire someone to go to it and when the preacher asked if anyone had cause why the couple shouldn't be married, he stood up, walked to the front, looked at each of them and then the preacher. Then real cool, he said, "Oops, wrong wedding," I swear I heard her yell all the way to Toronto. LOL. I aaaaaaam bad.

May God take away that headache, and give you a truckload of peace with the grandbabies. My grandson is four years old, and trust me, it just gets "better"????? I love him so much, but he's so wound up . . . all the time. Ah, the bright side, I don't have to change those yucky diapers.

As for home, my wife is still so depressed I'm worried. I'm watching her closely. Her pain is bad, but we have her pretty well medicated. My daughter has been dx'ed with a u t condition, and it's somewhat treatable. No cure exists. The treatment sounds worse than the illness, but that's usually the case, eh. She's strong, so I'm sure she'll be okay. I'm planning to go to IL to spend a little time with her. Do you know how I can be cloned?

Take it easy today, and hope that wedding is beautiful. Hugs and prayer and love from Mark

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kagansmommy

YES Mark...you are bad~!! I wouldn't have the nerve to try that one. The wedding went off without a hitch. It was simple yet elegant. My Brother and his wife didn't show up which really hurt my Mom. He didn't approve of what she was doing. But he sure is willing to snatch up all my Dad's things when offered to him. But what goes around comes around~!!! Thay is my favorite saying.

I hope everyones weekend went smooth. I had a couple breakdowns but nothing major. I guess I had too much on my mind with the wedding to think about missing Kagan as much. Mothers day is over...the wedding is over....Peter is going back to work tomorrow after a 10 day vacation. So hopefully we can get back into some sort of routine.

Peace be with you all tonight~!!

Christy

"MOMMY LOVES YOU KAGAN"

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Hello All! The day before mother's day (saturday the 7th) i bought myself a beautiful ring, a garnet with diamonds. . . simple but so pretty! garnet is erin's birthstone as she was born in january. anyway, it had to be sized so i couldn't pick it up until friday night. I LOVE IT! it's bringing me such joy to look at. i'm not much of a jewelry person, but this bling bling is lighting up my life every time i look at it. i wish i could send you all a picture of it, it's so pretty. lauraa. . . christy . . . maybe that would be a good idea for you guys too. just a thought. . . but it really does warm my heart and smile when i look at it.

I hope everyone had a good weekend. I start my first violin lesson today at 4:30. Maybe I will be the next Yo-Yo Ma.

Love To ALL,

Kitty

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Kitty, I'm so happy to hear the treat is making you so happy. You need to do that once in a while just to make yourself feel good about being you. Hope you really enjoy the violin. Playing music is something a person must experience to understand. It's pure emotion.

Christy, it's good to hear the wedding was so beautiful. It had to be: I didn't sabotage it LOL. Hopefully, your grandbabies were little angels for you.

I'm out to pick up papers for the surgery. My wife is a bundle of nerves, mostly cuz the illness makes surgery a big risk. Thanks for praying for my rest. I slept all weekend, except for a few minutes to drag out and check on e-mails. The headache is much better now. My daughter has her first treatment of dimethyl sulfoxide (I think that's right) tomorrow. More later. A big hug to you all, Mark

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kagansmommy

Good idea Kitty~!! I had thought about getting myself one before but never did. Now I really want one. Kagan's birthday is July 7th so his stone is Ruby. I hadn't worn my ring's for so long because I was afraid of scratching Kagan. But I wore them to my Mom's wedding and it was kind of nice to have the bling bling on again. I even did my nails and had them painted red so they looked good.

It felt good just to dress up for a change. My own aunt's didn't recognize me.

Well my grand daughter just left so I need to pick up the path of destruction.

