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I Believe in God...


BreathofAngel

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slowlyhealing

It's a new day! WOOHOO. I made it through another night and so did my mom and aunt and the rest of my family. God is good.

Kitty, How are you doing girl? Hows the family? I am so glad you have good weather up there in New Hampshire. down here in KY it is beautiful. I actually have a teeshirt on. God knows indeed what we need to make it through the day. He knew today I NNNEEEEEDDDDED sunshine.

Mark how are you today. I haven't yet gotten to the book store, so I haven't been reading any good books. I read a devotion last night about prayer, which seemed to help. Maybe sometime later I'll post some of it on here. How is your wife? I hope you both are standing strong in God's loving arms. How is the rest of the family?

Laura, How are you doing? I know at times even on a good day you stop and think about what you'd have it your husband was here. I do that a lot with what my mom is going through and the loss of my dad, but then I remember... God has brought me through this far, and he has blessed me with a new day with WHAT he has given me. I will praise the Lord my God for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Don't tell me I'll get where that verse came from... ummm... okay someone tell me. I know its in the bible somewhere.

Anywho... I hope God blesses your day today, and gives you the strength and hope to smile, even if its at the little things.

Love you all, thanks for all your encouragement and help.

Okay... one other thing. We are looking for a full size van to help momma around, hopefully with a wheelchair ramp, and at a somewhat reasonable price, for us RIGHT now that would be somewhere around or under $20,000, if possible. But with God all is possible so... I'll keep on praying and looking, thank you all for helping me and my family with this. You are all such a blessing to me and my family

LOVE AND PRAYERS.

Nikki

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slowlyhealing

Well, plans fell through with my friend, so now I go to the bookstore alone. Not very fun but at least I get out of the house and work.

I have been getting the strange emails by this person. And they are pretty rough. He is not a believer and he seems pretty angry that I am. He keeps sending me these sights, and because my faith and my strong hold to God I refuse to look at them. Some of the names in themselves are offensive. God knows I never want to offend or push my faith in God on others, unless God needs me to, but... this last email this person sent me... well it was kind of hurtful. I don't know how he got my email address. Umm any idea of what to do. Should I change my email address?

Help

Nikki

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kagansmommy

Hey Nikki~! I have been getting the same emails. Kind of freaked me out a little. I delete them asap. I was afraid it was a virus or something. Maybe we shouldn't post our email addresses on here anymore. Have a nice day...sorry your plan's fell thru. Hope your Mom is doing well~!!

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

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slowlyhealing

that is a good idea, Christy.

First I'm going to most likely create a new email address... cause... well I mean its offensive for me to have to deal with this person. I believe in what I believe and I will stand true to God in that. I will not have anyone trying to trip me up.

How are you doing Christy? I hope you had a good day today.

My day was CRAZY! THank the Lord above for getting me through it.

Remember how I told you all that I was going to the book store, well I was going to go to barns and noble, but... I went to a town I have never been before. LOST my map and instead of stopping WHEN I SHOULD HAVE to ask directions I waited until I was totally lost, and oooo I was almost bawling by that time. I mean I thought I knew exactly where I was going and I just kept on getting more and more lost. I just cried, "Lord... I'm so sorry, I didn't listen to you and stop when I should have... Just either get me out of here or find me a place where I can ask directions."

TADAAAA>>>>> A BOOK STORE!!!!! WOOHOOO! PRAISE THE LORD ABOVE. Not only did I get the directions I needed to go back the way I had come from, and head home, but I WAS ABLE TO GET MY BOOKS. WOOHOO! The POWER OF PRAYER.

Oh... and when I was like totally lost and I was crying out... It's like this sudden peace came over me and I was thinkin about all you guys, and I was like ummm wow. Cause usually that doesn't happen, but... It was so wonderful, even though it took most of my strength to stop worrying and freaken out. I was afraid I would get lost in the middle of a corn field or something. BUT God pulled me through and now I am going to go crash on my couch... MOM WAS CRACKING UP WHEN I TOLD HER ABOUT IT, so at least I got a smile from my momma too. AFTER I change my email address, but for those who I already have email addresses to for prayers and concerns, I will send you my new one. I trust you :)

Mark hows your wife, and how are you doing, and your family?

Kitty, How are you doing, hows your family?

Laura, How are you? Was it a good day or a so so day?

Christy, thanks for the advice and I hope you have a good day/ night depending where you live.

Talk to you all later,

LOVE AND PRAYERS TO ALL OF YOU.

Nikki

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Nikki, Hit my IM (that is if you can get a word in edgewise while my daughter is online with me, and we'll talk about all thise little things, eh. It's under control and you're all better now. We have a few things to discuss privately about the van thing and that will allow us the opportunity to talk about the rest of the issues. It would be nice to simpy use a new e-mail addy, but what about simply adding that sender to the blocked sender's list. It's easy, fun, and everyone is doing it! Besides, if you accumulate enough points, you can win a spy decoder ring. LoL.

I'm sitting here laughing, not at you, but in the happiness of your Mom laughing at the silliness. It must look so good to you to see her that way, eh. Of course, it does you a world of good too.

Well, if you wanna visit, you know how. I like that comedy routine with the daytime - nighttime. For me, the night is my day, so I have a tough time understanding why there is sunlight at 9 AM at night. LOL. Yes I wrote that as I wanted to. Catch you all later, and don't go changing your addys, just add the sender to the blocked sender's list. An easy solution. Mark

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slowlyhealing

haha... Good point. I have so many emails its not even funny. I would love a spy decoder ring. lol. I have never even heard of a spy decoder ring. sounds purty interesting through. About the van... Ummm yeah we'll have to talk about that. Its looking pretty interesting down here, my aunt has found a few down here but they are all pretty high in price. WHAT vehicle isn't through. My mom wants to only spend 5,000 dollars on this van, but I would want so desperately to get her a van she needs and will ACTUALLY work in the course of this disease. I know that we might not need it long, but...

Alrighty then moving on. Not going to cry tonight. I'm happy. Got lost, I'm okay... still a little nervous for some reason... I shouldn't be... but I think my brain is just a little slow tonight.

As for the night time... I seem to be more awake during the night than I am during the day. It's really weird. I mean here my mom is sleeping, my brothers are sleeping.. so here I am of course Talking to God cause He loves to here my news of the day, and then I'm left talking to my fish Bob. Its funny, how just little things like fish or dogs or another thing that God puts in our life seem to be helpful at four o'clock in the morning WHEN you just can't fall asleep. I have though been trying to get on a routine. Sleep at night school at day. Its not easy, maybe somewhere out there they offer jobs as crisis, grief, and everyday normal counselors to work at night time. I would be pretty good at it.

God has blessed me in so many ways. I truly feel his presence with me tonight. I'm so happy, it feels as though it has been forever.

My friends are coming down from Chicago. ANOTHER blessing. It looks to be everything is alright with their daugther. ANOTHER blessing!

I hope you all are doing alright.

Kitty, I haven't heard from you today... well let me check before I go and say that. How is everything? Keeping yourself busy? How is your husband doing?

Laura, How are you today? Did you have an okay day? Remember to hold on. God is always with you.

Christy, thanks for your testimony, I know it must be very hard, but God will do marvelous things through you, and will strengthen you if you ask him too. Its okay to laugh, and its alright to cry, just turn to him and he will grant you peace and comfort. It may not all come at once, sometimes God makes us wait, but He will make you such a better and stronger person because of it.

Mark how is your wife... Did I already ask that? Anyway how is she doing? Tell her she is in my prayers. How are you doing? Sorry We didn't get to talk about the van tonight. AND sadly I have already gotten a new email... ummm... right... okay... I don't know what I'm going to do there.Lol I did block the other email address person thing though. I still haven't found any signs of that secret decoder ring. Hummm I guess it is in the mail. haha

AND yes it feels wonderful to see my mom smile. AND her laugh... OH MY GOODNESS its addicting. I love her so much and it pains me to see her suffer, but on the good days, I hold on so tight to those days. I hope you and your wife have your good days too, and that goes for all of you. How are your children handling it? Do you talk to them often?

I think that is what I miss about having a dad, if something goes wrong I could tell him things. Well... wait I have a FATHER he may not be here in person but I mean he is always here in my heart, and he will never let me down.

May you all find your Father's love. He is forever in supply, and he will never run out.

Have a good night/ day. May God bless you and your families in your times of need.

