I Believe in God...

[kagansmommy]

You people are absolutely the GREATEST~!!! I felt so bad after I posted last night. I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. But then I remember we are all in the same boat together and if we can't be honest about our feelings here then where can we? I need to know when everyone else is having a bad day because then I don't feel so alone. I don't feel childish or crazy for feeling the way i do. I too am only H-U-M-A-N~! Mothers Day has been weighing really heavy on my heart these last few days. Kagan and I only got to spend one Mothers Day together. We went to church with my Mom and the children were to come up front and get a rose for their Mom's or Grandma's. Since Kagan couldn't walk the Pastor came and got him...carried him up front and brought back 2 roses for my Mom and I. He is even dreading the Mothers Day service because that day affeceted him so much. I plan on attending that same church this Mothers Day to surprise my Mom. It is going to be one of my toughest days yet.

Kagan's dad had bought me a gold locket that said "MOM" from Kagan last year. I wanted him to have some part of me to be buried with him so my oldest son cut off a lock of my hair and put in that locket and his Daddy put it around his neck and laid the heart on his heart. I have a lock of Kagan's hair that the nurse let me cut off him after he passed away and one day we will match those locks of hair up again.

Thank you Mark...you may be hearing from me one day. I love the Bass~!! My ex played the Bass in a country band then in a rock band for years. When we got back into church 4 years ago he started playing for them. It is so awesome to listen to him play.

Has anyone heard from Nikki today? It is not like her to not post at least once....that worries me. I guess thats the mom coming out in me again. She is probably out burning the wheels off the new van.

Hugs and prayers to everyone~!!

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

[slowlyhealing]

Hello you all,

After a long and hard day yesterday, and many thoughts of you all and tears.

I am here to tell you all that I may not be posting here anymore. I know its shocking.

I know deep inside that my mom wants to protect me from the dangers online, even though this is really the ONLY site I go to, other than school research, she doesn't want me to anymore.

I know I am 20 and I could make the decision for myself, but to go against mom right now. To know that she was upset at me before she passed... I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

You all have helped me so very much. You have given me strength when I didn't have any, and hope when I just didn't want to go on. This last stretch of pain and trial... I must face alone.

Christy... You keep on hanging on. There will be times where it will be hard, and times where you wish God would take you home so you could be with your son, but those times will pass, and God will give you something to be happy about. Keep on writing here, cause these people are helpful and in the nicest way they will put you back on the right track. May God bless you and your family for everything you go through. and may you know that you are always in my prayers, even after I stop posting. Thanks for the kind words and the encouragement

Laura, You hang in there with those teenagers. I'll tell you now that teenagers aren't the greatest joy to be around. Yes they have their moments, and attitudes, but I promise in time it gets better. They will realize what a great mom you are, and how hard you are trying. Again I don't know how it is to loose a spouse, but you are doing great. I hope that in the end of all of this. I will be strong like you, and be able to go on with my brothers.

Kitty, You were there from the beginning. You have given me strength to go on even in the hardest of situations. I wish my arms would reach, cause I would wrap my arms around you. You have taken on the mother roll of this message board, and provided me and all of us with the rememberance of God's promise. Thank you so much for that.

Mark, thank you for your words. Your story has touched me, and many others. Your strength and knowledge of God has also strengthen me to be a better person, a better Christian. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. You have taken on a role my own father couldn't fill. A role that he chose to give up. And even though I don't know you that well, I want to thank you for the encouragement, the laughter, and even going through some of the painful times with me.

I will come on to check on you all every now and then, I can not promise that I will post, but if I do... I will also give an update on mom.

I know it won't be long until I'm going to need your alls prayers and support. I will post... I will post and tell you when God decides to take my mom home, I think you all deserve to know that, especially since that is why I came.

THank you all for your love and support. I will never forget the kindness you have shown me through these last couple months.

May God bless you all and show you the path that you need to choose. May he give you friends a long the way that change your life for the better, and give you hope for a brighter tomorrow.

My hope and love, and prayers go out to all of you.

Forever in prayer and always a friend

Nikki

[tinasdad]

Good morning Christy. Thanx! Now I'll give you the rest my career. I also play guitar, keys, drums, and once in a while, if my illness lets my hands function right, even a mandolin (tough with that tiny neck). I play across the styles, but stay in the Christian music scene almost exclusively. Right now, we're working on putting together a whole new show and doing some of the original stuff I wrote. I always call it a show, even if it's ministry, so please don't be offended by that one. By all means make yourself welcome to chat. Just be warned that I am not sedate and boring: just a little crazy. I guess it's an occupational hazard, eh.

Nikki, you are constantly in my heart and prayers. I will pray incessantly for you and your family. A little magic came here with you. You hold the future and all its dreams. Don't get into the blues without asking for help. Anything you need, it's yours. This is why we are here, together, to help each other.

Laura, thanks so much for that kindness. I like to hide in the music too much, but reality always comes back to hit me from every angle. I'm not dealing with my wife's illness too well today. It's a bit much to chase papers in a hurricane. Just pray for me, and I'll make it to the end of the day. Today I am enjoying my daughter's company. The best part of teenagers is they finish growing up, and then it gets better.

Today for us started out good and bad. My wife is having a good day, to an extent. Now to get on the phone and annoy the hospital. The rotation thing bugs me so much. This is our fifth or sixth time going through this process. It's stessful and nothing but red tape. The hospital time is a drag too. Christy, yes I'm taking a guitar with me. I need to do something to break the boredom, LOL. I'll let y'all know the days I get to be out of town.

I'm praying for you all, and I hope to hear how well it went for you later on. Mark

[erinsmom]

nikki, it is with absolute tears in my eyes that i bid you a very fond "so-long". you are a special and favored child of God and your obedience will be rewarded in mighty ways. I will keep you in my prayers always. God Bless you and your precious family.

Love,

Kitty

[kagansmommy]

WOW...Nikki I can't believe we won't be hearing from you anymore. You are wise beyond your years and i think everyone here has learned from you. Your youth and your passion for life is inspiring. Thank you so much for all the love, prayers, concern, and beautiful words you have given me just when I needed it.

I'l be here if you need me. If you feel safe emailing my email address is in my profile. Feel free to give me a shout anytime. I wish the best for your Mom.

Love ans prayers...