She is like a micro sized tornado. I hope everyone has a good day.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

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Christy - it is so nice to hear a lighter tone in your last post! PRAISE GOD, maybe you are feeling a little relief? I am praying for that, for you to experience the peace that surpasses all understanding. God was so good to me that way - I can't explain it - I miss my girl so much but everyday I pray for God to give her a big hug and a kiss from me and I KNOW that He does. That she is getting special attention!! Our God is an awesome God and He will always provide. Little by little there will be a measure of joy that is reinstalled into your heart and soul Christy. There will be good times again! This is my message for both you and Lauraa. . . There is a time for everything. . . a time to mourn . . . and again there will be a time to rejoice. Just think of that glorious day when the circle is unbroken! Boy, do we have A LOT to look forward to.

PRAISING HIM THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH!

Love you ALL,

kitty

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Hi everyone. My daughter is home from her first treatment of dimethyl sulfoxide. She is not a happy camper from the pain, but she thinks it's going to get better with a few more treatments. Thanks for praying.

My wife is now scheduled for surgery. Thursday at noon we are in the OR. If all goes well, next week we get to go for the other treatment for her. Your prayers are so appreciated, I can't put it all into words. I owe you all a debt of gratitude I can never repay.

Christy, a few things over the last few days just didn't quite get into my hands because of all the stress. But, I must say, it's so sick when our blood kin fight and grab to get what they can at the passing of relatives. I just walk away and let them do whatever, then talk to the spirit of the person. On a better thought, I'll bet you were the most beautiful lady at your Mom's wedding.

Kitty, it's the most precious of thoughts, that we will be reunited with the ones we love when we get to Heaven. While my wife and I suffer the pain of how bad being separated will be, we are so happy to know that we will be together forever. And it's so sweet to know that our three children will join us there. Can life get any better? Thanks for such encouraging words, and for being such a dear Christian friend.

Talk to you all later on, and I'm always praying for you, Mark

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kagansmommy

Hello everyone~!! Thanks for the compliment Mark. I definately felt good about myself at the wedding for the first time in a VERY long time. I thought about Kagan a lot that day but I didn't let it get me down. I sent you and Mary a pic of Peter and I all dressed up at the wedding. My Mom told me my new look was way to "HIPPY-FIED" for her taste. Thats why it's "my" look and not hers. I'm 40 years old and don't need her approval anymore...right?

Yes, there is definately a lighter tone to my post's. I have had several good days lately. I started a new anti-depressant last week and I think it has helped a lot. Mark, I hate to hear your daughter was in so much pain. How do they do a treatment like that? And what is it for? If you think that is too personal to answer that's fine. I completely understand.

I will be praying for you and Mary both for strength to get thru thursday. I know you definately have a full plate right now and need the extra strength.

Just when it seems like you can't take anymore something esle happens and then what you were dealing with doesn't seem so bad anymore. Funny how things work.

I'm going to crash now...hopefully I can sleep. Everyone have a peaceful sleep.

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

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May I be so Bold as to ask for Prayers today?

For the wounding in my heart that is so deep.

For protection from the enemy who is pouncing maliciously,

causing doubt and fear.

GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN.

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Lord, we ask Your angels stand around Kitty to protect her from the enemy's attacks. We also ask You to continue to give her courage to minister to the many souls within her reach, and strength to stand at the end of the day. Let her rest by the quiet streams near the shade trees, just like David wrote of in the Psalms. May You fill her with peace, love and joy through every moment.

Christy, Um, like, uh, wow, er, ..... You must have knocked them all out! And what's wrong with the hippie look? You two look fantastic! I'd be proud of your presence at a formal here. Of, course, my mother is kinda the same: square. She still can't adjust to being a great-grandmother.

OK, you asked. My daughter has interstitial cystitis. It's a condition of cysts on the lining of her bladder. The DMSO is instilled via catheter, then held for twenty minutes to treat it. She also has another cystic condition, and it's also painful. Dad gets a lot of midnight calls when she hurts. I love her, and I'll do whatever to help her. Hey, she is Daddy's little girl!