God bless,

Forever in prayer and love

Nikki

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kagansmommy

I had a great night tonight Nikki..thanks for asking. I went out tonight for the first time in over 2 years. I never would leave Kagan long enough to go do anything other than what was necessary and the last three month's I was pregnant the doctor had me on complete bed rest. I have finally gotten over the guilt problem enough to go out and actually be able to laugh. It is amazing how much things have changed out there in the world. Even the people I saw all the time before have changed so much. I never thought about what I was missing being home with Kagan but I enjoyed him so much I didn't care what I was missing out on. He was such a pleasure. People couldn't understand how I did it but it never did bother me. I had such a peace about the whole situation.

When they told me there was no hope for Kagan and he would never come off the vent I ask the doctors how I would know it was time to end his suffering. They told me that i would know when the time was right and I thought they were crazy.

I was holding him praying my heart out and all of a sudden this wonderful peace came over me and I knew it was time. Kagan's Dad was afraid I would flip out and make them put it back in but it felt so right. Then whe nthey told me I could stay with him as long as i wanted after he passed I told them not to tell me that or I would sit there all night. The nurse smiled and said you will know when it's right to leave him just like you knew it was time to let him go and boy was she right. I gave him his last bath about 45 minutes after he passed...dressed him for the last time...then sat and rocked him for almost three hours. But then all of a sudden I knew it was time to go. That was the most horrible and the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced at the same time. At the very moment Kagan took his last breath I finally got the closure on my Dad's death that I had been trying so hard to get for 10 month's.

So tonight was a new beginning for me. Time to start living again for my beautiful angel. God has given me the strength to get over some mighty tall hurdles and I am sure he will continue to help me thru this journey.

Hugs and prayers to you all~!!

Christy (kagansmommy)

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

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Dear Kagansmommy,

I am so happy you went out last night. I think we all have to remember has hard as it is that our loved ones would not want us to be sad.....that is the hard part....cause we are...it takes time. My husband was entrenched into my heart and soul...every fiber of my body. I know you baby was, too! And, everyone else here who has lost their loves. Yesterday, I forced myself to not cry so much but the tears were still there. I have alot of major things on my plate that compounds the loss of my husband which in turn makes my grieving very difficult. Anhwho....as our dear Nikki would say (I love that)....we have to pray to our Lord to help us get thru this...I think that the anger part of grieving keeps us from that so we have to be kind to ourselves at this vulnerable time.....Everytime I close my eyes I can see my husbands face and I know he is with me always.

Nikki, you are ALWAYS on my mind and in my prayers...I can just see your mommy waiting you with such amazement just as my husband and dad did with me.....We are STRONG! All of us are!

I am also getting that weirdo's email...I find it interesting that these people want us to respect their opinions and free speech but they feel it is o.k. to invade our privacy......I ignore satan!

I hope everyone has a great, sunny, warm day and remember we only have today! Our loved ones are closer to us than our own hearts....that means they are close to our souls...soulmates! Love to all.

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slowlyhealing

God bless you Christy,

I am so glad you could get out tonight. Its wonderful to feel free again. I know there are times where I feel as though I'm trapped in the four walls of the apartment. Stress just seems to build up, and though its not healthy to let it stay there deep inside you... it seems as though you have no where to go to let it all out. So if my aunt is there even for a little bit I try to get out. Just go for a walk or come and check my emails and this message board. God draws hurting souls together so we can moan, but also rejoice in what He has given us.

I don't know if I would ever be able to do what you did. A child is different from a parent, I know that much. I know that if I was in your situation I would have to lean on GOD during the whole time and NOT stop even after my child was gone, but I also would remember... my child, as young as yours was, would be in heaven sitting on the ULTIMATE FATHER's LAP. My goodness girl that's a blessing. Little Kagan will always be your son, and He will always be in your thoughts and memories. THe simple things he did, call for you, smile, look at you... YOu'll treasure those forever. Don't let them stumble you up, because you too will see his face again in heaven, and you'll see your dads. And oh what a reunion that will be when we all gather up there singing praises and holding each other again.

A lot of people don't understand why I continue to help and or try to help my mom. My simple phraze is "She would do the same. She raised me, and loved me when the world just turned away. I am here today, because of her."

Kagan lived. You brought him life, and though he was so young... He too brought life into your life. It hurts sometimes, but don't hold onto the bad memories and sad memories. Hold on to the truth and the peace that God brought your son as God brought your son HOME. He is no longer in pain, he is with your father, and with God and Jesus. Oh what peace he must have. No more restless nights fighting... He is rested and comforted.

He would want you to start living again Christy. I know... Even though my mom is dying, and she won't be there to see me get married or hold my babies... She'll always be in my heart, and she would want me to push on with this life.

We all have so much to offer the world with our testimonies and our lives, "Its time to start living again". :)

You are all in my thoughts and prayers,

Love always a Sister in Christ,

Nikki

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slowlyhealing
Dear Kagansmommy,

I am so happy you went out last night. I think we all have to remember has hard as it is that our loved ones would not want us to be sad.....that is the hard part....cause we are...it takes time. My husband was entrenched into my heart and soul...every fiber of my body. I know you baby was, too! And, everyone else here who has lost their loves. Yesterday, I forced myself to not cry so much but the tears were still there. I have alot of major things on my plate that compounds the loss of my husband which in turn makes my grieving very difficult. Anhwho....as our dear Nikki would say (I love that)....we have to pray to our Lord to help us get thru this...I think that the anger part of grieving keeps us from that so we have to be kind to ourselves at this vulnerable time.....Everytime I close my eyes I can see my husbands face and I know he is with me always.

Nikki, you are ALWAYS on my mind and in my prayers...I can just see your mommy waiting you with such amazement just as my husband and dad did with me.....We are STRONG! All of us are!

I am also getting that weirdo's email...I find it interesting that these people want us to respect their opinions and free speech but they feel it is o.k. to invade our privacy......I ignore satan!

I hope everyone has a great, sunny, warm day and remember we only have today! Our loved ones are closer to us than our own hearts....that means they are close to our souls...soulmates! Love to all.

Hello Laura,

Oh the weather is beautiful, after I post this post, I am SOOOOO going outside. lol. Its amazing how strong people are when they are faced in our situations. Even the weakest are made strong in our Lord.

Even after my mom passes, I know she'll be with me. I'll forever carry her in my heart, and mind and the memories will be so wonderful. I'll just have to remember to hold on to the dear and happy precious ones insead of the sad, and trying ones.

What a wonderful day it will be when we all stand face to face, and we'll recognize each other and our family members. God is so awesome. I praise him for making this life I have now. Yes its trying, and yes I get weakened and tired, but I know he is there... I just remember the burden I made Jesus bear. I remember the cross he had to take up, and the time where his Father turned his back because of me. How very alone he must have felt. Here I am scared of being alone, when I really am never alone. Here I am scared to go through this trial, knowing at this trials end I will no longer have a mother. BUT... I will have God, and I will have love, and the strength to move on, and hopefully touch others with my story.

May God bless you Laura, I hope you find the strength you need today.

Love and Prayers

Nikki

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Nikki, I have often wondered at the arrangement of the words in Job, when he said "the lord gives and and the Lord takes away." I remember that it worked in reverse for me when my grandfather died. I took off in my rig, and only showed up when I needed a day off from the highway. But there was a friend, just an older man, who somehow managed to get close enough to get me back into a sense of spiritual perspective. He also taught me to pray with a power that I am ashamed to say I didn't have before. A few of you talked about being angry at God a few days back, and this way of praying we learned was close to yelling at Him. "You promised this in the Bible, now I need it!" Get the picture? I think God expects us to insist that He do things for us, like a little child bugging Mommy for candy.

Don't be afraid to face anything, because "greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world." We are here for a while to worship the Lord, then we shall be forever with Him, in His presence, serving in the royal kingdom of the King of kings. I went through a struggle about the impending future with my wife, and as I worked through it, I realized that I am not upset because I am losing her, but because I will be without her for a while. She will be in Heaven while I continue on here, then when my turn comes, I can join her and be with her and the Lord forever. I know this sounds morbid in a way, but I look at it like it has hope instead.

Talk to you later. Mark

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slowlyhealing

I know exactly what you mean, Mark. I mean there are just times where I am shouting to God... but you you said I would be comforted, There are so many things in the bible you promised, but I have not yet recieve. WHY Lord why if you are the comforter, does it have to hurt so bad I mean I know he hears these prayers, and I being a selfish and scared child, He does take me in and wraps his arms around me, even though I don't deserve this type of love I know he is there.