Christy

[Taylors Dad]

dear christy

man it pains me to hear how much pain you are in. and just like everyone else here, i know exactly how you feel.

now you may tell me to go sh-- in my hat when i tell you this ,but i'm going to anyways.

i was just like you before after my son died, he was 11, i had to find him, had to know that he was alright. i couldn't stand the thought that he was somewhere all alone and not being taken care of.

i know you have heard of all the bad things about psychics, that it's the devil and all that but i'm here to tell you that they are what got me through the absolute worst experience that we humans can endure, there is nothing worse in this world than losing your child, i hope i don't offend others here but to those walking in my shoes, you know what i mean.

i found my son christy, he is doing just wonderfully in heaven with my father and all the others that have crossed, i absolutely know that he came through that day and i have to say that the horrible days of feeling so lost were instantly gone. i have no fear of death because i know that he is there waiting for me.

god bless you

bill (T's dad)

[hmtod73]

nikki, i'm sorry to see you going. i enjoyed your posts. i do understand the respect you have for your mom's opinions/wishes and you are doing the right thing. i wish you the best and stay strong. we all will be thinking of you and your mom and your family. feel free to contact me anytime. heather

heather_od2002@yahoo.com

[lauraa]

Dear Sweet Nikki,

I know you need to respect your moms wishes and I respect you for that....I think perhaps?...your mom is feeling that she has no control...maybe she wants more of your attention...I was just thinking that if your mom somehow could see our post she would understand that we all are here to love and help you and maybe we can all help her as well. I know everyone would love to help...Please tell your mom that you, your brothers and her are always in our prayers....Please know that you are in my heart!

[kagansmommy]

Thank you Bill for your reply. Actually I was telling my best friend just today that I have thought about trying to find a psychic. We were watching Sylvia Brown on Montel and it got me to thinking. But who can you trust? Kagan's Dad Peter, is Wiccan. And like you, I do not want to offend anyone here. I was raised Pentecost so you can imagine some of the discussions we have.

We have taught each other a whole new respect for each Religion. Anyway...we did a ritual for Kagan 30 day's after he passed. That was the first time I had made contact with Kagan. He was running from me at first (RUNNING) his little legs were flying around the yard. Then I was sitting on the steps of our deck and he was standing at the bottom looking at me with the most beautiful smile on his face. I didn't hear him speak but his Dad did. He was telling me he was ok and that he was with Grandpa now. He also told his Dad that I need to let go of so much guilt and sorrow so he can come thru to me and I will be able to hear him. I have been told that I am suffering from "empty nest" syndrome. I'm the Mommy and I was the primary caregiver. I gave birth to him. I fed him and bathed him. I am the one who made sure he got all 27 doses of medicine every day. I am the one who stayed up with him all night and rocked him for hours and hours. My arms ache to hold him all the time.

I know alot of people frown on the wiccan religion but Peter has taught me a whole new way to look at and appreciate life. I participate in his rituals because there is no evil there...only good. My family has turned their backs on me because of his religion and none of them got to know Kagan because they are so closed minded. My Pastor watched Peter do his thing after Kagan passed with amazement and total respect. He also is finding out its not so bad.

We are doing another ritual for Kagan at the gravesite so hopefully he will come thru to me again but this time I will hear his sweet voice. I would give anything to hear him say "I WUV YOU" again. He is my Angel in Heaven and I can not wait to get to him again.

Many thanks and prayers

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

[kagansmommy]

I just found out that my uncle passed away today. He is going to be at the same funeral home that Kagan and my Dad were at. I didn't get attend my Dad's funeral but it only be 3 months tomorrow since Kagan was there. My Mom told me it would be good for me to go there again and that it didn't bother her to go there and see Kagan after my Dad was there. I can not get it thru her head that it is NOT the same thing. I know anyone who has lost a spouse hurts just as bad as someone who has lost a child but it is just different somehow. My Dad might have been her soul mate...but Kagan WAS my soul and my heart and my breath. He was my life in a completely different way. It tore my heart out when my Daddy passed away but nothing compared to losing Kagan. I don't want to sound mean or harsh but I am so tired of her "suck it up and move on" attitude.

Thanks for listening.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[lauraa]

Christy,

I am sorry to hear about your uncle. Only you know how much you can handle. I am absolutely sure that loosing a child is horrible. I was so close to my dad and when he passed my husband was sick so I had no time to grieve his loss then my husband "passed" and I have been grieving so deeply for him that I haven't even begun to grieve for my dad or mom (who passed 3 weeks after my husband)...Sometimes, I sit here and think what the hell happened...it was a total nightmare! And till is! We all need as much support as we can get and we need to try and stay in the here and now in order to not get to overwhelmed. I am curious as to what Wiccan is...I have never heard of that and am curious to know more. I hope you will be able to go to your uncles calling hours..maybe somehow or someway you will be able to find some kind of peace. Pray on it and pray to Kagan to come to you.....I know when I get totally overwhelmed I ask my husband to come to me and help me to get thru this...I know the down times outweigh the ups...and it isn't easy...God comforts those who mourn...I agree with Taylor's dad....I needed proof after I lost my husband that he was o.k. and I sought a medium...I was thorough and researched and did alot of reading....yes, there are frauds but there in everything....she told me things that there was no way she could have known and it all reassured me that he is always with me and he is o.k. and his spirit lives on......she believes in god and in no way tries to influence me in anyway...they believe you don't die but you shed your physical body and pass into spiriual realm. It saved my life this past summer....All it really did was reaffirm for me my faith that there is eternal life and with do pass on to another life...and, the good news is they have paved the way for when we will meet again. I hope you find comfort somehow in the next days to come....there are peaks and valleys and remember we are all here.

NIKKI...I think of you all the time....god bless you and your family!

[tinasdad]

Christy, I am in tears for you. I will pray through the night and all tomorrow. I wish I could help you deal with the turmoil. If you need anything, please just ask, and I will do anything I can possibly do to help.

Laura, when my grandfather died in '83, I also wanted so much to know he was resting well in Heaven. I didnt seek out a psychic, but kept prayer going steady during the time I was vanished from everyone on the road. I finally got the answer when I took the time to shut it all down and rest: rest in knowing he was at peace, rest in knowing I had received my answer. All I can tell you all is seek your answers, but don't go in blind. I will tell you of the Psalms, and try to comfort you with the promises from God that children are always in the arms of the Lord. They are at rest, and having more fun than we can imagine.

Sometimes, when a person is nearing death, they become afraid so easily, and need as much reassurance, comfort and support as they can get. Let's band together in prayer to support Nikki and her family, and maybe they can sense our support holding them up and walking with them.

Tonight, I may actually rest. My wife is in pain, but she's at least resting. Tomorrow, we need to schedule surgery, then we can schedule the rotation of treatment. The treatment is risky, and a potential for life threatening events is always present in it. We will keep you posted. Mark

[lauraa]

Everyone,

You are all in my thoughts and prayers...always!