I hit the edit to do this, because we just got a call that my wife's treatment may possibly be on hold. If it is, she's in a tizzy about having surgery tomorrow for a treatment that won't be. I'm getting fed up with these doctors. They had to call this afternoon. Well, thanks for all the prayers, my friends. I'll keep you posted. Mark

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I want to update you on the situation with my wife. Her neurologist called this afternoon and cancelled the surgery. He is afraid she isn't strong enough to endure the surgery at this point and her blood pressure is too high and we can't get it under control. The hits just keep on coming. So, next Monday we'll visit the neurologist to see what we can do about this. I love traveling three hundred miles one way for this appointment. From talking to the nurse at the neuro's office this afternoon, it looks like we may have hit a point of needing to make that decision to stop her treatments altogether. This will only accelerate the progression of the illness. We are undoubtedly very upset, and my wife is so very depressed tonight. I have asked our church for prayer, and I am asking you, my friends for support in prayer, also. This is going to be difficult for a few days, and yet, I have this overwhelming sense of God's presence with me. I can't describe it at all, but it's here and so real. Well, please pray my wife doesn't do something in her depression (you know) that would be so final. She has tried before. We are on watch now, again.

Christy, thank you so much for being the friend you are. There are times I wish my own sister was willing to be as close to me as you are. I am so blessed, I have no reason or right to complain. I have my children and a grandson, and a gorgeous wife.

Rest well my freinds, I'm praying for you all. Love y'all, Mark

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kagansmommy

Mark...I am so sorry to hear your wife is at this point in her illness. Unfortunately I know what you are facing. The decision you are being forced to make. And I know that overwhelming presence of God. When I was told of Kagans condition and the progression it had made and was handed a decision to make I was hysterical. How do you decide to let your baby die? How do you decide something like that? Then all of a sudden I got this overwhelming sence of peace and I knew it was time to let him go...in peace. Not let the disease ravage his body and die naturally. I know, like me, you would give your own life to have her healthy again. But then they would be the ones suffering for the rest of their lives as we will be doing. I wouldn't want Kagan to go thru what I am going thru. They will be healthy in heaven...we are still here on earth living a total hell without them. They are the winners here, not us.

I wish I could be there to be that sister you need. I wish you could be the brother I need. It is sad that the closest family I have, I have never even laid eyes on. I pray that you and Mary have a peace about what you are faced with. I pray that she doesn't try to end it sooner than God has planned. But I have been there in those shoes and I know how she feels. It is an ugly place to be and you, my brother, are going to need a lot of strength to keep her from going there. You have all my prayers and peace be with you both.

Christy

"MOMMY LOVES YOU KAGAN"

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Christy, I just dragged my sorry carcass out of bed to first of all read your message. It's the best way I can think to starting today. Thanks. I'm with you. I would rather it be me anyday, but I'd also rather it be me here going through the misery than her. She's my entire life, well, except the part not consumed by our children.

In some ways, I'm happy that I'm not close to my family. I can't take much of them. At Christmas we may spend about an hour in my sister's home and that's plenty. I don't need my children to see the family bash their Dad too much.

Oh, skip it. Let's go fishing. It's more fun anyway. I know of this lake in the middle of nowhere, and the walleye are doing well there. The northern pike are going nuts there too. LOL

Here's my prayer for all of you for a good day. May God make it the best you can enjoy. Love you all, Mark

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WALLEYE...PIKE...A lake in the middle of nowhere? Tell me when and where and we will be there. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to run away to a place like that and forget our troubles even existed for just a few hours? If life were only that easy.

I understand about the family thing all too well. My family don't even invite me to holiday dinners. I wouldn't go even if they did because of how they have treated me. They didn't even know Kagan when he passed away...that is sad.

I wish we were all lucky enough to at least live in the same state. I would love to meet your family...they sound wonderful.

Well, I am off to take my aunt to get a tooth pulled..yippee~!!! She is my favorite aunt and one of the few that have accepted Peter into this disfunctional family. I hope you have a better day today. Peace be with you both.

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

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Yeah, Christy, and even Muskies. I love those monsters. How about a nice lake secluded so far off that the mosquitoes need a map to find you? Well, they are kinda big, and some have jet engines, but we have good skeeter dope. LOL. I'm going to send you an e-mail, so watch the new address. Somehow, it got all messed up.