I still go through some trials and struggles with the fact that I will not have mom the way other people have had theirs. Mom won't be there during the important parts in my life, but if I say her... and how she was going to be if this disease let her live to the birth of my children... HOW in the world would she look, would she even know my name? Would she be in so much pain or not even know what was real. I know my mom will be waiting for me. I have a peace in knowing that she won't have to be trapped and feel so helpless all the time. I have a peace knowing she will be with our Lord and Savior... AND oh what heaven would be like, when we get to be with them all face to face, huggin and embracing each other, as though we were the greatest of friends not able to see each other for a long time. I have something to look forward to... even in the pain. I will make it through with prayer, and God by my side. I will live my life, as though it is a precious gift, just like GOd intended it to be, and when I get to heaven, and I see our Lord and Saviour, I want to be one that hears, "Well done, my good and faithful servent. My dearest child you may come home now."

GREATER IS HE THAT IS IN ME, THAN HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD.

May god bless you, Mark. You are so strong, and I know you are a wonderful father and husband. May God bless you through the trials you are going through, and bring your family closer than they ever have been before.

For the rest of you, Kitty, Cristy, and Laura, You all hang in there. I am so glad God brought us all together. Though we have different stories, we all have a hurting heart, and in time and with great love God will mend the broken pieces.

Love you all, hope you have a great night/ day

A loving sister and friend

Nikki

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Hello Everyone,

Mark...I want you to know that now that I have lost my husband the only thing that truely has kept me going and sane is knowing that he is in heaven and not suffering any longer...and, that he is waiting for the day we will be re-united...that is the only thing besides our children. It is so difficult when they "pass". When you are so committed to your spouse (soulmate) and have been together your entire life it is so hard to adapt to and accept. I can't get use to not having him with me...we thought alike and were inseperable since the time we met. Now, I am trying to adjust to a life without him until we meet again...I am totally lost without him and I pray to god to help get me thru this pain. It's like my reality is being tested...how can life change so drasticly? I know you and everyone else here knows what I am talking about. My only suggestion to all of you is to tell them and I know you do how much you love them....I did and I still feel it wasn't enough...it's funny the things that goes thru your mind. I read alot of books about the "afterlife" after my parents and husband passed and they really helped me....They saved me! Hello From Heaven was one and books by George Anderson. NIKKI.... god is with you I just know it. It is not easy the cards you have been dealt....you are going a great job.

Another story.....when I was young I had a Near Death Experience...I almost drowned in a lake on a relatives farm....The water was murky and dark and I knew I was in trouble...I prayed and accepted the fact that I was dying...I prayed peacefully to god and thanked him for the beautiful life I had and asked him to take care of my family....a bright white light started to shine thru the water like a tunnel and I drifted straight up to the surface and my dad was there to pull me into a boat. My point is that when my time came I felt totally peaceful to go....I guess god wasn't ready to have me yet. I was with my husband when he passed and he went peaceful as well even though he suffered so....When my dad "passed" a couple of weeks before he started to get confused BUT he would call out names of family members that had "passed" before him and one night when my brother and I were sitting with him he would look at the ceiling as if he was following something across the roon...that freaked out my brother but I said their are angels in this room getting ready to help him cross over and that is also why I think he was calling out the names of family members because they were also there to be with him....I really, really believe that.....I think when our time comes god is there and also he sends his helpers.....They went home! Kagansmommy....your little angel is home and he will see you again....this is hell here for us. I use to think there is heaven and hell and this was just earth (the in-between) but now I think this is hell and it is how we handle ourselves. I like my husband try to live by the Golden Rule and hopefully like you Nikki when I have my life review God will say "Well Done My Child". Sleep well everyone! God bless you all..........

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slowlyhealing

Hello you all. It was a long night last night. Just couldn't sleep. When I did get to sleep it was probably around 2 oclock but then I tossed and turned for a while so... I'm a bit tired.

BUT

It was a wonderful morning I got up got ready for Church and the pastor just had a wonderful sermon about God the father, God the son, and God the Holy spirit. And how the power of God can move mountains and just give us the upmost comfort. I was like wow... This is just what I needed today.

Well I am going to let you all, go I may come back later and type some more, depending if I have some homework to finish and or I take a nap.

I hope you are all doing well, Laura... How are you today? I hope your day is going well, how is your family? Mark, How is your wife and your family? How has your day been? Kitty haven't heard from you in a couple days, hope everything is all right. Christy, how has today been? I hope God has given you strength to start a new day.

Well you all are in my thoughts and prayers today. We may have found a van, but we don't know for sure. We don't know if our lift to our old van will work with the new van, but please be in prayers, because the price isn't exactly in our playing field either. Eeeekkk. God is in Control.

May God bless you and your family.

Love and Prayers always

Nikki

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slowlyhealing

Good evening you all. Its about six my time and I feel as though I am sleep walking to get things done around the house.

Having company didn't only take the toll on my mom, with lack of sleep and all, but it just wore me out. Hopefully I'll have a better night sleep tonight. I pray that God gives me strength to make it through another week, another day, another hour, with hope and peace.

It was another beautiful day today, which gave me some peace, I got out and walked some, sat on the swing outside the apartment and read some. Tonight I'll probably be praying some more, before I turn of the lights, for peace for all of us, and the strength to get us through the next day. I hope you all had a great day. Hope the weather was friendly at your homes, and I hope you and your families are doing all right.

We still have not heard from our friends about the van down here. I am a little nervous about it, because... its not really a wheelchair type van, but this man that is really good friends with my aunt said that it can be done. Please be in prayer for that. Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts. Remember you all are in my thoughts and prayers also. You always have someone praying for you. And God will always be tehre through it all.

I must go... I'm kind of in a daze of dizziness. So I'm going to lie down and get some rest.

Hope you all have a great night/ day. God bring you rest and peace in your trying times.

Hope,love, and prayers,

Nikki

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kagansmommy

Hey Nikki and the rest of my friend's here. As a matter of fact I could not have had a more perfect day. Kagan's Dad (Peter) and I worked in the yard most of the afternooe getting ready to put in Kagan's frog pond/memorial garden. I called him froggy and he had all kind's of frog's. But most of all he loved listening to them when we went fishing. We also have a pond on our property full of bull frogs so he could really hear them croaking. It was an absolutely beautiful day with clear skies, bright sunshine and 78 degrees here in Indiana.

We were going to go plant a little flower garden in front of Kagan's headstone after we finished here when my older son called and said he bought me something today if I wanted to come down. So after we finished at Kagan's grave we went to my son's house. He bought me the most beautiful concrete frog to put in Kagans garden...it weighed almost 100 pound's. That tell's you how big it is.

I was so excited. Not only that he bought it but because it was for his baby brothers garden. He never really got close to Kagan because he was scared of making him sick or something. Plus I got to spend some time with my grand kid's. The oldest, Dacey 17 months, is as wrotten as they come. And Dawson who's 4 month's is going to be just as wrotten I have a feeling. So I would have to say this day has been as close to perfect as it can get.

Take care everyone...Christy

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Hi Nikki,

I will be in prayer about the van for your mom. Thanks also for praying for me and my family. It is very challenging time for me as I have 3 very busy teenagers. I live 800 miles away from my family so here I am raising them all by my lonesome....We are tight and working closely together. My oldest is off to college next year so he is real excited about that...me, too. I hope you are able to stay positive but always know that what you are going thru is extremely hard and it is o.k. to feel sad and down sometimes...I know you probally go on automatic pilot so when you can rest, you should. Sleep tight and have sweet dreams...I hope you know I will be praying for you and your family always. Peace.

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Christy,

That does sound like a perfect day! You son probally had so many feelings inside that he never really knew how to express them...what a beautiful thing for him to do and he knew and much it meant to you...that is so good...I am happy for you. Tomorrow will be another good day, then another and another...you deserve that.....Nighty,nite!

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What a weekend, eh. I had to deal with a migraine headache, so life was "dark." If anyone on my addy list got stupid things from my confuser, it still had a glitch until last night. Should be better now. Nikki, I'll pray for a nap for you today. I know you have more on your mind than a hundred your age should have. Even still, you will be given the strength to get through each day, moment, by resting in the Lord. I should be able to give you some info tonite on the van.

My wife slept all weekend. It was good for me so I could deal with my headache. Her pain has been worsening, and we are going to the neuro dr. to check on new meds for it. With that, we get the BP going too high. With her dr. so far away, we get to visit our nieces while there. I can't wait to spoil them again. As though I would.