[hmtod73]

hello everyone. the past few days have been tough for me. tonight i went to my berevement meeting and i had such a hard time keeping my composure (sp). not sure why i'm feeling this way. i want to respond to so many of these posts but my emotions are not right. i will try.

christy, i have not lost a child so i will not try to tell you what to do or how to do it. i will suggest that you try to attend the services of your uncle even if it is for a short time. maybe you could attend at the very beginning or the very end when the amount of people may be less. just take small steps. unfortunatly there are going to be many more times that we are "expected" to be at a funeral service. i so wish that was not the case. i was at one 1 month before my mom died, 1 month after my mom died and 2 weeks after that one. it was hard but i somehow made it thru. just do whatever you can do and maybe explain to your mom that you are doing the most you can, it is still so recent for you. also, if the wiccan rituals/beliefs have helped you, then continue. so many people are not familiar with different beliefs. that does not make them wrong. find out about them. start on-line for the basics. then possibly talk with someone of that belief and you may be pleasantly surprised. i was recently given a brief explanation of the jewish faith and the buddist faith. i was clueless about both, but i learned so much that i am interested to learn more.

lauraa, i too sought a medium and was very satisfied. however, that is not the answer for everyone as we all know. some people turn to their church, others turn away from church, some turn to music, photos, books, nature, meditation, support groups, friends, there are so many avenues that we can explore to help us be more "satisfied" with our situations. the important thing is that we find something or someone to help us to "feel better" and we all continue to support each other here. i check this site at least one time a day. it is so helpful to me.

christy, reading your post from apr 26 about mother's day and how your pastor took your son to bring flowers for you and your mom..........i lost it. tears are rolling. that is so beautiful. what a wonderful memory. and the locket, (more tears) that was just as nice. i'm sure your son was so happy with that.

mark, i do not know your story but it sounds to me like you and your wife are really fighting. i wish you the best. treatments are hard on everyone involved as you know. and why does there need to be all that red tape. that just makes things all the more difficult. like i said, i don't know your situation, but is there possibly a social worker or case worker that could help you in any way?? we had someone that we called on occasionally to make thing more clear for us. we are always here to listen and support you.

well, i guess that is enough for now. time for bed, pleasant dreams everyone and lets all hope for better days. heather

[kagansmommy]

Laura...I hope you don't feel like I think my loss is any worse than yours. Losing 2 loved ones was bad enough but to lose 3 had to be devestating. Losing a parent, a partner, or a child has to be the three worst possible losses. I don't know how any of us get by each day without going crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am crazy. But thank you for the kind and encouraging words.

Heather...I'm sorry I made you cry. But I hope reading my post's help you in some way. I know reading everyones helps me so much...especially when everyone shares their bad days with us. I truly think those are the ones that help me most. I don't feel so alone then.

Mark....you are just the greatest. I thank you so much for taking the time to pray for me. There are times when I feel like I am nobody and I don't deserve it but you make me feel like my feelings matter to someone. Good luck and all my prayers to your wife during this especially difficult time.

I was talking about you all today like you were friends here at home. Peter was like who in the world are you talking about? I said "my real family" and he knew exactly who I was talking about. He wanted to know about everyone here.

We were walking in the woods talking about Kagan this evening and we had such a good time. Just talking and bonding. Our relationship has been a weird and unusual one. Now it's just the two of us and we are re-discovering each other again. Connecting in a way we never had before...it has been wonderful.

But the nights are when I am having such a hard time. After he goes to bed I fall apart and I come here for comfort. So from me to you "Thank you all for what you have done for me." Your prayers mean so much to me and I send them right back to you ten fold. God Bless and Goodnight everyone~!!

Christy

"Goodnight sweet Kagan...Mommy loves you~!!"

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone,

Do any of you ever wake up out of a deep sleep in a panic? I do that and the feeling is...Tell me he didn't die...tell me this is a bad dream...then I say, no it's true...he isn't coming back....I hate this so much...I don't want my husband to ever think I have forgotten him....I just still can't believe he is gone....My 1 year annjiversary is approaching on May 16th. I never thought I could get thru a few days without him and it has been a blurry, numbing nightmare! I'm sorry I know you are all hurting here and sometimes I am not the support I hope to be. I think of you all often....Christy, I know loosing a child is one of the most horrible things that a person could survive.....your suppose to out live your children????? As far as my husband goes....we met when we were 14 and have been together ever since...we were innertwined for almost 35 years....we grew up together...he is the only man I have "ever" loved or been attracted to......Now he is gone.....Yes, I have to breathe every second of everyday to get thru this.....Our losses are both great.....and everyone elses...I think the fact that we loved so deeply is what matters....not to compare whose loss is the greatest (not that I thought that of you)....I think our losses take us to a different level of faith...we are tested now beyond what we could ever image....and I do think god is watching us and over us as he knows how difficult it is for all of us....Our loved ones are in heavenly bliss and they are watching us, too. I really believe that although it doesn't make it any easier....."Until We Meet Again".........Remember!

[erinsmom]

Good Morning My Friends, I am afraid I have to come clean and tell you that once again I am having a shaky day. I have been staying away a bit in an effort to not encourage me sounding like a victim or a downer. I am rock steady in my faith and my trust in God's plan but the direction circumstances are now going in are really thowing me. I love my husband. I want more than anything for our marriage to stay intact but it is not in my control and I am really struggling with him leaving me. The poor guy is so confused and empty that he literally looks like a walking zombie right now. I believe it started after Erin's death, he didn't know how - or couldn't - make things allright again and comfort me into a healthy mental state instantly. . . . then his mother tragically and suddenly died of brain/lung cancer on April 2nd, earlier this month. Once in a great while he reaches out to me and gives me hope that we will remain together and everything will be allright. But since our house sale fell through last weekend, he has retreated back into "not knowing what he wants". . . I guess the plan is that now he will move into his dad's house for awhile and sort things out. I am here to ask for your prayers for my heart to be soothed and that there be a supernatural gift from God that I have A KNOWING that everything will be allright. Right now I feel sad, alone, and abandoned. One week from tomorrow is Erin's 1st anniversary of her passing (May 6). THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS, I HAVE PRAYED FOR A CHANGE IN MY HUSBAND'S HEART FOR SO LONG BUT AM STARTING TO BELIEVE THAT GOD HAS OTHER IDEAS FOR OUR FUTURE. And my flesh still wants to hang on to my marriage with all my might, with my last dying breath. . . . GOD HELP ME.

Love,

Kitty

[BIJulie]

Just saying a prayer for all of you. Just remember, Phillipians 4:13 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.'

God Bless,

Julie

[kagansmommy]

Good morning everyone~!! Yes Laura I wake up out of a deep sleep but it is because I think that I here Kagan crying and he never cried. Or I will wake up and look at the clock and panic thinking...oh my God Kagan needs his medicine...why isnt he awake...I have to get him up it's late. Then I realize that he's gone. Or I will be sitting watching tv or talking with Peter and all of a sudden out of nowhere it hits me...Kagans dead...he's never coming back..I will never get to hold my baby again. Then I go into a long anxiety attack that sometimes lasts all night. I believe those sudden jolt's out of nowhere are the worst ones to deal with because you aren't expecting it...I hate it~!

Sometimes I wake up and instantly I know he has been in bed with me because I can smell him. My hands or my arm will smell like him as if he layed cuddled against me and slept like he loved to do. I wrote him a letter in my journal and told him that all I want for Mothers Day is for him to cuddle with me again while I am sleeping. Today has been 3 months since he passed away so it hasn't been a good day so far. I will keep you in my prayers today as I will everyone here. Thanks Julie~!!

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

[tinasdad]

Kitty, I'm in tears. Please don't avoid coming here because you feel so bad. It's okay to hurt, and you need the support of your friends. Helping you through this time will be our priority. If you need someone to talk to, please get in touch. I will be praying for you and your husband constantly. You have been through so much loss, you are in our prayers that this can resolve and keep you both from such a heartbreak. You're not a victim in my eyes, just someone who's been through more than any one person should have to face in such a short time, or even a lifetime.