I'm so sorry about your family. It's a heartbreak when they care so little. I can't believe they would have so little to do with you that they wouldn't know your priceless little treasure of a son. What a wonderful little boy! Yeesh! Must I continue? I can't believe such behavior! You're welcome in our family anytime, as long as you can handle our craziness. LOL.

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kagansmommy

Mark I really tried to spoil myself today but it didn't work. I have spent the whole day shaking inside trying to fight off a panic attack and lost about an hour ago. As soon as I got in the car with my aunt it started. All I wanted to do was crawl back into bed and hide. I had slept 12 hours last night and most of the day yesterday. I hate it when I get like this. No matter what I do I can't shake it off. My son had 2 softball games tonight that I was looking forward to and hoping it would cheer me up to see the kid's. But because of severe storms and tornadoes they were cancelled....just my luck. I just got one of those late night calls that we parents love so much. It makes me feel good that they turn to me and take my advice. I learned a lot taking care of Kagan and they figure if I don't know what to do then nobody does. I tell them what I was told at Riley Hospital and I figure they know what they are doing.

I know I am just rambling because I am still very shakey and nervous. I took a xanax and a sleeping pill so hopefully I won't be concious enough to feel it.

I haven't seen or heard anything from Laura. I hope everything is okay with her. I need to email Nikki and check on her too. I have been horrible about keeping in touch with her. I am glad she has your daughter to talk to.

Take care everyone. I hope you have a good nights sleep.

Christy

"Mommy loves you and misses you so much Kagan...my arm's ache to hold you baby"

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Tonight I need prayer. My wife is in agony. The seizures are like a hyper three year old and she's screaming in pain. It's going to be a long night again. I was out installing new lights on the rig so we could see in the fog on our trip next week, and my neighbor helped a lot. We sat on the side of the street and joked around for a little bit, which felt so good to blow off the stress. Now it's back to reality.

So everyone knows, check my profile for the new e-mail addy. I got hit by some psycho, and we security locked it to Fort Knox status. Please write to the new one from now on. I'll tell you all how well we managed through this spell. Hugs and love to all, Mark

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kagansmommy

Oh Mark I am so sorry to hear that. I will concentrate on nothing but Mary and pray as hard as I know how for her. May Gpd bring her peace and ease the pain enough that you both can get some rest. Keep us posted when you can.

Love you both like family....Christy

"I love you Kagan"

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Thanks Christy. Prayer is the most important part. As we go through the next few days, we will be pushed to the breaking point. I'm not willing, but must go to the doctor on Monday. We'll tell you how it will be for us on Monday night or Tuesday morning. No matter how it turns for my wife's health and how much longer I get to share this journey with her, I'm thankful to God that I've shared it with her. She's the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me.

Well, too many things to do, like back to trying to get her pain under control. I've been using wet cloths on her legs to "trick" her nerves into other sensations.

Keep the faith, my friends, our Redeemer is so near. I'll always hold you in my heart and prayers. Mark

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Heavenly Father, I ask in the precious name of Jesus for you to cradle Mary in your arms today and release her from the prison of pain she is sentenced to. I ask for a complete healing in her body, for her nervous system to be restored and her muscles to regain their strength and coordination.

Father, I am on the third day of a three day fast. THIS IS THE DAY PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED, THE THIRD DAY IS THE MAGIC DAY. Please Father, take Mary's pain from her and please do it now. You're word tells me to ask and it will be given. Many are asking and I am asking you now during this sacred time of fasting for this pain to be banished forever from Mark's beautiful bride.

Furthermore, I take the authority of the cross and blood of JESUS CHRIST and bind the enemy's entrance into any of Mary's thoughts about harming herself.

In Jesus Holy Name I ask,

AMEN

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Just had to do that . . . .

Hi everyone, I've been missing you all and am sorry to return to hear of Mary's level of attack. ARGHHH. I'm so sorry Mark, I will not stop praying for you, Mary and your entire family.