Lauraa, my heartfelt prayers are yours. The hardest thing I have ever been through in my life is this, and I still feel like the luckiest man alive because I shared it with her. I found it just like the way God works to reunite me with my daughter at the time when my wife goes into the final stage of this. Someday, I'll bore you all with that one. lol. I really have no reason to complain, but still I feel lonely when I think of the future. Yet, God knows what each of needs, and He will care for us better than we could ever imagine.

I pray for everyone of you to have today be a good one. Your strength will come from God, and He will shower you with peace.

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Hi All,

Mark, I know what a migraine is and the "hangover" that comes along with one the next day...I am glad your wife slept. And, I would love to hear your story about your daughter when the time is right. You give me encouragment with your strength and dedication for your wife...I did the same with my dear husband when he became sick....I'll bet you have never seen a woman carry her husband? lol...I loved him so, so much and the day he "passed" I truely lost a part of myself. I'm am crying now...again! I just can't believe I have to go the rest of the way without him with me. I'm talking in the physical sense...I know he is close to me always...I see him when I close my eyes. He has come thru to me when I had a reading with a medium when I was told things that the medium would never have known... so that validated the reading. I needed that confirmation or I don't think I could have gone on. I found a beautiful spiritual church that I attend when I can and I find great peace and healing there. That is a whole other can of worms, though. It is so lovely to know there is a man out there nurturing and taking care of his wife....I love to hear that. Thanks for helping Nikki with the Van...if I can help let me know???? I know there hqas to be resources out there that can.

SWEET NIKKI, You are a crusader! We need more people in the world like you....I'll bet you are also a great sister to have. I can just see your mother gleaming everytime she looks at you...And, I know she is very happy to know that you are carrying on with your schooling and everything else.

Christy.....I am happy you are having wonderful days...keep telling me as it helps me to see the light.

It has been a rough month for me. My dad "passed" last year and I have realized that every April he would come and visit me for a couple of weeks so subconsciously I felt it without putting it together...That coupled with my one year anniversary of loosing my husband have been playing havic on me. I really would appreciate your prayers to help give me strength as there are days that I feel I'm carrying weights around. On a scale from 1-10, my energy level is about a 1. I am doing everything I should...I walk, go to my kids things (that's alot)and everything else..but I don't love anything, anymore!...Except my family...I guess this is the process...it awful. May 16th is the one year anniversay so please keep me and my kids in your prayers......especially as I am going thru the anger stage with god. That is the hardest part of all this.....And, I hear others who have lost someone say the same things so I guess it is normal...Everyone have a beautiful day........

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Hello Saints!! I was away all weekend but just caught up on all the newsy posts. Last week I started getting those same emails that some of you got but after the 2nd day of it i blocked him as a sender and that took care of the problem just like mark suggested. the enemy lurks!! but, praise God, His light will always overtake the enemy's darkness. . . .

i am so pleased with the work God is doing in Christy's life. . . . . TO LIVE AGAIN . . . i believe with all my heart that God wants us to CHOOSE LIFE. of course we will experience a period of mourning and life will never be the same. BUT LIFE CONTINUES FOR US LEFT BEHIND and God's intention for us is to continue on serving and loving Him with all our heart's and souls. I am praising God that eyes are being opened and ears are hearing and life is being LIVED!!!

Never forget that the circle will once again be complete in heaven . . . we will all be back together with our loved ones rejoicing and happier than we've ever been . . . we'll all be together again and the circle will, once again, be complete! Praise God!!

Make sure the very short time we have left on this earth is well spent, keep shaping and refining yourself to walk in the light and touching everyone you meet with the love of Christ. . . . LOVE TO YOU ALL!!

kitty

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slowlyhealing

Good morning/ afternoon/ umm I guess night for those across the sea.

I had like the best sleep I have had in ages. Well make that about four years. It was so wonderful. I wish I didn't have to get up for school, but I need to be here. Here I am waiting for my first class to start, and seriously thinking I want to go home before my next class, cause after all the company and stresses at home I didn't finish my homework. :( Not good, but I'm going to try to finish before my next class, cause if not then I'm not going to stress out with my teacher and I'll just go home and finish it there, and study for this HUGE test I have tomorrow. Ewww... School days. People say I'm going to miss them, but right now at this very moment. I WON'T

Thank you for all the prayers and thoughts for our family last night and this morning. I know they were answered. Sleep doesn't come easy for me anymore. I'm always afraid that even though mom had a good day before, I would wake up and go to her room and she wouldn't be there. God would have already taken her home. So every night I make sure that I tell her I love her, and we pray, and we say our goodnights and our see you later, cause even if the Lord does take her (never know when he'll take any of us) I know I'll be seeing her again. So... sleep truly doesn't come easy. Especially on rough nights where mom has coughing attacks. PRAISE GOD for my Aunt Debbie. I know I would never ever be able to finish college or even attempt to go to college without her.

Lets see what else is going on around my house hold. Ahhh my brother went to prom. He's so grown up. He's now 17. I remember when we were itty bitty I use to drag him along with a dog leash and he would pretend to be my doggy. Ahhh those were the days,where worry and the pains were all comforted by my parents hands and hugs. Now here I am worried and pained but I still run to the comforter for His loving hands and arms take away the pains and worries. Praise the Lord.

You know I asked my brother if he would ever where that dog leash again, and he refused, even though I promised him ice cream afterwards. Oh well... We'll always hold onto the memories. Hold onto the good and not sad memories of my dad. Hold onto the memories of my mothers strength and her smile and her laugh, and her arms when they wrapped around me.

Laura you are such a sweet person. I bet that you are a great mom. Three kids is a lot to handle, take it from one of the children of the three mom has to handle every day. Yes sure now It seems like we switched places and now I'm the caregiver/ momma sister person, but I'm glad I'm not the boss. lol. My brothers already hate me for being the communicator between the mom and them. well my younger brother hates the fact of it, my 17 year old brother already knows everything thats going on so he doesn't really mind as long as I'm not the one telling him that he is grounded. You are so strong, Laura, don't let everything bind up inside you because God is always there and he will strengthen you in your time of need and in the time that your teenagers start a yelling. eekkk. those are not always the best time, but God will see you through.

Christy, I am so happy for you girl. I'm glad you had a great day. It sounds like you got a lot of work done in your yard and garden and I'm really glad you feel the need to move on. I know Kagan would be so proud of his momma right now. I'm sure he is smiling down at you right now. God will always be there with you CHristy, and he will strengthen you and hear youir prayers.

Mark thanks for your prayers and your help. I know your busy with everything going on in your own life, but you still take time to help a person like me and my family. I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart. I may be online a little later in the day about maybe around 2:30-3 central time. You know my address and everything. Maybe we can talk about the van. I don't really know what is going on with the one down here, but they are still worried about the price and if the ramp thing is going to fit. So... that is where my family is at on that subject thing. How is your wife and kids? How have you been feeling after that headache migraine.

I hate those... for some reason it seems I get more of those now too. I hope you are feeling much better

Kitty how are you doing girl? I hope everything is okay up there. How is the family?

Well I must go. My first class is going to start soon.

I'll talk to you all later

May God bless, strengthen, provide, and love in all of your lives. Thank you for all the hope and encouragement you have all provided me the last couple days/ weeks. I know that in time I may need more, but I know that you will all be here praying for me and my family.

Hope, love, and prayers,

Nikki

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kagansmommy

Good morning everyone. It is another beautiful day here in southern Indiana. It's 11 am and already 77 degrees. Thank you Nikki and Laura for the prayers...God knows I need them right now. I am going to work on Kagan's and my Dad's graves again today. When they dug Kagan's grave the ground was soft and they did some damage to my Dad's and I want to fix it myself. My friend's think I should get someone else to do it but they don't understand the comfort and healing I get from doing it myself. Yesterday Peter carried the dirt and dumped it then he stood back and let me work. I planted flowers and spread the dirt with my own hands. He knew I needed to do that alone. It was hard for him to stand and watch and not do anything. As soon as I was done he cleaned up everything and carried it all back to the truck. He feels he needs to take care of me too...he is a good man.

Mark....it does my heart so much good to hear how you care for your wife. There are so many men out there that would cinsider what you are doing a burden. Caring for the ones you love the most in this world should never be a burden.