Laura, well I never like to admit it, but the panic does hit, and usually when I need sleep the most. I get bugged by my wife's condition, which is serious at best. I also get it from something that happened when I was only 8 years old, and I won't upset you with that one. It still has its way of creeping into my head at the worst times. Your loss is so tragic, I'm in tears for you.

Heather, without trying to drag everyone else through my problem again, here's the short story. My wife has one of the dystrophies, and is in the final stage of its horrible ride. Her pain is outrageous, and we frequently go to the ER for pain control when the rest of the meds aren't enough. I haven't been able to even hug her without the pain making her scream in over a year. The future is that she will most likely have a stroke or heart attack which she is not strong enough to recover from. We pretty much sit on a time bomb waiting for it to stop ticking, and then . . . As for the rest of my life, I carry several degrees from Bible college and seminary, and two for Social Work. While I can't practice because of my own health, I am always trying to find a new treatment option or other service to help her through this, and I refuse to give up hope on the "miracle." I so greatly appreciate your concern, and look forward to talking again.

Christy, whether we lose one or three, the pain is so much to bear. You are always in my prayers. We went through eleven miscarriages over the last twenty years, so that's as close to losing my own child as I can say. All I can say is that I would rather have it me than one of my three.

I guess this is our day for difficulties, so I feel like a (insert adjective here) telling what today is like in our home. I heard from Nikki, and she's so grateful for you all with the kindness and prayers. Her Mom is not feeling well, so we need to support them more with prayer.

Last night was horrible for my wife. Exhaustion would be a step up for me. We are scheduled for pre-op testing on May 11, and surgery for the next week, but the date isn't confirmed. If she makes it through that, we can confirm the rotation schedule for treatment. If that is a scrub for any reason, we may need to go out of the States for a risky treatment that has a high mortality rate. You can see my stress now. Our son enering the military is also worrying her, and this makes me wonder if the sudden upsurge in pain is related. Hmmm. I think I have said enough for now. Talk to you all a little later, Mark

[erinsmom]

Thank you Mark, and thank you again for your prayers. my afternoon has been steady and calm and i am feeling some peace, it's such a blessing when my stomach stops churning that nervous churn . . . i hate that tummy churn.

i go to a 5:30 a.m. prayer meeting with three other women on thursday mornings and this morning there was a tense conversation that took place. one of the women there really feels strongly that we, as God's chosen, are not supposed to be sick or infirm. . . . that we hold the cards in terms of casting out our sicknesses in the name of Jesus. I reacted to her in such a way that I even surprised myself. yes, the bible talks of healings and instant deliverances but it also talks of trials and tribulations. her take was that our sicknesses are a direct result of our level of faith, of our unbelief.

anyway, enough of that. i used to be a very conservative "hell fire and brimstone" Christian myself (for the first couple of years). Praise God He brought me to my senses. . . . and I now believe it's all about Love, about prople, about relationships, about honor, but mostly about Love.

For me, the most important thing was to transform my heart. . . I have made much progress but continue to get caught up in fears and insecurity at times.

I hope everyone is having a good day today, I am tired and ready for a nap but that won't be happening anytime soon.

Love,

kitty

[kagansmommy]

Mark, I am so glad Nikki has contacted you. Please let her know she is in my prayers daily. I am so sorry to hear your wife is in so much pain. May God grant someone the wisdom to find that "MIRACLE" for her.

Kitty, I believe I would have reacted the same way you did if someone were to tell me that too. No matter how bad the trials and tribulations get it is the Faith in our God that keeps us standing. I would be worried if I didn't have trials in my life. Life was never meant to be perfect. I believe God chooses very carefully the ones to be tested. Only the strong survive and look at us all. Someone like her would never be able to endure what we have endured. I agree that we are the chosen ones and I know for a fact I can endure whatever is placed before me. That my friend is FAITH in God~!!! No matter what he puts me through, he will also pull me out of.

Today has been a horrible day for me but coming here has helped. I need to be reminded I am not alone. Everyone here sharing their trials and tribulations is a big part of what gets me through mine. We were all brought together for a reason...to share our grief and hold each other up on the bad days as well as the good.

Love and prayers to you all~!

"MOMMY LOVES YOU BABY BOY" Three months today and my heart keeps breaking~!!

[tinasdad]

Kitty, way to go!!! You have a lot of faith to say it that way! You said it right. Didn't the Apostle Paul say he asked the Lord three times to be healed? The Lord replied by telling Paul that His grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in weakness. Paul also told Timothy to use "a little wine for your frequent infirmities." Well, if that doesn't say we as believers will get sick, then I must be blind or something. Don't you love those who are so sanctified that they can see no other way than their own? I guess they need to see the various scoundrels throughout the Bible.

Christy, I will do the best I can with your request. Continue to pray for Nikki and her Mom. Their situation is so painful, and we can only assume that they must be facing a lot of stress. I have held an idea that goes a bit with what you said. "It's too much" I hear so often. But beside my very ill wife is a loving husband in a wheelchair. We may have our tribulations, but I will be the first to brag that the Lord has never ever let us down. We somehow get through the day, and our children and grandson are doing well dealing with the impending future of Mom and Grandma.

I am almost in shock right now. The weather cleared a little, and my wife is having some much needed fun with our youngest son. She is hurting, but doing a little better tonight. He's up late, but he needs to enjoy a little time with his Mom. Thank you so very much for all the prayers. See? They are helping. With that, please pray for me. Lately, the feeling of loneliness is getting to be a bit much. She's still with me, and I feel so lonely if she's even visiting her friend across the street. Guess it's just a part of dealing with the future. Talk to you tomorrow unless things get crazy, Mark

[kagansmommy]

Hey Mark...I am so glad to hear your wife felt like playing with your son tonight. Perfect example of how prayer works. You sound like a very loving husband and I admire your dedication to your family. Your feeling of lonliness is completely understandable. When you are caring for a loved one who is sick and you know what the inevitable future holds for them it is hard not to feel lonely. With Kagan I would sit and hold him for hours and just look at him. Trying to memorize every line in his face...every wrinkle in his little hands.I knew he was going to leave me and probably sooner than later. You constantly invision your life without that person in it and it becomes a bit overwhelming at times. Enjoy every second you have on this earth with your wife and your children....and grand son~!!

I have had the worst day I believe I have had yet since Kagan's death. But I'm not going to go there now because I can't take any more crying. I will keep you and your family in my prayers~!

Christy

"Goodnight Kagan...Mommy loves you"

[tinasdad]

Good morning Christy. It's okay if you don't want to talk about it now. Sometimes we just need to sit quietly with our friends. You're always in my prayers. There is no way I can fathom the depths of your pain and sorrow. How are you doing with everything concerning your Uncle? It's so hard to hold on, I know, but if you need anything, I will do all I can to help you. If I could only email it, I'd send you a hug. Thanks for being such a good friend. You're a special gift in our lives.