I am getting hungry. . . my last morsel of food was Tuesday night at 7:00. I am pressing into a fast for God's leading on some issues that I have felt much confusion over. I am one of those sickos who "gets off" on fasting. It actaully really feels good. I drink a lot of organic juices and teas and drink tons of water so I am getting sufficiet calories. But I really feel that God responds to fasting and prayer when they are tied together, at least that has been my experience.

I am ready for a salad for sure after 7:00 tonight though. . . .

KEEP THE FAITH MARK.

God Bless You All,

Kitty

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Kitty, you're a dear. As soon as I read that loving prayer, I just sat crying. Love ya', girl. Now, you go for that fast. I'll stand with you on it all the way through. God answers the prayers of the faithful, and sometimes it takes a fast to understand His will. I'll be praying for Him to show you His will. If you'd like, I'll join you fasting. When His children join together, there's a power that Satan himself can't stand against.

We went to the doc this afternoon, and she was even wondering how much longer my wife will keep going. That really hit me! I wasn't wanting to hear the docs admit this yet. Well, not for at least another few years or decades or . . I'm feeling so . . . overwhelmed?

Well, I'll write more later. I need to spend some time with my teenager. Love and prayers, Mark

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Hi Guys,

Sorry I have been away...my computer "Crashed" for about 10 days. It is probally just as well that I wasn't here as I have been in the "dumps". I can't take one more thing. I use to have such a beautifully filled life and I know I still have that but it is so empty without my dear husband. I am faced with so many complicated problems...Somehow I manage to sort thru them and prioritize things and make it thru. This is the eve of my husbands funeral from last year.....and I was upset over a couple of other things so needless to say it is a very difficult time for me. And on top of all that my siblings are starting to feud over all the "crap" and you all know what I mean from after my dad passws.I wish everyone would grow up and stop wasting energy over stupid stuff...it upsets me as I feel they are insensitive to bring that stuff to me at this particular time.

Mark, I am praying for you and Mary...I pray for peace and comfort. I know god listens to our prayers (even though I am mad at him right now). He has all kinds of tools to work with, ie. angels, loved one who has "passed" before us, love. God has a plan already...that I have learned. I have to believe that my husband is in the most beautiful place imaginable and not sick any more. I know that....but it still isn't easy and the grieving goes on. Today, I have cried so long and hard my eye balls are swollen. I know what it is to care for the love of your life and watch them fail before your eyes. I know what you are going thru just like everyone here. I know you are in overdrive. If I could recommend one thing I would tell you to tell Mary as much as you can how deeply you love her. Remember how peaceful you felt when you thought you were passing.....It is peaceful. Going home. But, she is still with you and your time together is so precious....Hugs to all!

Kitty, I like that fast thing and I was going to do a fast this week but Monday morning I knew it was going to be an emotional week so I decided to wait until I felt stronger. I have the most wonderful fast I want to share with you. www.blessedherbs.com Click on colon cleanse. It is unbelievable and seeing is believing.....If you want to do this let me know and we can do it together...that is helpful to have a buddy while doing it and it is only 5 days.

Christy, I'll bet you looked beautiful all dressed up. I'm surue Kagan was watching you fondly and saying "that's my mom". I think you were right when you said they are in a better place and you wouldn't want him to suffer like we are. Trust me he is in a better place. I have found the most beautiful Spiritual church and when I went Sunday I had a reading and she told me my husband was hugging me and that he was as close to me as my own soul....and, that he was always with me....she told me other things which confirmed he was doing great and watching over us. Remember they are o.k.

ISAIAH 57:1-2

Tomorrow is going to be extremely busy as my kids are all over the place. My daughter has a barmitzvah in the morning followed with a party and then tomorrow night another party. My 15 yr. old son has a double header baseball game and my 19 yr old son is in the State track meet....How can I be everywhere at once....Oh well, I'll let you know how it goes.

I pray for peace and comfort for everyone...bless you all!

Laura

p.s. NIKKI...we love "YOU". I have you and your family in my heart always!

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