I was blessed with two wonderful men in my life...most women are lucky to find one like I had. I had a wonderful marriage for 25 years and we parted on good terms and are good friends to this day. And Peter is equally as wonderful. They both treated me like a prize posession. I thank God for bringing them into my life. I also would love to hear the story about your daughter some day.

You are right Laura about my son's feelings. He blamed me totally for the breakup of our family and had a lot of hard feeling against Peter and that carried over to Kagan too. I think now that he regrets the way he acted and wishes he ahd known Kagan better and spent more time with him. He asked me to make some wallet size pictures of Kagan a couple weeks ago so he could carry them in his wallet. He had a sticker made for the back of my blazer that said "IN MEMORY OF KAGAN 2003-2005" He also has one on his blazer and 4 wheeler. He was going to race his 4 wheeler and said he wanted that on the front to protect him. It is those little things he does that make me see how much he really did love his little brother. I have a charm bracelet with Kagans name on it and my son bought me a "in memory of my son" charm to put on it.

I have had a lot of people tell me they stayed away because they didn't want to take a chance on making Kagan sick. Or they were afraid to call because they knew how hard it was for me to take care of him and was constantly doing something with him. Maybe it is the truth and maybe it is just excuses...I don't know. But Kagan knows his mommy loved him and gave everything she had to take care of him. I have no regrets and thank God daily for giving me the chance to take care of him. Kagan was a true blessing and a miracle. And I was lucky enough to be chosen by God to be a huge part of that miracle.

I know what you mean Nikki about sleep being hard to come by. I average about 3-4 hours a night and it takes all night to get that much in. I have been thay way for years. And when Kagan was on his apnea monitor I would lay awake for hours watching the lights flash on it. I almost drove myself nuts the first few month's doing that. But last night I slept like I never have before. I don't even remember the alarm going off for Peter to get up for work at 5 am.

But I am off to start another day. I'll be praying for you all...and the van too. I drove a truck and it was so hard getting Kagan into so my Mom had given me her 2001 4-door blazer. So I know some prayers are answered right when you need them. Have a good day everyone~!!

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

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kagansmommy

Hello everyone~!! Well, I went to work on the graves again today. It didn't go quite as well as yesterday. I think it was because I was there alone. Even though Peter stands back and lets me work in silence he is still there if I happen to need him. Being there alone leaves me feeling a little vulnerable and I don't understand why. I spread some more dirt on my Dad's grave and watered Kagan's flowers but I couldn't plant the tulip's that I took to plant beside my Dad's stone. I cried the whole time I was there. It just goes to show you that just when you think you have a grip on things...boom, you don't~!!!

If you all would like to see pic's of Kagan you can visit the website from the funeral home. I have tried a couple times to make his own but can't hold it together long enough. Go to www.daycarter.com and click on Obituaries on the left. Then click the little box for obituary and type in his full name

Kagan Axsom-Szymborski. His name will come up under the obituariy list and click on that. Under his obituary will be a link to view his slide show of pic's they showed at the funeral home and a link to light a virtual candle if you would like to do that too. The very first pic in the slide show was taken of him and I at the hospital about a week before he passed away. And the one of him kissing me on the cheek tears my heart out to look at it.

There is pic's of him and his dad in the pool last summer. Some of him and his big brother ans some with my Mom. But the best ones are of him and my Dad. I will cherish those forever. I want to thank you all for allowing me to tell my story here and for praying for me. I think of you all often and wonder how everyone is doing. Take care~!!

Christy

"I LOVE YOU BABY BOY"

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Christy, you said "It just goes to show you that just when you think you have a grip on things...boom, you don't~!!!"

certainly my experience with grieving erin's death has not been a step-ladder process. . . you are so right. you have good days and better days and think you've got it under control and then you get knocked down to the bottom rung again. for sometimes the silliest or strangest reasons. it's normal and IT WILL GET BETTER. the next best thing to God for those of us who have lost loved ones is TIME. time is a healer, this i have definitely learned.

remember to wear your armour everyone. put on that garmet of praise for the spirit of heaviness. think of one little thing that you can praise God for and just do it! sometimes it's easier said than done, i know you guys. but there really are blessings that come and come quickly when you have a heart full of thanksgiving - especially in the midst of your pain and sorrow.

you are doing a GREAT job christy. keep up the good work by leaning on God through your hard days, hard hours, hard minutes. You are more than a conquerer and you can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens you.

God Bless You All!

Love,

kitty

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slowlyhealing

Christy and Kitty,

I know exactly, well almost exactly what you mean. You think everything is under control and suddenly one bad day, or one bad moment rocks your world again. OH Lord, help me today.

This day has been so very stressful for me, and even though I know it shouldn't have been it still is. I feel as though all my insides are being twisted, I can't breath at times and it takes most of my strength to hide the tears. I don't have a reason to cry. I don't have a reason to be so upset. Everything was going well I had a good night sleep. Mom seemed to be doing well before I left this morning. And then I went to college, and it just seemed everything went down hill. I knew that I didn't have this homework assignment done. Insead of doing it last night when I planned on doing it, I really needed sleep so I crashed on my bed, only meaning to get a couple hours, well I slept all night. And though it felt really good, I was so upset at myself. I should of gotten that stupid paper done before the guest arrived, but my energy seems so drained at times. No excuses though it was my laziness that I didn't get that paper done. So I fought with myself. Should I go... SHould I not go to this class... My stress level reached the all time high in what seemed like weeks, and over something so petty. I decided I wouldn't go and I decided that I would go to that book store to calm my nerves. I got two new books, though I don't plan on reading them until I get this paper done, and until I am done with a test in my other class. Even that didn't work! Bookstores and Libraries are usually so helpful at calming my nerves but they weren't today. I got back in the car and decided to drive home. Everything just seemed to hit me at once yet again. And there I was listening to my christian radio crying cause I am just so tired. Lord knows what I can handle, but school, homelife and the ever coming guest coming down to visit mom is just driving me crazy I think. I mean its okay when they are here... but when they leave, the aftermath is so unbareable. The tiredness sets in, when the guest are here we don't have any problem with tiredness, but after... My brothers act all behaved when guest are here, but when they leave another hurrican hits our household, and my mom... SHE LOVES COMPANY, but she gets so weak and tired afterwards too. I don't know what to do... I am so stressed, and I think it is finally taking a toll on my health too. I want to help I do. I want to help my mom, and my brothers, and my aunt, and all the rest of my family, but I am only one person. I have already taken on school and though at times I feel I'm falling, I am conquering that obstical... I have taken over some of the house chores, and taking care of mom.

I'm just so tired.

I must go now... I'll probably type more later

Nikki

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kagansmommy

Remember one very important thing Nikki...we are only human. We aren't perfect and sometimes we fail. When the stress level's are so high the smallest pettiest little things seem so large and overwhelming. It's ok to feel the way you are feeling. We all go through it and we all need someone to lean on from time to time...thats why we are here. To help each other make it through another bad day. To pick each other up when our spirit is at its lowest. I had company this afternoon. This young lady has a 15 month old child. I have told her over and over again that I don't want to be around kids right now but she keeps coming around. I usually don't answer the door and she assumes I am sleeping and goes away. Well today I decided to visit with her and her daughter. It turned out to be such good medicine for my soul. The one thing I always wished Kagan could do was wrap his arms around my neck and hug me tight but he couldn't. This little girl climbed right up on my lap and hugged me so tight. Her Mom was amazed because normally she doesn't go to anyone especially a stranger. I had not seen her since she was 5 months old. But that little girl and I connected for some reason and on a day when I needed it the most. That is God working. So hang in there Nikki. I am praying for something to lighten your load and lift your spirits today.

Kitty...I wear my suit of armour daily. Though sometimes it feels like it is made of silk and penetrated easily it's still there to protect me. I was raised Pentecost and attended church my whole life until about 4 years ago. I know what God can do because I have seen it with my own eyes. I have seen miracles happen. When you witness it with your own eyes you can't argue the power of God. He put me through...and brought me through this trial for a reason. I know it's not for me to question why but I do have to wonder. God has a work for me and I hope I don't miss it when it is handed to me.

Peace be with you all~!!!

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

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slowlyhealing

Christy,

Thank you so much for your prayers.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do, and Yet God is right there willing to take the load if I just give it to him. I do believe its going to be a rough night, but with love and prayers from friends like you and from MY awesome God. My family will make it through, and I will make it through.

I'm just breathing. Take a breath in... and yes let it out. I don't want to turn odd colors so letting out is always good.

May God bless all of us tonight/ today. And may He alone give us the strength we need to make it through.