Well, last night's fun with our son did a number on her. Her dystrophy crashed her out. She hurts so bad today. On top of that, she's talking the blues about her future. The atrophy is starting up, which means it's worsening, and she's worrying about what's next. I expect today will replay yesterday, and our youngest will be upset again. He just sits down and starts crying, so upset about all this. I don't want this to hurt his adorable personality: he's my buddy. Sometimes I wonder how I'm supposed to be supportive when I'm falling apart too.

Kitty, you will be in my prayers as well. On top of all the rest, you face this? I am so sorry to hear of the trials you face, and I'll help anyway I can. Yes, I have a lot going on, but we can do whatever to help you. I pray you are hanging in there.

Well, take it easy today, and if you need anything, send an email. I plan to be working on the puter all day, trying to lay down sequences. You're all in my prayers today. Mark

[erinsmom]

my heart is so heavy and humbled this morning as i sit here and ponder what it is in the world that i come to you all and whine about. my health is good and i am not sitting by watching someone i love in chronic pain. Heavenly Father, please forgive me for my stupidity and remind me constantly to intercede in prayer for my friends here who are facing such horrific trials. oh Mark, i pray for your strength and for your heart to be lathered in a peaceful KNOWING that you are not and NEVER will be alone in this time. God is so proud of you and you are SUCH the apple of His eye. Hold on my man, your reward in heaven will far surpass your wildest dreams. Oh Father, i ask in Jesus precious and holy name to relieve Mark's wife on her terrible pain, please Father give her a day of rest from the pain. . .

christy, you are in the furnace - i was there for quite some time too. hold on, and pray continually for God's peace to captivate your heart. that's what i did and it worked for me. there will always be a void, a hole without kagan but it will get better. it got better for me when i accepted that erin is so much better off where she is, that God can take so much better care of her than anyone (including me, her mommy) on this earth. I am praying for your peace.

love to all,

kitty

[erinsmom]

you know i did sit by and watch someone i loved so very much slowly die and wither away . . . those were the worst days of my life. the two years before erin passed watching her die slowly from the heroin addiction were nothing less than hell on earth for me. so i can relate. . . .

God is so gracious, he saw me through and held me tenderly. my heart is heavy today remembering what it's like to see your loved one slipping away. as i sit here i have absolutely nothing to complain about today. my energy in prayer is for your wife mark and for nikki's mom. God bless you precious friends.

kitty

[tinasdad]

Kitty, please don't think you are whining, or any sort of bother to anyone. You are such a blessing to hear from, and I thoroughly enjoy reading your caring words. I am so concerned about you with all you're going through. You are a part of every prayer. Words cannot begin to say how grateful we are for your prayers and kindness. Undoubtedly, I would be in the psych center by now without such caring people around me.

Christy, hold on to your faith with every thread of your being. God will deliver you from your overwhelming sorrow. We will hold you up with prayer constantly.

Now the daily yuckies: we just arrived home from the emergency room (again). Her pain went out of control. This time the ER doc was unwilling to offer her any meds, and refused to consult with the neurology doc treating her. Maybe he didn't want to make an out of state phone call. After my consult with the neurology doc on call, we worked out a schedule of meds to hopefully knock her out (if it doesn't treat the pain). Maybe this will help me get a little sleep. I'm worried about her. The pain keeps breaking through the meds, and her BP is on a rocket powered roller coaster. She keeps going morbid and talking about dying. She's scared, but wants to die to end the agony. Please pray for her.

Good night, my friends, and Kitty, rest well. You are loved and appreciated so much. Mark

[lauraa]

Good Morning Everyone,

I am sorry I haven't responded in the last few days...my brother is visiting from out of town as I will be accepting an award in my husbands honor....pray for my strength to be able to get up in front of 300 people and do this in my husbands honor....Sun. morning. I will pray for all of you...NIKKI, you are always in my heart and your family...Mark, I know that your family is going thru is a huge trial...there is so much love there and god will lift you all. Christy, your baby boy is with your always....he is walking and he is playing with all the children in heaven....thanking you for giving him life in order to experience his heavenly bliss. KITTY, Your post are uplifting to me, especially when I am/was going thru my anger stage. I do know what you all went thru with the suffering of watching your loved one suffer and loosing them.....Please know that you are all in my thoughts daily...God comforts those who mourn. And, remember the NARROW GATE...ONLY A FEW EVER FIND IT! bLESS YOU ALL!

[kagansmommy]

Mark...I know you are falling apart too but you will draw the strength from somewhere to comfort your son. Sometimes I swear I had to draw the strength and energy all the way from my toes....but I did. When someone you love needs you so badly you just do it and go on. I don't know how but we all do it.

ALL of your constant prayers have been answered somewhat. This morning Kagan came to me in a dream. Last night I felt I had reached the end of my rope. Like you Mark, I felt as if I didn't have to energy to hold it all together and I was falling fast. Anyway, I dreamed about the last night Kagan was with us. He layed in my arms and passed away again. But this time he talked to me afterwards. We were at my Grandparents home and not the hospital. After he passed away I heard someone knocking on the door. I went to the door and there he stood. He was jumping up and down saying "thank you mommy, i am so excited, thank you" I asked his thru flooding tears why he was so excited, he said "beacuse now mommy I can pick YOU flowers" His teeth were all shining so bright in the huge smile he had on his face. If that doesnt tell me he's ok and the decision I made was the right one then nothing will. I don't know waht he means by picking me flowers unless it is that I keep a fresh boquet of flowwers next to a picture of him on the table with a candle we light when we eat dinner. Iy makes us feel like he is with us somehow. Or maybe its because I was so upset about mothers day coming and telling you all the story about the pastor carring him to get my rose because he couldnt walk. I don't know but for whatever reason I know I did the right thing now. Thank you all so much for hanging in there with me and for the prayers. I still miss him terribly and will continue to cry for him daily but so much of the guilt has been lifted.

Peter and I going out on the lake in the boat to do some fishing since it is a PERFECT day in so many ways.

Love and prayers to you all~!!

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan...thank you baby"

[tinasdad]

Christy, that turned me to mush. I think you must be the most loving mommy to a child. It's amazing what we dream, and our dreams mean so much. Your dream shows me the love you have for that priceless little treasure, and you should hold on to the dream. When David wrote the Psalms, he was writing songs to God to worship Him. I donbt he knew the words he wrote would be so important, but they hold God's promise to us that when our precious little ones leave this earth, they go immediately to God. I know Kagan is doing well and having a barrel of fun up there. Be strong my friend; the Lord will comfort you and heal you.

Laura, my prayers are with you. This may get a bit emotional doing such an event, but with God's grace beside you, I'm sure you'll be blessed through it. Hope you're enjoying the company of your brother. My brother gets back to this side of the States once a year, and I take timem off to spend with him. Maybe I'm not close to my parents, but I'm so close to my brother and sister. We need to be close to our families.

Thanx for the encouragement, everyone. The last few days have been a bad trip. God pulled us through the valley and we are improving. My wife is hurting so bad, I can't stand it. In spite of it, she was able to get the strength to go to church this morning. That was a joy to see.