Love you all, my prayers and thoughts go out to you.

Holding on to God's promise, and his loving arms,

Nikki

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slowlyhealing

Well good evening you all,

How has your day gone. Right now I am exhausted. I have been studying for this test I have tomorrow, and though I'm tired... I still have a peace deep inside me. I'll make it through.

Christy, how was your day? So far it sounds as though you had an eventful day. I hope everything turned out okay though. Sometimes eventful days can be a bit tiring, maybe thats just the 20 year old college student talking. At least you stayed busy though right. I'm glad you are able to get out of your house and taste freedome again. It must be so very wonderful for you. Kagan will always be with you in your heart and thoughts. God will always bless you for the trials you have gone through.

Laura, how has your day been? Did you get out and do anything new? Hows your family? I hope everyone is doing alright. You are in my thoughts and prayers girl.

Kitty how are you doing? I hope everything is alright around there. I think and pray for you often. May God give you strength and peace.

Mark, how is it going? Did you get rid of that migrain yet? Hows your wife doing? Hows you kids? I hope everything is going well in your homefront. Have you done any more concerts since we last talked?

Well I must go and finish this study thing and work on this upcoming paper. Ewwww..... I should probably also try to get some sleep. Thats always a good thing.

May God strengthen you all, and keep you in his loving arms forever and ever.

Hope, thoughts, love, and prayers,

Nikki

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slowlyhealing

Artist: Casting Crowns

Album: Casting Crowns

Song: Who Am I

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You're

Chorus:

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

A vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin

Would look on me with love and watch me rise again

Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea

Would call out through the rain

And calm the storm in me

I am Yours

Whom shall I fear

Whom shall I fear

'Cause I am Yours

I am Yours

I'm sure you all have heard this song before. Its been played on the radio billions of times up here, and I love it even more each time I hear it. I hope this song reminds us all how AWESOME OUR LORD truly is. That He would love us even through they darkest of times, and even when we can be so unbearble to love HE still cares and HE still hold us and calm us when we need HIM. He chooses to Love us, even though we don't deserve it. He does.

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Nikki, I am praying for each of you several times a day. Please excuse that I missed you recently on the IM. I have been fighting a migraine headache. When I get them, they hang around for a few days. My apologies for their lousy timing.

I know the stress is piling, and I am praying. At night, lay aside the day, and let it go until tomorrow. Do not think about it for at least six or seven hours. That is your time to rest. Make it an internal rule if you must. How do you think I got all this gray hair? LOL.

As for us, today was good. My wife had a pretty good day. Well that is until her pet Guinee Pig died. She named her Miss Piggy. She lived almost five years and had a pampered life. Unfortunately, she died in my wife's hands, and that really has her upset.

I will be in touch later on. Mark.

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kagansmommy

Hey Mark...I was so sorry to hear about your wifes guinee pig. I don't know what is going on or what is wrong with her but I know losing a pet can be rough.

I had my dog from the time she was 5 months old until she passed away at 15 years old. She went off and died somewhere a couple weeks before Kagan was born. I was supposed to be on complete bed rest and I was out in the woods looking for her. Its like she knew it would kill me to see her die and she spared me the heartache. It still killed me but I just wish I could have buried her. You can be as close to a pet as you are a family member.

I think of you and your family often and pray for you daily. I feel like I have made some real friends here. Peter thinks it is a blessing that I found this group. Hey guy's...I have talked him into going to church with me next weekend.

It is the Pastors church that conducted Kagans funeral. I used to go there a few years ago and he is a wonderful preacher. Peter has never been to a Pentecost church and has total respect for the pastor but he's a little leary of the unknown so pray for him please.

This evening turned out to be better than today was. Peter talked me into going fly fishing in a little pond right down the road. I caught my first bass EVER~!!

I was so excited. He got me into fishing after Kagan passed to try to take my mind off the stress and chill out a little bit. It works most of the time but we took Kagan fishing a lot so he could listen to the birds and frogs so it makes me miss him too. There were so many bull frogs croaking...Kagan would have loved it. Just about the time I said "bubby would love it here" that big bass grabbed my fly. I think I had some help from mommys little buddy on that one. Then we stopped at my Moms for a while and had a nice visit. My Dad has been gone for almost 13 month's and my Mom is getting married again May, 14th. That has been a hard thing for me to deal with but she found a wonderful man (his name is Dan)that you can't help but love. He is a good christian man and treats her like a queen. He was so good to me and Kagan while Kagan was in the hospital. If I would leave to get something to eat Dan would stand beside Kagan's bed and sing to him and pray the whole time I was gone.

I hope everyone gets a good nights sleep tonight. Good luck on that test Nikki.

I was told by my Aunt that God will never forget the sacrifices we make for our loved ones. All of us here have made some huge ones and the rewards are just around the corner~!! God Bless and goodnight~!!

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

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slowlyhealing

Hello Mark, and Christy, and the rest of you all!

Today seems as though its going to be a better day, well other than it started out quite odd, and a little stressful, I'm just going to let it slide and praise the Lord that I have another day to study for this test.

I couldn't really make it out to that class today, because of some sort of accident on the road. I pray that the families are okay. It didn't look good. I sat there watching the ambulance go by, and a couple fire trucks, and my stomach was in a knot the whole time, because if I had just left a little earlier like I had planned... That could have been me. I called my aunt to tell her what was going on and she said to come home. So I emailed my teacher to tell her about the situation and I know that she will let me reschedual the test, cause thats just the type of person she is. So here I am waiting. Waiting to go and drive to my last class of the day, and to go to work a little bit, and I just wanted to see how you all were doing. Just breathing and letting God have His way, cause... if I don't MAN... I am in big trouble.

Mark... Tell your wife I'm sorry for her loss of Miss Piggy. That is a clever name. I love little animals like guinee pigs and rabbits. I had two rabbits when we moved down here, and they were both pretty old. They were normally house rabbits. One was named Lulu, and the other Rootbeer. My aunt and uncle kept them for me because I couldn't keep them in the apartments, so ever day I would go out and talk to them, because they were really good listeners and they let me cry, when I needed to and they wouldn't talk back... well Lulu would stomp her foot when she thought I had talked enough, but they were so sweet. I miss them both so very much. I wish I had a pet again. They are just so theraputic. I now have a gold fish, but you really can't pet those and hold them... They need water. :-/ and I don't think they are really good listeners, but I guess I'll never know that. Hopefully later on we will be able to talk, Mark. I know that you have somethings to talk about, about the van.

It doesn't look as though we will be getting the van my aunt looked at. Its just to small. Ahhhh.... God will provide though

Christy, Its wonderful to hear that you talked Peter to go to church with you, may both of you be blessed and helped by God's word. I don't really know about moms getting remarried. I have had a few friends that really had a hard time with it, but they also knew that the man their mom was marrying was a lot like their real father, kind and true. I'm glad that you have come to realize that about... Dan? right? Well I'm glad you got to that place with your mom and him. He sounds like a kind man any girl would want.

Well... I probably should go and finish a paper. Eeek.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. May God bless you and keep you through out the day.

Hope, Love, and Prayers,

Nikki

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Christy, it is such a blessing to hear the lightness in your posts lately. Praise God that he is easing your pain and you are experiencing bouts of joy and hope. Praise Him!

Nikki, you are on overload sweetie. You know God never meant for His children to live a life of stress and worry, of fear, of anxiety, of guilt, of exhaustion. We, as His children, should not run hot then cold, up then down. Yes, that is easier said than done (BELIEVE ME I KNOW IT). I guess the point i wanted to make this morning was IF WE LAY OUR CARES AND BURDENS AT THE FEET OF JESUS, WE WILL TRULY BE BLESSED WITH THE PEACE THAT SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING. It is an art that I work at daily. . . . but it is also the biggest benefit of being a child of God. at least in my opinion.

As long as we try to control and command everything here on this earth (by taking care of everything in our world around us) we will be miserable, unsuccessful and exhausted. Nikki, all you want to do is help - that is crystal clear. you're heart is pure and loving and your motivation is kind and caring. you are sweet and there is none finer a daughter of God.

I share this not because i think it's something that you can just change instantly and your life will be worry free. it actually has taken me years to understand and "walk the walk" . . of complete faith . . .

i don't know where i'm going here - i just pray that this post does not sound harsh in any way. I LOVE YOU ALL and am praying for the reality to really hit home - CAST YOUR CARES - it's the miracle cure all.

Mark, I'm so sorry about your headache - my sister-in-law gets those and she is down for days at a time. they are horrific.

LOVE TO YOU ALL,

kitty

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slowlyhealing

Kitty,

No you weren't harsh. Though as Children of God sometimes we have to be a little pushy when it comes to other believers, cause we should know that God is willing to take away all our pain if we just give it to him, and we need to obey His commands. Remember we are all sheep, and sheep... well they are stubborn creatures, stubborn BUT YET they are also cute. :-D. I'll also be as bold to say that I am one stupid stubborn sheep at times, yet the Shepherd still cares and drags me alone at times. He comforts me, when I cry, and He comes finds me when I go my stubborn way and get lost. He carries me over the rocky terrain, Oh how Great is Our Shepherd.

Well... I must go. Starting yet another day to a long three more years of college. Ewwww... Not going to ever look at it that way again, its just depressing. Lol. Only a few more semesters to go. Much better.

Take care you all.

Hope, Love, and Prayers,

Nikki

Stay strong Kitty, You are a great blessing to us all

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you, sweet nikki, are a total blessing to us all! i think you've drawn a lot of us together. we want to help you along and encourage you through this rough "patch" you're in. and it is only a patch! better days are coming, God will bless you 100 fold!! so much to look forward to!!

christy, i looked at kagan's pics. he had the eyes of an angel! thank you for sharing! you can see my daughter erin on royfuneralhome.com, click on the "D" - her name was Erin Dube.

Nikki, something good will happen to you today - believe it and receive it!

love,

kitty

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kagansmommy

Good morning Kitty. Erin was a beautiful young lady. Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm glad you got to see Kagan's pic's. Yes he did have the eyes of an angel. Because of his disease his organs could not be donated....only his eyes. He spoke to me with huge blue eyes all the time. When he was in a coma the last six days I begged him to open his eyes and let mommy see them just one more time. He didn't until they laid him in my arms so I could be holding him when he took his last breath. As soon as his body touched mine his eyes came open,,,,he came out of the come. He laid and blinked them so slow never taking them off mine. That made it so hard to do what I knew I had to. He gave me what I had wanted and it broke my heart. When they told me all that could be donated were his eyes I said no. When I was having a bad day all he had to do was look at me and I calmed down. We communicated thtu his eyes so much. Maybe it was selfish of me but I couldnt let them have one of the things I loved about him the most. This day has already started out to be a bad one. I have cried all morning and I didn't sleep well last night. I nned to hold my baby. I need to feel his breath on my cheek. I need to feel his heart beating next to mine. I hope I don't bring anyone down with this post.

Christy

"MOMMY LOVES YOU KAGAN"

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slowlyhealing

Christy,

You are such a beautiful and wonderful blessing to this message board.

Though my mom can't talk anymore, and at times I have no clue what she is saying. I look in her eyes, and I can see the world, and I can see what she needs, and what she needs. Oh how I long for her to hold me again in her arms, and oh how I just wish I could hear her voice one last time.

The days are getting rougher, and yes it is only a patch but oh how I wish that it didn't have to be my momma that has to die. I cry out to God at times. Take me instead. I'll switch places, I just don't want to see her hurt like this anymore. I don't want my brothers to not have a momma there when they graduate from high school or college.

Then I realize... God is keeping me alive for a reason. God hasn't yet given me an illness or something I couldn't handle and take care of mom at the same time. Yes the nights are rocky, and there are times where I just want to shut down and cry. He knows those needs, and he knows my heart. Thats why I believe he brought me to this message board. Sure you all are miles away, but I feel your prayers and they help me to move on. God's arms are always around the ones he loves.

I have never lost a child... I don't know how that feels. I've lost friends, and I've lost family members, but never a child. A mothers love is one of the strongest in this world. God loves us with both a mothers and fathers love, and He will never let us down, even in the hardest of times he is there to pick us up.

Through our eyes we see the world, we see the hurts and pains of others, but only through God's eyes can we see others the way they are ment to be. We can see peace and happiness again, we can see a simple butterfly as a glimpse of the beautiful place God has waiting for us. We can see into others eyes and see there heart.

I will never hear my mother speak here on this earth again. The memory of her voice is always with me. I will never be held in her arms again, but now it is my turn to hold her. In heaven... I will see and hear, and be held by her again. Oh what a glorious day that will be. When Jesus looks at me and says welcome home, we've been waiting. He will take me in his arms and I hurt or need anymore. He gave everything for me... so I may live, and so I may see my mom again walking and talking.

Time will come, theres no stopping it, but I know God will give us all the strength we need.

I am in prayer for you today Christy. May God give you a glimpse of His wonderful and beautiful glory, and may He give you some peace, so you can make it through this day. May He give you something to smile at, and a hope for a new and better tomorrow.

Hope, Love, and Prayers,

Nikki

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you know i just have to say that there are answers being given to the prayers that we are holding each other up in. i am a recipient of answered prayer as of late and i know that is in large portion to each of you holding me and my family up. THANK YOU. we need to continue to pray for one another, for strength, for comfort, for wisdom.

God is paying attention to each of us here, Praise Him! He hears our petitions for one another and is honoring them.

I have a quick praise report - my husband and i are doing really well. getting along better than we have in a long time. he is really responsive and more loving then he's been in a few years. THANK YOU for your prayers everyone. THANK YOU.

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slowlyhealing

Kitty,

That is a wonderful praise report. Thank God for everyday miricles and praise Him for bring you two closer than further apart.

God does answer prayer, even a simple one.

May God bless your family more and more every day.

Hope, Love, and prayers,

Nikki

Our God is an Awesome God!

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Hello Everyone,

Wow, I was away alot today and missed alot...you all have been very busy little beavers! CHRISTY, I totally understand how you get sad at a blink of an eye. I cry everyday...I can't help it! I had to return something at the mall today and I thought I would do some shopping..no can do! I had to leave as I keep starting to cry. I just miss my husband...I know I keep saying it but I do. I can't shake it and not sure if I will ever be able to. My energy is low and I just have moments when I breakdown and cry. I try not to in front of the kids but now I'm to the point that I do and they just have to deal with it...I tell them I lost my husband, bestfriend, etc. We were joined at the hip! I miss him and I am so sad without him and even after all these months I still can't believe it.

Erinsmom...I am glad to hear you are closer to your husband...I'm jealous! Just kidding! I glad and happy for you.

Nikki, keep your little head up and try and stay in the "here and now"...that helps me. Your sweet and god knows it.

MARK, I hope you are feeling better...I know migranes well and the after hangovers. I cried last summer when I had my first one without my husband because he always knew what to do and he knew he had to take over cause I could not function.....Tell your wife sorry about Miss Piggy. We lost our family cat in the fall to a coyote....it was devastating to loose her after 10 years. I will keep you all in my heart and prayers....SLEEP TIGHT......I hope I can sleep tonight as I wake up every nite around 4 and have a tough time going back to sleep..........Nitey!

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slowlyhealing

Good Morning you all. Its bright and yet its still rather early around here. I'm about an hour early for my next class so here I am waiting and almost falling asleep. We have had another guest come down from Chicago. Don't get me wrong I love company its the after shock of the person coming and then leaving that wears me out. I am already worn out from the last after shock from the weekend, and here it is Wed, and she's leaving tomorrow. Hummm...

Okay moving on.

Christy how is your day going today. I am praying for you girl.

Kitty, how are you doing? I'm still so very happy that you and your husband are getting along better.

Laura, you hang in there. Days will get better, Just let go, and let GOD. That is something that is sometimes easier said than done, but when I get to that point and I just give it all to God, oh how my strength returns.

Mark, how are you feeling? How's your wife doing? I hope everything is alright with you all, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

May God bless you all this wonderful day. May He give you hope to go on and smile without feeling bad.

Hope, Love, and Prayers

Nikki

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Good Morning to All!!

Oh Lauraa, I feel for you and your heavy heart so much. I'm so sorry that you are having a hard time finding peace and rest. You are not alone. I don't know how long it's been since your husband "went to his reward". . . but I know that, for me, I was very shaky and sad for 8 months after Erin died. If only you could rest in the fact that your husband IS WITH YOU and he is in the most beautiful place imaginable. That still leaves your arms empty though doesn't it? I'm sorry for your loss, it leaves a HUGE HOLE in your family here on earth. I am praying for you to feel some peace today and that you have a deep knowing that comes over you that your husband HAS NEVER LEFT YOU. How blessed you were to have such a wonderful marriage! God shined his favor on the two of you!!