There are no words to say how much you all mean to me, and I'm grateful for this place where we can all give and receive encouragement and hope. Today I have regained some hope, even though the outcome is what it is. Well, tell you later on what the rest of the day has in store. Mark

[kagansmommy]

Mark...I am so glad to hear your wife felt like going to church this morning. Although she is is probably paying for it now pain wise. It has to be so hard watching her go through so much pain and there is nothing you can do but be there for her. That is a wonderful comfort all in its own. Thank you for the "mommy praises." I did the best I could. I gave that little boy everything I had and then some. I can still see him jumping up and down with that hudge smile on his face. He finally busted free of that body that wouldn't work and I am sure he is a little stinker now. You could see it in his eyes that if he was healthy I would have definately had my hands full. We had our grand daughter all day friday and WOW is she a stinker. That little wore me out. I decided not to go to my uncles funeral after all...I just couldn't do it. My Mom called me after the funeral and said it was a good thing I didn't go because he was in the same room as Kagan and everyone there was asking about me and hoping I would come to see how I was. I couldn't have handled any of it..especially the constant questions "how are you?" "are you getting thru it?" "are you about over it yet?" "you look good so you must be doing pretty good" "we see you out all the time so it must be getting better for ya" This is the junk I hear from everyone. No I am not ok...but Yes I am able to function and get through the day.

Laura....I hope everything went well with your speech. Its good that you had support from family. Let us know how it went...ok?

I hope everyone had a fairly good weekend...prayers t oyou for the upcoming week.

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

[kagansmommy]

Mark...I am so glad to hear your wife felt like going to church this morning. Although she is is probably paying for it now pain wise. It has to be so hard watching her go through so much pain and there is nothing you can do but be there for her. That is a wonderful comfort all in its own. Thank you for the "mommy praises." I did the best I could. I gave that little boy everything I had and then some. I can still see him jumping up and down with that hudge smile on his face. He finally busted free of that body that wouldn't work and I am sure he is a little stinker now. You could see it in his eyes that if he was healthy I would have definately had my hands full. We had our grand daughter all day friday and WOW is she a stinker. That little wore me out. I decided not to go to my uncles funeral after all...I just couldn't do it. My Mom called me after the funeral and said it was a good thing I didn't go because he was in the same room as Kagan and everyone there was asking about me and hoping I would come to see how I was. I couldn't have handled any of it..especially the constant questions "how are you?" "are you getting thru it?" "are you about over it yet?" "you look good so you must be doing pretty good" "we see you out all the time so it must be getting better for ya" This is the junk I hear from everyone. No I am not ok...but Yes I am able to function and get through the day.

Laura....I hope everything went well with your speech. Its good that you had support from family. Let us know how it went...ok?

I hope everyone had a fairly good weekend...prayers t oyou for the upcoming week.

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

[tinasdad]

Christy, you're too kind. You are welmome, and those "mommy praises" are only natural for me. I love to compliment a loving, caring Mom. I didn't get that as a child, and I appreciate that treasure given to other children (foster care was a dive).

You may feel bad occasionallyabout your decision to not attend the funeral, but you did the right thing. You didn't need to open up the hurt that much by those reminders of Kagan. And as much as you love your family, the inuendos are nothing you need to deal with now. Let that be for some time in the distant future.

Laura, let us know how it all went for you this weekend. I was praying so much for you. That must have been such an emotional situation for you. I was praying for God's strength and peace to empower and soothe you. Thanks for praying so much.

As you can see, all this prayer helped her do something she couldn't do all winter, and she was so happy in church. OK, I confess, I was showing her off like it was our wedding day or something. I'm hopeless, I know. lol. Tonite, she is exhausted. These seizures ar getting a bit rough tonite (took a break to help her out with one). Well, I'll drop in tomorrow to catch up with you all. Havae a restful nite, and peace from the Father's love. Mark

[lauraa]

Hello Everyone,

Boy, was it a long weekend....I was exhausted. The mental prep to be able to get thru accepting this award for my husband was intense...I was relieved afterwards. It went great... although my heart was pumping out of my chest. You could hear a pin drop in the room and I had everyones undevided attention....got a standing "O". I prayed to god and my husband, I asked my husband to carry me up to the head table and you know what...he did. I must admit I have been crying before and ever since (but, I didn't cry during)...I guess this is the price I have to pay for loving so, so much and so deeply....This grieving process is so unpredictable and a rollercoaster. I get thru one stage and it goes around and around....I still can't believe I have to go on without him. My children are the reasons I get out of bed everyday to face this cruel world...even though raising teenagers is a challenge. They were the 3 things that sparkle that my husband left me. I am still angry at god for taking him and I don't understand why he takes the "great ones" young? I am so alone without him...my heart aches.

You all give me such comfort and I thank you all.

NIKKI...if you are reading, I love you! And, I am praying for you and your family.

Mark, stay strong and enjoy your bride!

Christy, thank you and I am glad you did not go to the funeral...do what is good for you,,,probally for the firt time in your life.

Erinsmom, I think of you and hope everything is falling into place for you...the universe has a way of taking care of things and everythinbng will happen for you as they are suppose to.

Bless you all!

[kagansmommy]

Good Morning All~!! It sure has been quiet in here...I hope everyone is ok~!

I MISS YOU GUYS~!!!!

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

[kagansmommy]

Laurra...I am so glad everything went ok with the speech. You seem like a very strong woman. You have to be to go on alone and raise three kids. I can't believe we posted at exactly the same time this morning.

And you are absolutely right about me doing what was best for me for a change.

My daughter-in-law (which I have had so much trouble with) called me friday and was telling me how good of a Mom I was and I need time for myself now. If you all knew the things she said to me while Kagan was alive you would understand what a shock this was. I explained to her that I have to find myself again. I don't even know who I am anymore. I went from happily married to living with another man to getting pregnant by him to going back to my husband to him cheating on me after we found out kagan was sick to my Dad passing away to a divorce to kagans dad coming from chicago to take care of us to losing the most beautiful child God ever put on this earth to being alone for the first time in my life all in the span of 2 years and 5 months. Kagans Dad and I are together now and we are having the time of our lives. But for the first time in 40 years I am living for ME~!!! I told my daughter-in-law that it had nothing to do with not wanting to be around my son or grand kids and she said she understood completely and so did my son...I sure hope so. Because if I don't take this time to find out who I am and to heal from all this loss I won't be any good to anyone. I have had a house full of kid's my whole marriage. David and I were married almost 25 years (I married him at 15 WOW) Our lives revolved around our son, nieces and nephews and all our sons racing buddies. It wasn't until our son was 22 that we realized we weren't happy anymore. And everything went south from there. But I am finally headed uphill again and it feels great.