You know, my marriage was very unhealthy before Erin died, and after she died we fell comletely apart. Three months after Erin passed my husband came to me and told me he was no longer in love with me. I guess I knew in my heart that we weren't "soulmates" and we weren't the happiest couple in the world, but I was no where near ready for that blow. It almost did me in. I didn't even see it coming. Erin's death shook up EVERY SINGLE AREA of my life. There was no stone left unturned.

But . . . God has been at work through it all. Cleaning out all the bad stuff and shining His light and putting our lives in order - for the first time ever!

Erin's passing pressed me to turn my life around 180 degrees. Praise God for that!! She was the catalyst for incredible change that is impacting many, many people around me now!! PRAISE GOD.

Laurra, God is at work in your life too. You will be happy again, things will never be the same but you will be happy again and joy will abound in your home and in your heart! God Bless You!

Kitty

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Lauraa, Thanx for the consoling. She was so attached to that little piggy. My wife was - is a teacher. And Miss Piggy often went to school as a special reward for the children. Teaching has been the core of her life for so long, and it hurts so much to see her have to sit in the living room either unconscious or not quite here. I am praying for you daily. It's okay to still miss your hubbie, and there's only one person who can set the timetable for your healing journey - you. My wife is still alive, and there are times, especially when I'm stuck in NYC, that I miss her so I cry, because I know how ill she is, and I know that we won't be together forever. In so many ways, I owe her my life.

erinsmom, while you were going through all that pain, the eighth chapter of Romans would have been only more pain in your heart. The Apostle Paul wrote, "all things work together for good to them who love God. . ." All that loss didn't look like the blessings it has turned into, but God has a funny way of taking the deepest sorrow and turning it into the highest joy. If I told you my life history, you wouldn't believe it. But, God took the mess I made of it all, and turned it into a ministry of helping teenagers and young adults get off drugs and out of bad situations.

Nikki, I will be praying for a slight tremor, not an earthquake. Keep in touch and let me know how you're doing. Well, I'm going to catch a little nap and let my son have this thing for a while. Talk later. Mark

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Mark, you couldn't have hit the nail on the head any better. It is such a mystery how God often turns horrible things into blessings. I love the Apostle Paul, he is one of my favorites. Maybe because I am not a brain surgeon and his teachings are so clear and easy to understand. Not as easy to follow as they are to understand! :-D

Also, Mark is so right - I agree there is no timetable for the grieving process. I praise God that He's allowed me to bounce back into a normal(ish) productive lifestyle in less than a year since Erin's passing. I lead a prayer meeting at the county jail here in unity, nh for the female inmates on thursday evenings. that has been a healing therapy of sorts for me, something i didn't expect to receive. seven out of the eight females out there right now are heroin addicts. OUCH! that's how Erin died, an overdose. for the most part i don't feel like they listen to me really, but when i'm not there - they really kick and scream that they miss me so maybe a seed or two is being planted.

I am praying for each of you!

Kitty

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slowlyhealing

Normal (ish)... Haha I like that. I don't really know why, but it just hit me funny like. What is normal? It IS NOT me. My life is far from the normal life, everyone is talking about. I think if I had a normal life now, God wouldn't be able to use me like he is now. I mean I wouldn't be as close to my mother, I wouldn't even dare talk to my CRAZY brothers. okay... they're not "CRAZY" but yet... they are.

I think God puts us all in these trials, that are far from normal to see if we will lean on Him and other Christians to get us through. I have met a few people not only here, but in the town around me and at my school that pulled away from God, because they lost someone. There's actually a lady at my school who is about thirty years older than me telling me about her mother. Who had ALS. We share stories and we share our faith. Its a powerful and moving kind of feeling knowing that you don't have to be alone, and not only that but you can help others.

Your right though Kitty, God will make our lives as "normalish" as he thinks we can handle. He will also give us situations where we can share our faith and our lives with others to possibly and hopefully plant seeds in other hurting lives.

Well... I must Go. Don't want to be late for my next class, cause if I am... I will never get home.

I'm praying for you all,

Hope, Love, and Prayers,

Nikki

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kagansmommy

Hello everyone~!! The day has started out pretty good here. I just went and bought flowers to make Kagan a little flower garden in front of his headstone. I planted tulips on each end of it sunday but he needs his own flower garden. I am waiting for my niece to get home from school so she can go help me. She loved Kagan so much and she really misses him too. I drive past his grave everyday. I don't know why I do it. Its like I am making sure it is still there or something. It is right next to the road so you can see it well. Well enough to read the writing on it. The whole town knew whos it was and a lot of them drive by it daily to take their kids to ball practice. The graveyard is right next to the town baseball field. I think everyone will enjoy looking at the flowers. And I hope it makes parents look at their kids differently and cherish every moment of their lives.

NIKKI...I hope class goes well for you today. And I hope it hasn't been too hard on your Mom having company again so soon.

LAURAA...My Mom called last night and told me a dear friend of hers had passed away. The wife is so upset because she said they were soulmates and she didn't know how she would ever go on without him. As soon as Mom told me this I thought of you. I hope she is lucky enough to find a group like this one. Maybe after a while I will have Mom tell her about it.

KITTY...Its great to hear about your speaking at the prison. Even thought it seems you aren't getting thru to them sometimes...they are absorbing every word you say. When my son was dating his now ex-girlfriend she was on drugs. I would talk to her until I was blue in the face. I told her I loved her everytime we talked and she would say "well I hate you" and I would tell her no you don't and one day you will realize that. I also told her when she decided to turn her life around I would be the first in line to help her. Then one day out of the blue my son came to me and ask if I meant what I said about helping her and I said absolutely. I called her the next morning and I talked to her Mom about what we could do. He mother told me that she wasn't worth the effort to clean her up. So I told her to pack her bag's and I moved her in with us for 2 month's. I cleaned her up off the drug's and liquor and got her back into school which she graduated with high honor's. We formed such a bond because of what we went through together. She's 22 now and a powerhouse for the lord. She teaches a Sunday School class. She is married and has a 1 year old. She is the one who told me I was a walking, talking testimony to what God can do and what He can pull you out of if you just believe. I figure there is no greater trial to endure that the loss of your child. So I am hoping that my life can only move up from here because I had definately hit the bottom. It is hard and there are days when I want to give up but I keep moving forward slowly but surely. God has picked me up out of this ditch and he has a plan for me. One day I will get my reward for enduring what I have and it will be beautiful.

Take care and my prayers are with you all.

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

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Well, if you're going to get all philosophical here, then try this daffynition of normal. Normal is what happens where wierd is not supposed to happen. If wierd happens where normal is supposed to happen, then it is wierd. If wierd happens where wierd is supposed to happen, then wierd becomes normal. So when you think of it this way, wierd is just a relative concept. LOL. Believe it or not, I got that from some evangelist somewhere ages ago. Hmmm, come to think of it, he was a bit wierd.

Kitty, you're awesome! It takes a special person to minister in a prison, and well, I guess that says a lot, eh. Some of us understand the heartbreak of losing someone to drugs, and that's how I found out about my daughter. Her Mom told someone in the hospital that her daughter was mine while she was dying from a heroin overdose. Even though I only knew her a short time so many years ago, she's the mother of my daughter and losing her hurts. And yes, I was a little bit wild when I was a teenager.

Nikki, now you can see what a crazy teenager is really like. Your brothers are a walk in the park compared to the outrage I was. Just think of what I put my family through. LOL I am soooo glad for forgiveness. Mark

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kagansmommy

Mark...I like that definition of normal/weird. I will have to tell that one to my Pastor. He defines himself as weird but he's not. Of course he's not quite what I would call normal either. He is a hilarious man who loves to tell jokes. But you put him in front of his congrigation and WOW~!! God definately gave him a gift to preach.

Christy

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Christy, you sound like you have a fun preacher, not one of those pompous piets lurking down their noses at the world. I promise to not use THAT line in a song. Church should be fun! If it were made of only stuffed shirts, they'd have a serious problem with King David dancing around and angering his wife.

It's perfectly alright to drive by and check on Kagan, even if you do it every day. It sounds like you're telling what your heart feels: you are only checking on him because of a Mommy's love. I think that's a normal thing to do, and no pun intended with the wierd/normal thing. When your heart tells you it's time to not drive by there one day, then listen. Until then, go with your heart. After all, you are the Mommy, and Mommies know best, right? Mark

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