Thanks for listening to me ramble...take care

Christy

"Mommy Loves You Kagan"

[tinasdad]

Christy, it's a beautiful thing for a family to "mend the fences." After all the misery of my childhood, I am so happy to be able to talk to my parents. Not a great relationship, but we at least talk. There is something I won't do. I will never judge you or anyone for the stuff in their lives. The only thing that matters to me is a person's happiness and their relationship with God. You seem to have a good grasp on both. Now I feel like my teenage years weren't as bad as some people say. While I say my daughter was born when I was fourteen, it was just before my fourteenth birthday - I rounded it off to not scare my family too much and the concept stuck. Please don't let it scare you too much.

Laura, we were praying for your strength throughout the weekend, and so happy to hear everything went so well. Now you can rest and let it all settle back down. It was good for you to experience this, and I somehow think it will help you heal.

Last night was rough. Too much pain, too much stress, and a fight with our son. But it was rough all night, because my wife had seizures constantly until about 5 this morning. Maybe I can rest a bit later on. Take care, and you're all in my prayers today.

[kagansmommy]

Well Mark..the last thing you are going to do is scare me off. I got pregnant with my first son at 14. I got married to his Dad two weeks after my 15 birthday. We had a good marriage and a happy family. My son at 25 will tell you his Mom and Dad never fought and we didn't. We just realized after almost 23 years that there was something missing that every relationship needs...passion~!

We tried for almost two more years but I had Kagan as a constant reminder to David that I was unfaithful. The only reminder of his affair was seeing the woman he had it with all the time. It was just more than we could handle and we went our separate ways as friends. We are good friends to this day which is good for our son and our 2 grandchildren that we share. Life is too short to fight over that sort of thing. David and his new wife were there with us when Kagan passed. They sat on the front row with Peter and I at the funeral. Which irritated the heck out of my family. But they chose not to be a part of Kagans life and David continued to be after we were divorced. Kagan was blessed with 2 good Daddy's. Most kid's only have one. I am so glad you found your Daughter. I wish you could have sooner so you could have enjoyed more of her life. Life is all about kid's and without them lifes just not hardly worth living.

I hope your wife is having an ok day. I went and finished Kagans flower bed in front of his headstone today. It was emotional but also wonderful. It looks so pretty. We throw bird seed on the ground around the grave and there were bird's everywhere when I got there. He loved listening to the birds chirp and sing.

Take care and many prayers.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[kagansmommy]

God I wish there was someone here to talk to. I have been screaming at God to give me my baby back for the last 2 hours. I can't live my life without him. I have gotten myself so upset that I have been throwing up and now I am having chest pains. I have scared myself into calming down a little bit. I have taken all six of my heart medications and I don't skip doses so I don't know why I'm having chest pains. Maybe it's just anxiety...God I hope so. It is nights like this that I wish they had never revived me when I had congestive heart failure. But then I would have missed out on a beautiful miracle. And that miracle would have never lived as long as he did. Mothers Day is really getting me down. God I am so scared. I'm going to have to go wake Peter up. Sorry if I bummed anyone out. Christy

"MOMMY LOVES YOU SO MUCH KAGAN"

[lauraa]

Christy,

I know how you feel. I am not sure we will ever be at a place to totally accept what has happened to us. When I get like that I have to really believe that our love ones are in a much better place than here. We are the ones suffering now....Just to know that my husband is happy and walking I guess will be the only thought that will keep me sane in the time left for me. I know those uncontrollable moments that come over us. I cry everyday and hard....it's knowing the unbelievable has happened that is so hard to accept...not to mention how it has changed our lives in every respect. The worry and anxiety that comes with all of this is unbearable at times. Please know that you and everyone else here are not alone...somehow that is comforting. I use to love life and had such a positive and zest for it....but I know to much now and with loosing the love of my life it seems impossible that I will ever be able to fill this void again that I have in my heart. I thought good things happened to good people...but when I look around I don't like what I see most times now...I feel like this world is driven by money and everyone is loosing the most important parts about life....Man, do I miss my husband! My one year anniversary is on May 16th...less than 3 weeks away...I don't want to talk to anyone on that day except for my children as no-one has called me all year...only a few!....Isn't that mean...I don't care! I feel the emotions creeping up about that day. I can't believe it has been a year....One day at a time....Love to all!

[tinasdad]

Christy, I will gladly do anything possible to help you. I pray constantly for your pain to be gone. This prayer will be answered in time. God promised in the Psalms that He would hold the children who are so precious and dear. Kagan is with Him right now, and someday, after your work is finished, you will get to hold him forever. For the moment, rest yourself, bring your feelings into submission to God, and let His love and comfort hold you like a gentle hug. The things you did are in the past. You live in the present, and look to the future. Throw your cares onto Jesus, and He will give you peace. He will help you build in the present to make a beautiful future.

I heard from Nikki, and she asked me to give you this message.

Christy,

Through out the pain and misery of this life, God has promised he will be there for his children. Even in the tears and the pain. Christy I know you are hurting especially with mothers day approaching, but know this. Little Kagan is not in pain anymore. He knows you love him, and God knows your pain. He had to lose his son to bring us all home to him, to bring Kagan home to him. Your miracle still lives inside you, and he's up in heaven and he's not hurting. Yes his life was so very short compared to others who seem to waste their lives on worldly things. Kagan brought a blessing even in his short life. He brought out you. He brought you out so you can share your story with others, and so you can bless others with your love and your life. Again I have not lost a child, but here I am losing my mom, and I know the pain is so real. But hold on, and remember God is with you, and he hears your cries. Kagan can't come back physically but hold onto his memory, and hold onto the truth that one day you will be able to hold your baby boy in your arms again, just like my mom will be able to hold me in her arms again. The ones we love will always and forever be in our hearts, and in our memories forever, not even their deaths can take away the love we have for them. God will give you comfort. The pain is only for a season compared to the joy and peace he has waiting for you. Love Kagan, and love the life he has given you even though he's was so small. Mother's day is going to be hard on all of us, but God knows that together we can make each other stronger, I think that is why he brought us all together. You are forever in my thoughts and prayers. May God give you comfort today, and may you see yourself in the eyes of the Lord not the eyes of the world.

Laura, I hope you feel like you are with people who care here. You have my support in the idea of not talking to people on the one year day. You need caring support, not those closest ignoring you. I don't know how people can be so rude and unfeeling. Do something special to pamper yourself on the 16th. Try to make it special for you, so you can ease yourself through it.

[kagansmommy]

Laura...the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing Kagan is in a better place. He is the lucky one...not us here on earth. It is just that I miss him so bad i can't stand it sometimes. I need to feel him wrapped up in my arm's. I feel so empty without him. I am sure you know that feeling all too well. I think in some way falling apart every night helps me heal. I get all that built up anger and anxiety out. But last night was way too scary. My lips were numb and my body was going numd. That scared me back into reality quick.

Tonight has bee nbad but not near as bad as last night. I am looking forward to attending church on sunday and hope to find a little peace to get me over this hump I seem to be stuck on. But also I am dreading it in a way because I know the Pastor will talk about Kagan and I. He told me at Kagans funeral that he admired me more than any Mother he has ever known...even his own Mother.

That makes me fee llike I did something right but it bothers me being put in the spotlight. I don't want people to think I want their sympathy.

I am going to a B-day party saturday night and I already feel the guilt creeping up on me. I feel as if people are judging me. I can invision them saying "here she is having a good time and her baby is dead" i know that is crazy thinking but I can't help it. I avoid people I know when I go out because I am afraid they will think I ma a horrible person for functioning. When Peter and I go fishing we either go on the boat or to a secluded area where we don't have to take the chance of seeing someone we know. I am proud of the kind of Mother I was and still am. I am proud of the dedication I gave my son right up until the very last breath of his life and then some. But I am constantly thinking that if Kagan were alive I wouldn't be doing this. I would be at home with him. Maybe one day that will go away and I won't worry about what anyone thinks. But for now I will continue to drive myself nut's.

Have a good night and prayers to you all~!!

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[lauraa]

Christy,

The numbness is "hyperventilation". So, my dear friend...you need to breathe. Belly breathe....Pay close attention to your breathing...in thru your nose and watch your abdomen go up and then exhale.....And, it would be very helpful for you at these times to get a relaxation tape to listen to...that will talk you thru techniques to calm you and help you physicly get thru these difficult times and in return will calm your spirit. I know what you are going thru as you are talking to a fellow sufferer. I agree, everytime we go thru these difficult times we are grieving deeper and deeper....that is a testament to how much we loved....and we grieve as deep as we loved. Kagan is with you! Can't you feel him?......He is with you with every breathe you take...maybe it is him saying "mommy" calm down "I am o.k. and with you always"...."Let the pain go"..."I am waiting for you" but "you have alot of living to do for yourself"..."I am saving a beautiful place for you until we meet again". I believe that with my whole heart....And, I also know we are human and knowing that they are with us but that we can't feel them is torturous...so it is o.k. to cry. Cry until there are no one tears...which will never happen...you and I know that but with the help of our loved ones and god they will help the pain to lesson. I feel challenged on a daily basis...A good friend of mine asked me a couple of weeks ago how I was doing...I asked her if she wanted to truth or the sugar coated version....SHe said the truth. ..so I told her that I fight on a daily basis not to fall into a deep profound depression...it's the truth. I lost the love of my life and besides my children there aren't many thing that get a rise out of me these days....So, needless to say Christy and everyone I know and feel your pain.....We loved so deeply so it won't be easy. I am faced with challenges everyday that I don't want to deal with but I have to because jof my husbands memory and I will do anything for that.......today will be a better day......I hope everyone else here will also have a good day...I'll be thinking of you all...........Stay strong NIKKI.

[tinasdad]

Laura, the loneliness can get overwhelming. It fills my heart like a black cloud, and she's still here. If I try those relaxation tapes again, someone will need to give a wakeup call. LOL. It's odd that you said something about someone wanting to know the truth about how you feel. To have a friend who wants you to tell them the truth of how you feel is a treasure of a friend.

Christy, I'm so accustomed to the spotlight, that it doesn't bother me too much to have everyone looking at me. You deserve the recognition for being such a loving and sacrificing Mom. You gave so much for your children, and even though it's been such a rough road, see the accomplishments and beauty you have created. Don't stare at the sorrow too much, but at the wonders you have done. While your heart aches for Kagan, he is in Heaven waiting for his Mommy to come home some day soon. To us, it seems like an eternity, but in eternity, it seems like a moment. He is there, and you are here. Go ahead, enjoy the fame for the moment. You deserve it.

Today is like the rest here. Last night was more of the seizures. We are going to the doctor today to see about new meds to try to bring it under control. Maybe it will help her be able to rest better. I'm praying for all of you, so I look forward to hearing how your day went. Mark

[kagansmommy]

Laura....I went to finish Kagan's flower bed on his gravesite and took my friend with me. I was talking while I was working....talking to Kagan. She said Christy it breaks my heart to hear you talk to him like he's right here with us. I said he is here with us don't you feel him? She was a little freeked out because she is a VERY closed minded person. I feel him in me as well as around me. Peter swears Kagans spirit goes into the cat that showed up here about 1 week after Kagan passed away and adopted us. The cat is really timid and don't want to be handled much but sometimes she will crawl up on me and cuddle up on the same sede of my chest that Kagan laid on right up against my neck. Kagan had to have the end of his nose touching me neck when he slept on me.

Thanks for letting me know why the numbness comes...I did not know that. That could also explain why it makes me have chest pains..or what appears to be chest pains. With my heart condition I just get so scared I will have a heart attack.

I plan on attending a church fish fry tomorrow night. I think I will hang around until everyone leaves to chat with the Pastor. He was the only one who stood behind me these last 3 years no matter how bad I screwed up and I trust him completely. He was there the night we put Kagan on life support and stood by his bed and prayed until I made him go home. I reminded him he has a family too. And he was there when Kagan passed. I had Kagan dedicated before we unhooked him and Brother Barker (my pastor) did that too.

Okay..I will hush now~!! Take care everyone and try to have a good day~!!

Mark...I did have a beautiful little angel didn't I?

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

[biadmin]

Your grief is your story. Talking and sharing your grief can be healing. Reading about other people's journey through the grief process can help you realize you are not alone. People want to read other people's stories. Do you want to share yours? Share yours at Beyond Story.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/stories/index.php

[tinasdad]

Christy, I don't see anything strange about you talking to him. You love Kagan so much he's still in your heart. It's perfectly normal to talk to him. My grandfather died in '83, and I still go up to the cemetary and visit with him. I hope you like that cat. I won't say Kagan is there, but God has a way of giving us someone to help us carry our sorrows. Even if it is a cat, eh.

Seeing you like fishing, I can get away with saying we go up to the Adirondack Mountains as much as possible for fishing. It's so relaxing to spend the day in the boat with my family.

Well, today is quiet with us. I have been upset about something from the past, but I can deal with it. My wife is having a good night so far. I so appreciate everyone's prayers for her. We were supposed to go to her doctor today, but her doctor was called home - she has two babies, one newborn, the other only one year old. So we are going back tomorrow. My daughter had tests for several things, including cancer, and we should know the results by Monday. I will keep you posted on that too. Tonight I will pray for you all, for peace, for healing, for hope. May God's blessings rest upon you all, Mark.

[lauraa]

Christy,

I talk with my husband all the time and my dad and others who have passed on.....You know I have had a really emotional week for alot of reasons and I have totally come to the conclusion that our loved ones are 100% in a much better place than we are...we can only hope that we will meet up with them all again. I know the road is hard...just keep looking up and you will be lifted.

[tinasdad]

Hi'all! Happy Mother's Day! I had the nicety of sleeping until about ten this morning, at least until my daughter's cat called me. No idea how that one happened, but he's a smart kitty. You are all facing such strong feelings today, I just wanted to tell you we are praying for each of you. Rest in the Lord, and let His Spirit comfort you in ways no one here can. Enjoy each moment of today, because you are truly beautiful Moms.

The Mom in our family is finally having a good day. Lots of new meds and now she has been sleeping for about twenty two hours. She needs the rest. Thanks to all of you for so much support and prayer. Tell ya more later on, Mark